by Adams, Anna
Something about mauling his mouth made her giggle, and she sprayed his face with her warm, damp breath. He hardly remembered how to smile at a baby. He was surprised when his hard-fought effort didn’t terrify her into another screaming frenzy.
He made himself say her name, to prove he could. “Maggie.”
She twisted her mouth with adorable concentration, as if she were copying him. She managed a buzz and a string of drool that ran down her chin onto his fingers.
He hadn’t minded Keely’s drool. Must have been something to do with their genetic link. He seriously wanted to wipe Maggie’s saliva off his hands.
“How’d you calm her down?” Tessa spoke from the gallery.
He hadn’t heard her come out of her room. A few minutes with a baby in his arms, and he was already losing his edge. “I must remind her of David.”
“You don’t look anything like him.”
“She’s probably used to spending most of her time with a guy.”
Tessa’s quick look of alarm startled him. “We can’t let her get attached to you.”
That hurt his feelings. Obviously he wasn’t part of Tessa’s family anymore, but he’d meant what he’d said about showing up if she needed him. Maybe she didn’t want him underfoot all the time, but did she need him to disappear again?
And if she wanted him to vanish, how would he stay away? In two days Maggie and Tessa had reminded him of what he’d hoped for from his marriage—an end to the fear that had dogged him from the day he’d witnessed his own father being gunned down by a drunk driver.
All those years, he’d secretly believed he’d caused his father’s death, because his dad had been distracted, knowing he was in the car. Noah had believed he didn’t deserve a family. Marrying Tessa had seemed like the biggest chance he could take, but they’d loved each other and when their healthy baby girl was born, he’d thought he’d beaten the odds.
Until Keely died. And then his whole past started to replay in his head on a looping reel. It began the moment his father had warned him to stay in the car that day. They’d been on their way to the zoo. His dad had only stopped the drunk driver to keep the man from killing someone. He’d walked to the guy’s window and met the barrel of a gun.
And Noah had never admitted, even to Tessa or his own mother that he’d felt guilty, as he’d felt guilty for not saving his baby girl. As a child, he’d pushed his mom away, and after their baby had died, he’d pushed Tessa until she couldn’t cling to the edges of his life.
“Noah.” Tessa’s tone demanded his attention.
He’d forgotten she was there.
“What are you thinking?” She glanced at the Worths’ door and then hurried down the stairs. “I don’t like that look on your face. I know it’s strange to hold a baby and not fall apart, but don’t get any risky ideas.”
“About not letting you down again?” If he hadn’t run from her like a spineless bastard, they could have salvaged something of their relationship.
“We didn’t leave each other because of what happened with Keely.” Standing just out of his reach, Tessa plunged her hands into her hair and raked it off her shoulders. “Don’t fool yourself. We didn’t share our lives before we had her. You went your way with your job, and I went my way with mine. We loved Keely, and we both made time for her, but you and I worked our relationship around our other priorities.”
“We accepted each other’s ambitions.” God, that sounded stiff. “You’re saying you could have lived differently?”
Color flooded her face, and he imagined the heat he’d feel on her skin if he dared trace the sharp line of her cheekbones.
“I’m not looking back at what I should have done.” Her determination dumped a load of ice on his second thoughts. “We might be fine if nothing bad happened to us again, but we both deserve a chance to find someone who’ll care for us in a crisis.”
“You want someone else?” He sure as hell didn’t want to picture her with another man.
Suddenly he faced the real truth. He’d never given Tessa up. He’d let her go, and he’d made a mistake. He’d thought, living each day, they’d find their way back to each other. He hadn’t known he was supposed to do more. Was he capable of doing more?
Tessa shook her head as if she thought he wasn’t sober or sane. She held out her hands for Maggie. “Give her to me, and if I were you, I’d stay away from babies. Look what they do to you.”
For once, the picture that played in his head was not guilt, but scenes from their past, their marriage that Tessa seemed to feel had only gone skin-deep with him. Did he suddenly want her back because she seemed stronger without him?
