“Okay.”
After she gave me an extra pillow from her side of the bed, she leaned over and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
“Things used to be sweet between us, didn’t they?”
I nodded.
“I’m sorry. You know, about all that’s happened. And all the times I mistreated you. I want you to know that I really do love you.”
“Mama, you already apologized. You don’t have to anymore.”
“No, Karen. Just listen, okay. I’m your Mama, and for the past few years I been letting my own circumstances get in the way of that.”
“It’s okay. Things happen sometimes. Let’s just look to the future now, and start things on a fresh note.”
“I like that idea. But I gotta be honest. My faith has been wavering lately. Me and your Daddy go to church every Sunday, just like we always have for years. But it feels like I’m almost dead inside. Me getting mad at him almost every day like I do is the only reason why I feel alive sometimes, you know? It’s really sad.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Mama.”
She paused. “Baby, can you pray for me?”
I flinched. “You really want me to?”
She nodded. “You have this great relationship with God, and I know you pray all the time. I been lacking in that area lately and I don’t feel strong enough to pray on my own. Can you say a small prayer for me?”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her that lately my communication with God had been on a decline also. So I simply nodded and took both of her hands in mine.
“Dear Jesus,” I began to pray. “Lord, we come to you now…”
thirty seven
Anaya
“I can’t believe I’m about to this,” I whispered to myself as I stood behind the curtain on the stage at Club Prestige. I was shaking. I felt like I had to pee and throw up at the same time.
“You alright?” Derrick, my security, asked me.
I nodded just to shut him up. Jeff came behind the curtain shortly after, mumbling under his breath about how hard it was to find good help these days. The DJ hadn’t showed up yet, and no one else there knew how to work the sound system but him.
“I’m ‘bout to introduce you,” he said, not even looking at me. “What’s your name?”
I grunted, distain drenching my voice. “You know my name.”
“No, your stage name. You gotta have a stage name.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. You didn’t give me one.”
“You’re supposed to come up with your own,” he said, annoyed.
“Hurry. Your set’s about to come up.”
“I can’t think of one.”
“Well you better hurry before I go out there and give them your real name.”
“Don’t do that, Jeff,” Skye, who’s real name was Amber, said quickly. “You’ll have every pervert out there trying to find out where she lives.”
“Well y’all better think of something,” Jeff said, very short-tempered.
“I ain’t got time for this.”
Skye and I stood there thinking while Derrick suggested names that we repeatedly turned down.
“Karma,” I told him.
Everyone exchanged puzzled looks.
“Because everything you do is gonna come back to you,” I told Jeff.
He rolled his eyes and left for the DJ booth.
Derrick and Skye looked at me like I was crazy.
“Do you know who that is?” he asked me.
I nodded, caring.
“You cocky,” Amber told me. “You better watch it. You don’t want to cross Jeff. He’s crazy.”
“I don’t care about Jeff,” I said through tight lips. “I’m just here to get my money.”
She gave me a doubtful smile and put her drink in my hand. “Here youngin’. You gon’ need this.”
I quickly swallowed the gin in the cup and gave it back to her as Jeff introduced me. Derrick left for his post in front of the stage while Amber moved aside and waited for me to finish.
I bowed my head as the curtains opened and the spotlights of the stage landed on me. I was shaking inside, but the burn of the hard liquor calmed me somehow. Men in the room howled at me, showing their appreciation for the ensemble that barely covered anything on my body. I wanted to run off the stage and keep running until I got all the way home, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I needed the money. So I started dancing.
“Yeah, baby!” an old man yelled at me.
Money fluttered onto the stage. I started counting. Twenty. Forty. Sixty. One twenty. One seventy… Two hundred.
I’d seen enough. The sight of all of that money being made in less than thirty seconds brought out an alter ego. She knew I was broke and needed to do what I had to do in order to pay my bills. And she didn’t care about anything else but getting more money. I performed the way she wanted me to. When the song was over I scooped up my earnings and quickly retreated backstage.
“You’ve done this before!” Amber screeched at me with a big grin on her face.
“I’m rich!” I laughed, shaking the money in her face. She took the thin robe that she had on and draped it over my shoulders.
“I know,” she laughed. “Did you leave them some money to give to me? This will be the last time I go on after you. I’m making sure of it.”
“Ha,” I laughed, organizing my rent money.
“Don’t get too cocky. You know Jeff got to get his cut, and don’t even think about trying to sneak it out of here. They check everything before you walk out the door.”
I shrugged. “As long as I can pay my rent.”
Skye laughed. “Wish me luck,” she said, and sauntered through the curtain and onto the stage just as her name was called.
I made my way back to the locker room to change, counting the money in my hand. I was well over seven hundred when I saw Jeff approaching me. I kept walking, hoping that he would see that I didn’t want to talk to him.
“Anaya,” he stopped me. “I mean Karma.”
“What do you want?” I asked rudely.
