Claire winced. She had completely forgotten to let Alex know she was heading for the hills. Her head was all over the place, but that was no excuse for rudeness.
‘I was hoping we could hang out again,’ he went on. ‘Was it something I said?’
Alex was joking, but Claire realised it kind of was something he had said. At breakfast on Saturday he had told her, You were Scotty’s girl – everybody knew that. Nina’s revelation about the timing of Scotty’s proposal may have been the catalyst for her bush sabbatical, but Alex’s offhand remark had stirred something in Claire – something long buried. She saw now that she had been thinking of herself as Scotty’s girl for years, even though they weren’t together, whether she deserved to or not. She’d expected Scotty to miraculously know that she might want him back some day – and to just wait patiently until that day arrived, no questions asked.
‘Hey, Alex, on Saturday you said you wanted to be honest so that there were no misunderstandings,’ Claire said. ‘Can I do the same?’
Alex nodded. ‘Yeah,’ he said slowly.
‘I think you’re lovely, but I don’t think there’s a future for us. I’m really sorry.’
His face fell. ‘Oh. Okay,’ he said. ‘Can I ask why? Is it because I was such a jerk in school? You can’t forgive me?’
‘No! Alex, no, it’s not about that at all,’ Claire said, squeezing the hand that still held hers.
She thought about giving him the easy answer. I live in Sydney, you live here, our lives are too different, it would never work, et cetera, et cetera. It would be a plausible excuse to hide behind. But Alex had been honest about his feelings for Claire. She knew he deserved the same from her.
She took a deep breath. ‘It is about the past, though,’ she said. ‘Specifically, my total inability to let go of it. I thought I had, or I never would have gone out with you, but recent events have shown me that I’ve been kidding myself.’
Comprehension settled on Alex’s face. ‘Oh,’ he said again. His gaze drifted across the crowd to Nina. ‘This must be really tough for you then.’
Claire wanted to hug him. It was such a kind thing to say. Alex was a truly decent man. She wished she could make herself fall for him. For what felt like the hundredth time that day, she cursed her stubborn heart.
‘It’s been an experience,’ she said with a hollow laugh. ‘But I’m figuring some stuff out. I am really sorry if I led you on.’
His smile returned. ‘Don’t sweat it. I got to tick “go on a date with Claire Thorne” off my bucket list, so I’m all good. And I do appreciate you telling me where you’re at.’
This time she did hug him.
‘Hey,’ Alex said when she released him. ‘If it wouldn’t be too weird, do you still want to go to the wedding together? I hate going stag to those things and, correct me if I’m wrong, but maybe you could use some moral support?’
Claire considered the offer. She was still determined to go to the wedding. It would be gut-wrenching to watch Scotty promise to love someone who wasn’t her for the rest of his life, but she knew she needed to see it. Her brain knew Scotty was lost to her, but her heart still wouldn’t believe it without incontrovertible proof. She needed that thing her American college friends always talked about: closure.
Would it be so bad if she had her emotional catharsis in the company of an attractive man who looked great in a suit?
‘I would love that, Alex,’ Claire said. ‘Thank you.’
‘Cool. I’ll pick you up from your aunt’s place at five. I’m going to grab a drink. Can I get you something?’
‘Maybe later,’ she said. ‘I’m going to go say hi to a few people.’
Alex gave her shoulder a final reassuring squeeze and disappeared into the crowd. Claire did want a drink. She needed something to calm the jittery feeling in her stomach, but she also wanted to keep a clear head. She had to talk to Scotty. It was difficult enough keeping her wits about her when she was in his presence without alcohol clouding her thoughts.
Claire weaved through the sea of faces she knew so well, smiling and waving at people she’d known all her life, people who had welcomed her back to Bindallarah when she feared they would cast her off. The sense of familiarity was comforting, not oppressive as Claire had once felt. Tonight, this community felt like her safety net, a security blanket that had wrapped her up before and would again if things fell apart.
When things fell apart.
