“Yes, you’re right. They are very fragile and that is why love is so important. But on a more practical note, if we want to stay alive, then we should get the hell out of Germany. I suppose my sister told you I am a coward. She was right. I don’t like to fight. In fact, when I was a boy and someone would pick a fight with me, I would run away. I am not proud of it. I was picked on and bullied, but Alina—Adelheid, I suppose I should get used to calling you Adelheid—I hate pain, I hate violence, and I am not a hero. But I care for you and I want to protect you if I can. But I can’t do that here in Germany. I can’t face the Nazi Party and fight them the way Lotti and Lev are trying to do. And yes, you have papers now and that makes things a little better. But sometimes I lay in bed and think that in the morning when we wake up we will not know if someone has betrayed us. Every day we walk a tightrope. Every minute of every day I live with the fear that we might both be murdered, or be arrested. Or I will be drafted and sent to fight. I can’t bear the uncertainty. I am ashamed. But I am not the man I wish I was.”
“Johan.” She whispered his name. His eyes were glassed over with unshed tears. “It’s alright. You have already proven that you are a hero to me. You risked your life to have these papers made for me. You are living with a Jewish woman, that takes courage….”
He kissed her gently. “I wish I could marry you and make you love me. I know that if things were different in the world I could do it, I could love you enough to make you love me back,” he said, and he was beginning to believe it was true.
If he had the chance, maybe he would give up his freedom for this woman with a background so different from his.
“Oh, Johan. I can’t say that I won’t ever return your love or even that I don’t love you now. All I can say is that I am so lost and confused. Far too confused to know my own true feelings. Do you understand? Can you understand?”
“Of course. Of course I understand.”
“Johan, where would we go? If we can get out, where would we go?”
“I don’t know yet. I will look into it. I want to get as far away from here as we can.”
“Oh Johan, my family…”
He took her hand and led her to the sofa. “Sit down, there is something you should know.”
She sat beside him, wrinkling the skirt of her dress in her fist as she listened. “Go on please, tell me.”
“I didn’t want to tell you this. I didn’t know if I should. I wanted to whisk you away without telling you anything bad. But I suppose I have to. It’s only right.”
“Johan? What is it? Is it my parents?”
“Lev has been arrested. Lotti called last night. She was in hysterics. She is planning to join some crazy group of Gentile women who are married to Jewish men. They are going to protest and try to get their husbands released. She’ll probably get herself killed. And, God knows what will happen to Lev.”
“I have to go to her. Lotti is my best friend. She needs me. Lev has been like a brother to me. I can’t go anywhere except back to Berlin right now.”
Johan took her small shoulders in his hands and turned her so he could look deeply into her eyes. “You can’t go anywhere near Lotti. You shouldn’t even call her. Who knows, the Gestapo might be tracing calls. Lotti is putting herself in the spotlight. I told her that she was making a big mistake, but she won’t listen to me. Plenty of Gentiles are being arrested. She is not safe. Even though she says she doesn’t care, the truth is that she is risking her life. She said she will fight for Lev no matter what. If they arrest or kill her, then so be it, she says. Lotti said she will not stop until they release her husband. You are Jewish. Yes, you have papers and that is a good thing, but there are people in Berlin who still know who you are. There is a reward for reporting Jews who are involved in relationships with Gentiles. No one is safe. Your old friends and neighbors can no longer be trusted. Believe me, if we went back to Berlin to see Lotti, someone would turn you in and the Gestapo would pick you up in a matter of hours. You might go to prison or even be murdered on the spot. I care too much for you, Alina. Just do as I say. We need to get out of Germany as quickly as possible.”
Her hands were cold and shaking. He took them in his, then held the palms up to his lips and kissed them. “Please, Alina….”
“Johan, you might as well tell me. I am sure you have somewhere in mind for us to go or you wouldn’t have brought this up. Please just tell me what you have in mind.”
“You know me so well. Yes, I do have somewhere in mind. It’s far, Alina, very far. And that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Go on…”
He cleared his throat. “I have found a sponsor, someone who will sponsor us to get into America.”
“What?” Her voice was shrill. “That’s the other side of the world. My family is here. Lotti and Lev are here. When Lev is free, he will go back home to Lotti.”
“Yes, that is if he is ever freed. My sister is a fighter. Who knows where that will lead her? I can’t say. For her sake, I hope it doesn’t get her killed. But, I know Lotti and I can’t stop her. She’s always been headstrong. She’ll take on the entire Nazi Party regardless of the consequences.”
“How can we go away and leave everyone and everything we know? America, for God’s sake? We don’t know the language. Johan? Besides, it will cost a lot of money to live in America.”
Johan pursed his lips. “We’ll manage. We have to. This is dire, Alina. If we stay in Germany, we might not live through this. Besides, I have the money,” he said, his voice soft … a monotone.
Alina cocked her head and looked at him, a question in her eyes. “You do? Where did you get it?”
“There are things you don’t know about me, Alina. Things that even Lotti doesn’t know.”
“And ... do you plan to tell me?”
“Not now, it will only complicate things. I will tell you when we get to America.”
