Casting Down Imaginations

by LaShanda Michelle

  I squealed, crying. I knew my face was twisting into an ugly crying face, but I didn’t care. As I looked down at this man in front of me, all I could see was the future that I dreamed about with him. The love we would share, the children we would have, the cars parked in the two car garage attached to the two story house with the white picket fence.

  “Yes,” I answered him.

  The violinist played louder as Terrance took the big diamond ring from the box and slid it onto my left ring finger. It fit perfectly. We kissed, and Terrance became so overjoyed that he picked me up in his arms and squeezed me tight.

  Others around us clapped as we gathered our things, congratulating us. Terrance left two hundred dollars on the table to pay for our food and to tip the waiter and the violinist, and we hurried home to make love.

  fifty one

  Karen

  I sat on the sofa next to Terrance with the phone pressed to my ear, nervously waiting for Mama to answer on the other end. Terrance put his hand on my knee to keep it from bouncing. It worked for only a second, my nerves getting the best of me.

  “Hi Mama,” I said when she finally answered. Terrance flashed me a reassuring smile of support.

  “Hi Karen. How are you.”

  “I’m great, Mama. I’m great. I have some news to tell you.”

  She gasped. “You pregnant?”

  “No!” I scolded. “Nobody’s pregnant!”

  Terrance laughed.

  “Oh,” Mama said, relieved. “Well, what is it, then?”

  “Terrance and I are engaged.”

  She didn’t say anything.

  “Hello? Mama, you still there?”

  “AAHHH!” she screamed. “Girl! Are you serious? You better not be playing with me!”

  “I’m serious,” I said as I pulled the phone away from my ear. She was so excited, her yelling was making it hurt.

  “What?! Where is he?” she asked. “Where is that Terrance? I wanna talk to him!”

  “He’s right here. Hold on, Mama.”

  I passed the phone to Terrance and gave him a thumbs up sign, but he already knew that Mama was thrilled. His mother had been as well when we delivered the same news to her only a few minutes ago.

  Terrance kept smiling and got on the phone. I couldn’t tell what it was she was saying to him, but the majority of the conversation consisted of him saying “yes ma’am” and “okay” and “I promise I will” over and over again. When he was finished, he said good-bye and was careful to address her as “Mother,” then he passed the phone to me.

  “Congratulations, baby,” Mama told me. “Now you know your brother is going to have a fit when I tell him this.”

  I laughed, already knowing the expression that was going to be on his face. My protective little brother wasn’t going to be too pleased.

  “But you have to tell your father.”

  I stopped laughing. “What?”

  “You heard me.”

  “I don’t wanna tell him,” I whined, getting scared. Daddy didn’t like Terrance, and he wouldn’t be happy to hear this news.

  “He’s still your father,” Mama told me. “He has a right to know.”

  “Can’t you tell him for me?”

  “I guess I could. But he’s not my daddy, and I’m not the one that’s getting married.”

  “Please?” I begged.

  “No, baby. You’re a grown woman now. Remember? Ain’t that what you told us when you decided to go live with that man?”

  I knew that was going to come back to haunt me. “Yes.”

  “Alright, then. It’s time you started acting like it. Go on and call your daddy and tell him the news.”

  I sighed, knowing that a fight was coming. But this was my doing and I had to face it sooner or later. I may as well get it over with. There was no sense in delaying the inevitable.

  I said goodbye to Mama and called Daddy on his cell phone. When he answered I could tell that he was surprised to hear from me.

  “I have something to tell you,” I said. “You may not like it, but this is it, and I want to just say it and get it over with.” I grabbed Terrance’s hand and squeezed it tight. “I’m engaged,” I finally confessed.

  There was a long pause.

  “To do what?” Daddy asked.

  I rolled my eyes. “What do you think?”

  “I know not to get married, because nobody called me and asked me for your hand in anything,” he said harshly.

  “Come on, Daddy, don’t start,” I mouthed off.

  “Well, what do you expect me to say, Karen?”

  “Why can’t you just be happy for me? Mama was.”

  “Your Mama don’t see what I see,” he said. “She’s thinking about money, and that this boy can take care of you. I’m worried if he’s gonna treat you right. If he’s gonna do right by you.”

  “He is, Daddy. Terrance and I love each other, and he makes me very happy.”

  Daddy wasn’t convinced. “Nawh, baby. It’s more to a marriage than just paying the bills.”

  “I guess you should know.”

  Daddy was quiet. All that came through the phone was a long sigh.

  “I’m still your daddy,” he told me after a minute or two had gone by. “I know I done made some mistakes, but I’m still your daddy. Don’t you forget that.”

  There was pain there. I could feel it.

  I wiped the tear that formed in my eye. “I’m sorry, Daddy.”

  “I forgive you, baby,” he told me. “I just wanna know when you’re gonna find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  I didn’t answer him.

  “Look, you grown so I guess you’re gonna do what you wanna do,” he said wearily. “I can’t say that the two of you have my blessing on this. I didn’t raise you to live this way, and you seem to be compromising a lot for this young man, and I don’t know why. You used to have high standards. You used to aim for the top. I don’t think you’re getting the best that you were holding out for. I honestly don’t. But these are decisions that you are going to have to live with. I’m not going to stress over it. I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

  I wiped the other tears that fell as Terrance put his arm around me. He didn’t know what Daddy was saying, but he knew that I was getting upset. I tried to assure him that I was fine.

