by LJ Evans
“You don’t need a degree for that,” I told you.
You shrugged.
“Locke would hire you,” I added on. I’d force him to hire you was what I was thinking. I’d tell him I was pulling out of our contract and going to bash him to every artist I knew if he didn’t.
But my words, instead of reassuring you, irked you. “I don’t want Locke to hire me. I want to earn a spot wherever I go to work and have the training and skills to do it right. I don’t want to skate on someone else’s success and reputation.”
Fire in your eyes and in your heart. So determined to take the world by storm on your own. It’s hard for me because it’s what makes you, you. It’s part of what I love about you, but it’s also partly why you’re on the other side of this fucking country and that just makes me want to burn a hole in something.
“So apply to another school. But I have to tell you, it better be in the L.A. area,” I said trying to tease but knowing again that it sounded like a command. And truthfully, the command was what I felt much more than the tease.
You curled your arms around your knees and looked out at the ocean. Deep in thought. A little lost, and I wanted to fill you right there and then with every piece of me so that you wouldn’t need to feel lost. So that instead you would feel like you were home.
“Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves,” I said quietly, my eyes only on you.
You turned to stare at me with a weak smile. “Are you quoting Thoreau?”
I didn’t respond. I’d always liked the way poetry made words move together. It was its own kind of art when it worked. As a messed-up teen I’d even written a few lines myself. But they weren’t very good. Now, I used lines that struck me to drive my art. To express visually what the words said.
You didn’t seem to mind my lack of response.
“Everyone around me seems to have already found themselves. You. Claire. The Twins. Justice.”
“I was lost for a long time,” I said to you, but you just squinted your eyes at me as if I’d said something stupid or something you didn’t believe. “And, Justice has had several paths, right? He was pre-med before?”
“I can’t believe you remember that.”
“Every word is etched here,” I pointed to my heart. All the little tidbits you’d given me were already tucked into my soul.
You seemed taken back by that, but then you unwrapped yourself and pulled my head towards yours to kiss me. It was a kiss full of frustration and desire and something else, and I met your emotions with my own desire and longing and hope.
I stopped us just before I was ready to tear off your clothes and make love to you on the dock, crowd and all. But I already knew then that I was never letting you go of my own volition. I didn’t know that you’d end up just feeling more lost with me than you had without. How can that be? I found my home in you, and you found a dark forest.
I wish now that I’d paid more attention to your indecision. Maybe I could have saved you… us… Maybe, if I’d helped guide you to something closer to home, you wouldn’t be a country away from me. Maybe… But, AA has taught me well. I can’t live with the ifs or the regrets. I have to live in the now. And now, you are there, and I am here, and I’m trying to figure out how to get through each day without getting on a plane or drowning myself in a whiskey bottle. I’ll mail this goddamn letter instead, and hope, that when you read it, you’ll realize how we are still wrapped up in each other even when we are this far apart.
Till We Ain’t Strangers
PJ After Letter Five
“Sometimes it’s hard to love me. Sometimes it’s hard to love you too.”
-Bon Jovi, Sambora, & James
IT BREAKS PJ’S HEART a little that he thought she’d been even more lost with him than before. It wasn’t that. Instead, it was that being with him showcased just how lost she had already been. And then Seth had tried to force a path in front of her, but she didn’t want someone else to find her path. Even if it was someone she loved and who loved her back completely. No, she needed to discover her way on her own
And so her reaction to Seth’s desire to mark her as his own had frightened her more than his desire to do so. When she was with Seth it had seemed to be enough. Him. His arms. His love. It was as if she didn’t need any path.
But she’d promised herself that she wouldn’t let a boy, a man, or her desire to be loved determine how she acted anymore. Because, when that person, that love, was gone, what would happen to her? If he was her whole world, there would be nothing left of PJ when he disappeared.
* * *
Seth had picked her up every day after work that first week they were together. And every night, he’d been a perfect gentleman. Well… maybe not perfect. They had gotten hot and heavy on the wharf and in the car as he dropped her back off at the gym. And at her apartment. And… on and on… but they hadn’t had sex again. He’d always stopped them before they got too carried away. He was trying to make up for them jumping head first into bed. To show her that he didn’t want her just for sex.
And that should have been exactly what she wanted too.
After all, the no sex went better with her abstinence policy of the last four years. It went better with her promise that the next time she did the deed, it would be with someone she loved. But, after a week of being with him, but not with him, she somehow felt more unsettled and out of control than when they’d had sex. It didn’t make sense.
On top of that, she was getting more and more freaked out by the strange texts from “No Caller ID”. The texts swung between inspirational to creepy stalker-like. Whoever it was seemed to know enough about her life to know that Seth was in it, and they assumed he wasn’t good for her. That he was using her. Which just pissed her off. Because of her past. Because she’d let herself be used… no… rather she’d purposely used herself and others and she didn’t want this thing with Seth to be more of that, and sometimes she was afraid it was. Not because of Seth, but because of her own messed up emotions.
