Casting Down Imaginations

by LaShanda Michelle

  I thought and I thought.

  What gets and keeps a man? What will make him stay?

  And then I remembered. At church they always talked about what a woman had to do to keep her man happy. Keep the house clean, keep his stomach full, and keep him happy in the bedroom. I even heard the men say that because their women did that, they had no desire to go anywhere else. Some of them had been married for years.

  I smiled. Yep, that was what I was going to have to do. I’d do all of the above and even more. I’d cook. I’d be his personal chef. Shoot, I’d make him gourmet meals every night. I’d cook for him and his friends. They could all come eat at our house. And I would clean. I’d be the best maid he ever saw. I’d keep the floor so clean he’d be able to eat off it if he wanted to. And sex? However and whenever he wanted it, I’d give it to him. I’d do all of this and more to get my man back. I had to… For our baby. And now that I was out of school I had a lot of free time on my hands. It wouldn’t be hard to do all of this for him. He could keep doing his music and I’d be the number one fan that he needed me to be. I’d go to every show without complaining, taking the baby with me if I had to. I’d pass out flyers. Shoot, I’d load equipment if he needed me to. I’d do whatever, and as soon as I saw him I planned on letting him know.

  All I had to do was go over to his place and offer myself to him. He was sex crazed, so I knew he’d give in, even though he was still with Lexi. Even with my bump I was still fine, and even though he hadn’t called, I knew when he saw me he would want me. I’d just sleep with him in order to get next to him, then I’d tell him about the baby and he’d drop that chicken so fast she wouldn’t know what hit her. She’d be outside looking in while me and my baby took our rightful place next to him.

  I smiled at myself in the mirror.

  Girl, you are too smart. There isn’t any situation you can’t get yourself out of.

  **********

  I sat in front of Reese’s apartment with a stolen bottle of Hennessey in my lap. When he didn’t show up in the afternoon like he usually did I figured he was at the studio. I drove by and saw his truck parked there, but as usual, he had a busload of his friends with him and I didn’t feel like being bothered with all of them. So I wasted as few hours at home and then drove here, where I’d been waiting patiently for him to come home. It was a little after ten and I was unusually sleepy, but I didn’t care. I had to do what I had to do to get my man back.

  My stomach jumped as I watched his truck turn into the parking lot. I pulled out my compact mirror and checked my hair and makeup as he parked in his spot, got out, and made his way up the stairs. I didn’t want to scare him sitting there in the dark, so I stood to my feet and walked toward him. His face twisted when he recognized me.

  “What the hell you doin’ here?” he asked, angry. “You stalkin’ me?”

  This wasn’t going the way that I’d planned.

  “No, Reese. Calm down.”

  He rolled his eyes. Thinking quickly, I held out the bottle of alcohol.

  “I brought you a gift.”

  His demeanor changed at the thought of getting drunk. He was appreciative, and it showed when he took the bottle from me. “Thanks,” he said, and then paused. “Hold up. You ain’t old enough to buy this. Where you get this from?”

  I smirked. “Don’t worry about it. I have my ways.”

  He nodded dryly and walked past me toward his apartment.

  “Wait a minute. Aren’t you gonna even talk to me?”

  “For what?” he mouthed off. “What the hell are you even doing here, Nya?”

  “I came to see you.”

  “For what?”

  “Because…”

  He sighed, already irritated with me. “Go home, girl. I don’t even know why you came here. I don’t wanna see you.”

  What was wrong with him? The last time we were together we were making love. Why was he being so cold? I couldn’t let it end like this. No, not after all I’d been through for him. Not after standing here in the dark, pregnant with his child. Not after running the chance of getting arrested and getting a record for stealing that bottle of alcohol for him.

  “Reese, wait.”

  He spun around quick. “Did you scratch up Lexi’s car?”

  I swallowed hard. Lexi. How come everything was all about Lexi? I was the one carrying his baby, not that tramp!

  “No,” I lied with a straight face.

  He didn’t believe me. “You know that was jacked up what you did. You lucky she couldn’t find you, ‘cause she sho’ did go looking for you.”

  I was offended. “You would have let her hurt me?”

  He smacked his lips. “That was between y’all. And if you did do that to her car then you deserve to get got. You ain’t have no business doin’ that. You crazy.”

  Crazy? Crazy!

  If I was crazy it was for being in love with him, not scratching up some stupid girl’s car. Couldn’t he see I did it for him? I did it for love. I did it for us.

  Okay. Calm down girl. So what if he called you crazy. You’re not here to fight. You’re here to get him back.

  “Look, forget Lexi, alright? Can we talk?”

  He pulled his keys out and unlocked the door to his apartment. “We ain’t got nothing to talk about.”

  He walked in and pushed the door closed behind him. I stood there with the door in my face, humiliated. So far my plan was failing. I wanted to cry, but I had to be tough. There was too much at stake here. Too much was on the line.

  After five minutes of pumping myself up, I decided to be bold and opened the door. I peeked my head inside expecting to see Reese sitting in the living room on the couch. He wasn’t.

  I went inside and closed the door behind me.

  “Reese?” I called out. “Reese!”