  “I do, Daddy,” I answered.

  “No you don’t,” he said. “You have no clue. But I’m praying for you. And I love you,” he told me, and hung up the phone.

  “I love you, too,” I whispered to the dial tone in my ear, and gave the phone to Terrance. He hung it up and kissed my face.

  “You okay?”

  I nodded, even though I wasn’t.

  “It’s gon’ be alright.”

  “I know,” I said, and wiped the last of the tears away from my eyes.

  “Good,” he said. “You know what I feel like doing?”

  “What?”

  “I wanna make love to my fiancé. Is that alright with you?”

  I wished he wouldn’t have just said that. Daddy’s words rewound and played again in my head. I hugged my future husband. He swept me off of my feet and led me into the bedroom we shared. I stared at the diamond ring that was on my finger and convinced myself that everything would be okay in the end.

  fifty two

  Anaya

  I was leaving Prestige when Derrick ran to catch up with me in the back parking lot.

  “Where you rushing off to?” he asked me, out of breath.

  “Home. Where else?”

  “You wanna be alone, huh?”

  I tried to crack a smile. He seemed disappointed, but everyone could tell that I had been in a funk since the night Deacon showed up.

  “Yeah. Not really in the mood for anything else.”

  “You sure?”

  I nodded.

  “Come on now, girl. You been sad for the past two weeks. Why don’t you come over to my place? We can watch a couple of movies.”


  “Are you trying to get some?” I asked bluntly.

  “No,” he insisted. “You just the prettiest girl here, and I hate to see you looking so down.”

  “Alright. I guess I can come hang out wit’ you,” I said after taking a few minutes to think it over. “But the minute you try anything, I’m going straight home.”

  His smile was warming. “You have my word.”

  I followed Derrick over to his place, which was more than I assumed it would be. It was modest, nothing extravagant, but nice enough to live in nevertheless.

  “Make yourself comfortable,” he said, and tossed his keys on the coffee table. “I’m gonna go take a shower and get this club funk off of me. You hungry?”

  I took a seat on the couch and shook my head.

  “Alright. If you change your mind I got some snacks in the kitchen. Help yourself to whatever you want. The remote’s right there. Just don’t order no pay-per-view, or I’m gon’ have to put you out,” he joked.

  He scurried on into the bathroom while I, already having showered at Prestige, flipped through his random cable channels until he returned. Dressed in a pair of basketball shorts and a tank top, I couldn’t help but notice that he was fine. Too fine. He must have worked out nearly ever day. And he smelled good, too.

  “What you watching?” he asked, and sat down next to me.

  I got another whiff of his cologne. He smelled really good.

  “Nothing. Just random stuff.”

  “Good. Then you won’t miss it,” he said, and took the remote from me and turned the television off.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I didn’t invite you over here to watch TV.”

  “Oh really?”

  “No. TV is a waste of time. I wanted you to come over here so I can get to know you.”

  “Know me like how?”

  He shrugged. “Like wanting to know if you truly are okay. You just ain’t been the same since when your pops came to the club. I just wanna make sure you’re alright.”

  “You don’t know me like that,” I reminded him. “How would you know if I’m the same or not?”

  “Well, I know you used to try a hell of a lot harder to make your money. Now it’s like you ain’t even there.”

  “Is that a problem?”

  “No. You do you. I’m just tryin’ to make sure you alright.”

  I smiled at him. “I’m fine, Derrick.”

  I was flattered that he cared so much. No one else did. But I was lying to him. Every night that I had to work I got drunk, but usually when I was at home I didn’t have to. Ever since Deacon showed up though, all I did was drink. I drove to work drunk. I drove home drunk. Then I slept all day just to wake up and do it all over again.

  “So how was it?”

  “How was what?”

  “Having your dad bust up in there like that. It was pretty obvious he had no idea what you were doing.”

  I held my head down. “That’s not up for discussion.”

  He backed off the subject. “So… Where do you see yourself in five years?”

  I looked at him like he was crazy. “What?”

  He became very serious. “You’re not cut out for Prestige. Yeah, it’s better than most clubs. You got security, it’s upscale, blah, blah, blah. But it takes a certain type of woman to keep up that kind of lifestyle, and you’re not it.”

  “And what kind of woman do you think I am?”

  “I don’t know. You confuse me. On one side you’re so hard. So tough. And mean. Then there’s this one side of you that’s fragile. Vulnerable.”

  “Yeah, well… I been through stuff.”

  “We all have. But what matters is how we deal with it once we get through it.”

  I was doubtful. “What? You trying to save me or something?”

  “Yeah. You could say that.”

  “Save me from what?”

  “From being just another ho at Prestige.”

  “What? Who you calling a ho?”

  “Look, a man’s just tryin’ to be real wit’ you. When them men look at you, that’s all they see. I’m trying to save you from only seeing that in yourself.”

  I bit my lips to keep them from smiling. I think Derrick really did care about me.