Until he knew, he’d better be careful.
Forcing a smile, he held Maggie out to her, nodding at the huge wet spot that spread down the side of his shirt. “You’re just in time.” Maggie didn’t want Tessa now. She reached around his neck, but she was too tiny to manage a good grip. He didn’t have the heart to peel her off. “She’s confusing me with David,” he said.
“I’m doing everything I can to help her.” Tessa tried again, but Maggie clung for dear life, bleating sharp sounds that cut into him.
“I’ll hold her a little longer.”
Tessa gave in with a wary glance from him to the baby. “Think of what you’re doing, Noah. After we find out who hurt David, you’re leaving.”
He nodded, noting she’d said “hurt,” not “killed.” She wanted him to face the truth, but she couldn’t yet. She needed him.
“You’re probably right.” This time he intended to do the right thing in his personal life, if only to prove his job didn’t come first. He looked at Maggie, and the circumstances of “this time” nearly undid him. “Did you ever resent David and Joanna for having a healthy child?”
Tessa’s eyes accused him. “That’s why you stayed away from the christening?”
He nodded. “I know what kind of man that makes me, but I wanted—” He rushed a breath. “I wanted Keely.”
“Firsts are always the hardest.” Tessa spoke in a monotone, as if she didn’t trust her own emotions. “I felt the same when I visited Joanna in the hospital, and then when I first went to their house after they brought Maggie home.” Tears broke her voice.
He moved toward her, but the strength of his own need stopped him. He wanted to help her feel better. She’d helped him, but he didn’t trust himself tonight.
As if she saw and somehow understood, Tessa set Maggie’s things on the arm of the sofa. “Give her to me,” she said. She managed to pluck Maggie out of his arms before he or the baby knew what she was doing. She pointed her elbow at his shirt. “You need a shower.”
“I’m going.”
“No, wait.” She balanced the baby without managing to soak her own clothes. “Maggie can’t change the past for us. I called you to help me with the police, not with her.”
Talk about being obvious. Here he was trying to hold back until he felt sure he wouldn’t make the same horrific mess of Tessa’s life. But no need to worry. She’d warned him off.
“Let’s talk about the police,” he said. “You scheduled David’s service for tomorrow?”
She pulled a baby blanket from behind a sofa cushion and laid Maggie on it. “His minister and I decided on a memorial service at his church at ten-thirty tomorrow morning. You don’t have to come.”
“I want to see who else attends, and you can bet Weldon will be among the congregation.”
“Okay.”
Silence fell, except for the baby, who twisted to gurgle at him while Tessa changed her diaper. He smiled at Maggie, stunned that he could return a baby’s cute, spike-toothed grin. She was a charmer, pink-faced and active. Keely had looked just that healthy.
“I’m going upstairs,” he said. “If you don’t need help.”
She didn’t look up. “Good night.”
In his room, he flipped his cell phone open and dialed his mother’s number. She answered right away.
“Where hav
e you been, son?”
The wonders of caller ID. “I’m in Maine.”
“With Tessa? Thank—”
“Not the way you think, Mom. David Howard was killed.” He couldn’t bring himself to add the part where the police suspected Tessa. “I’m staying with her while she settles things.”
“She’s letting you stay?” Lucy Gabriel tapped something against the receiver. He pictured one of her long, fake nails. “Why?”
“She’s upset.” His mom might suspect he was lying, but Tessa would have to be the one to tell her the truth. “I just didn’t want you to worry if you tried to call me.”
“Which I have. I don’t suppose Tessa would talk to me?”
“She’s downstairs with the baby.”
“I forgot about the little girl. Would I be intruding if I called Tessa?”
“Give her some time. She’s not used to me being around.”
“I’m not as much pressure for her.”
“She doesn’t seem to agree.” He smoothed his hair over his forehead. “She has this idea she’ll somehow come between you and me if she stays in touch with you.”