“Johan, that’s not fair. You want me to leave my home, the only home I have ever known, and you are going to keep secrets from me? I have so many questions, Johan. Who is our sponsor? How did you find a sponsor to get us into the United States? And where did you get all of this money? If you won’t tell me, I won’t go.”
“Alina, please, just this once, don’t ask questions, just do as I ask. I’ll tell you everything when we get out of Germany. For right now, just please trust me. The less you know, the better.”
She wrapped her arms around her chest and shook her head. “I don’t know what to do. What if Gilde needs me? It would be hard enough to get to Britain from here, let alone from across the ocean.”
“You wouldn’t be able to get to Gilde anyway. You can’t get into Britain. We are at war with them, do you think that they are just going to let you in? Don’t be a fool, Alina. Besides, if you did have to get to Britain, you’d have a far better chance getting there from America than from Germany. Come with me. We’ll come back here to Germany, after the war. It can’t last long. Once it’s over it will be safe for us to be here. Then we can find your sister, my sister and Lev, and both of your parents. Right now, the best thing to do is to get the hell out of Germany while we can. We are lucky, very lucky to have this opportunity to leave. Many people would give everything they own to get out.”
“But what if Gilde needs me? What if she writes to me asking for my help? I won’t be able to help her. What about my mother and father? What will happen when they come back and I am not there, they won’t know what to do, where to find me.” Alina felt her shoulders slump; she knew he was right. All of her questions and concerns were meaningless. The truth was that she and Johan were powerless … caught in the winds of a tornado that was growing larger every day. There was nothing they could do for their loved ones, and every moment that they stayed in Germany they were risking their own lives. If she had any hope of survival, or any dreams of living long enough to go to a university, she must get out of Germany.
He walked over to her and put his arms around h
er. Johan didn’t want to share his thoughts with Alina because he didn’t want to scare her. But in truth he wasn’t sure that Alina’s family would ever return safely. For all they both knew her entire family might already have perished. He was sure that deep in her heart, Alina had wondered the same thing. But she wanted to believe that by some miracle, they were all going to be fine and someday they would be reunited, and he didn’t want to strip that hope from her. Yet, he knew without question that there was no time to lose. As soon as they were able, they must leave Germany. Gently he patted her back, trying to soothe her. “Alina, come with me … please,” he said.
She was shaking her head as if she could somehow shake out the confusion. “This is madness. Moving in with you was difficult enough. I can’t believe this is really happening to me. I can’t make sense of it. It feels like a nightmare and I can’t wake up. I don’t know where my parents are, my sister is growing up without me. And, now I am living with a man who is not my husband. All of this was hard enough to swallow, but now you want me to go with you to America? To America, Johan. I don’t know how I will get along in that foreign country. I don’t speak English. It is English that they speak, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is. I want to take you with me to safety. We’ll learn the language together. I’ll work hard and we’ll be safe. We’ll get married. Legally. I’ll make you happy. And we’ll only stay there until after the war is over. Then we’ll come home. Please, Alina.”
“We’ll come home if Hitler is defeated. If not?”
“If not, we will thank God that we’re not here in Germany.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”
“Alina, there is no choice. You are not safe here. That’s all there is to it. Now, look at me. Look into my eyes.” She did as he asked. “I love you.” His voice was hoarse. “This is the only way. You have to believe me.”
His eyes were wet with tears and she knew that he was right.
“As soon as you say the word, I will make all of the arrangements. I want to get this thing started because we will have to wait until our visas come through. It will take time. And, the sooner we can go the better.”
“Are we going to tell Lev and Lotti?”
“We can’t tell anyone. Not yet. It’s too dangerous. Just tell me that you will go with me? I need a promise from you now so I can take care of the details.”
Alina shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Alina, my sweet innocent Alina, I wish I had some kind of magic to make all of this go away, but I don’t. And all I can say is this might be the only way that we can survive this madness.” He took her in his arms and gently kissed her. “I wish I could tell you to take your time, to think it over, to make a decision, but ... we don’t have a lot of time. I need to know by morning.”
She felt tears well up in her eyes. If she went with Johan she would be leaving Germany and all connections to everyone she loved. But, if she stayed, Johan would be drafted and then she’d be alone. All alone, praying every day that her true identity would not be discovered in Munich. That by some random act of chance she might not be recognized. Because lying and hiding her Jewish background would mean certain death.
Johan gently brushed the hair out of her eyes and ran his fingers softly down her cheek. “I love you, Alina. That’s not something I would say to just anyone. In fact, I’ve never said it before in my life. I give you my promise that I will do everything I can to take care of you. Come with me to America,” he said, and every time he realized that he meant it, the realization shocked him. Johan was in love.
Her shoulders dropped and she felt herself surrender into his arms. He kissed her again, and then led her to his bedroom.
She was trembling so hard that she felt she might fall down. Johan helped her to sit down on the bed. “I would marry you right now if I could. If the law would allow us to marry.”
“I know,” she said. Her voice was small. She was confused. She liked Johan well enough, but she hadn’t had time to know if she truly loved him. There was no doubt that she was dependent upon him. Without him, she was a Jew alone in a hostile country.
