by Bowes, K T
“Hi, sir!” Another voice heralded the arrival of the second fifteen and Logan waved again.
“I hate this place!” he snapped, dropping to his knees and crawling to the bedroom. Phoenix spotted him as his head bobbed past the high chair and she squawked and giggled hysterically.
“Your daddy’s a worry,” Hana said, smiling at her daughter and sitting opposite. The child’s eyes flashed with excitement at the sight of the steaming bowl and she waved her arms and opened her mouth like a baby bird. Phoenix loved the rusk mixture, woofing it quickly and topping up with a breastfeed. “That nice, baby?” Hana asked as the child burped easily and snoozed in her mother’s arms.
Hana washed and changed her, finding her sleepy enough to pop into the pram while she showered and dressed.
“Caught ya,” Logan said, sliding his arms around Hana’s damp body as she towelled herself dry. He nipped the soft skin underneath her hair, his aftershave perfuming the surrounding air. “Now who’s got the upper hand?”
“You have, Mr Du Rose,” Hana breathed, turning to face him.
“Shame I’m due in the office early then, isn’t it?” Logan smiled coyly at his wife and pulled her into him, smoothing her fringe away from her forehead. He sighed. “Odering wants to see me so I figure it’s going to be a long day.” He ran his palm over the small of her back. “See ya later, babe.” He winked and left the room.
Hana wrinkled her nose and sulked. She dressed, a thought nagging at the back of her mind. “I’m sure I had to do something today,” she mused. She tidied the tiny living area and then felt bored. Seizing the moment while Phoenix slept, she walked into town, arriving on the Boundary Bridge within half an hour. Mist drifted up from the river and Hana paused on the bridge to watch it wafting upwards as though alive. The Waikato River was the legendary source of the famous Hamilton fog, which dogged the city’s reputation. “Oh no, Millie!” Hana clapped her hand over her mouth, remembering the forgotten obligation as the river surged beneath her. She quelled the instant flash of guilt. Amanda would be a fool to expect her to honour a babysitting session as though nothing had happened. “I wouldn’t leave you with someone who was mad at me,” she grumbled to the sleeping baby.
The baby opened as Hana arrived, the friendly shop assistant beckoning her in. “What can I help you with?” she asked, turning the sign in the doorway to ‘open.’
“I’m just looking,” Hana admitted, perusing the racks of baby clothes.
The assistant nodded and asked Hana to call her if she needed anything. “Where do I start?” Hana mused to herself, wandering through the shop. She eyed the baby food and bottle paraphernalia, contemplating buying ready meals for her hungry daughter. It was a risky business raising children, according to the experts. They lectured on the threat of bacteria, bugs and illnesses from pre-natal classes to warnings on virtually everything baby related. Hana successfully raised two healthy children without a mother’s assistance and had the sense to know her child wouldn’t necessarily be maimed if her feeding bowl and spoon went through the dishwasher instead of the steriliser.
“How’s the steriliser working out?” the assistant called, remembering Hana from her last hurried visit. Hana smiled and nodded, not wanting to lie so saying nothing. “That was a good model you bought. We’ve sold heaps of them.”
“Lovely,” Hana said, moving guiltily to the other end of the shop. Before her disastrous kidnapping, Hana purchased a steriliser and bottles, expressing milk for her child while she went to reason with Michael Laval. Following Hana’s absence and her time in hospital, even the sight of a rubber teat sent Phoenix into a panic and for a long time, plastic drink bottles produced an unhappy bottom lip and a whimper.
“How would you feel about writing a review?” the assistant called, hefting a mountain of baby vests onto the counter and beginning to stuff them onto tiny hangers.
“Oh, I’m not great at that kind of thing,” Hana lied, remembering the shards of plastic still outside the laundry door. In a fit of anger after Hana’s not so safe return, Logan took the expensive steriliser outside the back of the unit and smashed it into thousands of hazardous pieces, which he then swept up. With Bodie and Izzie, Hana went to great lengths to ensure their bottles and bowls were sterile before food or drink went into them. Then she caught them eating things off the carpet, licking the unhealthiest surfaces and putting everything into their mouths. Third time around she felt more philosophical about her child rearing expertise.
Balancing a metal basket on top of the pram, Hana examined the labels on the baby food, trying to make sure she didn’t stuff her child full of chemicals. It all seemed a little too chemically enhanced and she settled on reasonably safe jars of cauliflower cheese and some apple puree.
Phoenix stayed asleep, swaddled up against the damp cold with blankets and clothing. Even the little hand near her face wore a cloth mitten, but Hana had cut the thumb out so she could still suck it. Hana examined the sleep suit range again, totting up the available cash in her purse. The rent from her Achilles Rise house covered the mortgage on Culver’s Cottage and Logan gave her money each week for general housekeeping, although she wouldn’t ask him for extra. He found her frugal attitude ironic after his previous fiance who ran through money like water and made him feel like a human cash point machine. But that was the reason Hana felt she needed to be different. She had managed her money alone for nine years and her marriage to a multi-millionaire hadn’t changed that.
