by Heidi Lowe
"I'm sorry," Lissa said again. "I don't want you to leave, even if it is just across the hall."
"Oh, Lissa," Jean said, and she couldn't contain it any longer. She sprang at her and embraced her so tightly she thought she would break her. "You silly, silly girl. That's what's been upsetting you all this time. And I thought you hated me."
How could she have been so foolish to believe that stupid study? Instead of considering the most plausible reason for Lissa's vitriol, she'd jumped to the most unlikely explanation. All she needed to do was pay more attention to her girlfriend. Of course she felt insecure.
She held Lissa's face in her hands, and pressed her forehead to Lissa's. "I'm sorry if I ever gave you cause to think I stopped loving you, or loved you any less. You couldn't be more wrong, my darling. You're so incredibly wrong. How could someone so beautiful be so silly?"
Lissa laughed, and so did Jean.
"I don't care that I'm a vampire, as long as I have you," Lissa said.
"You'll always have me." She was determined to stick to that. Okay, so she'd come close to walking away, but she was certain her love for Lissa wouldn't have allowed her to stay away for long. She would always come back for her, no matter what. "This is why couples talk. You have to share your fears with me. That's what I'm here for."
She kissed her, and it was the sweetest kiss, a kiss to end any war. And she knew then that Robyn was wrong. No one with Were-scum DNA running through their veins could ever have kissed her that way.
FOURTEEN
I listened to her steady, calm breathing, felt her chest rise and fall against my back as she held me close. We hadn't moved from this spot, from this position, for half an hour; if I'd had my way, we would have stayed like that for eternity.
I would never let her go, I vowed to myself that night. She was my everything, and I'd come so close to losing her. It wouldn't happen again.
"Are you ready to talk now, my love?" she asked in a gentle voice that tickled the back of my neck.
"No. I just want to lie here with you awhile longer. Forever, maybe."
She let out a smoky laugh. "Take as long as you need, but we do have to talk at some point. So that this never happens again, this insecurity."
She'd laughed when I told her why I'd been distraught, as though the mere idea of her falling out of love with me was outlandish. Now, lying in her arms, I believed that myself. How could I have ever thought she'd stopped loving me? What demons had possessed me to think and act the way I did?
I let out a breath and twisted to face her. She smiled, brushed the hair out of my face. We had to talk eventually – better to get it over with.
"I realized pretty early on that the reason I was mad at my condition was because I thought you wouldn't want me anymore, now that I'm not human."
"What on earth would have made you think that?"
"I don't know." I really didn't. Looking back, she'd never given me any real indication that her feelings had changed. Now I could see it was all a figment of my imagination. And to think I'd almost lost her... "It was all in my head, I guess. And once it was there, there was no getting it out. I saw what I wanted to see...or didn't want to see."
"Lissa, I'm crazy about you. I thought you knew that already. Oh, baby, don't cry. It's all right." The tears didn't have a chance to fall before she kissed them and wiped them away. "I didn't love you because you were human, I loved you because you're you."
Once she'd settled me with her kind words and even kinder hugs and kisses, I sat up. "As soon as I said those things to you earlier, and I saw how much I hurt you, I knew I'd gone too far. And when I saw those bags, and you said you were leaving me, I'd never felt more afraid of anything in all my life."
She sat up too. "I would have been just across the hall."
"That's still too far away," I admitted. "Anywhere would have been too far."
"I was hurt. I didn't think I could feel that much pain and still be breathing. I thought, I can't ever make her happy, so I should leave."
"I'm sorry." The tears welled in my throat once more, tears of regret and joy. I sat on my knees and looked at her sincerely. "I promise I'll never hurt you again." I meant every word. Losing her would have been akin to losing all of my limbs, being forced to live forever without them. I never wanted to think about a world without her kiss, her caress, her whispered I love yous.
"I'm the one that should apologize. I should have seen that you were insecure. What sort of girlfriend have I been?"
"No, stop! None of this was your fault. Don't excuse my behavior. I was a bitch. You were perfect. I'm always the bitch. But I'm gonna do better, I promise you that, too. I'm gonna be a better girlfriend. I'm gonna take care of you for a change."
She laughed with tears in her eyes, then kissed the tip of my nose, and laid her forehead against mine.
"Just be you, Lissa. That's all I need."
She stroked my head and twirled her fingers through my hair as I lay with my head on her stomach. It was rare for us to spend this long in bed without making love. But a reconciliation like this required communication and cuddles. Plenty of cuddles.
"Petr still isn't talking to me. He won't text me, and I won't text him. We're so stubborn."
"You should make the first move, honey. He's your best friend, and you were in the wrong."
"I know. I've been such a jerk. April probably thinks I hate her, too." I growled in frustration, and fastened my grip on Jean's torso. She was my one constant in all of this. I just wanted to curl up inside her and hide, somewhere I felt safe. The only place I'd ever felt safe was with her. Funny how long it had taken me to come to that realization.
"Tomorrow, you have to call both of them and make things right."
