TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS
Procure some strips of beef, and having cut them into the smallest possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller, eight or perhaps nine times.
When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon or a soup-ladle.
Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,—say the roof of the house if free from sparrows or other birds,—and leave it there for about a week.
At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use.
Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean tablecloth or dinner-napkin.
TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES
Take a Pig, three or four years of age, and tie him by the off-hind leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and six bushels of turnips, within his reach; if he eats these, constantly provide him with more.
Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, four quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.
When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the Pig violently, with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.
Visit the paste and beat the Pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if at the end of that period the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties.
If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the Pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.
NONSENSE BOTANY
Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia
Smalltoothcombia Domestica
Bluebottlia Buzztilentia
Pollybirdia Singularis
Phattfacia Stupenda
Plumbunnia Nutritiosa
Manypeeplia Upsidownia
Guittara Pensilis
Cockatooca Superba
Baccopipia Gracilis
Fishia Marina
Piggiawiggia Pyramidalis
NONSENSE ALPHABETS
A
A was an ant
Who seldom stood still
And who made a nice house
In the side of a hill.
a!
Nice little Ant!
B
B was a book
With a binding of blue
And pictures and stories
For me and for you.
b!
Nice little Book.
C
C was a cat,
Who ran after a rat
But his courage did fail
When she seized on his tail.
c!
Crafty old Cat!
D
D was a duck
With spots on his back
Who lived in the water
And always said, quack!
d!
Dear little Duck!
E
E was an elephant,
Stately and wise;
He had tusks and a trunk,
And two queer little eyes.
e!
O what funny small eyes!
F
F was a fish,
Who was caught in a net,
But he got out again,
And is quite alive yet.
f!
Lively young Fish!
G
G was a goat
Who was spotted with brown
When he did not lie still,
He walked up and down.
g!
Good little Goat!
H
H was a hat
Which was all on one side,
Its crown was too high
And its brim was too wide.
h!
O! what a Hat!
I
I was some ice
So white and so nice
But which nobody tasted,
And so it was wasted.
i!
All that good Ice!
J
J was a jack-daw
Who hopped up and down
In the principal street
Of a neighbouring town.
j!
All through the town!
K
K was a kite
Which flew out of sight
Above houses so high
Quite into the sky.
k!
Fly away, Kite!
L
L was a light
Which burned all the night
And lighted the gloom,
Of a very dark room.
l!
Useful nice light!
M
M was a mill
Which stood on a hill
And turned round and round
With a loud hummy sound.
m!
useful old Mill!
N
N was a net,
Which was thrown in the sea,
To catch fish for dinner
For you and for me.
n!
Nice little Net!
O
O was an orange
So yellow and round;
When it fell off the tree,
It fell down to the ground
o!
Down to the ground!
P
P was a pig
Who was not very big
But his tail was too curly,
And that made him surly.
p!
Cross little Pig!
Q
Q was a quail,
With a very short tail
And he fed upon corn
In the evening and morn.
q!
Quaint little Quail.
R
R was a rabbit
Who had a bad habit
Of eating the flowers
In gardens and bowers.
r!
Naughty fat Rabbit!
S
S was the sugar-tongs
Nippity-nee,
To take up the sugar
To put in our tea.
s!
Nippity nee!
T
T was a tortoise
All yellow and black;
He walked slowly away,
And he never came back.
t!
Torty never came back!
U
U was an urn
All polished and bright
And full of hot water
At noon and at night.
u!
Useful old urn!
V
V was a villa
Which stood on a hill
By the side of a river
And close to a mill.
v!
Nice little Villa!
W
W was a whale
With a very long tail
Whose movements were frantic
Across the Atlantic.
w!
Monstrous old Whale!
X
X was King Xerxes,
Who more than all Turks is
Renown’d for his fashion
Of fury and passion.
x!
Angry old Xerxes!
Y
Y was a yew,
Which flourished and grew,
By a quiet abode
Near the side of a road.
y!
Dark little Yew!
Z
Z was some zinc
So shiny and bright,
Which caused you to wink
In the sun’s merry light.
z!
Beautiful Zinc!
A
a
A was once an apple-pie,
Pidy
Widy
Tidy
Pidy
N
ice insidy
Apple-Pie.
B
b
B was once a little bear,
Beary!