Lucy scoffed, a strident denial that made him pull the phone away from his ear. “I have love enough for you both, but neither of you is willing to be loved.”
Yeah, well, he’d heard enough about his reluctance to sustain a relationship tonight. He was a man, not a saint.
THE TEMPERATURE PLUNGED. Tessa woke to ice tapping at her bedroom windows. As soon as she sat up, Maggie clambered to her feet in a weary but determined hand-over-hand maneuver on her crib rail.
Bribing the baby to occupy herself with toys and a teething ring, Tessa sped through a shower. Afterward she bathed Maggie, and then they crept past the silent bedrooms.
All fed and content, they were enjoying a game of pat-a-cake downstairs by the time the Worths slipped through their door. Eleanor leaned over the gallery rail and then glanced at Noah’s room.
“He’s still asleep?”
“I guess.”
“Have you eaten yet?” Eleanor whispered.
“I thought I’d make pancakes when you all came down.”
“Let me make them.”
Joe, already at the bottom of the stairs, made for the baby. “Here’s my girl.” He scooped her into his arms. “She could sleep in our room, you know. You don’t have to act like David did, afraid to let her spend time with us.”
Intrigued as much by his bitter tone as his words, Tessa stared at him. “David never said that. He thought of you as his parents, too.”
Joe merely shrugged. Eleanor tsked at her husband as she reached him. “Don’t start that again. David simply didn’t have the time for us that Joanna made. Joe didn’t understand that David couldn’t drop everything to bring this little bit over to see us whenever we called.”
“You won’t be like that, though, will you, Tessa?” Joe’s steady gaze hid nothing of his fear that she’d put distance between Maggie and them.
“Not at all. And I’m sure Eleanor’s right. David was busy. For all we know, someone might have threatened him before all this happened. He might have been wary of taking Maggie out.”
“He should have known she’d be perfectly safe with us.” Eleanor stroked her soft cheek. “We’d be glad to have her sleep in our room.”
“Thanks, but she’s restless, and I’m not sleeping well, either. She probably doesn’t understand what’s happened, but she misses her daddy.” Tessa smiled at Eleanor. “And please don’t worry about cooking or any other chores around the house. Take a break, and enjoy Maggie.”
“She definitely needs our attention.” The older woman kissed her granddaughter’s nose. “But she’s mostly content, despite it all. David did a fine job with her. I’m surprised at how fine.”
Joe locked his arm around her waist. “Don’t fret now.” He pressed his lips to her silvery hair. The three of them made a family as Joe hugged his wife and cradled his granddaughter against his chest.
Tessa swallowed. They were so certain of themselves, but she still wondered if she was the right person to care for Maggie. Having David and Joanna’s vote of confidence didn’t seem to ease her doubts about becoming anyone’s mother.
She’d never measured up as the daughter her mom and dad would have liked. And if she’d been good enough for Keely, her own child might still be alive. What made her think she knew how to be Maggie’s parent?
She shook her head. Last night’s talk with Noah must still be rattling around in her mind. He’d simply asked her the questions she’d silently asked herself. He’d obviously been vulnerable, and he’d gone too far, even implying they might try to be together again. Thank goodness she’d forced him to see sense, and his moment of weakness had passed without too much pain to either one of them.
She couldn’t afford to make other mistakes. She glanced at Joe and Eleanor, loving, responsible, longing to help her make life right for Maggie.
Last night, she’d slotted her time with Noah firmly into the past. Might as well face all her demons at once. “I know you’d like to have Maggie full-time. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. She must remind you of Joanna—”
“You don’t have to explain why David and Joanna wanted you to have her,” Eleanor said. “Joanna told us from the beginning. We were already in our forties when Joanna was born, and Joe will be seventy next spring. If Maggie lived with us, she might be facing this same kind of situation in ten years or so. You were family to my daughter and her husband, and now we’ll all three make a family for our beautiful little girl.”
Joe nodded. “Maybe we won’t be the same as her own mother and father, but we’ll be the best backup team in history.”
