“What you get me?” he asked jokingly, as if he were a spoiled child on Christmas morning.
“Something. I hope you like it,” I said and the two of us sat down at the table. I watched him unwrap the gift and pull the coat and matching hat out. He lit up when he realized what it was, but the smile quickly faded and worry came across his face.
“How did you pay for this?”
“You’re not supposed to ask me that,” I said, a vain attempt at avoiding his question.
“I mean it, Anaya,” he said sternly. “Where did you get the money to pay for this? This is a nice coat. I know it cost at least a hundred dollars. Where’d you get the money?”
A hundred? He must not be able to recognize the real material from the fake.
“Why does it matter?” I asked.
“Don’t play with me. I asked you a question and I expect you to give me a direct answer.”
I knew he was serious. I stopped joking.
“Fine. I had a little money saved up from my job, and I wanted to get you something nice since I missed your birthday,” I lied. “I was just trying to find some kind of way to repay you for all the nice things you’ve done for me over the years.”
There was silence. I knew guilt was running through his veins. I hated to make him feel that way, but there was no way that I could tell him the truth. He could never know about Jeff and Prestige and all of the men I entertained.
“I’m sorry, baby girl,” he apologized. “I just worry about you,” he said. “You’re all the way up there on that big campus by yourself. Then you come up here all dolled up, with your hair and your nails and your makeup. You look like a woman, and I must say you’re the best looking college student I’ve ever seen in my life. You got your fancy clothes on… You’re spending money like you make more than I do, and you only make minimum wage.”
“I like to save,” I lied again.
He nodded. “That’s something else that’s new about you, too,” he said. “Before you would have your allowance spent before you even got it.”
“It’s different when you have to earn it yourself,” I said.
He studied me for a second. “You don’t have a boyfriend up there, do you?” he asked.
“Deacon!”
“Because if you do, you can tell me. Is he the one giving you all this money?”
“Deacon! No, I don’t have a boyfriend! I don’t have time for one.”
He kept right on talking, like he didn’t even hear me.
“A man isn’t gonna do all this for you if you aren’t doing anything in return for him,” he told me. “You aren’t sleeping around, are you?”
“DEACON!” I yelled, and jumped up from the table where I was sitting. “Oh my God! I can’t believe you’re calling me a whore right to my face!”
“I never called you a whore. I’m just looking out for you. Where are you getting all this money?”
“I have a job!” I yelled at him over my shoulder. I was already running upstairs to my room. “I can’t believe you!”
“Do you have a boyfriend?” he asked as he followed me.
“No!” I yelled, and ran into my room and slammed the door behind me. “You told me I could never have one. Remember?”
“I’m sorry,” he apologized through the door. “I’m just trying to look after you. You know, no matter how old you get, you’re gonna always be my daughter.”
“Maybe that’s the problem,” I said to myself and flopped down on my bed.
“Anaya, open this door. I want to talk to you.”
“I’m upset right now and don’t want to talk,” I told him.
He was quiet, but I knew he was still there.
“Thank you for the gift,” he said quite a while later. “I really like it.”
“You’re welcome,” I muttered just loud enough for him to hear me.
He waited a few more minutes. “And I never thought you were a whore. Just so you know.”
I didn’t reply.
“You wanna come eat this wonderful dinner you made for me?”
“No thanks,” I said, and picked up one of my mom’s journals from my bed. “I’m not that hungry anymore.”
I knew it hurt his feelings, but I didn’t have the heart to look at him.
“Alright,” he said sadly. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”
I heard his footsteps go down the hall, then turned my attention to the journal in my hand. My mom’s life seemed like it was so carefree. I wondered how she managed to spit out a trifling piece of mess like me.
forty seven
Karen
“Where have you been, Terrance?” I asked him as he walked through the front door.
His eyes widened when he saw me. I was sure he expected me to be in bed fast asleep as I usually was when he crept in during the early hours of the morning. But tonight I stayed up, and the fact that my repeated calls to his cell phone had gone unanswered all night didn’t put me in the best of moods.
“What you doing up so late, girl?” he asked.
I crossed my arms. “Answer my question, Terrance.”
He pouted. “I was just chillin’ with the fellas,” he told me. “Is that alright wit’ you?”
I rolled my eyes as I blew out the candles on the kitchen table. They’d burned all the way down to the holder while I waited for him to come home, and the dinner that took two hours to make was now wrapped in aluminum foil in the fridge. The whole night was just one more inconsiderate antic of his. But, like a fool, I kept putting up with it.
“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“My phone? What, you tried to call me?”
“Don’t even try it, Terrance. You know I been trying to call you all night.”
He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and flipped it open.
“Damn,” he said. “I see you called now. I must have left it on vibrate from when I was in the library. I’m sorry, baby.”
“Yeah, you seem to be doing that a lot lately.”
He followed me into the living room and sat down next to me on the couch. “You mad at me or something?”
