by Lily Foster
“Hey, thanks for getting James all settled.”
She didn’t turn to look at me. “Tom, you’re breaking my heart.”
“Darcy, you’re acting like…,” I was going to say acting like we were breaking up but I didn’t because truly, I knew we were. “Darcy, I just need some time to work this out with my parents and plan for the next couple of months.”
“I know you. Your plan for the next couple of months is to push me away thinking it’s for my benefit. I’m asking you not to do it.”
With that, she kissed James’s little head, handed him to me without making eye contact, walked out the door, and left in my truck. As I watched her drive away I felt guilty and sad but oddly, more relieved than anything else. I wanted her free of me.
Mary came back over later that morning. I had done pretty well taking care of James on my own. I couldn’t get the snaps on the onesie thing done up right but otherwise, I’d done just fine.
“Are you ready, Thomas?
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Are you going to tell them right away or wait until you get home?”
“I haven’t planned that far ahead, Aunt Mary.”
“It will be ok, Tom.”
“Yeah, everyone keeps saying that.”
My parents were surprised to see me waiting outside in Uncle Rob’s car at the airport but I played it off. I waited until we were about fifteen minutes from home until I dropped the bomb, or eased into dropping the bomb. My parents were silent at first so I just started rambling. I told them about Breanne, her grandmother, the visit to Mrs. McDaniels with Darcy, us bringing the baby home to Connecticut for the past few days, the paternity test—total diarrhea of the mouth. My mom broke in, speaking as if she was in a daze. “I’m a grandmother.”
“I’m sorry, Mom, I’m really sorry.”
Just then we pulled up outside the house. Mary was there looking through the front window and when I gave her the thumbs up she opened the door with James in her arms. My dad had tears in his eyes and I’m sure those were not the overjoyed tears of a grandpa who had been anxiously awaiting his first grandchild. He was shell-shocked, like I had been.
My mom took James. It must be something ingrained in women because, just like Darcy, she immediately snuggled him close and started whispering to him in a nurturing way. “Oh my Lord, he’s so beautiful.”
My dad pulled me aside shaking his head, clearly disappointed. “Son, this is really something. I hate that you have so much responsibility at this stage of your life but it is what it is. You need to mature pretty quickly.”
“I know, Dad. I brought this on myself and I’m going to shoulder the responsibility.”
“How is Darcy dealing with this?”
“It’s crazy, Dad. Much better than me. She was totally maternal with him from the second she picked him up. I asked her to leave today and go back to school. I just can’t put this on her.”
Chapter Thirteen
Darcy
I found myself driving towards Mrs. McDaniels’s house on my way back to campus. She smiled warmly when she answered the door. “Sweetheart, come on in. I want to thank you for calling me every day. Without you checking in I think I would have lost my mind. Your Thomas seemed like he was a bit overwhelmed.”
“Oh, he’s doing just fine,” I lied. “His parents are just getting home today so they’ll be there with him. They’re a great family. Really, James couldn’t be in better hands.”
“I’m so relieved to hear you say that. I’ve been feeling so much weaker since Breanne’s accident. I would not have been able to care for that sweet little angel.” She took both of my hands into her frail ones. “This has to have been a terrible shock for you, dear.”
“Yeah, you could say that. I feel so bad for you, though, about Breanne. My mother died in a car accident. It’s such a sudden, horrific way to lose someone.”
“Oh, dear, I’m sorry.”
“It’s actually why I’m here. I wanted to take the pictures of Breanne that you can bear to part with. I want James to have some idea of the person his mother was. I was young when my mom died and I really cherish the images in those pictures of her holding me.”
“Of course, that’s a wonderful idea.”
Mrs. McDaniels gave me several pictures of Breanne and James together and also several of Breanne as a child. One picture that stood out was a terrific candid of Breanne holding James up to her face, practically touching noses. She had the most contented, loving smile on her face. My heart felt a slight tinge of jealousy but mostly I felt wistful and sad; she was a beautiful girl and it was terrible that she was taken so young. “Thank you, these are great.”