Regardless, the texts were creeping her out. So, she called the cell company. They said the only way to stop the texts was to change her phone settings to only receive calls or texts from people in her contact list. Or change her phone number completely. But, she was still hoping to hear from Pratt. And sometimes she got calls from different numbers because of her blog, so it wasn’t really reasonable to block everything.
All of this, her rejection from Pratt, the twins’ disappointment, her guilt over breaking the promises to herself, the unknown caller making her doubt Seth, left her in a mood by the end of the week that could only be called annoyed and cranky.
Claire and the girls noticed. They claimed she needed a girl’s night to escape all the things making her stress out, half of which they didn’t even understand. When she hesitated, the twins said it would be the only way they could forgive her for not going to New York with them. So she caved. They made a plan to hang out at the bar that Claire worked at not far from campus.
When Seth heard, PJ thought he was going to bust a window. He’d made plans he said, and even though the thought of what his plans might be left her skin tingling, she also didn’t want him assuming he could make plans without asking her. So, she told him that and for a minute, she thought he was going to argue with her.
And when he didn’t, she could tell he’d made a huge effort not to, so she broke down and invited him to come with them.
“Fine. I’ll pick you up at your apartment. But. Pack a bag,” he’d said in that deep, husky voice that sent waves of desire up her spine. And even though she knew it was a demand that she should protest, she didn’t because packing a bag seemed like exactly what she needed. Even more than a girl’s night.
“Just meet us at the bar. It’ll be easier that way.”
“Bella.”
“Seth.”
He sighed into the phone. “Fine. You’re torturing me, you know,” he said it so softly and with so much desire that her body r
esponded with a flip of her heart and an ache in her belly.
“Seth?”
“Hmm.”
“I’m glad I’m packing a bag.” And she smiled at his rumbled response.
That night, she was wearing jeans and an off the shoulder top, and after futzing with her hair forever, decided to wear it half up and half down. That way it was out of her face, but it was down like Seth liked.
Claire whistled at her when she joined the girls in the main room of their apartment. “Girl!”
Claire looked beautiful as always in dark jeans and a black halter top. Haley and Mina looked actress perfect in dresses that barely cleared their butt cheeks. They turned more than a few heads when the four of them walked into the bar. It wasn’t something PJ was always comfortable with, but it was something she was used to hanging around the girls.
It was just the four of them when they got to the bar. She’d purposely told Seth to meet them a little later so that they could have some time to themselves before he joined them and changed the entire dynamic of the place like she knew he would.
Claire bought them a round which she never did unless she wanted something, but PJ thought it was just an apology round for the twins until Claire wouldn’t meet her eyes.
PJ squinted her eyes at her and said, “Spill it.”
Claire tossed back her shot before saying, “I’m moving in with my aunt.”
“What?”
Haley and Mina tossed back their shots too and then slammed them down on the table. PJ didn’t touch hers. She didn’t know what to feel. Anger or just one more round of disappointment.
“I’m sorry, Peej. But law school is going to be really expensive. And my aunt says I can room with her for free while I finish up.”
“So that’s the real reason you aren’t moving to New York with us?” Haley asked.
PJ was still trying to catch up. If Claire moved in with her aunt, PJ would have to move too because there was no way she could afford an apartment on her own. Not unless it was a rundown studio in some sketchy neighborhood.
PJ finally took her shot and downed it.
“Don’t be mad,” Claire pleaded.
“How can I be mad at you?” PJ said trying to keep the disappointment from her voice. “You know what you want and are going after it the best way you can. There’s nothing wrong with that. It just means I’m probably stuck moving back in with Justice and Liv.”
“You can still move with us to New York,” Mina said with a hopeful smile.
PJ shook her head.
“Nah. I can barely afford things here, I might as well not spend the little savings I have without a reason.”
Haley and Mina nodded in reluctant acceptance and then shimmied off to the dance floor.
“We good?” Claire asked.
PJ leaned over and hugged her. “We’re good, but I think you owe me another round.”
Claire laughed and went to get more drinks.
When the three girls came back to their table in the corner, it was with men in tow. This was normal when the girls went out. They attracted guys faster than she could blink.
Soon their booth was surrounded by good-looking men in their twenties. Some they knew. Some they didn’t. As normal, the other girls were the main attraction because PJ normally put off a vibe that said, “don’t-even-bother-trying.” But that night one of the guys, Daniel or Dennis or Dummy, whatever, had decided he was going to try to flirt with her even though she kept putting him down. It was harmless, but it led to a bantering back and forth that kept him going. Then the D-boy chose to throw his arm around her shoulders and she froze.
She was just about to flick his fingers from her shoulder in a practiced move when suddenly there was a hand on the back of her neck, and the D-boy’s arm was being twisted back. He yelped in surprise more than pain.
“This one’s mine,” a deep voice said from behind her.
She didn’t have to turn. She’d known it was Seth the moment he’d touched her. The moment that energy coursed from his finger tips to her neck. Her body absorbed his touch while her brain was equally ticked off and equally pleased at his statement of ownership. She didn’t belong to anyone. And yet, God help her, it felt so good to be wanted on that level. It’s a battle she still faces even when they are miles apart.
