“Listen, I’m not sure that’s a good idea, going north… what they described was pretty graphic.” Seth had a point, but all we had to go on were the words of Earl, Sonny and Freddy, none of whom I held in very high regard anymore.
“There’s something I didn’t tell you about what he’d said.”
“There’s more?”
“Not more, just, I don’t know, something…”
“Well what, Sara? What is it?” Caroline was frowning.
“It felt like, I don’t know, like someone else was speaking through him.”
“Like the angel?” Seth interrupted.
“Yes, I mean I wouldn’t know what that was like, but there was something about the voice, or the tone or something that just didn’t say Joel to me.” I made a face as I always did after a glass of the dirty water. “What do you guys think? Should we try it?”
“We’re still living pretty well here. I don’t know if I want to lose that.” Seth was right; it might be the dumbest thing we’ve done, leaving the safety of Joel’s house. “Let’s see how things work out here over the next little while, then make the decision.”
“I’m not excited to leave either; we don’t know what’s out there,” I admitted.
“Should we confront Earl about it?” Caroline stood and opened the fridge, mindlessly panning its limited contents.
“I think we should feel out how things go, like Seth said. Keep this little bit of information to ourselves and make a more educated decision on what to do next.”
Sid summed up our situation with three words. “Then we wait.”
Chapter Seven
Earl had counted the guns and ammunition and placed them in the addition, save the ones he had hidden around the house. Freddy and Sonny hung on his every word now, while Kevin sat at his right side mimicking Earl’s arrogance.
As I approached the four of them in the addition, which had acted as our watch tower for the past nine months – with a clear view of the east, west and north – I heard them discussing their plans once more. It was February and my birthday had just passed, like so many others, unnoticed and unannounced.
“We’re still in good shape: the ammunition collected from that last attack really set us up.…” Earl was caught off-guard by my entry. I sensed his lingering embarrassment over the hand incident, but it lasted just a moment. He turned to greet me. “Sara, how are you?” False concern. I flinched at the thought of his arms on me – comforting me.
“I’m coping,” I said. “What’s all this?” I waved at the arsenal in front of me.
“Inventory,” Sonny offered. He had been sheepish around me since our last conversation. He shouldn’t have asked what he did about Joel, and he knew it.
“What brings you by, Sara?” Kevin was at his post at the east windows.
“I want to know what you four are planning. It affects us all.”
“Of course it does,” Earl broke in, “and it’s in all our best interest to support our plan. We can’t sit here hoping the flags won’t come back.”
“So you’re going then? All of you? Abandoning us here to fulfill some hateful revenge plan?”
“If you could just see it for what it really is, Sara,” Kevin jumped in. “This is an important step in securing our futures.”
“Is that what Earl’s told you?” I glared at him.
“It’s what we believe, Sara.” Freddy spoke up. “I don’t know how you’re not getting behind this? You lost Connor and Joel.”
“We lost Connor and Joel.” I corrected him. “We all lost a good friend in Connor, and I lost everything when Joel died, and I’m not behind this. What does that tell you?”
“You have different ideas of what should be done,” answered Earl. “We believe this is what Joel would have wanted.”
“Oh, bullshit! Don’t drag Joel’s name into this. This is what you want Earl.” I looked accusingly at the other three. “And you’ve all bought into it.”
“It’s been decided, Sara. We’re going, with or without your blessing.” Kevin. What a little prick. I flushed and turned to leave, but thought better of it.
“You do this, and you’re separating the house. Seth, Sid, Caroline and I are against it. For the record.”
“To each their own,” Earl replied.
“I’m pregnant.” I don’t know why I chose that moment to tell them.
“What?” Freddy was stunned. The other three froze in place. If I could have willed them to remain in that state, we would have all been better for it.
“I’m two months along now, at least.” I crossed my arms in front of me.
“Jesus, Sara.” The repercussions of this revelation were working their way through Sonny’s head.
“That’s not good.” Kevin’s response. Earl slapped Kevin’s arm dismissively.
“Joel’s?” Earl asked the burning question, licking his thin lips.
“Yes, Jesus Christ, Connor and I weren’t…” I felt it was a hopeless argument and just shook my head hard.
“Okay, all the more reason to remove the threat of the flags.” Earl faking respect for his fallen leader, and friend, used my news to further his agenda.
“You’ll do what you’ll do; I just needed to tell you.” With that, I left the addition and they returned to their task at hand.
“We leave tomorrow,” I heard Earl shout over my shoulder. Part of me hoped they wouldn’t return.