My first thought then was to keep to myself why April and I had fallen out, but we were sharing everything now, and I didn't want to lie to her, or omit anything from her again. So I told her all about it, told her that April would never accept me or her, and that I feared I would never see her again. She did as any supportive girlfriend would: she assured me that everything would be okay. When she said it, I truly believed it.
"Maybe Petr might move out here if you ask nicely. His girlfriend, too. There's more than enough space for them," she suggested a little while later.
I looked at her. "You would be okay with that?"
"Why not? I like Petr. He's a good influence on you. At least, a better influence..."
For a brief moment I was confounded by the direction the conversation had taken, but when I looked into those ebony eyes, it all became clear.
"I was wondering when we were going to get to Oliver." We'd spoken about so much already. He was one of the last things on our list.
"I'm not saying anything. I have no opinion whatsoever," she said, pretending to zip her lips.
I chuckled. "You're so predictable. Of course you have an opinion. I already know it. You hate him."
"Hate is such a strong word. I prefer strongly dislike."
"So you do have an opinion."
"I just think you could do so much better in the friend department. What on earth do you see in that boy? He's such a...a miscreant."
"You're such a snob! My girlfriend is a snob," I declared to the room.
"I'm not a snob. I simply want the best for you, and he looks like a bad influence."
"Well, you're right about that. He's a terrible influence. And I'm not sure I even like him myself. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I don't. About ninety-five percent of the time he repulses me. But the other five percent...I don't know, he makes me feel free, you know. I like having other vampire friends."
"Okay, I'll say no more about it," she said, zipping her lips again. Then, two seconds later, she unzipped them and added, as though out of a compulsion to speak, "But you two have nothing in common. He's so...slimy."
My chuckling went on a lot longer than I'd intended. She looked so serious when she said it, that I couldn't help but laugh at her.
"Stop laughi
ng at me," she said, laughing herself.
"You're so funny when you go full snob mode," I said, my laugh dying down, though the tears still clung to my lashes.
"I'm not a sno–" she started, but my lips against hers cut her off.
"Yes you are, but you're my snob, and I love you for it."
There was no arguing with that. The kiss put an end to it.
"And anyway, people who have nothing in common can get along just fine. You and I have nothing in common, and we do okay...well, mostly."
"We have loads in common." She sounded outraged that I would even suggest that we didn't.
"Name something, besides our love for each other, I mean."
"Well, let's see, we both like reading. And there's our shared love of art. And...and...."
I chuckled and kissed her again for her effort. "It's all right, we don't have to like the same things. I think that's why we work when we do."
"We have the same sense of humor," she said, adorably hopeful.
This only made me chuckle harder. "Oh my God, are you kidding? We do not! Your jokes are so bad, and you find them hilarious."
Her eyes were wide as saucers, her mouth agape in shock, though a smile teased her lips. "My jokes are not bad. I can't believe you just said that."
Before I knew it, she'd flipped me over onto the bed – so easily, as though I weighed nothing – and had straddled me.
"Take that back," she said, eyes glistening with relish.
My stomach hurt from how hard I was laughing. "They're so bad. You're all like, 'Knock, Knock, who's there.'" My attempt at an English accent was painful to the ears, and only made the situation more humorous.
Now she chuckled herself. "I don't sound like that, do I?"
"Close enough."
"Why didn't you tell me they were bad? Now I feel like an idiot. I thought everyone liked my jokes." She pouted as she took mock-offense, and I had to kiss her to make it go away.
"I love your bad jokes," I said, as she rested her head on my chest. "They're funny because of how you say them. That accent makes everything sound better."
"Thanks for being so heartbreakingly honest," she said, sniffling for effect.
"No more secrets, remember? We have to tell each other everything."
She said nothing, though when she looked at me her eyes were serious. Then we kissed for a long time.
"I love you so much. You're the most important person in my life. You're my reason for living, for waking up every evening. You're the reason I continue to breathe," she said. I took that as her promise to never lie to me, to never keep anything from me.
"Did you really buy that gallery for me?" I asked. Dawn was steadily approaching. We would have to retire to the lair soon for our long sleep.
She climbed out of bed, disappeared without saying a word, and moments later came back into the room with a stack of papers. She dropped them in my lap.
"I thought you could use the distraction."
I picked up the papers: title deeds to the gallery, with my name on them. I owned property!
"But...a gallery? That's a big distraction. And an expensive one." I dreaded to think how much she'd spent on it, on me. She'd already spent so much over the years. The huge rock I'd stopped wearing the night I turned – the pseudo engagement ring. My credit card was in her name, had a ten thousand dollar limit, and she never asked questions about how much I spent or on what. She'd spoiled me so much already.
"I just want you to be happy," she said, kissing me on the forehead. "That's all I've ever wanted."
"You make me happy, just you. No frills, no gifts."
"You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that. But I want you to have something that's yours, a project to keep you busy. Will you take it?"
I pretended to ponder her offer for only a few seconds, making it seem as though I might go either way, but then a smile broke out. I couldn't contain it. "Of course I'll take it. Who turns down the chance to have their own gallery?"
FIFTEEN
Jean cut the engine of her SUV. Across the street, the bright lights of the animal shelter shone in the dusk haze of the evening.
