Heidi ignored her. "Come on," she pressed. "You can take a couple hours. We haven't seen you in weeks."
Sarah shook her head, stunned. From the living room, she heard the baby stirring in its sleep.
Did you just come here to taunt me? she wanted to say. To show me that normal life is still out there, I just can't be a part of it? "Heidi, I had a baby. I'm sorry if you take that as some kind of personal insult. I didn't mean it that way."
"Come on," Bruce said, punching Heidi in the shoulder. "She's busy. Let's go."
Heidi paused, weighing something in her mind. "It's okay," she finally said. "You guys go ahead." She flashed Sarah a smile. "You mind if I hang out for a little bit? We haven't talked in forever."
Sarah shook her head automatically. She actually wouldn't mind seeing Heidi again - they'd been friends once, a thousand years ago - but she didn't want her to see the life she had now. She wanted Heidi to remember her the way she'd been: confident, powerful, fearsome. Prepared. Surrendering that image to one of the few people who might still think of her that way would break her.
"Maybe we can get coffee or something sometime," Sarah countered.
"No, I'm serious," Heidi insisted. "Come on, I haven't seen your new apartment or baby or anything. I won't stay long. We drove separately, I can leave whenever I want."
"Look," Sarah said, "It's good to see you and everything, but tonight is just not a good time. Rebecca's gonna need to eat soon."
"Well, yeah, that's what babies do. I knew that when I asked. I just haven't seen your new place yet, you know?"
"Yeah." Sarah glanced into the living room. Rebecca had quieted down again. "Well, it's actually sleeping right now." Which is a miracle itself, with the way you were banging on the door.
"Great. We could probably get high." Heidi gave her a broad grin. "I'm pretty sure there was a guy in the parking lot selling something."
Sarah couldn't tell whether Heidi was joking; she wouldn't quite put it past her. "Uh... I don't think so. Look, the place is a mess. And I seriously have to feed the kid every fifteen minutes. It's... voracious."
"That's cool."
"I just... I'm not gonna be very good company."
Heidi arched her eyebrows. "I get it!"
"All right," Sarah sighed. She stepped back and opened the door, her heart in her throat. "Just don't feel like you have to stay."
23
"Wow," Heidi said. "This is your place?"
"Yeah. Well... my mom pays for it, so I guess not really."
"Still." She kept her voice low. "It's cool!"
"I guess." Heidi's awe took Sarah by surprise. Then again, she didn't hear the gunshots the other night. "It doesn't feel like that big a deal, I guess, since my mom's paying for it and everything."
"How'd you scam her into that one?"
Sarah shrugged. "It was her idea, actually. She didn't want the baby around."
Heidi glanced at her, but all she said was, "Huh." She peered into the bathroom and started wandering down the single hall.
"That's just the bedroom." Sarah pushed past her and closed the door.
Heidi took the hint and turned back. "It's pretty awesome. I'd kill to get out of my parents' place." Then, out of nowhere: "Are you still going to Yale?"
The question sucked the air out of Sarah's lungs, froze her in mid-step. "I... don't know yet."
"What? How can you not know?"
Sarah's glare silenced her.
"Oh. Baby. I suppose there's not a lot of room for a crib in a Yale dorm."
"You want some coffee?"
"Sure."
They started into the kitchen, but from around the corner Rebecca gave a sudden shriek. Sarah put a hand to her head, wincing.
"That's how it goes. No warning, just straight to the screams."
Heidi shrugged and gave her another fake smile. "I can wait."
Sarah retreated to the swing, her head abruptly pounding, desperate to quiet the kid down. "All right. Thanks."
24
"I'm sorry you have to sit through this."
She had the kid on the floor, changing it while it screamed. Heidi was on the couch, trying to look nonchalant.
"I told you, it's all right."
The baby was getting a rash from its explosive diaper earlier in the day. It had been sitting in its own filth too long, waiting for Sarah to get the bath together. It won't let me forget about that tonight.
"I know, I just..." Sarah dug into the butt cream, got a nice chunk, and Rebecca kicked, sending a glob flying into the carpet.
