“You know,” Sasha said, as they sloshed across the street, waving hello to a neighbor who was attaching a plastic green accordion water spout to his rain gutter. “You know, after you left the store, it was like they really missed you.”
“Oh yeah? What makes you think so?” Rudy saw the notes floating across his sheet music, smelled the cloying, too-strong smell of old-lady perfume the saleswomen spritzed as samples for wary oncoming customers in the aisles near the piano.
“Because, I forgot to tell you. That PA system. For maybe a week after you were gone it kept calling your name, like they expected you to be there. I told them you were in the hospital. But still that lady.”
“Really? So I’m not completely crazy.” Rudy laughed, but under the layers of raincoat and pullovers, he cringed at the thought of going back there. He’d quit that job and started a part-time butcher counter gig.
“I called them for you,” Sasha said, “then told them in person. Still, she called you for another day or two.” She shook her head and smiled, her gray eyes developing that mischievous twinkle. “I liked hearing your name. It made me miss you less.” She kicked some leaves in their path. You could smell both the effluvium of rotting leaves and the crisp newness of autumn air. Wood fires and waxy Duraflames.
Sasha stopped on the sidewalk, wiped a browning, webby acacia leaf from her sleeve. She firmly held Rudy’s arm, stopping him. She cleared her throat, which was always a sign that she would be trying her best to speak without an accent.
“Rudolph Knowles,” she beckoned. Her sultry monotone was perfect. Hundreds of hours behind the watch counter, and she had it down to a tee. “Rudolph Knowles.” She raised her eyebrows suggestively.
Rudy bent to kiss her, to shut her up. Both of their faces were wet now, and the rain was coming down in earnest.
Sasha laughed, pulling quickly away from his kiss, holding up a hand to stop him. “Rudolph Knowles,” she repeated. Her breath billowed from between her pink chapped lips. She broke into laughter and took off running toward the house.
Rudy followed, his boots squishing and clunking, as he broke through a shortcut over the grass by the curb. Soon his boots’ sogginess slowed him. And Sasha was fast! She’d been on the track team in high school. She had medals. She’d shown him one in a box of things she’d opened but not yet unpacked. There was so much more to learn about her.
She turned and looked over her shoulder, breaking into a final sprint to the front porch, laughing and bending with a cramp but still running.
Rudy thought, hell, maybe they’d take a hot shower together when they got home. See I’m not a fuddy-duddy, he wanted his new poker buddies to know.
“I’m going to beat you,” Sasha shouted over her shoulder.
At the front door she flipped down her hood, and Rudy watched it fill with rain and a few falling leaves.
“Calling Mr. Rudolph Knowles.” Argh! In that perfect butterscotch-sauce silken monotone. He would catch her, throw her over his shoulder, tickle her until she had to stop.
Sasha reached the front porch, stamped her feet, placed her black mittened hands on her hips. Rudy tried to catch up, crossing their driveway, and then their lawn, where his boots made a sucking noise in the muddy grass. Sure, he could navigate an attorney’s bill and home inspection report, but in some ways, he would always be a few steps behind Sasha.
Sasha waited for Rudy, swiping at her runny nose with a tissue from her pocket. Steam clouded up from her mouth as she teased one last time, “Paging Rudolph Knowles!”
Acknowledgments
I have an embarrassing number of people to thank for helping me get back up on my feet and finish this book. First, so much love and gratitude to Lisa Pongrace, who will sit beside your hospital bed and work on a crossword with you in crayon. (No sharp objects!) Many, many thanks to writing partners Eileen Bordy and Vicky Mlyniec, to savior Jane Ganahl, and to cheerleaders Karen Eberle, Kim Ratcliff, and Julie Culleton. Special love and thanks to Dorothy, Sam, and Owen Chin.
Thank you to editor Tara Parsons for rescuing me with lovely guidance and to her whip-smart editorial assistant, Isabella Betita. And for the bang-up job by copy editor Rick Willett. Much graditude to the folks at Gallery Books for their open arms, generosity, energy, enthusiasm, and smarts: Kate Dresser, Molly Gregory, Michelle Podberezniak, Diana Velasquez, Meagan Harris, and Jennifer Bergstrom. Always, deep thanks to Linda Chester and to Gary Jaffe—who brings daily cheer to the many tasks of publishing.
