by T. K. Leigh
“But he wasn’t with me,” I continue. “He’s distant. I don’t want to waste the rest of my trip obsessing over what he wants. I’m not stupid. I know there’s no chance of a future between us.”
“Why not?” Chloe asks.
“A lot of reasons. Mainly because he lives a world away.”
“So?” She shrugs nonchalantly. “In my experience, if two people are meant to be together, they’ll find a way, regardless of any obstacle.”
She would know. She and Lincoln had to overcome more than their fair share of obstacles. But they made it work.
“True, but I’m not going to let what might or might not be control what I do right now.” As the words leave my mouth, I’m hit with a realization I hadn’t considered before. “Do you think that’s what he’s doing? Do you think he’s keeping his distance because he knows nothing will ever come from this?”
“That’s not for us to say,” Izzy responds. “We can’t tell you what’s in his head. Only he can. So you need to talk to him. Not let this fester between you.”
“Lay it all on the line,” Evie suggests. “Tell him everything you told us. And give him a reminder of everything he’ll miss out on if he keeps pushing you away.”
“And then when you come home, you can tell us all about hot, royal sex.” Chloe leans toward the screen. “It is hot, right?” She clasps her hands in front of her in prayer.
“Hot enough to make those California wildfires burn for quite a few decades.”
They all whistle and cheer once more.
“Then why are you talking to us?” Chloe jests. “Go get some of that hot sex. And don’t come home until he’s made up for the lack of good sex you’ve endured these past three years.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Anderson
I don’t even know where I’m going. I just had to get out of that room to stop staring at a constant reminder of what a horrible person I am. I was on the brink of confessing the truth to Nora so many times today, but at the last minute, I changed course, too much of a coward to say the words. And that’s what I am. A coward. A fraud. A bastard undeserving of her affections and respect.
I want to tell Nora everything, but I hate the idea of her seeing me as a heartless prick. I want to walk away, but I’m drawn to her, this connection only growing stronger the more time we spend together.
Which is why I needed to go for a walk. Clear my mind. Do something to break free from the spell she seems to have cast over me.
The sidewalks of downtown Santa Fe teem with people checking out one of the many local galleries or shops, or perhaps looking for a place to stop for a drink and bite to eat. They all seem so happy. Families exploring this historic Southwestern city. Couples in love stealing kisses. I envy their blissful, simple lives. My life has never been simple.
As I stand at a crosswalk, I glance over my shoulder, noting the dark SUV lingering in a nearby parking lot, keeping me in its sights.
Creed.
It didn’t escape my notice that he’s been following us all day, even after my threat this morning. I considered reminding him of it, but I haven’t. Truth be told, I’m not even upset he’s still here. I expected nothing less. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve fired Creed, especially in the months immediately following Kendall’s death when I tried to drown myself in a bottle and he’d cut me off.
But that didn’t violate the trust I put in him. Not like this did.
In just twelve hours, my entire world has been tilted on its axis. It was one thing to blame myself for Kendall’s death, to blame myself for failing to see the signs that something was wrong with her. It’s a completely different thing to learn that my carelessness caused another car to careen off the road and into a tree, resulting in the loss of two lives.
Needing to speak to a voice of reason in a world that seems to lack any, I cross the street toward a public park and find a bench beneath the shade of a giant tree. I lower myself onto it and grab my phone out of my pocket, hitting my sister’s contact.
Children play in the distance, squealing with joy when their parents hand them an ice cream cone they’d just purchased from a street vendor. I wish I could go back to that time. To when I could find happiness in something as mundane as ice cream.
“Hey, Anders.” Esme’s groggy voice comes over the line.
“Sorry for waking you.”
“It’s okay.” She heaves a sigh. “I was expecting your call.”
“You were?”
“I spoke with Creed earlier.”
“Oh.” I pause, then ask, “What did he tell you?”
“Everything.”
“Everything?”
“Yes, Anders. Everything. About who this woman you’ve been traveling with truly is. About the car wreck.” A silence falls before she asks, “How are you holding up?”
I blow out a mirthless laugh, running my hand through my hair. “How do you think I’m holding up?”
“I can’t even imagine.” Her words are laced with all the sincerity and compassion I’ve come to expect from her. “It was the MS that caused it, wasn’t it?”
I hang my head, nodding, even though she can’t see me. Once Creed told me about what happened, it all clicked. Based on what my neurologist told me when I snuck off earlier to call him, all the symptoms I experienced the night of the crash could very well have been a flareup. But I refuse to blame it on my MS. I still got behind the wheel and drove carelessly enough to force a completely innocent person off the road.
“I’m so fucking confused, Esme,” I admit through the frustration in my throat. “I want to tell her, but I can’t seem to summon the words. Then I convince myself the best thing is to leave, but my legs refuse to walk away. It’s like I’m stuck in purgatory. I’m tormented by the fires of hell all while having a taste of heaven.” I pinch the bridge of my nose, my stomach knotting. “This all could have been avoided if Creed had told me about this years ago. Do you realize how fucked up it is that my own friend kept it from me? I think that’s what hurts the most. That he kept me in the dark.”