“I want to make love to you,” he said. “Do you want me to?”
She looked directly at him.. “I think so.”
Johan believed that if he could seduce her, he might be able to make her fall in love with him.
“Johan…”
“Yes, my love?”
Alina cleared her throat. “I’m a virgin.”
“I know,” he said. “I will never lose respect for you. And I swear that as soon as we are in America you will be my wife. Do you believe me?”
She nodded, but her eyes stung with the tears she was holding back. This was not the way her first time was supposed to be. .
“Do you trust me?” he asked.
“Yes, Johan. I do.”
She was shy as Johan removed her clothing. But he was gentle and considerate, and once it was over, she felt close enough to him to do what she knew she must do. Leave the country.
Her voice was barely above a whisper in the darkness as she lay naked in his arms. “I’ll go with you,” she said.
“And … will you marry me as soon as we get to America?”
“Yes.”
After Alina fell asleep, Johan got out of bed and poured himself a glass of water. He gazed out the window and thought about all the secrets he was keeping from everyone, even Alina. But what could he do? He had no other choice. Things were going downhill fast in Germany. If he stayed he’d be sucked into the army and only God knows what would happen to Alina. In light of the circumstances , he was doing the best thing for them both.
Chapter 14
Taavi
When Taavi married Michal he’d been the kind of man who kept to himself. He’d adored her from the first time he saw her, but opening up and understanding her had been a slow process. And as Taavi came to know and trust his wife, he’d opened his heart and almost all of the secrets inside to her. Almost. The only secret he’d kept to himself was the one that shamed him the most. He’d never told her the whole truth about his parents. His father had sworn him to secrecy as a boy. He’d made Taavi promise never to tell anyone about his mother’s illness. “If anyone finds out about your mother, they will look at you as if you too have the same problem. You will never be accepted, you will spend your life on the outskirts of society. People will say that if your mother was insane then you must have some of her insanity in your blood,” his father would tell him. And, Taavi believed.
As a child, Taavi was sometimes afraid of his mother. She would descend into fits of madness; sometimes she would throw things or scream and cry. Other times she would lie in bed refusing to eat or speak to anyone for several days. When Taavi was just a child, he would watch her through the door of her room, wishing he could crawl up into her bed and lie beside her, and make things better. But his father warned him that when he was at work, Taavi was to stay away from his mother. “She cannot be trusted, Tavala,” his father said, calling him by his pet name. “She would not hurt you on purpose. But sometimes she doesn’t know what she’s doing. It’s best if you stay in your room when I am not at home,” Taavi’s father said. Then when Taavi got a little older and he could understand, his father told him that his mother had lost her mind following a miscarriage a year after Taavi was born. His father explained that she’d had the miscarriage, lost a baby in the eighth month of her pregnancy, right on the kitchen floor. The child was another boy. He was born dead. His mother blamed herself, because the night prior to the miscarriage she and Taavi’s father had been arguing. During the argument, she’d said that she was sick and tired of being pregnant and uncomfortable. She’d blamed Taavi’s father for not only her discomfort but for ruining her figure. She’d been an undeniable beauty in her youth, sought after by many men. Tavvi’s father had gone to see his mother’s father to offer a proposal. Without her father’s approval the marriage w
ould not take place. It was an intense moment for Taavi’s father. But then his future father in law agreed. And Tavvi’s father had been elated. He’d married the prettiest girl in the village. But with her beauty came selfishness and vanity. After giving birth to Taavi, she’d declared she didn’t want any more children. And so when she got pregnant again she was depressed and angry. The fight ensued, followed by the miscarriage. Taavi’s mother was sure she had brought the wrath of God upon herself for being so ungrateful for his blessing.
She’d bled profusely and almost died. But it wasn’t until Taavi was much older and his father was very ill and knew he was dying that his father finally told him what had caused his mother’s insanity.
“I knew the day would come when I would have to tell you the truth,” his father said. “You deserve to know. She was your mother after all.” His father had been coughing up blood and grew more tired every day. “I am dying, Taavi. Before I go, I must tell you.”
He explained that his mother had been having an affair with a young farmhand who lived about a mile from their house. “I knew it. Believe me, in a village as small as ours, news travels. People told me. You know how people can be, they are always ready to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong. Yes, I knew. But I loved her, and you were so young. I didn’t want to leave her, I didn’t want to break up our family. I felt that a child your age needed his mother. So I looked the other way. The baby she lost could have been his, her lover’s child, I mean. But she blamed me. I know this because when she was unconscious as she was recovering, she would awaken sometimes and be delirious. She cried out in anger, cursing me sometimes. Other times she begged God to forgive her for her sins.
“After she miscarried, I thought it best to move to another village, someplace where no one knew us. Believe me, that was not easy. I had land that had be sold, and I didn’t get what it was worth because people knew why we were leaving. Still, I did it for you. I wanted you to have a chance to live without the stigma of your mother’s madness.”
A Family Shattered: Book Two in the Michal's Destiny Series Page 7