Claire’s eyes went as big as walnuts. Mina and Haley’s mouths dropped open and the table suddenly went quiet.
“Get the fuck off me,” the D-boy said, trying to shake Seth’s grip. He sounded like a child.
“Seth. Let go,” PJ said worried all of a sudden that he was going to break an arm or start a fight. She turned so that she was looking into his eyes.
She pushed at him. “Let’s go dance,” she pushed again. This time Seth let go of the guy’s arm. The D-boy turned, fists up. He looked like a ten-year-old facing a giant. It made her want to laugh except that Seth’s eyes were still storming, and she knew that if he landed a punch, it would be a deadly one.
The guy’s friends took one look at Seth and held their friend back. “Let it go Daniel.”
As they were holding him back, PJ took the opportunity to drag Seth towards the dance floor. Once they were far enough away, Seth wrapped one arm around her waist, and the other went to the back of her head drawing her face to his, kissing her like hell. Kissing her like he was doing that instead of punching some kid to smithereens.
She let him kiss her like that, with passion and anger, until she could feel it slipping away. And then she kissed him back, biting his bottom lip and drawing it into her mouth. He groaned. And she smiled.
The song was a slow one, so she eased her lips away and moved his hands so that they circled her while she snuggled up as close to him as she could get, swaying to the music. When she felt him relax fully, hands engulfing her tiny frame, she risked looking up into his eyes.
“What was all that?”
“He was touching you.” The fierceness in his voice continued to tear her into two halves. The feminist, independent part of herself fighting with the side that wanted to be possessed.
“God, Seth. Lots of people touch me, it doesn’t mean anything.”
“It did to him.”
“Even if it did, even if he’d tried something, I could have handled it.” And at the time, she believed that. She believed with all her heart that she had the strength and the moves to get free of whatever some stupid guy tried.
Seth didn’t say anything, instead he looked down at her and his fury ebbed away leaving behind a half smirk as he really saw her finally.
“You’re beautiful when you’re pissed at me.”
She rolled her eyes at him. “Now you’re just being a kiss-ass.”
“I can do that later,” he purred in her ear causing her breath to hitch and her body to respond with tremors of anticipation. “But it still won’t change the truth. You are the most lovely creature in this place. You are la belleza.”
His words thrilled her to the bone, and she didn’t know how she was ever going to recover from this gorgeous man thinking she was lovely. It was going to hurt when it went away.
Because even in high school, when there had been a line of boys, none of them had been with her because they thought she was beautiful. Instead, as she’d brutally overheard her second boyfriend say at a party, it was because she put out. And that certainly hadn’t made her feel beautiful. In the end, it had made her feel slutty and emptier than before.
Her therapist from back then hated when she used any variation of that word. Slut. She tried to tell PJ over and over again that having sexual urges and having several partners didn’t make someone a slut. That having sex was a natural, beautiful part of life. That it was only when a person used sex as a weapon against themselves or others that it became twisted into something else, and even then the word slut had nothing to do with it.
PJ wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to convince her heart of that even though she knew it for the truth it was in her head. It was the reaso
n she’d kept all the guys away. So she wouldn’t tempt them or herself. So she wouldn’t have to battle what her heart and her head were telling her about herself.
Seth seemed to sense the shift in her. “Bella?”
She shook her head. “It’s nothing.”
But it was. And she wondered once more if her unhappiness with her life right now was leading her down the same path she’d gone on back then. It was obvious that Seth wasn’t going to share her, and he’d said he didn’t want her to leave his life. But, how did she feel about him? Maybe he wasn’t using her, but maybe she was using him in the way she’d used the boys before. How could she be sure she wasn’t?
The boys at the table had shoved off by the time the song ended, so PJ drew Seth back to the booth, anxious to get her mind away from her own thoughts.
Her friends smiled as they approached, and for a half a second, PJ wondered what Seth’s reaction to her dazzling friends would be. But, when they got to the table, he didn’t even register the other three females. He sat in the booth and pulled PJ down on his lap. It was as if he still couldn’t let her go after having to take her away from another guy.
“Seth this is Haley, Mina, and Claire. Everyone, Seth.”
Claire took him in from head to toe with her normal wide-eyed gaze. Haley and Mina smiled their sexy smiles. Seth just gave them a nod.
The waitress, Maggie, approached. She and Claire worked a lot of the same shifts together. She was always a big flirt and so it was no surprise when she ignored PJ while talking directly to Seth.
“What can I get ya?” Maggie asked.
This was what happened around Seth. It had happened all week when they’d gone out. He was stunning and attracted females not unlike Claire and the girls attracted guys.
“Coke,” Seth grunted.
“Jack and Coke?” Maggie smiled flirtatiously.
“Did I say Jack and Coke?” Seth snapped.
“We’ll have another round, Mags,” Claire said.
“Just Coke for Seth,” PJ said at the same time.
Maggie smiled and shimmied her hips away. PJ turned to see if Seth was watching Maggie, but when she turned, he was staring at her. His hands tightened around her waist, and his thumb rubbed the inside of her thigh.