Finally, when Claire had walked what seemed like the length of the beach, she saw Scotty. He was walking away from his party, heading towards the path that led through the dunes with his head down and his hands in his pockets.
‘Scotty!’ she called, but he didn’t seem to hear her over the pounding of the waves against the shore. Either that or he just didn’t want to talk to her.
But she wanted to clear the air between them – to tell him she knew he hadn’t been truthful about the timing of his engagement to Nina, and that she understood why. She broke into a jog and followed, catching up to him as he was halfway up the sandy path to the car park. It was quiet here, sheltered. The sound of the party receded behind the towering sandhills.
‘Scotty, wait,’ Claire called again.
This time he turned around and she was relieved to see he wasn’t wearing high heels or comedy breasts or whatever else grooms were commonly forced to don at bucks’ parties. In fact, Scotty was casually gorgeous in dark-blue jeans and a fitted button-down shirt.
But when Claire’s gaze alighted on his face, she gasped. Maybe it was the long shadows cast by the full moon or the dim artificial light that extended from the car park, but Scotty looked awful. His eyes were dull and his face unshaven. He seemed to have aged ten years since Claire’s last glimpse of him on Saturday morning.
When he realised it was her, Scotty closed his eyes and blew out a long breath. Claire heard him whisper something. She couldn’t be certain, but it sounded like Thank God.
It seemed like hours passed before he opened his eyes again. ‘I thought you’d gone,’ Scotty said flatly.
Claire felt herself deflate. He didn’t want anything to do with her. This was going to be harder than she’d imagined.
‘Nope, still here,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry, Scotty. I know you don’t want to see me, but I just need to —’
‘No, I mean I thought you’d left. I was worried that you’d left,’ he cut in. ‘Nobody’s heard from you in days.’
‘Oh . . .’ She wasn’t sure how to respond. She thought Scotty wanted her out of his life – now it sounded like he was chastising her for not keeping him properly informed. ‘I went camping. I sent you a message.’
‘One message,’ he spat, ‘that didn’t tell me where you were or who you were with. I thought something had happened to you. I’ve been going out of my mind, Claire.’
Claire gritted her teeth and fought to damp down the irritation that sparked inside her. What do you care where I go? she wanted to shout. You’re about to get married, and you’ve been lying to me all along.
Instead she said, ‘Where are you going? The party’s this way.’ She attempted a smile as she jerked her thumb over her shoulder.
‘I’m going into town to get more drinks,’ Scotty replied. Then his shoulders sagged and he sighed. ‘Actually, that’s not true. Chris offered to go, but I said I would because I needed an excuse to get out of there.’
At once, the prickly feeling in her stomach was washed away by concern. ‘Why?’ Instinctively, she took a step towards him. ‘Scotty, are you okay? What’s going on?’
He looked at her then. Really looked at her, his gaze asking a question she couldn’t comprehend. ‘I lied to you.’
‘I know.’
She heard his sharp intake of breath. ‘You know? How?’
Claire looked down at her feet, at the sand covering her toes. The fine white powder was cold despite the warmth of the evening and Claire wished she’d worn shoes. She felt chilled to the bone.
‘Nina
told me,’ she said. When Scotty tipped his head back and looked to the sky she rushed to add, ‘She didn’t mean to. I put two and two together and figured out that you proposed to her after we went out that night – after you’d already told me you were engaged.’
His gaze returned to her. ‘And?’
Claire squared her shoulders. This was it. ‘And it’s okay,’ she said. ‘I understand why you did it.’
Scotty studied her for a long moment. ‘I don’t think you do,’ he said.
‘I know you were trying to spare my feelings, Scotty. You were worried I’d read something deeper into our friendship – something that isn’t there – and you knew that Nina’s the one for you, so you jumped the gun in telling me the news.’ She shrugged. ‘It’s quite sweet in a ham-fisted kind of way. I do appreciate you looking out for me and I’m sorry I’ve been such a nightmare.’