Love and thanks to Greg Solberg, and always, always, to Frank Baldwin, champion of writers.
To those who contributed to a Go Fund Me that my agent Laurie Fox (the most generous person I know), Patrick Miller, and Jen Listung kindly set up for me, I don’t even know how to thank you. All I can do is give to others’ causes and to the arts whenever I’m able. The donors include: Catherine Taman, Scott E., Julie Righeimer, Jane Moore, Mary Patrick, Amy Poeppel, Kathy Seal, Ken Crichlow, Vivian Ruth Sawyer, Nora Escher, Peter Coughlan, John Williamson, Maggie Jarrett, Allyson Tilton, James Beer, Bj Fishman, Jenny Clarke Caruso, Tanya and Chris Orman, Gwen Clarke Fujie, Jean Escher, Annie Young, Frank Baldwin, Lis Bensley, Shannon Calder, Christine Silverstein, Mark Ebner, Jennifer Stivers, Crystal Nichols, Michelle Richmond, Ben Hess, Izabela Menezes, Pirie Jensen, Tom Parker, Shelly King Schuur, Mae and Sam Mlyniec, Catherine Hartshorn, Curt Anderson, Janet Hancock, Mary Tougher, Sheila Himmel, Jana McBurney-Lin, Sarah Chue, Francoise Vincent, Julie Espinoza, Shani Gilchrist, Sherri White, Julie Knight, Jane Green, Linda Bonney Bostrom, Jane Boursaw, Amy Hatvany, Janis Cooke Newman, Cheryl Strayed, Karen Bjorneby, Mary Vellequette, Heather Young, Linda Sexton, Jennie Shortridge, Ellen Sussman, Vicky Mlyniec, Eileen Bordy, and Kim and Jimmy Ratcliff. I’m so grateful for the generosity from these friends, readers, and fellow authors. I look forward to sending you treats, meeting with some of your book clubs, and reading the above wonderful authors’ new work. To the anonymous donors, please know how grateful I am for your kind generosity. It meant the world. And the rent!
Shout-out of love to my family—my brothers Robbie, Jeff, and Kev; lovely sisters-in-law Sarah, Jean, and Theresa; Sam (!) and Jenny; Wyatt and Crystal; Jeff and Emily; Natalie and her brood; and my beloved artist uncle Gene. Thanks to those surrogate family folks for sticking with us nutty Winstons.
In loving memory and with thanks for his help to Lance Cowell, with special luck and love to his widow, Judy (an ever-helpful friend), and beautiful daughter, Sarah. Sarah, you are a gem.
At Stanford Medical Center, thank you to Drs. King and Birnbaum, and to all the nurses, especially Ali, who could keep you calm in a category 5 hurricane. All these folks are unsung heroes.
I miss my loyal office assistant Popoki every day. Without him, there’s no one to print blank documents with their bum.
Finally, thanks to the first people to make me laugh after coming out of the hospital in 2013—Dave Hill, Tom Scharpling, and Jon Wurster, and to all the lovely FOTs. If you laugh so hard you spit iced tea on your kitchen wall, things must be looking up.
Me for You
Lolly Winston
This reading group guide for Me for You includes an introduction, discussion questions, ideas for enhancing your book club, and a Q&A with the author, Lolly Winston. The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for your discussion. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book.
Introduction
Waking up a widower at fifty-four years old was the last thing Rudy expected. Utterly devoted to his wife, Bethany, Rudy struggles to fill his days without having evenings with her to look forward to. At least his position as a department store pianist is a distraction from the tragedy in his life. The music and calm he knows it offers harried shoppers gives Rudy some respite, as does his friendship with Sasha, the Hungarian sales clerk who manages the watch counter.