Heidi laughed. "She's a kicker!"
"Yeah." Sarah dug out more paste and finished the job. "Could you... grab me a rag or something from the kitchen?
Heidi disappeared around the corner. While she had the chance, Sarah covered up with a little blanket and grabbed the nursing pillow. "Come on," she whispered as she settled the creature in. "You can do it, okay, just this once, just -"
It dug the bony ridges of its gums into Sarah's nipple, eyes glittering. Sarah bit back a cry.
"I don't see a rag," Heidi called from the kitchen. That was always something about her that had driven Sarah crazy: she was completely helpless.
"First drawer left of the sink," Sarah called. Rebecca failed the latch one more time, then finally started to suckle. Sarah settled the blanket, hiding the baby's face.
"Will this work?" Heidi sauntered up to the glob of paste on the floor and stopped, proffering a kitchen towel.
"Yeah. You can just... set it on the arm of the chair, here." Or, you know, you could clean it up yourself, since I'm nursing. Heidi set the towel down and retreated to the couch.
"So... does it hurt?" Heidi nodded toward the blanket.
"Only if you don't know what you're doing," Sarah snapped, harsher than she'd meant to. "It's not supposed to." She could feel her cheeks burning; she felt like an idiot.
Such a simple thing. Heidi had used to check with her before every tournament on which cases were getting run, what responses to make, what the strategies should be. Sarah had always known the answers.
"I never knew that," Heidi offered.
"Yeah, they don't bother to tell you at the hospital. They say - ah!" She winced, adjusted slightly. I should have told her no. I should have stuck with the "go out for coffee" plan. "They say you might have 'mild discomfort.'"
"Ah, that old line?"
"Yeah." She blinked tears away, annoyed with her pain, unwilling to let Heidi see it. "Look, I'm sorry, but it's got a rash too and it's gonna be crying a lot. I don't think tonight's a good night to hang out."
"Sure." Heidi stood up. "Hey, I wanted to ask - how is it going with Cal? I heard he's not coming around much."
Sarah stared at her. Are you serious? Heidi had always been interested in Cal. You came here to find out if we're still together?
"It's going great," Sarah lied. Rebecca flailed, and the blanket slipped, exposing Sarah's raw nipple. She covered up and stared at the wall, cheeks burning.
Heidi smiled. "All right. Well, I'll see you around. Take it easy."
"Yeah. You too."
Get out, get out, get out.
25
She was right about the rash. She changed Rebecca's diaper once an hour, trying to treat it the best she could in hopes of getting the kid to sleep. Rebecca did pass out once, a little after midnight, but started screaming again before Sarah even had her door closed. Sarah gave up. She grabbed the nursing pillow and settled with the baby into the rocking chair in front of the TV, watching Eliza. At least it stopped screaming, then. They huddled together in the dark, the walls awash with the pale reflections of losers and lowlifes.
26
She started awake, as always, the wisps of some vague nightmare burning up like mist in the sun. A customary moment of panic seized her before she realized where she was.
The living room was dark. A sexy blonde in a leotard was jogging on TV, with a phone number plastered across the bottom of the screen. T
he clock said 11:47.
Rebecca had worked one arm loose. Its face was pinched like it had just bit into a raw lemon. But it was still asleep.
The scene made Sarah feel like an intruder; like she had peeked during a prayer. She let her eyes drift closed again, but sleep danced away from her.
We can't do that right now, her body reported. Our right arm is asleep, and we have to pee. Check in again when these issues are resolved.
She sighed and opened her eyes. The blonde had been relegated to the top left corner of the screen, while a series of slender, sexy women paraded across the main viewing area.
Carefully, she worked her numb arm out from beneath the baby. Then, as if disarming a bomb, she gripped the nursing pillow at both ends, lifted it from her lap, and set it on the floor.
Rebecca drew a shuddering breath, flopped its arm behind itself... and lay still.