Chapter Eight
As we watched them leave, I thought it odd that Caroline hadn’t joined us in the front hall to see them off. Seth and Sid shook hands with the four and wished them all the best. No hard feelings.
“We’ll watch the house,” Sid assured them.
“I know you will, Sid.” Earl smiled, his teeth now yellow from the cigarettes. In that moment I wondered how many more they must have. I remembered how Kevin had made finding cigarettes in town a priority.
They left in the Caddy: Joel’s father’s Cadillac. So many of the vehicles we’d acquired over the months had stopped working, blamed on the weather and lack of maintenance. The caddy had remained in the garage, protected from the elements, and lovingly maintained by Sonny.
“Good riddance,” I said aloud.
“Don’t say that, Sara.” Sid wrapped his arm around me. His touch was soothing. I felt warm and safe but unthreatened, which was the polar opposite to how Earl’s touch made me feel. Caroline had told me that he and she had found comfort in each other’s arms over the course of the last few weeks, long after John’s shooting death in our front hall. She had blamed herself for that, and I knew she’d taken the death of her high school sweetheart terribly.
“I don’t know if I mean it or not.” I was angry at Earl’s ability to just keep going despite everything. I was equally angry at the other three for willingly following Earl so blindly.
“I’m not defending their plan; I think it’s flawed. But Earl leads with aggression. You know, he’s a ‘best defense is a strong offence’ type.” Sidney had summed Earl up tidily with those words.
“Yeah, I guess I always knew that about him.” I turned and put an arm around both Sid and Seth as we walked to the kitchen. “Where is Caroline?”
“I don’t know. I woke up alone this morning.” Sid admitted.
I was taken aback. “What? Why? Where would she be?”
“Honestly, I thought maybe she’d spent the night with you, talking about your baby, making plans. You know how she likes to make plans.” Caroline was gifted at putting things in perspective. She had helped us organize our resources and because of her efforts some of our food and toiletries had outlived their expiry dates.
“Nope, she left my room about midnight last night.” We had been talking about the baby, and she had stayed with me until I’d mentioned the time.
“She didn’t say where she was heading after that?”
“I didn’t ask. I assumed she would have made her way to your room.” Sid and Caroline had bunked up in Julia and Connor’s old
room, across the hall from mine.
“Seth, have you seen Caroline this morning?” Sid pulled away from me while Seth also maneuvered out of my reach.
“I haven’t,” he said. We all stopped there at the foot of the stairs and looked dumbly at one another. Where was Caroline?
Chapter Nine
We each took a floor to look for Caroline, Sid took the top level, Seth the main floor and I looked in the basement, each of us calling out her name. It was a very large house. Joel’s parents had done very well for themselves and built this colossal home in the country. It was an excellent refuge for our original group of fourteen, but full of empty spaces now that we were so few.
Searching the basement I moved through the rooms quickly at first and then slowed down, taking my time, opening closets, although I didn’t know why she would be hiding. This was maddening. This was very out of character for Caroline, making it all the more distressing.
After losing hope of finding her in the basement, I opened the door to the cold room where we kept what was left of our canned goods and vegetables from the barn garden. There I found her seated in the fetal position, hugging her knees into her chest, rocking slowly.
“Caroline!” She looked up and I saw a misery in her eyes that stunned me. “What - what’s wrong?” My heart sank. The cold room was freezing and smelled of potatoes and dirt.
I approached her quickly, startling her. She pulled away, shivering. I did my best not to touch her; I didn’t want to make her worse.
“Oh Caroline, it’s freezing in here,” I rubbed my arms and looked around. The room was dark: the light from the open doorway made me realize I would have only been a silhouette to her.
“It’s Sara, honey. Why are you in here?”
She burst into tears and crawled toward me on all fours. I took her up into my arms and rubbed her back softly. “What’s happened?”
She tried to speak, stumbling over her words. She wanted to say so much at once. I hugged her harder, my knees digging into the concrete floor.
“Don’t speak, Caroline. Let me take you to Sid.”
“No!” She half whispered into my ear. I pulled her back and looked in her eyes. What I saw left me cold.
“What? Why? Tell me what’s happened.”
“No, not Sid, please, he can never know.”
“What is it, Caroline? What can he never know?” My skin crawled in anticipation.
“Please, swear to me, you’ll never tell him. Never, never.” Her face contorted into a twisted, pained look that stayed with me a long time afterward.
“I – I swear,” I heard myself say.
Just then Seth and Sid came in. Caroline looked horrified.
“Caroline!” Sid exclaimed. “What are you doing in here?”
“I’m taking her to the shower,” I said as I pulled her to her feet. “She’s not hurt, Sid, she just needs me right now.”