I looked beyond and didn't budge from my seat. I felt Jean's hand on mine. "Are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?"
I shook my head. "I have to do this on my own. Go to the casino. I've got this."
"And what about after? Do you need me to take you to the mall?"
"I'll take a cab." I reassured her that I would be fine on my own by planting a kiss on her lips. That always made her smile, no matter how many times I did it.
"I'll see you at home. Good luck." She blew me a kiss as I stepped out.
I waited until she'd driven off before I crossed the street. The huge breath I took before stepping inside made me momentarily lightheaded. Or was it my nerves making me dizzy? This was, after all, my first time back at my old workplace since turning. The feeling I got when I stepped through those doors was like visiting my old kindergarten as an adult. Mere weeks had passed, but in that time so much had changed. I had changed. And there was no going back to that old life any more than there was a way of reliving the happier moments of my childhood.
A Tchaikovsky CD played at a low volume. The animals' favorite music; it calmed them. I spotted Raymond over by the pens, giving the dogs their evening meal. He obviously didn't hear me come in. But the animals certainly did. It didn't happen immediately, and it only began when I was close to the cages, but the growling and whimpering were hard to ignore, hard to not take offense to.
"Lissa," Raymond said, when he spun around to see who had caused the commotion.
I backed away from them, and they quietened down, though each and every one of them watched me warily, eyes alert, stance ready to pounce if I got close again.
It made me want to cry. Many of those faces were familiar to me, and I'd loved them and cared for them only weeks prior. How quickly they'd forgotten or simply disregarded all of that now that I was a vampire.
"I didn't think they reacted that way to...well, you know," Raymond said, following me over to the sales counter.
"Me neither. I guess everything is a threat to them..."
We stood in awkward silence, two people who were once friends, but whose friendship had been ruined by silly old me. At least he wasn't backing away, or finding any excuse to put distance between us. After the fear I'd witnessed in his and Diane's eyes, I expected a bucket of holy water to be poured over me, or a bunch of platinum blades to be thrown at me.
"It's quiet this evening. Isn't this about the time the post-work rush happens, when people pop in to get the cat or dog food last minute?"
His laugh had a nervous ding to it, like he only did it because he thought I wanted him to, not because he found my statement funny.
"How are you? How's Georgia?"
"Good. And Georgia's Georgia. Her parents are staying with us for the week. They're both philosophy professors, which means hours-long conversations about why we drink milk with our cereal instead of water! That actually happened. Yeah, you can imagine how much fun that is for me."
I laughed, and I saw his shoulders loosen a little, saw him relax.
"Is Diane here? There's something I want to say to both of you."
"If it's about the other night–"
"It is."
"You don't have to–"
"Yes, I do," I said, breaking him off. "Is she here?"
"I'll get her." He offered me a supportive smile, then went to find his boss. He was gone a minute or so, and when he returned, Diane was in tow.
"Hi," I said shyly, embarrassed to be facing her again.
"Lissa, hello." She hung back, didn't come closer than she needed to, and her eyes were wary. This was the reception I'd been expecting.
"How are you?" I asked.
"Well. And yourself?" She sounded uncertain, like she had no idea what to say to a girl who'd recently turned, even though that girl had once been one of he
r employees and, I hoped, someone she considered a friend.
"Okay, I guess. I recently changed my diet, and the weight just fell right off me!" I laughed nervously, and so too did they. Was it too soon to tell such an irreverent joke?
"Look, I was an ass to both of you, and I'm sorry. It wasn't about you. I was having a hard time with my new condition. I didn't mean to frighten you. I actually kinda miss you guys, and this place..."
"Well, Lissa, we actually kind of miss you, too," Diane said.
It brought a tear to my eye to hear her say it. She didn't know I was playing it down, that I missed them all immensely and hated not being able to work with them. Don't get me wrong, I loved having the gallery, being my own boss, but it wasn't the same.
"It's probably a given that I resign," I said in a lighthearted tone.
"There is the night shift, you know," Raymond said. He was merely trying to make me feel better. We all knew I could never work in human-owned establishments. Most of the laws associated with the condition were still a mystery to me, but that one was well-known. Vampires, under the law, were forbidden from seeking employment. That was why they all had their own businesses – became the employers as opposed to the employees. I had become one of them now, and would have to follow the path ordained for me.
"Actually, that was one of the other reasons why I came here. I wanted to invite you both, and Camille and Ed, of course, to the re-opening of my gallery tomorrow evening." I fished out the fliers from my jacket pocket and handed them a couple. The colors were loud, artful, and the design was all mine. Robyn got someone to print them up for me, and paid a few kids to hand them out around town.
"You have your own gallery now? Since when?" Raymond's voice rose an octave as he studied the flier. He'd always been more intrigued than the others about my relationship with Jean, and had asked more than once how much she was worth. He'd called me a spoilsport when I insisted I didn't know, didn't care, and would never ask.
"Yeah, I guess I do. It's The Lotus Room. Maybe you've heard of it."
Diane nodded. "I've seen it. You own that now? Did you win the lottery or something?"