There. She had said her piece. Leaving out the inconvenient I’m-still-in-love-with-you part, obviously, but that was her own sorry mess to untangle. The most important things were apologising for her meddling and trying to salvage some semblance of a friendship with Scotty. She would figure out the rest later. What was it they said in those twelve-step programs – the first step is admitting you have a problem?
Scotty’s mouth hung open. He looked at Claire like he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
‘You think I lied because I was trying to do the right thing by you?’ he said. ‘Trying to do you a favour?’
Claire arched an eyebrow. ‘Weren’t you?’
‘No! I was trying to . . .’ Scotty faltered and looked to the heavens once more. It was as if he was hoping the stars would spell out the words he was looking for. ‘Did you?’
‘Did I what?’
‘Did you’ – he made air quotes with his fingers – ‘“read something deeper into our friendship?” Did you think we were going to be more than friends?’
She bit her lip. ‘I don’t think I realised it at the time, but . . . yes. There was probably a part of me that hoped there might still be a chance for us.’
Scotty groaned. It was a raw, primal sound and it shook Claire to her core.
‘But I don’t feel that way now,’ she said, reaching it out to him, pressing her palm to his chest. ‘I promise.’ It wasn’t technically a lie. She loved him, but she had finally stopped kidding herself that there was any hope for them.
‘Then what are you doing here, Claire?’
An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of Claire’s stomach. ‘What?’
‘Why are you here? In Bindy? You told me on Saturday night that you came back to try to convince me to cancel my wedding, but I am going to marry Nina on Christmas Eve,’ he said with heat in his voice.
‘I know that,’ she said meekly.
‘Have you changed your mind then? Or do you still think it’s a bad idea for me and Nina to get married?’
She hesitated, then nodded. Knowing that her feelings for Scotty were the real reason she didn’t want him to tie the knot in four days’ time didn’t change the fact that marrying a woman he knew virtually nothing about was, empirically speaking, completely insane.
‘So if you’re not sticking around so that you can support me on my wedding day, then what is it?’ he demanded.
Claire turned her head and peered into the darkness. She felt helpless. ‘What do you want me to say, Scotty?’
‘I just want you to be honest with me. With yourself,’ he said, his voice rising with every word. ‘You say you hoped there was a chance for us. Why didn’t you do something about it? You tracked me down, remember? You had months before I met Nina to make a decision about us. But you didn’t.’
He took a step back and Claire’s hand, still pressed to his chest, fell away. ‘You don’t want me, Claire. You’ve made that clear, over and over again,’ he said. ‘And I can’t keep waiting and hoping that you might change your mind. I’m not going to keep putting my heart on the line for you to stomp all over it.’
Claire reeled. Scotty’s words were like a physical blow. She had no idea, not a clue that he felt that way.
You had months to make a decision about us.
All that time they’d spent reconnecting – time Claire had spent convincing herself she wasn’t falling in love with him again – Scotty was just waiting for her to want him.
She had thought it impossible that Scotty could still have feelings for her after the way she had broken his heart eight years earlier. Everything that had happened since she’d come back to Bindallarah Claire had tried to see through his eyes – the eyes of a man who’d stopped loving her long ago. But now she saw that he hadn’t stopped loving her back then. Incredibly, he had held her in his heart through all the years of silence, in the hope that she would find her way back to him.
Every time they’d swapped silly messages, she suddenly understood that, in his own way, Scotty was asking her the same question: Will you love me again? But Claire hadn’t answered him. She’d been afraid to tell him what she wanted, afraid even to admit it to herself.
She had been paralysed by indecision, by the fear of making the wrong move – and so, in the end, doing nothing had become a decision in itself.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she whispered.
‘Because, as you pointed out just the other night, I have a bad habit of confusing what I want with what you want. I didn’t want to make that mistake again.’ He laughed and it was a desolate sound. ‘So I guess I just made a whole lot of different mistakes instead.’