As I got ready to leave, Mrs. McDaniels clasped my hand again. “I truly hope that you are in James’s life too, Darcy. You are a mother at heart, not all women are.”
I tried not to cry but it was useless. The tears came because I knew in my heart that being a part of James’s life wasn’t likely. I got the distinct impression that Tom was eliminating me from the equation.
After leaving her I didn’t go straight to the dorms. I went to a photo lab and had duplicates and enlargements made. I planned on finding a framer to matte and frame the pictures in a way that would make them impervious to moisture, sunlight, and the fading power of time. Thinking of James as an older boy, I knew he would need to see—to know—his mother. These had to last.
I was wiped by the time I walked back towards my place. In the Village, people were basically going wild. You could barely walk five feet without tripping over a keg. There were footballs being thrown, beer pong tables set up outside, barbeques fired up, and shots being passed around. Jenna spotted me and approached cautiously. “Hey, you ok? I’ve been so worried about you.”
“I don’t think I’m ok, no. Did Dan fill you in?”
“Yes. Never a dull moment, right?”
I couldn’t help but laugh then and Jenna pulled me along. “Darcy, come on, let’s go do one shot together to toast the crazy, fucked-up year we’ve both had.”
Well, one turned into at least four and I was definitely feeling no pain as we made our way back to our place again. As I went to go curl up in bed I checked my phone again. Not one phone call or text from Tom since I’d left this morning.
Excellent.
Tom
If breaking the news to my parents wasn’t bad enough, I still had to tell Brendan and Terrence. They came bounding in the door, excited to see my parents after staying at my aunt and uncle’s for ten days, right in the middle of a full-on crying fit as I tried to change James’s diaper after he dropped a load. My mother wanted to jump in and take over but I insisted on doing it. I was making a mess of it too. Terrence, so innocent, came right over and started babbling to James in an effort to calm him. Brendan, on the other hand, instinctively knew something was not right with this picture. “Whose is that?”
“Hey B, what’s up? I’ll be right with you.”
I looked to my mom with what was probably a pained expression, and she took over with James. “Hey, Brendan, Terrence, sit down.” I took a deep breath and forced a smile. “I know this is totally weird but this baby is mine. His name is James. And that makes you both uncles.”
Brendan was getting so old. He hung his head and looked unhappy. He knew the score. Terrence looked confused. “He’s your baby, Tom? Since when?”
“Uh, Terrence, it’s complicated. I didn’t know about James until last week.”
Brendan broke in, anger barely contained in his voice, “Is it going to live here, with us?”
With that, my mom breezed in and stated things in a way that ensured there would be no follow-up question from Brendan, “Of course he is, he’s part of our family.”
Terrence was smiling but Brendan was looking at me with a mixture of disappointment and fury. He took off upstairs, went into his room and slammed the door. I followed him up and walked in after I knocked. “Hey, Brendan, I know this is tough. I’m still trying
to wrap my head around this. I’m sorry.”
He was sitting on his bed, facing the wall, shaking his head. “I just don’t understand. Is this Darcy’s baby or just some random girl’s?”
Shit. “James isn’t Darcy’s. The girl is someone from my past and it’s a long story but her family contacted me after…after she had an accident. She died.”
He turned to me, eyes wide for a moment, and then he looked pensive again. “Is Darcy mad at you?”
“No, Darcy has been really understanding about the whole thing.”
He was softening a little. “Where is she?”
“She went back to school last night, Brendan. There’s a lot going on this week before graduation. I didn’t want her to miss it.”
“You should probably be extra nice to her, Tom.”
I knew that the boys—my entire family for that matter—were going to feel the loss of her. I managed a smile although I didn’t feel the least bit happy. “Yeah, I know that buddy. Now come on back down, you need some practice changing dirty diapers.”
Darcy
I was surprised when Tom’s mom picked up on his cell. “Darcy?”