Tessa hugged them both, surprised at the urge. Joe and Eleanor glanced at each other, and suddenly the tension level rose again.
“I feel as if we’re finally saying goodbye to Joanna,” Eleanor said.
“Never,” her husband denied.
Tessa began to feel like a fifth wheel, but Noah opened his door and stumbled onto the gallery. He stared at them, apparently oblivious to the older couple’s distress. “I slept late,” he said.
In jeans, bare feet and rumpled hair, he looked as if he’d slept badly. His long, muscled torso was leaner than Tessa remembered. Rubbing his fist through the thin trail of hair that arrowed toward his waistband, he opened the linen closet door and grabbed a towel before veering into the bathroom.
Tessa’s mouth went dry. “He lives alone.” She tried to find her voice, but it had mostly gone, stampeded by the memory of her ex-husband’s satin smooth skin beneath her palms. “He’s not used to making himself presentable.”
“How long do I have, Tessa?” As if he wasn’t sure she’d heard him, Noah leaned back out of the bathroom. “We need to leave by 9:30, right?”
“Plenty of time.” Joe’s frown disapproved of Noah’s unkempt appearance. “You must have come home late last night.”
Before Tessa could protest at the idea of her house being Noah’s home, he nodded. “And then Tessa and I worked for a while. I’ll take a shower and get dressed.” Planting his free hand on the gallery rail, he focused on them. “Everything all right?”
It would be if he’d just drape that towel over the provocatively defined muscles of his chest. Who knew his half-nude body could send her priorities slithering out of control? She’d lived so long without wanting a man she felt compelled to act on wanting the one most dangerous to her.
“We’re all fine.” Eleanor planted another peck on her granddaughter’s cheek. “Breakfast will be waiting when you’re ready.”
She headed for the kitchen. Noah lurched inside and shut the door at his back. Joe sailed away with Maggie safe in his hands, and Tessa forced herself to breathe again.
“I’ll take care of little miss for a while,” Joe tossed over his shoulder. “Why don’t you dress for David’s service?”
“Thanks.” Climbing the stairs, Tessa tried to focus on the gri
m morning ahead rather than wanting Noah. But last night Noah had reminded her of the life she’d been wasting. As she neared the bathroom door, she trailed her fingers along the cool honey-colored wood, as if she were touching the man on the other side.
Water ran, splashing as it sluiced over his body. She rolled her shoulders, trying to unknot her own muscles. She stared at the door. What next? If the Worths weren’t here, would she have dared to open it?
And what would she say? “Sorry, I made a mistake when I left you last night. I should have jumped on the hint of a chance to live with you again.”
She hadn’t made a mistake. Leaving him had saved her life, because he hadn’t loved her. She pushed away from the door and headed for her own room.
She found a black dress and shoes to match and then fished a pair of black hose from her undies drawer. Distracting her despite her resolve, the sounds of a wet man moving beneath the shower spray traveled through the wall from next door.
When she should have been mourning David, she was remembering Noah, naked. Once upon a time, he’d begged her to share his shower, but she hadn’t. She’d been too afraid to show him the body her mother had despaired of whipping into shape.
But Noah had never complained about the curves that had embarrassed her mother. Memories crowded Tessa, erotic images of loving that seemed unreal. She tried to elbow them aside as she dressed, but when she drew her hose over her legs, she remembered the play of Noah’s passionate hands, the slide of his heated breath against her skin as he’d kissed her in ways that made her burn for the past.
She remembered the darkness, her friend. In the dark, she could pretend she was the slim woman she’d tried but failed to be. And when she’d been pregnant with Keely, Noah had traced the curves that had horrified her.
He’d touched her with love. She could remember that now without wanting to scream. Her pregnancy had changed her, almost made her believe she’d hold his love forever.
They’d both changed. They’d made time for each other, and they’d talked about life outside their respective offices. They’d planned their life with Keely, and when she’d come they’d taken joy in love that had surprised them both with its savage need to protect.