"It’s my sister, Leila. She's the youngest, she's still a baby. But she's sick. I don't know what exactly is wrong with her but whenever anybody gets sick out of the blue on my side; it's never something to take lightly."
I see her face drop a bit. I'm not sure if it's because of my news or if it's because she knows what I'm going to ask. I continue, "When I snuck onto your side the first time… that was the reason. I need medicine." Once the words are out, my whole mouth goes numb. I can feel my palms start to sweat as I stare at her, waiting for an answer.
She looks at me funny, like she doesn't really understand but then her eyes get wide. She looks away from me in order to think clearly. I wait for her response and it’s killing me.
Finally, she looks back to me and with a hesitant voice, she says, "So, you want me to bring you medicine?"
Her words burn my ears. I can't believe I'm asking her for this. But this is for my baby sister. She has to understand that. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"Yes, and I understand how much I'm asking for. But I can assure you..." I pause to try and figure out what she's thinking but she's pretty much a closed book right now, "I wouldn't ask you for this if it wasn't important. This is my baby sister."
She looks at me hard. Her eyes glued to mine. I couldn't look away if I wanted to. And I do want to. It feels like her grey eyes are staring into my soul and it’s burning me.
She looks like she's fighting with herself. I can't take this. I need that medicine. I know she's the only way I'm gonna get it without sneaking in myself again. Finally, she opens her mouth to speak. Her words shock me. They ring down my ears and into my throat. Is she serious? I stare at her. I can see that she's made up her mind, though it's an answer I wasn't really expecting for at all.
Chapter Eighteen
Willamina
I look away from him, I have to. I need to make a decision and I don’t want his desperate eyes to influence me, even though I know they already have. I want to say yes, how can I not when there’s a human life involved? But to do this will mean stealing from my own people. But it’s not just that; I’d be stealing for my enemies. There is suddenly a very distinct line being drawn between my people and his. I slowly begin to realize…this is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for. A chance to change the way things are, to help someone who will die if not. My people have more than enough anyway, it’s not like they have desperate need for it. My mind is made up.
“Okay. I’ll do it. I won’t stand by and let someone that you love die, or anyone for that matter.” Even though I know I’m going to help, I’m really dreading it. I’ll have to break in to the hospital. I realize we might already have a problem. “Nate, I need to know what she has so I can get her what she needs. If we give her the wrong medicine, it could make her worse.”
His eyes get wide as he recognizes I’m right, “We don’t know what she has.” I can see the panic in his eyes.
“It’s okay, stay calm, we can figure this out.” I try to keep my cool, “What symptoms does she have?”
“Well, she’s coughing a lot. It sounds really harsh when she coughs, like her throat is really hurting her. She has a fever too. She cries all day, my mom can barely get her to sleep. But that’s really all I know.” He seems to know how unhelpful this is and he apologizes with his eyes.
“What you really need is a doctor.” I say in defeat.
He looks annoyed. “That’s impossible.”
“Isn’t there someone on your side with medical experience?” I don’t mean for my voice to sound as judgmental as it does.
He glares, not at me, but at the situation of his world, “No. There’s no one to give you medical experience, Willa. Either you live or you…don’t.” His last word seems to burn his tongue the same way it burns my ears.
“Okay. Look, I’ll just do my best. But, please don’t be too expectant, I don’t know what I’m doing.” I know it sounds like a bunch of excuses but I really don’t have any idea how I’m going to manage this.
He nods. “I understand. Thank you for agreeing to help at all.” He looks grateful, but I can feel he’s still plagued by worry.
“You’re welcome.” I try to smile at him. “Maybe we should meet again sooner than next Wednesday, so I can get the medicine to you in time.”
“Good idea. How long do you need?” I can tell by his face that he fears we’re running out of time.
“Meet me back here the night after tomorrow. I’ll get the medicine tomorrow night.” That seems awfully soon, but it has to be done.
