by LJ Evans
“Um. Then do that.”
“But, the person sending it won’t know that I’ve done that. They’ll just continue to send the texts. At least this way, I know what he’s saying,” PJ tried to reason.
“Then you need to tell the cops.”
PJ stared at her for a moment, stomach twisting.
“You think it’s that serious?”
“I think it’s that serious,” Claire said solemnly.
But, she hadn’t called the cops. Partly because she’d been focused on her last final, her burgeoning blog, and her relationship with Seth, but also because, honestly, she’d been reluctant to report it. She felt like she was making a stink over something that was probably nothing. What would the police do anyway? They’d just tell her to change her number.
And she knew she should. But she didn’t.
She wasn’t stupid. It was more like she wasn’t going to lose another battle with a stubborn guy. Like she was tired of being the one to cave and give in and change. So she did nothing instead.
* * *
After her last final on Friday, she’d gone to the gym to find it filled with balloons and banners. There was champagne and cake and even a handful of presents. Liv and Justice were all smiles, and when she thanked them, they told her that Michael had arranged it. Which felt strangely over-the-top for a co-worker that you only saw at work, and it felt awkward for the first time with him. When she thanked him, he beamed a sweet, happy smile that made her regret her own awkwardness.
“So, how are you celebrating?” Michael asked her as he handed her a piece of cake. It was her favorite, butterscotch caramel, from the bakery she adored across town. She wasn’t sure how he had known, but Liv had made it clear that all the choices had been his.
“Dinner with the fam. A night out at Bulldog’s with Claire and my roommates,” she answered.
“No big guy?”
“What?”
“The He-man that you’re dating.”
She looked at Michael. He was serious. No more smiles. It was weird. And she was right back to that awkward feeling. Doubts creeping in that she hated herself for having.
“Well. I’m moving in with him, but no he won’t be at the girl’s night.”
Michael stopped, fork half-way to his mouth.
“You’re moving in with him?”
PJ nodded.
“That’s really stupid.”
She choked on her cake. “Wh-what?”
“You hardly know him.”
And that pissed her off because even though she sometimes still had her own doubts about moving in with Seth, she didn’t want anyone telling her how to live her life or that she was stupid.
She might have said something she would have regretted if Liv hadn’t come up and handed her Cole. “Can you please hold him so I can have a piece of this lovely cake without him grabbing at it?”
And she let herself get side-tracked with the baby, but she hadn’t forgotten the disturbing feeling when she went to say goodbye to everyone. She tried to give Michael a loose hug with as much distance between them as possible, but instead of keeping the distance she set, he pulled her tighter. She would have had to force herself away if Justice hadn’t pulled at her to get his own hug.
It made PJ wonder about Michael in a way that she hated. It made her think of No Caller, and she didn't want to associate the two in her brain. She didn’t want sweet, nerdy Michael to be creepy, stalker dude.
So, she ignored it like she was ignoring all the red flags in her life.
* * *
On graduation day, she got dressed in a little black dress and donned her cap and gown and went to the stadium with Claire, Haley, and Mina. Seth found them before the ceremony and handed each of them a bouquet. Her friends were surprised, but she wasn’t. It was so typical of the Seth she’d come to know. The one that thought of others. The one that pulled at her heart and made her forget momentarily their arguments over her need for independence.
Locke, Justice, Liv, and baby Cole were in the stands with Seth that day, but every time she looked into the crowd and found them, it was Seth’s happy grin that she saw. A grin that was rare, but when it shone, it was hard to look away from. He was so happy for her. That she had accomplished something that was important to her. But she knew he was also happy for them. Because graduating meant that she was finally moving in.
Even though she was still missing her parents being in the stands, her heart also was also full. She was lucky to have some amazing people there to cheer her on when Seth had had no one there for him.
PJ turned a little melancholy when she hugged Claire at the end of the ceremony. Even though she and Claire would still see each other, it wouldn’t be the same as sharing a room and whispering about their wishes and dreams in the dark. Claire hugged her tightly as if she felt it too.
Claire left with her exuberant family who’d made the short journey down from Thousand Oaks. The twins went off with their families. And PJ’s family journeyed to dinner at La Traviata like she’d asked. The girls planned to meet back at the apartment the next day for the all-nighter they’d promised each other.
At the restaurant, Seth seemed more relaxed than usual. When they’d eaten and had dessert, he handed her a gift bag. Inside was a beautiful metal box that he’d made. It had twisted vines knotted together almost like the ones in the shadowbox that he’d shown her. Hidden in the vines was a fairy. Similar to the one in the dew drop he’d given her an age ago at The Green Room.
“It’s gorgeous,” she breathed out, running her hands along the twisted metal.
“You keep giving away your art, and I’m gonna be broke,” Locke teased.
“It really is lovely,” Liv said, transferring Cole to her other arm so she could take a closer look.
“Open it,” Seth said and PJ looked up in surprise.
“There’s more?” He smiled so beautifully at her that it wound him deeper into her heart.