“Hello?”
“Darcy, it’s Clare. Tom is out for a run with his father. I’m glad you called. How are you, sweetheart?”
“I’m alright. How’s Tom?”
Her pain was unmistakable as she answered, “A bit of a mess.”
“And how are you? I mean, you came home to a shock.”
“Yes. It certainly was. I haven’t had a baby in the house for quite some time.”
“He’s so adorable though, isn’t he?”
“Yes, I was totally in love the moment I held James.”
I laughed, remembering the feeling, the happy warmth of holding him. “I know, me too.”
“Darcy, I…I don’t know what’s happening between you two. I imagine things are very difficult.”
“Tom doesn’t want me there and he hasn’t called. It hurts.”
“Dear, just give it time.”
“I know. I was calling because I have to bring his truck back. I’ll have Dan follow me there later on today and then he’ll drive me back to school. He told Dan about James, so I figured that would be ok with Tom.”
“I’ll tell him to call you back, Darcy.”
I knew he wouldn’t but what could I say? “Ok.”
“Darcy? We all love you, sweetheart.”
My voice cracked, “Thank you.”
I did need to return the truck but I had really broken down and called him because tomorrow was the dance. I mean, I knew everything had totally changed in the last week but had he totally forgotten about it? Forgotten about me?
A few hours later Dan came by. “Hey, I just spoke to Tom.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“Huh?”
I was choking back tears—again. “Nothing. It’s just that he’s calling you and not me.”
He winced. “Oh.”
“What did he say, Dan?”
“He asked me to grab the keys and have Ben follow me in my car. He just doesn’t want you to have to leave school again during Senior Week, Darcy.”
I’d had it. “No. You’re not getting the keys. Tell Tom if he wants his truck he can have the decency to call me. Fuck him.”
“Shit, Darce, I’m so sorry.”
“Why is he doing this?”
“I don’t know. He loves you, Darcy. Maybe so much that he doesn’t want you stuck with him and the baby. I know he feels like if you stay with him you’re giving up everything in life. He feels like a baby will be a burden on you.”
“This isn’t love, Dan. Every time something goes wrong he cuts me out of his life.”
“Darcy, I don’t know much but I know he loves you.”
I didn’t know what to think anymore but I knew that I needed to talk to him face-to-face. “You can have Ben follow you but I’m coming along.”
Dan nodded. “Uh, ok. Yeah, I think you should come, Darce.
Tom
I came in through the garage and was heading upstairs to get a drink after my run. I was doing a lot of running this week; in fact, this was my second one today. Just trying to clear my head, thinking of every possible scenario, every possible plan. It was also a way to physically punish myself. I knew I was making Darcy hurt and in a way, I felt I also needed to hurt. After my runs I usually hit the heavy bag with so much force that the gloves didn’t do anything to protect my hands. I did sit ups until I couldn’t breathe and there was a part of me that had this recurring desire for someone to hit me—punch me right in the face. I was being a bastard to her and I knew I was going to keep it up. She was better off without me and that was the simple truth.
I stopped cold halfway up the stairs when I heard her voice, laughing with Terrence. Then I heard Terrence ask her if James was her baby—ouch—followed by Brendan screaming at Terrence, “Are you a goddamn idiot?”
She said, so soothingly, “Brendan, it’s ok. No, Terrence, James isn’t my baby but I do think he’s just about the cutest baby boy on the planet.”
I heard Ben chime in, “He is pretty cute, smells like he needs a diaper change, but he’s cute.”
Dan saw me stopped on the stairs. “Tom?”
I guess I had to face them. I put on a phony, cheerful voice. “Hey! See you’ve met the little guy.”
I went over and hugged Darcy from behind as she was right at it, changing James’s diaper. I didn’t go for the more intimate, arms wrapped tight around the torso, right under her breasts like I used to. No, I kept it chaste, stiffly wrapping my arms around the outside of her arms, which was awkward; even more so as she was in the middle of a diaper change. “I’m glad you’re here.”