“That works for me. You haven’t seen the bag that I had when I ran into that first time, have you?” He asks.
“No, I haven’t seen it since then. You don’t think somebody could have found it? Nate, that’s right in front of my house, it could get my family in trouble! What was in it?” Now I can feel my heart rate rising again.
“It was full of medicine from the hospital.” He looks like he might get defensive so I try to be peaceful.
“I’ve seen the corner where you left it tons of times since then and it’s not there. The only thing that makes sense is for someone to have moved it. We could be in serious trouble depending on who found it.” I can hear my voice starting to sound choppy.
“But nothing’s happened to you or your family yet, so that’s got to be a good thing, right?” He’s grasping at straws, not wanting to start fearing the worst.
“Probably. But it could have been found by guards and they might be watching us for suspicious activity. If they are, I think this counts.”
“All we can do is wait and hope. There’s no need to stress over it unless something happens.” His voice is suddenly commanding and he straightens up in a way that says no more of this.
I take a deep breath and nod. It does us no good to worry yet. “Okay, so tomorrow night I’ll get the medicine, the night after, you meet me back here. I’ll try to get things of use to you.”
“Alright. See you soon, Willa.”
“You definitely will, Nate.” As we look into each other’s eyes for just a moment more, we’re both hit with the depth of what we’re doing. We’re in this together now.
Then we both turn and go our separate ways. Walking away from him feels wrong. My gut tells me that we need to walk together from now on, but of course, we can’t. It takes every bit of will power I have to not look back.
Back in my room, I’m wide awake and restless. I’m going to be a thief after tomorrow. But if you do something wrong for the right reasons, is it still wrong? I wish there was someone I could ask the questions that are now swimming through my mind. I think about Mia, but no, I can’t tell her about what’s going on. I think she’d understand but I don’t want to put her in that position. I won’t drag anyone else into the mess I’m creating.
I pull out the picture of the woods and stare at it, trying to decide what it needs to feel the way the actual forest does. The real forest doesn’t feel as evil as it did the first time, or even earlier tonight when I thought I’d be lost in there forever. As invasive and immersive as it is, it’s doing us a favor, protecting us and keeping our secrets. It’s like a friend who you don’t quite like, but becomes vital to what you’re doing. My mind goes back to the lost sack. It might be a good thing that we haven’t heard anything concerning its whereabouts. But then again…maybe not. It might mean that they’re waiting for us to slip up. But who’s “they” exactly? Who are we hiding from? Not from his people and not from mine. Everyone on my side is just as much a pawn as the people on his are. We’re clueless, and we like being that way. So, it makes sense that there’s someone else in control. Is it the government? It has to be. But my father’s in the government and it’s not like he’s some evil mastermind.
Maybe he’s just a pawn too; the real people in control are the ones that you never see. They’re the people that make the decisions you never hear anything about until you suddenly find that something’s changed. Where do they live? Not in the go
vernment neighborhood because around here, my family’s considered as high as you can get, but that’s a lie. What kind of life do they have, hidden in a group of rooms that no one knows exists? Sure, they’re in control, but how can they be happy? What’s the point? We might never find out and I’m not sure I’m okay with that.
When sleep finally comes to me, my dreams are peaceful and involve me sitting with Nate on the log talking about nothing. He seemed so interested in everything I said, never stopping me, never looking bored.
I wake to the sun bothering my eyes. Tonight, I’ll be playing the role of the thief. I’m suddenly filled with regrets. I won’t change my mind because I know I’m doing the right thing, but it still seems like I’m the bad guy here. I wonder if this is how Nate felt when sneaking about the city, clutching that pack of meds, knowing he was stealing it but with the best intentions at heart and mind. I wonder if his status as a thief ever bothers him, ever keeps him up at night. Well, if it does, at least I’ll have someone to confine in after tonight.
I wince. What a horrible thing to even think. Nathan is not a bad person. Neither am I. But even that can’t comfort me because even still, it only sounds like an excuse in my head.