“He was just doing his job,” Esme reminds me, catching me off guard.
Normally, she takes my side. Living as we do, every decision is made for us. What we wear. Where we go. Whom we date. Being born into a powerful family doesn’t give you carte blanche to do whatever you want. Instead, every day is carefully scheduled, your behavior dictated to you. After a while, it becomes grueling. I may have grown up in a luxurious palace, but it was always more like a prison.
“Why aren’t you more upset about this? About everything? He kept a huge secret from me for six years, Esme. Six. Fucking. Years.” When a few passing tourists glance my way, I lower my voice. “How have you remained so close to him after he betrayed you?”
“He didn’t betray me, Anders,” she responds calmly. “I may have felt deceived at first. Angry. Like I wasn’t enough. It hurt that he chose his job over me. But when I stopped to consider everything, I realized I’d known all along how it would end between us, despite the hope I held onto. Creed was always going to be a member of the Royal Guard. It’s his legacy. Just like mine is to be Princess Royal. Nothing will ever change that.”
“Yet you stayed with him right up until his induction. Why?”
I’ve never delved into her history with my best friend. They kept their relationship private from the public eye. Hell, they’d even kept it from me in the beginning. But Esme can’t hide much from me, so she eventually revealed they’d been seeing each other in secret. At least until he was inducted into the Royal Guard at the age of twenty-six after serving the required eight years in the military.
“Because I’d rather know what it’s like to fly than to imagine it from the safety of the ground,” Esme breathes dreamily.
“You didn’t push him away to protect yourself from the inevitable heartache?”
I have no doubt she knows I’m no longer asking because I’m a good brother. I’m doing it for myself, my own peace of
mind. Learning the truth of who Nora is and what I did has turned everything on its head. In a way, this is worse than losing Kendall. When she passed, I had no warning. I wasn’t forced to count down the minutes I spent in her presence, knowing each ticking of the clock would be one less second I’d have with her.
“I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do here,” Esme states. “Our situations are vastly different. Yes, I knew my relationship with Creed would eventually come to an end. And I can’t pretend to understand what you must be thinking about your role in the car wreck that took not only Nora’s fiancé, but also her baby—”
“If you’re trying to make me feel like even more of a complete bastard, you’re doing a great fucking job.”
“But I don’t want you to have any regrets, Anders,” she soothes, ignoring my outburst. “You asked why I stayed with Creed when I knew there was no future. It’s because I didn’t think about it. I understand it’s nearly impossible not to look toward the future. Not only are you constantly reminded of yours as next in line for the crown, but now you face the added pressure of your MS diagnosis. But you, more than anyone should know that the future is uncertain. It’s not guaranteed. Right now is the only thing that is. This moment. Do you want to walk away from Nora and always wonder what if? That’s why I stayed with Creed. I didn’t want to have any regrets.”
“And do you?”
I can hear the smile in her tone when she responds. “Not for a second. Every tear shed, every ache in my heart was worth it to know how it feels to fly. To be loved.”
I pinch my lips together, processing her words. I’m still conflicted, considering every time I selfishly steal a kiss from Nora, I feel like I’m deceiving her. When we first met, I wanted her to get to know the real me. Now I want nothing more than to keep that person locked away.
“Thanks, Esme. For everything. For always listening. For smacking some sense into me, even from thousands of miles away.”
“That’s what I’m here for. Now go. Why are you talking to me when there’s a beautiful woman who deserves your attention?”
“You know why. I—”
“You can’t go back and change what’s happened in your past. But maybe you can do something today to change the future. Maybe it won’t work out, like you say. But maybe seeing if it does will be the exact adventure you need to remind you what it’s like to fly. That’s what Creed was to me. An adventure. That’s what Nora can be to you. Don’t let her become your biggest regret.”
“I think it may be too late for that,” I murmur, but the line’s already gone dead.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Anderson
As I make my way back to the hotel, all I can do is hope I haven’t completely ruined things with Nora. No matter what she did to pull me out of my slump — the jokes she told, the way she tried to distract me by jerking me off, the kisses she’d coaxed from me to make me return from my thoughts — all I could think about was the night I took everything from her.
Isn’t that what I’m doing by staying with her? Taking everything from her again?
Or am I just using that an excuse for the real reason I’ve been withdrawn all day?
That the last time I felt this way about another woman, it ended in disaster.
That I’m not sure I can put myself through that again.
That I’m scared.
Approaching the door to our room, a buzz fills me at the knowledge Nora’s just on the other side. A wall separates us, but I can feel her energy. Her vibrancy. Her devotion. I picture her lying on the bed, a book in her hand. Or maybe she’s meditating in front of the fireplace. Or perhaps she opted for a relaxing soak in the jetted tub.
But when I open the door and step inside, I learn every scenario I imagined is wrong.
She bolts up from the couch, not giving me a second to greet her before she rushes toward me, eyes wild, expression frantic.
“Why are you pushing me away?” she demands, sounding agitated.
“I—”
“Because I am trying so hard to wrap my head around it,” she cuts me off, pacing in front of me, tugging at her hair. Then she whirls toward me once more. “Did you not enjoy last night?”