She hissed so only I could hear, “The fuck you are.”
Sweet Darcy was gone, replaced by stubborn, hostile Darcy.
With that, my mom and dad came down the stairs and greeted the three of them like they were never so happy to see my friends. My mother held Darcy close, her hug probably meant to convey so much: sorry my son is such a fuck-up and I’m sorry you’ll never be my daughter-in-law.
Dan laid into me, “Have you been up for all the midnight feedings, bro? You look like crap. When’s the last time you shaved?”
“Ha-ha. Thanks.”
Dan moved in closer and when we were out of earshot he said, “I couldn’t keep her from coming, Tom. Please talk to her, she’s so goddamn sad.”
“I can’t make this better, Dan.”
He looked at me, stunned. “But you don’t have to fucking abandon her. Jesus, Tom, you’ve completely cut yourself off from her. I’m not the most sensitive guy in the world and even I see how wrong this is.”
I wasn’t good at this. I couldn’t tell her everything I felt. I couldn’t tell her that while I’d like her to marry me so the three of us could be a family right now, I would never do that to her. Even I wasn’t that selfish.
I couldn’t see any other way. I was convinced that cutting her loose, even though she’d hate me now, was what was best for her in the long run.
Darcy was talking with my mom and dad. As I walked near her I could feel her stiffen. I hated how she seemed to be bracing for the worst with me. “Darcy, can we talk alone for a minute?”
I led her down to the basement. I was so uncomfortable. I had my hands shoved in my pockets and whenever I tried to look at her I wound up shifting my gaze to the ceiling. I took a deep breath and started in. “I’m sorry. I know I’m hurting you but one day you’ll thank me, Darcy.”
She pushed me back, both hands on my chest. Damn, she was pretty strong. “What?” She looked more hurt and angrier than I’d ever seen her as she got right up in my face. “When will I thank you? In five years when I hear you’re marrying someone else? Or when I settle for someone else out of loneliness?” She lowered her voice. “When I’m thinking of you as I’m fucking someone else? When exactly will I feel thankful?”
“Darcy, y
ou’re twenty-one. I’m not having you play house with me. If you’re with me it’s going to keep from you doing the things you should be doing at this age. You should be going out, having fun, and traveling. And if you’re with me, what happens to med school?”
“Don’t use that. Med school may or may not be happening regardless of whether or not you’re in my life. Tom, we could make this work.” Her last words were a plea but then when I didn’t answer, her voice hardened and she took my chin in her hand and forced me to look directly at her. “You’re a liar. You promised me that if things ever got difficult between us you wouldn’t just pull away. We would talk to each other, no matter what. I’m not pulling away from you, Tom, I’m here. Where are you?”
When I stayed quiet she swallowed and looked away. I know she was trying not to break down in front of me. I should have pulled her close but I didn’t. It killed me to do it but I was putting the final nail in the coffin. I put on a detached expression and broke out the icy demeanor I used to reserve for the needy girls that I wanted to get rid of back in in the day. “Darcy, what don’t you understand? You gotta stop this. I’m doing this on my own. I don’t want you with me.”
She stared at me in disbelief; it was as if I’d slapped her. Then she took a deep, shaky breath and averted her gaze. “Can you stay down here a minute until I leave?”
I heard her upstairs. She managed to sound somewhat cheerful with Brendan and Terrence. I heard her saying her goodbyes to my parents, taking James from my mom for a kiss, and then a moment later I heard the door close. When I came up Darcy and Dan were gone and then Dan walked back in the house a minute later. He looked irritated. “She took the car back. I’ll head back with Ben.” A moment later he slapped his forehead. “Oh shit, I wasn’t thinking. Unless you’re heading back with us, I’m going to need to take your truck back again.” He looked like he wanted to punch me and I knew he wasn’t referring to the transportation dilemma as he muttered, “This trip was pointless.”