Raya comes in to help me dress and then I go downstairs to eat breakfast with Georgie. My parents are nowhere to be found. I look at my sister. To my surprise, she doesn’t look like she’s been recently crushed by the news of not getting a kitten. I’m about to ask her gently how she’s feeling when both of my parents walk through door. My father’s cradling something small and grey in his arm. Georgie gasps and runs to him.
“It’s my kitten! You got her!” She’s bouncing up and down around him trying to get a better look.
“Careful, Georgie, she’s very small.” He sits her down and deposits the little ball of fur in her lap. The kitten looks sleepy and instantly settles into Georgie, making herself comfortable. I’m still frozen with shock. They actually agreed to this?
“Mother, you hate animals.” I say once I’ve found my voice.
“I don’t hate them; I’ve just never been ready to own one. But I decided that now’s a good time.” She smiles down at Georgie who’s stroking the silky charcoal fur of her new friend lovingly.
I try not to feel hurt. I’ve been asking for a pet since I was tiny. The answer has always been that we’re just not an animal family, whatever that means. I swallow my anger abruptly. I’ll get to enjoy this kitten just as much as Georgie will.
Georgie, after much deliberation, names her Alice. Turns out, Alice is a quiet and sweet little soul who’s perfectly content to let Georgie carry her around the house with her. Georgie’s very good about letting me hold her and pet her and it does me a lot of good, calms me down.
I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I’m an actor in my own life.
But that’s okay. In a way, I always have been.
I’m starting to get restless again so I head back up to my room, wanting to start on another drawing. I sharpen my pencil with a portable sharpener I have left from the school year. I start on another person, this time smaller and daintier, yet with undeniable energy. This time I’m drawing Georgie. Just as I’m getting to her hair, the subject herself walks in, toting her new friend.
She plops herself down on the bed next to me and inspects my work. She informs me that I’m doing it all wrong, even though she recognizes herself immediately. She proceeds to give me a list of numerous changes to make. During that time, Alice decides she wants to see the drawing too and starts to walk all over it. Then Alice comes to the conclusion that that’s a nice place to take nap and lies down with a yawn. Georgie and I are giggling and stroking her smoky fur with amusement.
What I have to do tonight won’t be easy, but it’s the right choice. Nate’s sisters are just as important as mine is.
Chapter Nineteen
Nathan
Walking away from her is almost hard to do. It takes every muscle in my body to walk on towards The Wall, which is a hideous thing and I've really come to hate it.
I climb up the ladder once more, stepping over the wire that's nailed to the top of the structure and standing on the tree, I move the ladder over and hide it behind the tree I almost hit a moment ago while jumping down to catch up with Willa.
I slowly crawl down and hit the ground. Once I'm back on my side, I feel divided. I feel like half of me is still on the other side, memorizing Willa’s face, her voice, feeling almost invincible. Maybe it’s the braver half of me, because bravery is not what I'm feeling now at all. I locate where I left my shotgun, now covered in dirt and moisture from the wet trees. I sling it across my shoulder as I start the hike back to town. What if Willa can't get the medicine? Or what if she gets the wrong kind? I should've investigated into Leila’s illness more before I begged Willa for a cure. I guess I just assumed that part would work itself out.
Walking through the dead forest, I try to stay focused on the positive. I'm seeing Willa again sooner than expected and she'll have the medicine then. I feel guilt for turning Willa into a thief like me. Maybe she'll find a way to get it without stealing. Unlikely, but at least I can hope. Honestly, I don't care how she gets it as long as it will help Leila.