“What?” My gaze widens, her question catching me off guard. “Of course I did. You know I did.”
“Right.” She turns, pacing again. “I did, too. I really fucking did. But then today…” Pausing, she peers into the distance, turmoil covering every inch of her. “Today was different.” Her eyes lock with mine, her frustration turning more to understanding. “I get it. I’ve been where you are. I am where you are.”
She takes my hand in hers, rubbing her thumb along my knuckles, like I so often do to her. It’s a simple touch, but it sends a warmth through me, offering me comfort when I need it the most. I wish it didn’t feel like a lie, like I’m undeserving of this gesture.
“We’ve both lost someone we cared about. We’ve both suffered the worst kind of heartbreak imaginable. So instead of risking it and enduring that again, we’ve kept our hearts locked up. Pushed people away. All to protect ourselves.”
I try to open my mouth and tell her that’s only part of it, but words don’t come. All I can do is lose myself in her eyes. We’re back in the bubble where nothing else matters. Where the future is just an abstract idea. There’s only here. Only now. Only us.
“I know you’re scared. I am absolutely petrified, too. These feelings…” She licks her lips. “I haven’t felt this way about anyone since Hunter.” Pulling away, she treads a path in front of me once more. “I get how fucked up this situation is. I’m out here spreading my dead fiancé’s ashes, for crying out loud!” She stops pacing, standing a breath away but not touching me.
“I don’t care about that anymore. Don’t care that the probability of anything coming from this is so minuscule it’s laughable. Don’t care that in just a week, I’ll say goodbye to you and hope my heart manages to heal. I am so fucking scared that when I walk away, I’ll never feel this again. That I’ll go back to my life and nothing will be the same. Flowers won’t be as fragrant. Colors won’t be as vibrant. And the wine certainly won’t taste the same.”
A smile tugs on my lips. We’ve known each other for such a short time, but in that time, she’s opened my eyes, lifted the fog I’ve lived in since I received my diagnosis. Hell, probably since I’d lost Kendall.
“I’m so scared of this, Anderson,” she chokes out. “But for the first time in years, I want to be scared… With you.”
The passion and fervor in her voice reminds me exactly why I was drawn to her in the first place. Why I proposed she join me when her car broke down. Why I couldn’t keep my distance from her, even if I wanted to. There’s a fire in her. A spirit. A life.
I want more of that.
I want more of her, to hell with the consequences.
“You’re right,” I begin, my voice uneasy in the stark silence. “I am scared. So much about you absolutely petrifies me, Nora. The way I feel…” I shake my head. “I can’t describe it apart from feeling like I’m…flying. Like I’m about to jump out of a plane without a parachute, and it is one of the most frightening things I’ve done in my life. But I’m not going to let that stop me.” I grip her face, passion and want dripping from my fingertips. She inhales a sharp breath, surprised by my sudden movement.
“You scare the shit out of me, love. But there’s no one I’d rather be scared with.”
Before she can utter a single syllable, I crush my lips to hers, kissing her with the same ardor and fury with which she just poured her heart out to me. She wraps her arms around my neck, deepening the exchange, pressing her body as close to mine as possible. The distance I forged between us today is gone, and she’s desperate to reconnect as we did last night. Her hunger is insatiable, her confidence doing things to my own desire. But as much as I’m also anxious to feel her again, I need to do this right.
When she palms my erection and squeezes, about
to lower my zipper, I grab her wrist, stepping out of her reach. Chest heaving, she peers at me through bewildered eyes.
“I don’t want to fuck right now, Nora.”
“Excuse me?” Her confusion is written in her furrowed brow and downturned lips.
Hooking an arm around her slim waist, I pull her body against mine. “I want to go slow.”
I circle my hips, hitting that spot I know she’s desperate for me to touch. Her eyelids flutter closed, mouth parting just slightly. God, I love this look on her, this expression of unyielding ecstasy. There’s no bigger turn-on for me than to know I do this to her. That I push her to the edge of all reason. Because this woman has pushed me beyond reason.
I pepper kisses down her neck to her collarbone, savoring the taste of her skin. “I want to seduce you. Your mind. Your body. Your heart.” I force her lips back to mine. “I want your heart more than anything, Nora.”
My tongue traces the seam of her mouth, begging for entry. She opens for me, answering my demand, our tongues tangling in a controlled kiss. Unlike last night, we’re not desperately trying to remove our clothes in an attempt to experience each other for the first time. We’re taking our time, savoring this feeling neither one of us thought we’d experience again.
Swooping her into my embrace, I carry her into the master bedroom, ignoring her demands that I put her down. I don’t want to ever put this woman down.
Maybe Esme’s right. Maybe it won’t work out. But maybe this next week with Nora is exactly the adventure I need in my life. After all, isn’t that why I stayed in the States after my diagnosis instead of heading home to break the news to my father? I wanted one last big adventure.
Maybe Nora is my adventure.
I carefully place her on the luxurious bed, then step back and kick off my flip-flops before shrugging out of my t-shirt. Nora props herself up and reaches for the hem of her sundress, but I stop her.
“Not yet,” I whisper with a soft kiss. “I want to undress you.”