She opened the box and inside was a Pandora bracelet, but instead of being covered with the typical beads, Seth had surrounded it with bits he had made. Inside them were sparkling gems and twisted pieces of gold and silver. It was exquisite and also something she knew must have cost him a small fortune because he’d used precious metals and real stones.
“It’s too much,” she said looking up at him, shame filling her even as she knew it shouldn’t. Her tiny accomplishment faded in her own eyes. She’d just finished stupid college like a million other twenty-somethings did every year.
Seth took it from her hand, opened the lock, and placed it around her wrist. He kissed her palm, and she forgot her shame as they both forgot that there were other people at the table… or in the restaurant… or maybe in the world.
Justice cleared his throat. Baby Cole gurgled. And they were brought back to the smell of garlic and wine.
“I guess I need to get in touch with a jewelry designer now too? Jesus kid, you’re gonna make my life a living hell.”
“You’ve made enough off my art to last you a couple years,” Seth said, but it wasn’t with as much of a bite as it usually was.
“How am I gonna live up to that now, man?” Justice said with a groan. “When Liv’s birthday comes around, I’m coming to you, and you better come up with something spectacular.”
“Better than spectacular,” Liv harassed.
And everyone laughed and PJ felt happy and light. Like for a brief moment everything fit perfectly together.
The bill came and Seth wouldn’t let anyone pay. “She’s my kid sister,” Justice said, and it was funny to see the men in her life bickering over something as simple as a meal.
“Just let him,” Locke said with a wave at Seth, “He’s the one who just cashed in a cool million.”
Liv and Justice’s mouths hung open because they hadn’t known. And her momentary bubble of peace burst because it reminded her how uneven their relationship was. Seth wasn’t some struggling artist. He was a highly successful one. A mill
ionaire. She was a semi-successful local blogger who relied on her boyfriend for assistance and had no other prospects. And even though she’d given him money, he hadn’t touched it. It still sat in the cookie jar where she’d put it. Because he didn’t need it. He wouldn’t need anything that she could give him.
As they left the restaurant, the marine layer made its way in, causing them all to shiver. Liv hugged her and took the baby off to the car. Locke kissed the top of her head and took off as well, leaving Justice to say his goodbyes.
Seth had his hand entwined in hers. Justice was taking it all in. PJ knew he was thinking about the gifts Seth had given her and the million dollars and maybe thinking that Seth wasn’t as bad for her as he’d originally thought. And while she was glad that Justice was inching his way towards acceptance of Seth, it also irked her that money and gifts would be the reason.
“We’ll meet you at the apartment tomorrow at nine then?” Justice said. He and Locke were helping them move her stuff from the apartment to Seth’s. Seth had protested at first, but he didn’t have a truck, and Justice did.
“Sounds good,” PJ said. She let go of Seth and reached for Justice. “Love you from the top of my aorta to the bottom of my posterior vena cava.”
He squeezed her tight before giving his typical response, “Right back at you, S&M.”
And then he was gone, leaving her with Seth who tangled his fingers back with hers. Seth pulled her up against his chest, her new bracelet slipping down as her hands balanced against his muscular frame.
“You ready to go home?” He looked down at her with eyes smiling, with eyes that spoke of all the things he wanted to do to her when they got back to the house, and she shivered, this time from anticipation instead of the fog.
In response, she stood on her tiptoes and nipped at his bottom lip with her teeth, and he kissed her long and hard, before opening the door of the Porsche so that he could take her back to his place and shower her with his touch instead of presents, and she thought again that maybe it would all work out.
* * *
The latest letter slips from her fingers and PJ looks down at her bare wrist. She hasn’t worn the bracelet since she got to New York. She told herself it was because it seemed too showy and pretentious for a struggling graduate student, but she knows it’s because it tortured her with thoughts of Seth.
She heads to the miniscule room that they’ve shoved three twin beds into. There’s hardly room to stand between each one. Mina and Haley were gracious to take her in after they’d already made this their place. She searches through the boxes under her bed and comes up with the beautiful metal box.
She takes the bracelet out of it and slips it on. It’s heavy, but not uncomfortable. It’s like she can almost feel Seth’s fingers, rough and calloused, encircling her bones, calling her back to him. And she wonders if she’s really doing the right thing. If being away from the man she loves has really helped her find herself any more than she would have if she’d been standing by his side.
All About Lovin’ You
Letter Seven
“Mistakes you know I’ve made a few… Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new that… makes me want you more.”
-Bon Jovi, Sambora, Child, & Carlsson
DEAR BELLA,
When I look back now, at the moments where I am happiest they all seem to be tortured with days where I brought you grief. It was like my euphoria somehow tipped the scales so that the only way to balance it was with extremes. The day you finally moved in, I was the happiest man on earth. It was the best Christmas present ever even though it wasn’t Christmas. It was the best birthday present even though it wasn’t my birthday. But then — that night — I hurt you. Hurt us.
I pushed the button that started our downfall.
But that day, I didn’t know any of that. I was reveling in the idea that you’d be in my home for good. I was excited, yes, excited to show you what I’d done for you. You hadn’t realized it, because there was no reason for you to be in the extra rooms at my place before you graduated, but I had cleared out one of the bedrooms and made it into your office. A place where you could work on your blog and watch the ocean which I had come to realize tugged at your soul as much as it did mine.