I wanted to be, but I was too tired. If I told him yes, he would remind me that I wasn’t his girlfriend and that he didn’t have to tell me where he was at all times. If I told him no, he would tell me to stop acting like I had a problem and to go to bed. I didn’t feel like hearing either reply tonight.
“I don’t know, Terrance.”
He frowned. “What you mean, you don’t know?”
“I don’t know. You actin’ up, though.”
“What?”
I could tell an argument was about to start, and I really didn’t want to go there. But I was fed up with his behavior. He kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me, but when I didn’t give him what he wanted, he always pulled stunts like this. I just had to be bold and come right out and ask him.
“You sexin’ somebody, Terrance?”
His mouth dropped open. “Karen!”
I jumped to my feet and stood in front of him. “Tell me the truth!”
“Nawh, I ain’t sexin’ nobody!” he asserted. “You the one that’s trippin’. Coming up in my face with that bull.”
“Well what am I supposed to think, Terrance? You leave the house and won’t tell me where you’re going, then you come home late and say you been with your friends. But I don’t know no dude that hangs out with so-called friends every night until three o’clock in the morning unless they doing something. You always hollerin’ ‘bout how you a man and you got needs. You ain’t gettin’ it from me, so who you sexin’?”
He stood and walked into the kitchen. “I ain’t sittin’ here listenin’ to this in my own house. You must have forgot who I was. This my house you livin’ in. Don’t forget that, alright?”
I hated how he talked to me. One minute he could be so sweet, the next he acted like I disgusted him. I never knew what side of him I was going to get.
“
Don’t talk crazy to me,” I yelled at him.
He opened the fridge and pulled out a bottled water. “Then stop acting crazy.”
Angry, I ran across the kitchen and shoved him against the counter.
“Hey, girl!” he scolded. “What the hell is your problem?”
“You!” I screamed. “You’re my problem!”
He set his water down on the counter and picked me up in his arms.
“Put me down!” I screamed, but instead he carried me into the living room and tossed me on the sofa.
“Sit in time out until you learn how to keep your hands to yourself,” he instructed me. “I ain’t in the mood for no temper tantrums tonight, okay?”
I tried to stand up but he pushed me down again.
“Sit down,” he told me.
“You can’t make me sit on this couch,” I sassed, and tried to get up again.
Once again, he pushed me back down. “Watch me.”
We wrestled back and forth five or six times until I finally gave up.
“I hate you,” I sassed in aggravation.
He chuckled. “I know you wish you could. That’s why you all mad at me right now. ‘Cause you know you still love me, and you mad at yourself because you wish you didn’t.”
I grunted, angry that he knew me so well. “I’m not in the mood, Terrance.”
He laughed. “Alright, fine. But don’t be mad at me ‘cause you ain’t wit’ me, ‘cause I gave you ample opportunity.”
I held my head down, feeling uneasy. I still needed to know the truth. “Terrance, were you with another girl tonight?”
He sighed. “Why you wanna know?”
“’Cause I do. Were you, yes or no?”
There was a pause before he answered. “Yeah, man…”
“I knew it,” I grumbled under my breath and stood up to go to my room. I didn’t want to talk to him any more or look at him for that matter. I just wanted to be left alone.
“I didn’t say your time out was over yet,” he said, and pushed me back down into the sofa.
I rolled over on the seat away from him. “I hate you,” I said.
He gasped. “Watch your mouth, girl. I don’t like that attitude.”
I shook my head, annoyed with him. “I got it from you.”
“Yeah. One more thing that I do wrong. Sorry I can’t be the perfect man you want me to be.”
That struck a nerve. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, turning to face him.
“It means just that. You want me to be this perfect little church boy, to do and act just like you say. But I’m a grown man.”
“Didn’t nobody say you wasn’t grown.”
“No, but you keep tryin’ to change me.”
“I have never tried to change you.”
“Yes, you have, but I won’t let you, because I’m a man, and I make my own decisions, and I’m not gon’ let you or nobody else dictate the way I live my life. Quit trying to control me.”
I sat up, becoming angrier at him. “Since when have I tried to control you, Terrance?”
“You do it all the time!” he insisted. “Here I am, tryin’ my hardest to be wit’ you ‘cause I love you, and you gon’ tell me I gotta go to church to be wit’ you. Like them phony people down there got anything to do with what we got going on.”
“First of all, I never said that you had to be a certain way, Terrance. I just let it be known that I have standards.”
“I got standards, too. Did you ever think about that?”
“Yeah right. What standards could you possibly have? You obviously don’t have none if you’ll get with a girl who will let you stay at her place til’ three o’clock in the morning.”
“Kind of how I do with you when you sleep in the bed with me, huh?”
I was silent. He put me in my place with that one, but he didn’t have to be so rude about it.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized, seeing that his words offended me.
“No, you’re not,” I whispered, about ready to cry. “That was a low blow.”
“Yes, I am. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. You just pushed me to it.”
“Oh yeah. It’s my fault. And I guess it’s my fault you spent most of the night with some other female because I wouldn’t have sex with you. You’re so full of it.”