Wary!
Hairy!
Beary!
Taky cary!
Little Bear!
C
c
C was once a little cake,
Caky,
Baky
Maky
Caky,
Taky Caky,
Little Cake!
D
d
D was once a little doll,
Dolly,
Molly,
Polly
Nolly,
Nursy Dolly,
Little Doll!
E
e
E was once a little eel,
Eely
Weely
Peely
Eely
Twirly, Tweely
Little Eel!
F
f
F was once a little fish
Fishy
Wish
Squishy
Fishy
In a Dishy
Little Fish!
G
g
G was once a little goose,
Goosy
Moosy
Boosey
Goosey
Waddly-woosy
Little Goose!
H
h
H was once a little hen,
Henny
Chenny
Tenny
Henny
Eggsy-any
Little Hen?
I
i
I was once a bottle of ink,
Inky
Dinky
Thinky
Inky,
Blacky Minky
Bottle of Ink!
J
j
J was once a jar of jam,
Jammy,
Mammy,
Clammy,
Jammy,
Sweety—Swammy,
Jar of Jam!
K
k
K was once a little kite,
Kity
Whity
Flighty
Kity
Out of Sighty—
Little Kite!
L
l
L was once a little lark,
Larky!
Marky!
Harky!
Larky!
In the Parky,
Little Lark!
M
m
M was once a little mouse,
Mousey
Bousey
Sousy
Mousy,
In the Housy
Little Mouse!
N
n
N was once a little needle,
Needly
Tweedly
Threedly
Needly
Wisky—wheedly
Little Needle!
O
o
O was once a little owl,
Owly,
Prowly,
Howly
Owly
Browny fowly
Little Owl!
P
p
P was once a little pump,
Pumpy
Slumpy
Flumpy
Pumpy
Dumpy, Thumpy
Little Pump!
Q
q
Q was once a little quail,
Quaily
Faily
Daily
Quaily
Stumpy-taily
Little Quail!
R
r
R was once a little rose,
Rosy
Posy
Nosy
Rosy
Blows-y—grows-y
Little Rose!
S
s
S was once a little shrimp
Shrimpy
Nimpy
Flimpy
Shrimpy
Jumpy—jimpy
Little Shrimp!
T
t
T was once a little thrush,
Thrushy!
Hushy!
Bushy!
Thrushy!
Flitty—Flushy—
Little Thrush!
U
u
U was once a little urn,
Urny
Burny
Turny
Urny,
Bubbly—burny,
Little Urn.
V
v
V was once a little vine,
Viny
Winy
Twiny
Viny
Twisty-twiny
Little Vine!
W
w
W was once a whale,
Whaly
Scaly
Shaly
Whaly
Tumbly-taily
Mighty Whale!
X
x
X was once a great king Xerxes,
Xerxy
Perxy
Turxy
Xerxy
Linxy Lurxy
Great King Xerxes!
Y
y
Y was once a little yew,
Yewdy,
Fewdy
Crudy
Yewdy
Growdy, grewdy,
Little Yew!
Z
z
Z was once a piece of zinc
Tinky
Winky
Blinky
Tinky
Tinkly Minky
Piece of Zinc!
A
A was an ape,
Who stole some white tape
And tied up his toes
In four beautiful bows.
a!
Funny old Ape!
B
B was a bat,
Who slept all the day,
And fluttered about,
When the sun went away.
b!
Brown little bat!
C
C was a camel,
You rode on his hump,
And if you fell off,
You come down such a bump!
c!
What a high Camel!
D
D was a dove
Who lived in a wood
With such pretty soft wings,
And so gentle and good.
d!
Dear little Dove!
E
E was an eagle
Who sate on the rocks
And looked down on the fields
And the far away flocks.
e!
Beautiful Eagle!
F
F was a fan
Made of beautiful stuff
And when it was used
It went—Puffy-puff-puff!
f!
Nice little fan.
G
G was a gooseberry
Perfectly red;
To be made into jam
And eaten with bread.
g!
Gooseberry red!
H
H was a heron
Who stood in a stream
The length of his neck
And his legs, was extreme
h!
Long-legged Heron!
I
I was an inkstand
Which stood on a table
With a nice pen to write with,
When we are able!
i!
The Complete Nonsense of Edward Lear Page 8