He smiled at me. “You looked pretty good out there.”
“I know.”
“Real good,” he insisted, and put his hand on my arm.
I jerked away. “Don’t touch me.”
“Whoa, whoa. Why are you so testy? I was just trying to give you a compliment.”
“You can keep it.”
He snickered. “Why you got such a bad attitude?”
“Why do you think, Jeff?”
He nodded. “Alright. I can respect that. But don’t be poppin’ off at the mouth with me. Without me you wouldn’t have that thick wad of cash in your hands right now. Don’t forget who helped you when you needed it.”
I walked away to keep from slapping him.
“Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you,” he said and grabbed my arm.
“I told you not to touch me.”
“I can do whatever I want to you. You mine now.”
I pushed him away. “You bastard. Now get your hands off of me before I claw your eyes out!”
He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. “You must not know who you talking to.”
“HEY!” a deep voice yelled.
We turned to find Derrick walking toward us. “Everything cool here?” he asked.
“I’m just tryin’ to straighten out this lil’ ho right here,” Jeff said. “She need to learn a lesson.”
I pulled away from him and picked up a few of the dollars that had fell to the ground, then rushed off to the locker room. I was putting my money in my locker when someone screamed.
“Girl, hush,” Derrick said. “You don’ showed the whole world everything you got and now you wanna act modest?”
“You’re not supposed to be in here. Get out!” the girl yelled at him.
He ignored her and joined me at my locker.
“What are you doing in here?” I asked him.
“I came to check on y
ou. You okay?”
“What? You talkin’ ‘bout Jeff? Please. I been bothered by better, okay.”
He took a seat on the bench in front of me. “What’s up with you? Why you act like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like you ain’t scared of nothing.”
“’Cause I’m not. I’m just here to get some money until I find something better. Jeff can go to hell drenched in gasoline.”
“You really should watch how you act with him. I know him. He’s dangerous.”
“If he’s so dangerous then why you not afraid of him?”
He shook his head. “Just be careful, alright. He don’t respect women.”
“Yeah. I kinda figured as much,” I said sarcastically.
“Next time I might not be there to distract him. So just be careful from now on, okay?”
He seemed sincere enough. “Fine,” I told him. “But why do you care so much?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I like the way you look onstage.”
I rolled my eyes at him and told him to get out. He left with a smile on his face, and for some reason, I had one on mine, too.
thirty eight
Karen
I nodded Terrance’s way as he walked through the front door and quickly returned to studying. I had a test tomorrow and was way behind with my studying due to the crazy drama with my parents and spending time with Terrance, and I had a lot of ground to cover.
He dropped his gym bag on the floor and looked around the apartment. “What’s going on here?”
“Huh?” I asked, still halfway looking at him.
“You been here since one o’clock and you ain’t clean this place up yet?”
I stopped what I was doing, surprised. It was true. The dishes had been in the sink all day from last night and there were two loads of unfolded laundry sprawled across the couch.
“Yeah. I was gonna get to it, but I got a lot of studying to do.”
“So do I. On top of basketball.”
I tried to figure out what it was that I’d done to cause the attitude he was throwing my way. “Are you okay?” I asked him.
“Hungry,” he grumbled and stalked into the kitchen. “You mean to tell me you ain’t started dinner yet?” he bellowed at me.
“I been busy!” I snapped at him. “What’s wrong with your hands? You know how to cook.”
“That’s not the point. You been here all afternoon and ain’t done nothing but sit on your butt.”
“I’ve been busy,” I repeated.
“Look, I didn’t want to have to say anything, ‘cause I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and I know you been going through a lot with your parents and everything. But you gotta start doing your part.”
“My part?”
“Yeah. I’m taking care of you. I’m paying the bills. I got you a car. I helped your mama out. The least you could do is keep the house clean and have dinner ready when I get home.”
“Why are you trying to act like I’m just the nastiest and laziest person in the world? You know I cook and clean all the time.”
“Well lately you been slipping on it.”
“Because I’ve been busy, I keep trying to tell you, if you’d listen.”
“I don’t want no lip about it, alright. Just get it done.”
I chuckled sarcastically at him. “Just get it done? I am not your maid.”
He retrieved his gym bag and retreated to his room. “I’m not arguing about this with you,” he told me over his shoulder. “Come get me when my food is ready.”
I sat in my seat and watched him close his bedroom door behind him, trying my best to figure out what just happened. But I refused to become angry, even though I wanted to so bad. Instead of going off on him, I put my books away and went into the kitchen to make dinner. What choice did I have? When you lived with someone, you had to play by their rules.
thirty nine
Anaya
I was sitting on the floor of my living room folding laundry when a piece of paper slid underneath my front door. Curious, I crawled over and read it, and a smile came over my face.
Girl With No Name,
I guess I made you mad last time. My bad. I didn’t mean it. I’m making tonight a movie night and wanted to know if you wanted to watch with me. I hope you say yeah. Just come over when you get ready.