Relieved, Sarah eased to her feet, her knees and back tingling. She crept to the bathroom like an arthritic old woman. As she started peeing, she caught a god-awful stench from below.
Disgusting. Just one more way she didn't even recognize her own body anymore. Her breasts had transformed into swollen udders, bristling with pain; a permanent, throbbing ache had moved into her uterus; even her shoes didn't exactly fit right. And now the stink, as her abused guts tried to sort out what she'd done to them. It was gross. She cleaned up the best she could and pulled her pants back on, resolving to take a shower today no matter the cost.
She could go back to sleep, but she didn't want to risk lifting the nursing pillow again, and lying down in her bed was essentially daring the kid to start screaming. So she started a cup of decaf, and while her addled brain was distracted, the question Heidi had asked crept back.
Are you still going to Yale?
Alone, in the dark, there was no avoiding the answer.
Of course I'm not going to Yale. How the hell would I go to Yale?
Her brain supplied this response to an imaginary Heidi, who in turn said: You could live off campus, maybe. Maybe you could find a way to make it work.
Advanced Placement classes at Eddington High School are a far cry from Yale. I could maybe swing an undergrad at the U, or online courses at Saint Kate's, or something. Her stomach churned with shame even thinking about these options. But Yale? No. It would need all my attention. With the baby I can't even remember what day it is.
Imaginary Heidi chewed this over. Have you told Yale yet?
Of course not.
Why not?
Because it's not a done deal. Something could still happen. I could give her up for adoption, like Cal wanted to. My mom could offer to care for her while I'm away. Or...
It could die in its sleep. That happens all the time to newborns.
Even in her imaginary conversation, she couldn't bring herself to say that. What kind of jerk would want her baby to die?
Imaginary Heidi became imaginary Pastor Dennis, finishing the recrimination that had started during her earlier prayer. Your baby is a wonderful gift, Sarah. A wonderful gift from God.
But this didn't feel like a gift; it felt like a punishment. Sure, she'd want a baby someday. Maybe. But she had busted her butt to get into Yale. She had treated school as her job, thrown herself into forensics and music and volleyball to fill out her résumé. She'd done everything right, everything they'd told her.
And then she'd fucked it up.
"I mean, that's what it is," she hissed. "Let's not sugarcoat it. This is a fuck up." She drove the words into herself like knives. She deserved them. "It's like Mom is always saying: you did this. You. You. Fucking... idiot."
She'd known cutters in school. She'd always pitied them. Suddenly, though, she understood them. She had words, not razor blades, but it didn't matter: she understood.
"Moron. Fuckhead. Dipshit." A line of spit dangled from her bottom lip. She slapped it away like she'd felt a cockroach on her face.
You don't need to be so vehement about it, Pastor Dennis admonished, but I'm glad to hear you aren't placing the blame for this on God. It wasn't His decision to start screwing Cal Werther.
"No," she whispered. "It wasn't." It was hers. Of course it was hers, and it had been so stupid. She could have proven she was straight just by dating Cal. She didn't have to let him screw her.
You didn't, Dennis agreed, and you certainly didn't have to do it seven times. But at least now you know you aren't gay. Right?
Rebecca stirred. Sarah clenched her eyes shut and gritted her teeth, waiting for the ragged squall that would end any hope of sleep for the night. The long silence melted into a weird, muted cacophony: the hum of the fridge, the squeaking of the swing, the distant whooshing of cars on I-94. They steadied her enough that she was able to put all the old questions out of her head; shove them down some hole in her mind that she spent every night trying to ignore.
She opened her eyes and made for the living room couch. Maybe she could sneak in a little sleep, could trick herself into believing the baby would stay asleep, if she was in the same room with it.
When she stepped out of the kitchen, the image on the TV had paused. The sexy blonde was back, using some kind of walking machine, but she was stopped in mid-stride. Her brilliant blue eyes stared dully at nothing.
The fridge's hum was gone. Through the open patio shades, Sarah saw three cars likewise suspended in the intersection.
She had an instant of confusion. The scene was bizarre, but familiar. She realized what it meant just before she saw the Messenger on the couch.