Claire felt wretched. If only Scotty knew how desperately she did want him, how having lost him was eating her up inside. She had emerged from her hideaway at Thorne Hill determined to let him go, but now she opened her mouth to tell Scotty that she loved him, that she hadn’t stopped in thirteen years and she never would.
But the words wouldn’t come. Tears came instead, rolling down her face like plump summer raindrops.
Claire’s own inaction had driven Scotty into Nina’s arms. He wasn’t asking her to confess her feelings now. He was telling her she was too late. He might have still loved her six months ago, but since then Claire had done everything in her power to obliterate those feelings. Her eleventh-hour declaration of undying love would make no difference.
Scotty watched her cry, his face stony. He made no move to comfort her.
‘I didn’t know,’ she managed to choke out at length. ‘I’m so sorry, Scotty. I just didn’t know.’
As Claire turned and walked sadly back to the beach, she thought she heard Scotty call her name, but it was consumed by the sound of the waves and her own ragged sobs.
It was all too late.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Nina found him pacing the car park a few minutes later.
‘Hey,’ she called out. ‘Everything okay?’
Scotty looked up to see his fiancée gliding towards him, her brightly coloured dress billowing around her like a cloud. God, she was a stunning woman. He knew every bloke in town thought so. Why couldn’t he fall in love with her? Why didn’t the sight of Nina wearing a beautiful dress in the moonlight have the same effect on his body as the sight of Claire in hospital scrubs in a veterinary supply cupboard?
‘I saw Claire head up this way,’ she said as if she were reading his mind. She reached out and squeezed his arm. ‘And then I saw her a few minutes ago, walking down the beach in tears.’
Shame sat like a heavy stone in Scotty’s gut. He’d promised himself he would tell Claire the truth tonight. Instead he’d yelled at her and made her feel once again that everything was her fault. He was a coward.
‘I didn’t tell her,’ he said.
Nina tried unsuccessfully to conceal her dismay. ‘Oh, Scotty. Why not?’
He shook his head. Why not? He’d had plenty of opportunity, not just a few minutes ago, but for the past two weeks. He’d even started to come clean just now, but when he admitted he’d lied and Claire said she already knew, he’d been knocked off his axis.
Then she’d revealed that what she knew was only the tip of an iceberg of deception, and he just couldn’t bring himself to disabuse her of the belief that he was still a good guy. Talk about clutching at straws.
It had been like a punch to the throat, Claire saying she understood why he’d told her he was engaged when he wasn’t. All the air just went out of him. She thought he was trying to protect her, when the whole time he’d thought only of protecting himself, of getting what he wanted no matter what it took.
What he wanted was her. Claire Thorne. She was complicated and mercurial, she excited and infuriated him in equal measure, and she’d had his heart since he was sixteen years old.
Except she didn’t know it – Scotty’s clumsy manoeuvring had made sure of that.
‘She knows we got engaged after I saw her in Sydney,’ he told Nina.
‘Aha,’ she replied. ‘So I did put my foot in my mouth when we spoke at the studio. I’m so sorry, sweetie.’
‘It’s not your fault, Nina. All of this is my doing.’
‘So just tell her the rest of it. Before it’s too late. Not telling Claire the whole story is only going to make things worse,’ she said.
Scotty shook his head. ‘I can’t. Maybe if I’d been honest from the start, she might have understood. But not now. I know her – she’ll never forgive me.’
It’s already too late.
‘Then . . .’ Nina used her index finger to turn Scotty’s head towards her. She looked him directly in the eye. ‘We should call off the wedding.’
‘What? No!’ he said. ‘Nina, I would never do that to you.’
She pressed her hand to his cheek. ‘Scotty, you’re a good man and an incredible friend,’ she said softly. ‘But you’re getting nothing out of this and you stand to lose so much.’
‘That’s not true.’
Nina smiled. ‘Which part?’
‘Anyway, the wedding is in four days. Everything is arranged.’ Thanks to Claire. ‘We can’t cancel now.’
‘We can’t cancel the event,’ Nina said pointedly. ‘But we still have two weeks after that to decide if we’re going to get married.’
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