  No response. I walked toward his bedroom and heard the shower running. He was in the bathroom.

  I turned to leave, but something stopped me. Something wouldn’t let me give up. A sickening feeling came over me. With clasped hands I leaned over, forcing myself to hold in the vomit that was fighting to come out.

  “What am I doing?” I asked myself as the tears started to come out. I was in a bad predicament. I knew that to be with Reese all I had to do was keep having sex with him. It was all he wanted. He was weak like that. He’d cave in. But was it worth it? Where was my self-respect?

  I was trying as hard as I could not to throw up. My tears flowed down without restraint. I wanted to give up. I wanted to just throw in the towel and call it quits. But I couldn’t. What was I going to do with this baby? How would I take care of it? The little two thousand dollars I had left in my checking account couldn’t take care of a baby. And I couldn’t go back home. What would I say to Deacon if I did? “Hi, Deacon. I’m pregnant?”

  That would never work. I had to do this.

  Through the tears I walked into his bedroom. His unmade bed greeted me. Flashbacks of my first time came rushing back. It was the same night I conceived a child with him. I couldn’t think about that right now, though. That night I thought I was making love. But it wasn’t love. It was just sex. Just like what I was about to do.

  Feeling sick, I undressed and walked over to the bathroom door. I stared down at my small bump. It was hardly noticeable, but it was all the encouragement I needed. Stronger than I was before, I lightly tapped on the door, even though I silently prayed that he wouldn’t answer.

  “Yeah,” he called. He knew it was me.

  I pushed open the door and joined him in the shower.

  twenty nine

  Karen

  I was asleep on the floor in my new room when Terrance knocked on the door and came in.

  “You sleep?” he asked. Through the moonlight shining through the window I made out his shape. He only had on a pair of shorts.

  “I was,” I said, rubbing my head. The headache that I had earlier hadn’t gone away yet.

  “Can I come lay with you?” he asked.

/>   “If you want. I don’t know how comfortable you’ll be on this floor.”

  “It’ll be alright,” he said as he snuggled next to me beneath the blanket. “I’ve slept on the floor before.”

  I scooted over to give him some room. “Thank you again for letting me stay with you.”

  “Stop thanking me, already. I told you it was no big deal. I just wish you would have let me at least get you a futon to sleep on.”

  “Nope. I’m gonna sleep right here on this floor until I can get a job and buy my own bed. I’m not gonna live off you.”

  He shook his head at me and smiled. “You talk to your dad yet?”

  I rolled my eyes, tired of answering the question. He’d asked me that every day for the past week.

  “I guess that’s a no,” he said. “When are you gonna call him? You know they’re worried sick about you.”

  “I’ll call home when I feel like it,” I said. “Stop asking me already.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes. Now change the subject.”

  He leaned over and kissed me on the lips.

  “What was that for?” I asked, turned on already by his touch.

  “I been wanting to do that all day,” he said. “Damn, you got some soft lips.”

  “Okay,” I said slowly. “But you can’t just be kissing me like that.”

  “Why not? You know you want me to.”

  I became speechless, suddenly nervous. I thought he’d come just to talk, but it was obvious he was trying to turn me on. During the entire week that I’d been living with him, not once did he over step any boundaries, except for the morning when he accidentally walked in on me while I was using the restroom. But I learned then to lock the door behind me and hadn’t had a problem since.

  “Terrance…” I managed to whisper, hating that I was becoming weak. He was too close to me. I could smell his cologne.

  He slid closer to me and wrapped his arm around me. I wished that I’d worn more to sleep than a thin baby doll, but a part of me was thankful that it was a cute one from Victoria’s Secret. Maybe I wore it on purpose, just in case Terrance were to see me after I went to bed.

  “It’s just us here,” he whispered to me. “You don’t have to pretend for nobody. Why fight it?”

  He looked into my eyes and I stared back. His chocolate skin seemed to glow from the light outside. And I wanted him. I wanted him bad. Real bad.

  He kissed me again, and our illegitimate session started. There were no words, only kisses and moans. It felt so good. With groping hands I enjoyed the way he violated me. As he kissed and rubbed areas that were not designated for him, I kissed back, completely drunk with lust. He climbed on top of me as we kissed, and I wrapped my arms and legs around him. It was intense. All of the love that I thought I let go of so long ago came flooding back, and I allowed it to take control. All of him felt good to me. His arms, his chest, his lips. His hands as they went up and down my back. The air from his nose as it tickled my cheek. I loved him. I really did love him.

  His ravenous lips explored more of me, moving from my mouth to my neck, and then further. He felt so good. He remembered all of my tender spots, making me crumble as he touched them, and I wanted to give in. I was so weak. Even if I wanted to say no, I would never be strong enough to resist him now.

  Then he slowly undressed me. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted this so bad, but I knew it wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I just laid there until I was completely exposed, clothed only in my original garment of skin. He then undressed before me. I saw his everything, and his everything wanted me.

  My heart began to beat faster and faster. I grew excited, remembering all of the things he used to do to me. The way he used to make me scream.

  I wanted him so bad I began to shake.