Sasha carries her own tragedies: the loss of a
child, memories from a broken marriage, and the countless obstacles faced by hardworking immigrants. Yet her optimism and kindness draw Rudy out of his shell, and his compassion invites something deeper than friendship for them both. As they begin to spend more time together, questions about Bethany’s sudden death continue to upset Rudy’s mourning and ability to grieve. When he spirals into his heartache, Sasha—who knows only too well the darkness of living with sorrow—offers a path to happiness. To reach it, though, Rudy and Sasha must each accept their own vulnerabilities and determine whether pain will continue to define their lives.
Topics & Questions for Discussion
1. One of the most poignant arguments the novel makes is how grief is a ridiculous, if tragic, experience for people to live through. Did you find that Rudy’s grief manifested in different ways throughout the novel? What kind of arc did his mourning take, and was it the “right” way to grieve? Discuss the stages Rudy goes through.
2. A defining characteristic of Rudy’s is his deep love of Bee and being married. How would you describe their relationship? Does their marriage change over time? How does their marriage compare to Sasha’s?
3. Discuss Rudy’s struggles with loneliness. How does being lonely compare with being alone? How does he respond to the swell of mourners offering help and support in the sudden absence of his wife? Do you find his reaction expected or out of character? Have you ever experienced an abrupt change in your support system?
4. Rudy views his daughter, CeCe, as organized, capable, and a “perfect child.” As Rudy’s grief overwhelms him, she steps up to care for his well-being. How does their relationship change from the beginning of the novel to the end? Does CeCe change? How does her marriage and family impact her bond with her father?
5. Is the piano crucial in Rudy’s life? Is music? How does the experience of playing music compare with listening to music? Do you relate to the shoppers who admit to Rudy that they wish they’d kept up with their lessons? Share your favorite musical memory: Were you playing? Listening to a live performance? Is it a favorite recording or song? How does music offer meaning to the different characters in Me for You?
6. How is mental health depicted in Me for You? Have you or a loved one experienced depression brought on by grief? Or perhaps overwhelming depression that requires medical help? Do you think Rudy is brave for confronting his depression and the trauma of Bee’s sudden death? Also, how might we honor those we’ve lost on special anniversaries, such as their birthdays or the anniversaries of their deaths? The holidays can be rough, too. Do you have special rituals or tips for depression during holidays or other trigger days? Consider the other patients Rudy meets in the hospital. Does mental health look different for them, or even for the women in his life?
7. In a shocking turn of events in the aftermath of Bee’s death, her coworker confesses to murder, a confession later proved to be false. Had you heard about false confessions before reading this book? How did this turn of events compound Rudy’s ability to “move on?”
8. Identify the different kinds of love and relationships (familial, friendship, romantic) you see in Me for You. Are any of them stronger than the others? Consider Rudy’s evening with his online match, Barbara: Why does Rudy feel “buoyed by his crazy date”? Can companionship be just as vital as a romance? Have you experienced or observed this kind of connection?
9. Who is “the PA lady”? Why do her announcements bother Rudy? Discuss whether hearing her voice is part of Rudy’s imagination or a symptom of stress. Do you have a similar trigger, annoyance, or regular occurrence in your home or workplace? If so, when does it bother you and why?
10. Were you surprised by the chapters from Bee’s point of view? Why was it important to include her perspective? How did it shape how you understood the other characters in the novel?
11. Do you share Rudy’s frustration with Detective Jenson? Why or why not?
12. Write down three words to describe Sasha. After sharing, discuss whether they were nouns (mother, friend, immigrant) or adjectives (thoughtful, grieving, reliable). Would she use these words to describe herself? Do you think her self-image evolves during the novel?
13. Sasha and Rudy connect through their dispositions, but also their shared experiences of personal loss. Does Stefi’s death define Sasha? Reflect on the differences between Stefi’s and Bee’s lives. Is it fair to compare levels of misfortune? Does Sasha’s bereavement raise memories of your own or loved ones’ lives? How does the author’s portrayal compare?
14. Sasha’s experience trying to navigate the legalities of divorce and disentangling herself from her ex-husband is unfortunately not an isolated occurrence. Many people find themselves without resources or advice during such difficult personal junctures. Discuss the options—or lack of thereof—Sasha had during her life.