“What’s wrong with her?” His voice cracked.
“She’s fine Sid, she’s uh, had an episode.”
“Episode?” He looked confused. I hated lying. I was just trying to protect my friend. Had Sid done something? I couldn’t believe that, but why was she so insistent he not know? I was desperate to find out.
“She has them once in a while. Let me through and we’ll fill you guys in when we’re ready.”
“But she’s okay? Caroline? You’re okay?” He reached for her and she pulled away, using me as a shield.
“She’ll be fine, Sid. Seth, you guys just hold down the fort while we work through this.”
“What kind of episode are we talking about?” He sounded honestly worried for her. It hurt me to have to avoid his questions; I was making everything up as I went along.
“She’s, uh, got a disorder. Just let us through, Sid!” I became more forceful as Caroline’s nails clawed into my arm. He and Seth moved aside to let us pass. I smiled and raced with Caroline to the basement bathroom, where I locked the door behind us.
The bathroom had seen better days: it was outfitted with a sauna/shower where I set her down on the cedar bench. Though the sauna hadn’t been used since the bombs dropped, it still smelled strongly of damp cedar.
I knelt down in front of Caroline and placed my hands on her cheeks. “What’s happened, Caroline? Tell me please.”
She sat there shaking as the memories took hold. Though I knew from her state that she had seen or experienced something traumatic, I was not prepared for what she would tell me.
Chapter Ten
Caroline was beside herself. I sat next to her and held her hand. Her grip was crushing. I let her cry until I felt there was an opportunity to ask again.
“What happened, Caroline?”
“You don’t know,” she uttered. “You can’t know.”
“Don’t you want to tell me?”
She took in a deep breath and exhaled.
“It was awful….” she said, convulsing at the memories. “I – I don’t know how to tell you.”
“Just take your time, Caroline. I’m here for as long as you need me to be.”
She was staring at the tiled floor, her head shaking back and forth. I took a deep breath next, anticipating the news. What could have happened? Had she left the house and seen something so disturbing? Had she had a run-in with someone? The questions were percolating one after another in my mind.
“Promise me you won’t tell Sid,” she repeated through gasping breaths.
“I promised, Caroline. You know I wouldn’t.” I wiped her hair from her forehead gently.
She looked up at me and put on a brave face. “Those bastards....” She broke down again, her head shaking from side to side. Those bastards? Who was she referring to? Surely not...
“Earl.” The name was like a curse coming from her lips.
“What did he do, Caroline?” I was beginning to feel sick to my stomach. This wasn’t the baby inside me, it was in anticipation of what she would say next.
“He’s an evil bastard,” she spat out.
“What did he do?” A lull in her explanation gave me a chance to breathe again.
“He raped me! Okay?! He fucking raped me!” she said bluntly, her eyes fixed on me.
I squeezed her hand hard. “Jesus, what?”
“Him, then Kevin, then - then that Fred…” She stopped suddenly, rhyming off the names I would hate forever after. I said nothing more, I only listened. “Earl first, cornering me in the kitchen after – after I left your room last night… was it last night?” She looked away again trying to focus.
The sauna was the best place in the house to have this secret conversation as it had a heavy wooden door, and the bathroom door itself was shut and locked. If she wanted secrecy, this place would offer it.
“He said he wanted to kiss me. He said he’d been lonely.” She released my hand and placed both hands on her knees, perhaps unconsciously forcing them together. “I told him I wasn’t interested. I told him no…” I could see the memories play out on her face, and she frowned deeply. “Please don’t tell Sid. Please…” She wept involuntarily and caught her breath. “I’m so ashamed.”
“No,” I said automatically. “No, Caroline. This is not your fault, don’t you do that.”
“What if I had let him kiss me?” She questioned.
“Goddamn it, Caroline.” I was livid. Not with her, but with her thought process. “You are the victim.”
“He said he was lonely. He said they were all so lonely.” Jesus Christ, all of them, animals! “I – I hate them now.” She had every right. I should kill them for her, I thought.
Caroline continued to relive the memory. “He took my wrists and pulled me into him, into those yellow teeth… and I fought him, I did, Sara!” It was crushing to hear the details.
“Then I felt a sharp pain in my stomach.” Her hand moved to her midsection.
“I know, Caroline.” I massaged her shoulder. “And Sid will know that too.”
“No! Please don’t tell him, Sara.
” I wanted to so he would take matters into his own hands and kill that fuck. All of them. But I’d promised.
“Okay, Caroline, I won’t. If that’s really what you want, I will keep my promise.” It ate me up inside, but maybe she’d change her mind in time.
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