I made the desk myself out of driftwood and metal and the shelves were old and white washed. And I scattered it with purples and sea greens because those seemed to be colors you favored. I wanted you to have a place where you could sit and think while you figured out what you would do with rest of your life. But I also wanted it to be a place you wouldn’t want to leave. I guess I was trying to bribe you to stay even before I knew you were going.
Justice and Locke had insisted on helping us move your few belongings from the apartment to our home. I couldn’t really object as Justice had his truck, and I just had the useless motorcycle or the Porsche that wouldn’t hold anything.
We met at your apartment. Claire and the twins were already there. Claire had moved her belongings to her aunt’s house who lived closer to the school than her own family up in Thousand Oaks. The twins had sold most of their things and sent a few on to New York. The apartment that had never seemed like your home was pretty empty, but the four of you still planned on spending one last night in it anyway. The promised all-nighter that I fucking hated thinking about.
I wanted our first night of your stuff in our place to be with me wrapped around you and you wrapped around me. But I was trying not to make a big deal out of it. I had been patient already for over a month. If I really was as possessive as you think, I wouldn’t have let you stay there… Shit, I guess I didn’t.
You didn’t have many boxes and between your brother, Locke, and I, we had you packed up in well under an hour and then headed back to our house. The house I was hoping you would truly start to call your home.
While Locke had been to my place many times, Justice had not. When he got out of his truck, he whistled. “Wow, S&M, movin’ up in life,” he teased.
You punched his shoulder and smiled, but I could tell his words had got to you, especially after our argument over money. After you said you needed to pay your way in order to respect yourself. And I’d taken the money because I couldn’t stand the thought of you hating yourself. But I hadn’t touched the cash you’d left. Would never touch it because I would continue to take care of you as long as I was capable of doing so.
It was me taking care of the person I loved. Because I’d realized that I loved you. And I wanted to give you all the things I thought you should give someone you loved. All the things my shit-for-brains father had never given my mom. All the things you deserved.
I hadn’t told you that I loved you yet. Not only because it wasn’t something I was good at. Words. But it was also because I was afraid that it would push you away. After all, you weren’t any better at accepting love than you were at accepting help.
We moved your boxes into the house, most of it going into the master bedroom, but then I pulled you down the hall and opened the office that I’d created for you. You stopped at the door and just stared.
“Wh-what is this?” you asked, breathless.
“Your office,” I said nonchalantly, but I was aching to see your smile. Instead, you turned at me with those eyes flashing with so many other mixed emotions. “You did this… for me?”
There was no need for a response.
“Seth, you have to stop doing stuff for me.”
I grabbed your hand and pulled you up against my chest, “I’ll never be able to stop doing things for you.”
You kissed me with tears in your eyes as Locke and Justice came down the hall with boxes of your books. “Can you at least wait until we’ve left before you start screwing like bunnies?” Justice said, pushing past us into the office, but he had a smile on his face.
Locke looked around and saw the desk. “Do you know how much I could get for that at the gallery?”
“It’s not for sale,” I grumbled at him.
Justi
ce looked around and seemed at least satisfied that you’d be somewhere physically safe. Maybe I’d made another check in the right box towards his acceptance of me. He was still withholding complete acceptance. I didn’t blame him. I was an asshole. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to prove to him, or myself, that I deserved you.
“Did you make ajiaco again?” you asked with a smile as the smell hit you. I just nodded. “Justice, you have to taste this.”
And you dragged him out the office door and down the hall to the kitchen. Your absence left a silence in the air between Locke and I. He dragged a hand through his graying hair.
“You know. I think I was wrong,” Locke said begrudgingly, like it was costing him more to say it than I’d ever know.
I crossed my arms across my chest and just waited.
“I think I need to be more worried about you than her.” And even as he said it, I had to look away so he wouldn’t see the goddamn agony inside me. The wuss of a teenager in my head who was still beating me up with the constant fear that you wouldn’t stay.
“Seth? You coming?” Your voice rung out from the kitchen. I turned away from Locke and left.
You were already filling bowls with the stew I’d made and passing them out. Justice was shoveling it in with mumbled sounds of appreciation. But I hadn’t made it for him. I’d made it for you, so I just glowered as you offered me my own bowl.
“Locke?” You offered him a bowl as he came up behind me. He was still watching me. I didn’t move.
“Nah, I have a date tonight,” he finally replied.
You almost dropped the bowl, “No you don’t!”
Locke seemed insulted by your disbelief. “Way to go, S&M!” Justice laughed over his stew.
I sat at the bar and took the bowl you offered me, but dragged you down onto my lap. You smiled at me and didn’t protest. You seemed happy. It made me wish that everyone would leave so that I could make you happy for other reasons.
“Who is she?” you asked him.
“He’s someone I met through Dylan Waters.” Locke let it hang out there for a long moment while we all stared at him. Coming out in your thirties seemed so unnecessary these days. But, somehow, it didn’t surprise me as much as it seemed to rattle you and Justice.