  He caressed me, kissing me tenderly, begging to make love to me. And I wanted him to. I really, really, really did…

  But I just couldn’t.

  Not now. Not like this. I’d been celibate for over two years, now. I made a vow to myself and to God not to have sex again until I was married. I couldn’t just give that all up.

  I whispered his name out between the moaning that we both were doing, but he didn’t hear me.

  “Terrance,” I said louder this time.

  He squeezed me tighter and pressed against me. He was ready.

  “Wait,” I stopped him, and unwrapped my legs from around his waist.

  He stopped. “What’s the matter?”

  He looked so dreamy on top of me. His eyes, his sexy lips. Those pretty white teeth. For a second I wished I didn’t have a conscious. That way I could do what I wanted when I wanted, including sexing the crap out of him right now.

  “I can’t.”

  He stared at me blankly. “What?”

  I felt bad. But I had to stick to what I thought was right. And if this was real love, Terrance would be willing to wait. Wouldn’t he?

  “I’m sorry,” I apologized. “But I just can’t.”

  He laid his head down on my chest, aggravated. I pulled the blanket around us to cover our nakedness.

  “I’m sorry,” I apologized again.

  “Don’t.”

  “Are you angry with me?” I asked, fearing the worst.

  “No,” he answered.

  “Then what is it?”

  He sighed, obviously frustrated. “I just thought that… You know.”

  “What?”

  “I just thought that maybe you’d changed your mind about us.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean… Before you weren’t trying to hear me at all. Then when you found out I was coming back to Daytown, you came wit’ me. I thought that meant you were starting to feel me again. But I guess you just came back to get your education.”

  “No, no,” I told him. “I do care about you, Terrance.”

  “Is it that celibate thing?”

  “Yeah.”

  He grunted. “Why you gotta be like that?”

  “It’s not you, okay? This is just how I am now. I made a commitment, and I can’t go back on it. You understand, don’t you?”

  He stood up and put his clothes back on. I turned away, not wanting to see him anymore. He wasn’t mine and I didn’t have the right.

  I felt horrible. I couldn’t just let him leave the way he was.

  “You wanna do something tomorrow?” I asked hopefully. “Maybe we can hang out. Chill or something.”

  He walked to the door. “Nawh,” he said. “I got plans. The team is throwing me a lil’ get together.”

  “Oh. Well, maybe I’ll go with you.”

  “I don’t think you’ll wanna go. It’s not gonna be your type of party.”

  I understood. In other words, he didn’t want me there.

  “Maybe some other time then?”

  He left and closed the door behind him without giving me an answer. I rolled over and looked out the window. The moon was still shining bright, but I didn’t think it was so beautiful anymore. I went to sleep wondering if I’d gotten myself into a big mess.

  thirty

  Anaya

  I lit the two candles sitting on my newly rented kitchen table and smiled. My candlelight dinner was all set up for Reese to come over. It had taken me six hours to make the chicken lasagna dinner, complete with a fresh tossed salad and baked bread. I even lifted a bottle of wine, which was now chilling on ice. Everything was set for Reese and me to have a wonderful evening.

  Ding… dong.

  Yes!

  I pulled the apron from around my waist and tossed it on the kitchen counter. I squealed as I made my way to the door, unable to contain myself. I just knew Reese was going to freak when he saw me dressed this sexy. My trip to the lingerie store earlier had not been in vain. My lace camisole and boy short set was sure to knock him off his feet.

  When I opened the door the only word that he could find to explain how he felt was obscene. One look at me and he alre
ady knew what my plans were for the evening.

  “Dang, girl,” he licked his lips. “You look scrumptious.”

  “Thank you,” I said, and took him by the hand. “Come in and see my new place.” I couldn’t wait to show him my decked out apartment. I went and rented the best of the best furniture to impress him. There was no way that I could let him see me living the way I was before.

  “Alright, alright.” He took a look around. “This place is nice. You did alright for yourself.”

  “Thank you, thank you,” I said again, proud of myself. “You hungry?”

  He nodded.

  “Good. Because I have been in the kitchen forever making you a delicious dinner. Would you like some wine?”

  He grinned. “You got some?”

  I nodded and opened the bottle. “Yep. Anything and everything for my baby.”

  He looked uneasy. “Baby, you did all this for me?”

  I poured him a glass and handed it to him. “Hurry up and sit down. What kind of dressing do you want on your salad? I only have three kinds, so there aren’t many options.”

  “Nya, I…”

  “I got french, ranch, and vinegar. Vinegar isn’t that bad.”

  “Baby, I didn’t know you were doing all this. I wish you would have told me.”

  I grabbed him by the hand and sat him down at the table. “If I would have told you that would have ruined the surprise. What fun would that have been?”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “Hush,” I silenced him, and straddled myself across his lap. “I wanted to do this for you. I love you.”

  He sighed. “Nya, I—”

  “Ssshhh…” I whispered and gave him a long kiss. “Don’t worry about nothing, baby. I’m gon’ take care of you tonight, okay?”

  He leaned his head back as I kissed his neck, growing weak from my touch.

  “That’s nice… but… I can’t stay.”

  I pulled away abruptly. “What?”