  “I don’t give a damn about what other people think about me,” I said, trying to be tough.

  He laughed. “Yeah, right.”

  “I don’t,” I insisted.

  “So I guess that’s why you ran out of the club crying when your daddy busted you, huh?”

  “Don’t talk about my dad,” I warned him. “It could get nasty up in here.”

  “Alright. I’ll back off.”

  “What do you see when you look at me?”

  I surprised him. But he was honest with me.

  “I see someone who’s way more than she thinks she is. She just got caught up and somehow ended up on the wrong path. But all she has to do to become who she wants to be is get over her past, and start on her future.”

  His sensitivity made me fidget. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t know him like that. So instead I just sat there and pretended that he hadn’t said anything at all.

  He leaned over and gave me a kiss.

  “What’s that for?” I asked him.

  “You looked like you needed one.”

  “Whatever,” I smiled. “You just tryin’ to put your lips on me.”

  “Maybe. But I won’t do it again if you don’t want me to.”

  “You better not,” I said, and then kissed him.

  “What was that for?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I think I’m still drunk.”

  “What the hell? Girl, you drove over here drunk? Why didn’t you say something? I wouldn’t have let you drive like that.”

  I shrugged and leaned back on the couch, suddenly exhausted.

  “Oh, no. You’re not going anywhere tonight. I will not have something happening to you on my watch. You’re sleeping on the couch.”

  “Whatever. I can drive home,” I said, but before I knew it, I was asleep.

  fifty three

  Karen

  I woke up sweating and out of breath. I clenched my chest, wanting my heart to stop beating so fast. I didn’t know if I’d been dreaming or hearing voices, but I didn’t like whatever it was that I’d just experienced. I reached for Terrance, but he wasn’t there. Once again I was in his bed, and I was all alone.

  “Oh, God,” I whispered, trying to calm down. But I couldn’t. I was too scared.

  It was horrible. When I was asleep I saw Terrance in a vision. He was a little bit older, but he pretty much looked the same. The way he looked at me was different, though. There was no love there. It was more like distain. He hated me. In my sleep I could feel my broken heart. And I knew I was in a loveless marriage. He constantly cheated on me. And he had children with other women. The worst part of it was, I never could get pregnant by him again, no matter how hard I tried. I was openly disrespected. Everyone knew about his affairs. They were out in the open for all to see. His colleagues smiled in my face, but behind my back they laughed at me. I spent a lot of time alone because I couldn’t trust anyone. Terrance had slept with all of my friends. The only reason he wouldn’t let me divorce him was because we didn’t have a prenuptial agreement and he didn’t want to pay alimony. I was miserable.

  I shook my head as the water from my eyes flooded down my face. Was this what my future was going to look like? Would he really treat me like that? I wanted kids! I wanted a man who was going to love me and be there for me, and I wanted to be happy!

  Terrance came in just then. His face asked me what I was doing up so late, but when he realized I was crying, it immediately turned into concern.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked.

  I couldn’t even look at him. I pulled my knees into my chest and just cried. It was after two o’clock in the morning. He was supposed to be hanging out with some of his friends, but I knew it was
n’t true. It was starting already. Where had he been? What was he doing out so late? Why didn’t he call me to let me know where he was, or that he was okay? What was he doing? And with who?

  He sat down next to me and pulled me into his chest. “Is something wrong back home? Are you alright? Is everyone okay?”

  I managed to nod. “Where you been, Terrance?”

  “I told you I was with the fellas. Just playing some video games.”

  I nodded again, even though I knew he was lying. He hugged me, and I smelled perfume on him. It wasn’t mine. I cried harder.

  “What’s wrong? What has gotten into you?”

  “Do you love me, Terrance?”

  “You know that I do.”

  “No, seriously. Do you love me? Do you really want me to be your wife?”

  “Absolutely,” he smiled at me. “Is that it? Are you getting the jitters already?”

  I hugged him as tightly as I could as I continued to cry. I loved him. I loved him so much, and I didn’t want to lose him. He was my everything.

  “Everything’s gonna be alright,” he told me. “Come on. Let’s get in bed.”

  I got in bed and forced myself to stop crying. He gave me a long kiss and went into the bathroom to take a shower. He was trying to hide it, but I already knew. I loved my man with all of my heart, but he was cheating on me.

  fifty four

  Karen

  I sat on the couch with stacks of wedding magazines and fabric swatches surrounding me, feeling overwhelmed. There was so much that went into planning a wedding that I hadn’t even thought about. You needed to find a place to have it, pick out dresses, find someplace for the reception, register for gifts, find tuxedoes, make a guest list, hire a caterer… the list just went on and on and on. I was starting to think that the wedding really was more about everyone else and less about Terrance and me. I understood now why people eloped.

  Terrance walked in then, obviously exhausted from a hard workout at the gym. I stood to my feet and greeted him with a kiss, then went into the kitchen and fixed him a plate of food from the dinner I’d already made. I’d found a way to fit cooking and cleaning into my schedule every day since he’d blown up at me about it, no matter how much studying I needed to get done. Even when he didn’t come home, there was food here waiting on him.