The walk back to town seems shorter than the run there. There isn't a sign of sunlight, so it must be two or three in the morning. Trying to stay calm makes me realize how exhausted I am. I guess it doesn't surprise me, I'm always tired. But this is a different kind of exhaustion. It's a deeper kind. I'm tired of worrying, of feeling like there’s no way I can win, like there's only two paths and both will leave me in the dark. I'm tired of feeling dark. I live in a dark world where any kind of light is destroyed before I get a chance to see it, before any of us do. Before it even gets a chance to shine and affect anyone. Is this how it's going to be forever? The way I see it, we're all going to die anyway. Death is certain, there's no escaping that. But the way we die can be changed. If I'm gonna die here, I don't want it to be from starvation or being beaten. I'm not afraid of dying; part of me looks forward to it. But the way my family will die scares me. If only I could get them out of here. Just run away with them. I could make them a place deep in the wilderness. No one would find us. No one would look. My parents are just too stubborn to move or do anything about their children's fate. Getting the girls to a safer place then this, that's my goal before I die, though it's most likely impossible.
I’m still lost in thought when I enter the town. There’s still a bit of a walk ahead of me before I make it back to the house. We live at the very end of town, in one of the last houses there is. It’s quieter back there, less fuss and hassle that radiates from the market in the center of town. I’ve always liked where our place was located for that reason, which is kind of a sad thing.
It's dark, really dark, but I'm not trying too hard to adjust my eye sight. I'm looking down at my feet as I walk with my hands in my pockets, kicking up dirt while hanging my head. I'm tired and I want to be home.
All of a sudden, an ear piercing shriek erupts into the sky, coming from a house a little ways ahead of me. The back of my neck pops from the impact of swinging my head up, looking in the direction of the scream. The house is small and worn down, but it's lit up, the only light I can see. I start to run towards it, though I'm not sure why, I know it'll only get me in trouble but if somebody needs help, how could I just ignore their need?
Once the whole house is in view and I see everything clearly, I abruptly change my mind. I drop to the ground and stay hidden in the shadows of the other houses. I'm out of sight, lying flat on my stomach, but I still have total vision of the home. My heart sinks when I look up again. I’d hoped my eyes were playing games with me the first time, but I was right about what I saw.
Two soldiers have invaded an older woman's home. I know, because I pass her house on my way to the forest every morning. Sometimes, I see her sitting in a wooden rocking chair on the porch, and I’ll wave to her. She always waves me.
&nbs
p; The men have broken the door down and one is searching the inside while the other is holding the women to her knees. He has what looks like some sort of weapon pointed at her head, threatening her with it. It’s unlike any gun I’ve ever seen, and far more effective than my shotgun. It’s smaller and lighter, fitting easily in the pit of the soldier’s arm, stretching out from his elbow to his forearm. It glows in the dim light of the candles flickering inside the windows. It almost appears to be vibrating in the man’s hands and while it might be my imagination, I think I can almost hear it humming.
I watch the old lady closely. I can tell she's hiding something –or more likely, someone– inside the house, which is the only reasons I can think of that would explain why she's screaming. I hold my breath as I watch the other soldier who was searching the house drag a boy out. The boy looks no older than fourteen. He’s most likely the strongest person the lady has. My stomach turns.
The soldier pushes him out the door and throws him to the ground as he too points his weapon at the boy's head. The soldier starts questioning him harshly while the old lady whales.
I can't make out any of the words the man’s throwing at the boy, all I can hear is the define and definite roar of voices, but I can guess it's about other family members. I'm only a few yards away from the tragedy happening to these poor people. I've still got my shotgun strapped to my back I realize. I forgot to hide it back under the tree where I keep it. I could sit up and shoot both soldiers dead right now. I’m a perfect shot; I hit everything I shoot at. I never miss. I know I could kill them both. But more soldiers will come; they'll find their allies dead and search for the murderer. I can't put my family through that. I can only watch helplessly as they begin beating the boy repeatedly.
The woman cries and begs for the soldiers to spare him; I can certainly make out her words among the others. The soldier beating the boy drags him up by his hair and throws him in one of the moving objects used for transporting. In other words, it’s a moving cell.
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