15. Sasha’s work could be described as part of the service industry, as a retail clerk she serves the needs of her customers and as an attendant in the health club she serves the needs of its patrons. Despite Sasha’s positive experiences, people in these roles are often overlooked. Have you ever held a job in the service industry? How did it make you feel? How often do you stop to listen and interact with your bus driver, barista, security guard, or sales clerk?
Enhance Your Book Club
1. Rudy’s piano playing is an essential part of the book that draws him and Sasha together. Are there any piano bars in your community your group could go to? Or do any members of your group play an instrument? Pick out a few songs or composers mentioned as Rudy and Bee’s favorites, such as Moonlight Sonata or pieces by Bartók or Chopin, to play or listen to together.
2. Rudy’s favorite part of the day was always spent in the kitchen preparing a meal for Bethany, and he cooks an elaborate French dish for Sasha the first time he invites her home. The meal he prepares, boeuf bourguignon, takes multiple steps throughout the day and involves a lot of prep work. Have you ever eaten boeuf bourguignon? Look up the recipe in Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking and discuss meals that you’ve made for your family or loved ones that take a similar level of time and commitment. Ask your group to come prepared with recipes to swap, or prepare the savory beef stew yourself.
3. Bring a set of cards to your gathering and play a hand of gin rummy. Are you familiar with the rules? Ask someone in your group to teach you or make plans to learn together. Discuss whether you find it as therapeutic as the characters in Me for You. Suggest other kinds of games or activities that have been therapeutic in your life.
A Conversation with Lolly Winston
The period Rudy spends in hospital, as well as his mounting alienation, is a stirring portrait of both grief and the power of mental health support. Why did you choose to capture this side of grief?
I went through a difficult ten-year divorce and a number of deaths in my family brought on by terminal illnesses. In addition to failed in-vitros and a miscarriage. Eventually my doctor admitted me to the medical psych ward for major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, PTSD, and chronic migraines. That sounds melodramatic! But it was a defining experience in my life. I was so surprised to find that many of my fellow patients were also experiencing depression after having been T-boned by circumstance. They came from all walks of life—from students to engineers to professional musicians. There is comfort in knowing that you’re not crazy for feeling crazy and that we are not alone. I was so grateful for the help of doctors, therapists, occupational therapists, and even art therapists and therapy animals.
Where did the inspiration for Rudy’s occupation come from? Do you often search out department store pianists?
No, I don’t search them out, but I enjoy them. As a writer, I always wonder about people and their occupations and lives. I wonder about museum guards, department store pianists, pharmacists. What’s it like to do that job? How did they get those special skills? Do they have bigger dreams? What do they do at home? Writing is so solitary and you sort of get sick of yourself! And
interested in others. Also, I think this comes from working as a journalist. I’m always interested in others’ stories.
Which character do you identify the most with and why? Or do you have a favorite character or one who was your favorite to capture on the page?
I love Sasha. I love the idea of seeing America through an immigrant’s eyes. The San Francisco Bay Area has residents from all over the world. It makes it a vital, interesting place to live—it’s nice (and important) to hear the stories and experiences of those from other countries and about their cultures. I can relate to Rudy, too—to his frustration with grief: JUST NO, EFF THIS!
Did anything surprise you while writing of the novel? Did the storyline remain the same throughout the process of writing or during editing? If not, what changed and why do you think it did?
Bethany came to the fore as a character that needed to be on the page in her own voice. In a good marriage I feel like we can help each other lighten up a little and look at the big picture. It’s great having that dialogue, whether it’s about your job or children. I wanted to show their relationship and their mutual awe and perplexity for their daughter, CeCe. As I wrote Bethany’s backstory for Rudy’s flashbacks, she started to have her own scenes that became short chapters. I wanted the reader to see Rudy and their marriage from her point of view. And to see her coworker, who becomes a suspect in her death. I liked the idea of having flashback scenes from a dead character’s point of view. It gives the readers their own overview of the story. I feel that in the best books the reader always knows a bit more than the characters do.
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