-A
“He is not gon’ give up,” I laughed. I already ate his chicken and turned him down. What else did he need me to do to prove that I wasn’t interested?
I read the letter again. I hated to admit it, but it was sweet.
“I’m not going to his place,” I said to myself, trying to push away the thought of all the food he could have in his fridge. “It’s silly. Silly, silly, silly.”
I returned to folding my laundry, but the more I folded the more I thought about Ayden. Maybe he was just a sweet guy who really didn’t want anything from me. Maybe all he really wanted was to get to know me.
“Uuurrrggghhh,” I grunted. Why was I trying to give him the benefit of the doubt? I didn’t even like him. He wasn’t cute and he was sure to end up being a dog just like David and Reese and every other man in the world besides Deacon Patterson. I’ll go to my grave old and lonely before I let anyone else play me. I will never make the mistake of falling in love again. Ever.
I sighed, still thinking. I was off tomorrow, so it wasn’t like I had to get up in the morning. And I didn’t have anything to eat, so if I went over there I could probably just ask for a snack and try to eat it slowly so I could get full off of it. But I’d only stay for one movie. After that I’d get up and leave.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I said to myself and got up and prepared to go to Ayden’s.
I took a shower, then dressed myself in a pair of jeans and a cute top and quickly styled my hair. I didn’t want to make myself too over the top, but I figured the least I could do was make myself presentable. It wasn’t like I had a long line of people trying to be my friend, anyway. Maybe we could just be cool. I owed it to myself to at least try.
I put on some makeup and body spray, then went over to Ayden’s.
“Look who it is,” he said as he opened the door. “The girl with no name from next door.”
I was nervous. Maybe this wasn’t the wisest decision. Especially since I left my pocket knife at home.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
He opened the door wider and moved aside so I could walk in.
“Please do.”
I walked in and sat on his couch. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
“So, what movies did you rent?” I asked, trying to break the ice.
“I got some old gangsta movies,” he answered. “You like those?”
I frowned and shook my head.
“Oh. Well… I got cable. We can just watch TV if you want.”
I nodded, feeling awkward.
He turned the TV on and handed me the remote. “Whatever you wanna watch,” he said.
I took the remote from him and flipped through the channels. I finally stopped when I found an interior decorating show.
He chuckled. “The girl with no name likes to decorate?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. If I had the money I would do a lot of things with my place.”
He seemed impressed. “Wwwwhhhhhaaaatttt? The girl with no name just told me something about herself?”
I looked down at my lap, not liking that I’d just done that. I was just supposed to be watching a movie, and here I was blabbing my mouth.
“It’s cool,” he insisted. “You just let me know that you’re human.”
I stared at the TV, hoping it would show him that I wasn’t in the mood for conversation. He didn’t get my drift.
“How about I tell you something about me? Then maybe I can finally learn what your name is.”
I didn’t say anything. He kept talking.
“Well, as you know my name is
Ayden. I’m a senior marketing major at DU. I’m from Kansas City, I like Jazz music, and my middle name is Tyrone. But don’t tell nobody because I think it’s country and it might ruin my rep.”
I tightened my lips to keep from laughing.
“What was that?” he asked, smiling. “Was that a laugh trying to come through? Did I just see the girl with no name almost laugh?”
I stopped resisting and let a smile come through.
He gasped. “There it is!” he laughed. “I did it! I did it! I finally got her to smile!”
“Shut up,” I joked.
“And she told me to shut up!” he exclaimed. “I got two for two!”
“God, you’re corny,” I said.
He smiled. “Hey, I do what I do.”
I went back to watching the television.
“So, you gon’ tell me what your name is?”
I shook my head, my eyes still on the TV.
“Oh, that’s cold.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “It is what it is.”
“Alright. I’m gon’ let you get away with it. You ain’t got to tell me nothing about you… Even though I just told you all my business… You know, so you would be more comfortable and everything… But you know, you ain’t got to tell me nothing… I let you come in my house and eat my chicken and watch my cable TV and everything…”
“Alright,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Kim. My name is Kim,” I lied just to pacify him.
“Kim,” he repeated. “That’s nice. It fits you.”
I shook my head, trying to figure out how that was possible. He didn’t know a thing about me, and I was trying to keep it that way.
“So you gon’ tell me anything else?” he asked.
“What do you wanna know?”
“It doesn’t have to be too personal. What do you do for a living?”
I chuckled. There was no way in the world he was finding out I was a stripper. He wasn’t going to treat me the way Jeff and all of the sleazy clients I danced for did.
“Nope.”
“Nope?”
“Nope. Not gonna tell ya.”
He laughed. “You something else, Kim. Since you into decorating and all, what would you do with this place?”
I frowned at him. “You can’t be asking me for my ideas. You got to pay me for my advice.”
Casting Down Imaginations Page 24