"Hi, Sarah," he said. His eyes were full of empathy. "How are you holding up?"
27
She blew out a breath. "You scared me."
He nodded. "Sorry. It's been awhile."
She sat down at the other end of the couch from him and curled her legs beneath her. "Yeah." It had been almost ten years, actually, but it didn't feel that long. She'd never really lost the feeling that any night could be the night he came back.
"It felt the same for me," he said, and reached out to squeeze her hand. "I've missed you! And I have been watching, when I can - state tournament champion? Accepted to Yale?" He gave her a broad smile. "I told you things would go well for you."
"Yeah," she said again. She couldn't keep her eyes from straying to the swing. It was the only thing in the apartment still moving, still producing its creak-click.
It eclipsed everything he'd said.
The Messenger's smile faltered. "You didn't plan on her."
Sarah shook her head, drew a deep breath. She couldn't hide anything from him; she'd never been able to. "Well, no. But I'm really trying. I am."
"It's tough," he agreed. "And you know, some people are cut out for it and some people aren't. A lot of people with your problem, for example, think they can raise kids, and they just... can't. They're too damaged." He waved a hand. "You know. I don't have to tell you."
"I'm not worried about that part of it." She scoffed. "If there was one thing I managed to get under control, it was that."
His smile was warm. "You pushed Tiff away, because she was too much temptation for you. That was smart. And dating Cal was good, too. He's kind of an ignoramus, but you weren't planning to spend the rest of your life with him. It didn't hurt that you could rub it in Heidi's face, right?"
"That's not why I did it."
"No, no." This, too, he waved off. "I didn't mean that. I know. You did it for the right reasons. It made your mom feel better, and it helped you get your sin under control."
"Right. I just... I wish I'd been more careful."
"Well, there's a reason you're supposed to wait until you're married."
"Yeah. So here I am."
He squeezed her hand again. "Here you are."
"I've been smiling at her every day. Forcing myself to, if I have to."
"Why?"
"Oh... I'm just... you know, hoping that it sinks in. And she'll start smiling back."
He sighed. "Of course, you realize... she
knows you don't love her."
Creak, click.
"I'm... that's what I'm scared of."
"She's really young. She doesn't know much of anything, but she can tell when someone loves her. Well." He held out a correcting hand. "It's not so much that she knows you don't. It's more that she can recognize someone who does.
"I know you and Cal talked about giving her up for adoption. Why didn't you do that?"
"I don't know. I was planning on it. But when I saw her... When I held her..."
She had loved her. In that instant, at least, she really had.
He nodded, solemnly. "It's easy to be selfish in that kind of situation. It's easy to say, 'I know what's best,' or 'It's too hard to do the right thing.' You know you're just delaying the inevitable, though. You can't do this."
"I... well, I mean - I'm kind of stuck now." She flashed back to that morning, when she'd thought Rebecca was dead. "I'm doing my best."
"You're just a kid. I mean, if it was ten years down the road or something... but you're dealing with a lot, Sarah." He ticked up a finger. "You still feel attracted to women sometimes; you don't have that completely under control. It's bad enough that you're dealing with it yourself, but do you really want to pass it on to someone else?" He ticked up another finger. "You're great at academics, at schoolwork, but not really at empathy or thinking about other people, and kids need that. A lot of that." Another. "The flip side of that is you're very selfish. You think a lot about yourself. And that's a sin, too, but it can be good in the right situations. You know, it's a big part of why you've done so well in school. That career in law - that attitude will actually help you a lot there." A fourth finger. "And speaking practically, you don't have any money. Raising a kid is really expensive."
"My mom is helping..."
"I know. Helping to pay for the apartment. And that's great of her, it's great that you can rely on your family. Of course, you're lucky she doesn't know that you tried to call Tiff earlier today. But even if she never finds out about that, you don't think she'll take care of you forever, do you? You're going to have to get a job, eventually, and when you do... all those dreams, Yale, everything you worked so hard for, it just slips away."
Rebecca Page 4