He leaned over and tried to hug me, but I pushed him away.
“I said I was sorry,” he told me. “What more do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me who you were with tonight.”
His face fell. “Why you wanna know all that?”
“’Cause I do.”
“What difference does it make? All you need to know is that I wasn’t here with you.”
A chill went through me. “Is it somebody I know? You tryin’ to protect somebody?”
“I ain’t got nothing to hide. I just wanna know why you wanna know.”
“Because I wanna know.”
“I ain’t gon’ tell you, ‘cause it ain’t none of your business.”
“If you didn’t sex her you ain’t got nothing to hide. All y’all did was hang out, right?”
His eyebrows went up, surprised I was playing hardball with him. He seemed to be up for the challenge, though.
“Alright, fine,” he gave in. “You wanna act like a big girl and everything, like I’m yo’ man or something. Fine, I’ll tell you. I was with Christy.”
Christy?
I searched my brain, trying to figure out where I heard that name before. I almost threw up when I remembered.
“That ho from the gym that day?”
“Hey, hey,” he calmed me. “Watch that language. She ain’t no ho.”
I pushed him. “Are you defending her?” I asked, outraged.
“No, I’m just… I don’t know. Why you actin’ crazy?”
“Because you left me here all alone to be with that skank!” I yelled, and pushed him again.
“Hey girl. Stop puttin’ your hands on me.”
I sat on my hands to keep from hitting him. “How could you, Terrance?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know what you expect from me, Karen.”
“I expect for you to treat me right.”
“I do. I put you up in my place, I helped your mama out when she needed me. I treat you real nice. I take you out and everything. But you want me to act like I’m your man, and I can’t do that. I can only be me.”
“I can only be me, too,” I explained. “What am I supposed to think about us, Terrance, if you keep treating me like I’m your girlfriend?”
“I want you to be my girlfriend,” he told me. “I wanna be wit’ you, you know I do. But a man can only take being rejected for so long before…”
I know he’s not about to say what I think he’s about to say.
“Before what, Terrance?”
“Before he goes elsewhere,” he confessed.
I sighed, not happy with his answer.
“I’m just tryin’ to be real wit’ you,” he explained. “Just like you gotta do you, I gotta do me.”
I shook my head. “But if you really love me the way you say that you do, shouldn’t that love be enough?”
He opened his moth to say something, but then stopped.
“What is it?” I asked.
He hesitated. “I thought it would be,” he admitted. “And I wish it was, for your sake. But like I already told you, I got needs, too, baby girl.”
I grunted. “So it’s all about sex?”
He scooted closer to me. “No, it’s not all about sex. It’s about love, and when you love someone you accept them for who they really are. I’m not celibate. You are. And I’m telling you I can’t roll like that. I accept you being celibate, but you don’t accept me being the way I am. Now, if you wanna be wit’ me, you gotta be willin’ to compromise.”
My mouth gaped open. “Compromise how?”
“Just relax a little bit. Don’t be so uptight.”
I sucked my
teeth. “Terrance, I don’t recall having a relationship with God being uptight.”
“Okay, okay. But you don’t have to be so high strung about it. You’re like a damn nun!”
“Oh, please!”
“You are. You don’t even listen to rap music.”
“Because I don’t like it.”
“But I do. And there’s nothing wrong with that. And you think you have to be perfect just because you’re a Christian, but nobody ever said that. You put way too much stress on yourself, like saying I gotta be a certain way to be your man. You just wastin’ precious time, baby. Instead on waiting for me to become the man of your dreams, why don’t you be with me now, and help me become that man that you want.”
Just as I was about to answer, he leaned over and kissed me in the mouth. It caught me off guard. It felt so good, so right. It felt great. Long and passionate. Before I knew it I was caught up and lying on my back, and he was on top of me.
“Wait, wait,” I stopped him.
He pulled back, suddenly emotional. “I love you, Karen,” he told me, breathing heavy. “I love you like I never loved anybody else in this whole world. And I been loving you. Every since Spanish class. ‘Memba that?”
I smiled. “Yes. You used to always copy my homework before the teacher came in.”
“I needed that class to graduate,” he told me. “Just like right now I need you in my life to live.”
My heart fluttered.
“And you know what else?” he asked me.
“What?”
“I’m gon’ make you my wife one day.”
I gasped, ready to cry. Did he really say what I think he just said? After all this time, all this praying, did he really just say that to me?
“Someday. I don’t know when, but someday. I love you girl, and I’m gon’ marry you. I promise you, your name is going to be Mrs. Terrance Thomas, and we’ll have another child. Shoot, we’ll have two or three if you want. Just don’t leave me girl.”
I grabbed him and pulled him close to me. I could feel his heart beat against my chest, and mine beat against his. They beat simultaneously. And that’s how I knew all of my dreams were about to come true.
“I love you, Terrance,” I cried softly into his ear as I hugged him. “I love you so much.”
“I need you too, baby girl,” he told me. “I need you to live,” he declared, and kissed me again.
Casting Down Imaginations Page 28