Hana walked around the shop doing sums in her head, knowing after the supermarket shop and gas for the car, she wouldn’t have enough left. The cash card for their joint account seemed to burn a hole in her wallet and she cringed. Fondling the pretty suits hanging on the rails, she texted Logan and waited, working out whether he’d be able to text back or not. He’d be in his tutor group, sorting out his boys for the day, reading out notices and dealing with problems.
She browsed, keeping her eye on three little suits for her baby which could replace the tight ones. The shop assistant hovered, desperate for a sale and Hana skirted the shop avoiding her, hoping she didn’t suspect her of shop lifting. Awkward.
Her phone rang as her mind drifted, making her jump and ratch around in her pocket for its noisy shape. She hauled it out and answered in a whisper as though she was in church. Logan’s voice echoed in the corridor outside his classroom. “Babe, get what you need. You don’t have to ask me!” he said, for the hundredth time. “It’s for our baby, you don’t have to ask. Use the joint account; that’s what it’s for.”
“I’ve forgotten the pin number,” Hana stage whispered.
Logan smiled and reminded her, “It’s your initials in binary, remember?”
“Oh, yeah. Thanks.” Hana ended the call and put the phone back in her pocket.
Back at school, Logan stood in the corridor watching his class through the glass panel in the door. They sensed him looking and worked quietly, heads down. He shook his head and wondered if his wife would ever learn to trust her instincts where money was concerned. They were financially secure, yet she always asked him before using his money. Logan leaned against the wall, one knee bent and the sole of his boot against the plaster, thinking about Hana. Each time he told her she didn’t need to ask, he retained a small hope she still would; not so it gave him power, but because it made him feel included. No one else in his life cared what Logan Du Rose thought unless they were schoolboys or an opponent he had dismembered physically or financially.
His mind strayed to Miriam. She’d cared in her own way and he missed her. The pain of her suicide had dulled to a familiar ache just under his breastbone. He wished she could rise from the dead like Hana’s father and controlled a flash of jealousy.
Logan breathed out slowly, controlling the pain as a wad of paper flew through the air towards the front of the classroom. The boys nearest the door looked ashen, trying not to catch Logan’s eye through the glass or warn the paper thrower. It wouldn’t make any difference. The tr
ajectory meant the teacher knew exactly who threw it. He waited with his hand on the door, bursting in as the next one whizzed across the room and catching the culprit with his arm still in the air. The stupid grin disappeared from the boy’s face and he paled and chewed his lower lip. Logan closed the door quietly and beckoned to him with his finger, his stone grey eyes not looking amused as he pulled the wad of detention slips from his tight trouser pocket.
Hana bought four jars of baby food and two of the sleep suits. Then she headed along the street to a shop on the corner which would horrify Logan if he knew. She wandered into the second hand shop and browsed. Phoenix still needed clothes and it wasn’t that Logan was a snob, but more that he grew up wearing seconds with no choice. It reminded him how life was for his family with Alfred Du Rose ruining a thriving family farm through lack of business acumen, watched by a brother who could have put it right, had he been allowed. The four Du Rose children were worked hard, fed the bare minimum and wore whatever came their way. Ironically the township folk didn’t know how bad things were, or that the affluent farm was in a slow but certain decline. They might have shared had they known, but the Du Roses were too proud to admit their failings. Logan and his brothers wore each other’s clothes, fighting over socks without holes in the winter and going to the cow shed with bare feet when they didn’t win. Logan told Hana that once, when his feet were turning blue with cold and his toe nails were red rimmed with the pain of it, Michael told him to pee on his own feet to warm them. Logan couldn’t, not even when his brother did and enjoyed the momentary warmth. “Harden up, man!” Michael exclaimed as Logan threw up behind the milking machine. It was the reason behind his compulsive neat freak trait as if living with nothing bred a mania for taking care of possessions. If it wasn’t worn out, it stayed until he couldn’t mend it any longer.
Hana found some lovely suits, cheap enough to pay for with the coins in her purse. She bought six, increasing in size to keep Phoenix dressed for a while. The bonus was a packet of pretty pink knitting wool in a bargain bin in the corner.
“That’s beautiful,” the elderly lady behind the counter remarked and Hana smiled.
“Yes, I’ve got a pattern for a matinee coat which would suit this colour.”
“Wonderful,” the woman remarked, peeking into the pram. “You got some needles, dear?”
Hana nodded, looking forward to Logan’s next night duty when she could knit, instead of dreading it. “That was productive,” she said happily to the sleeping baby, setting off for home. On the bridge her phone rang and she stopped and fished it out of her pocket, sticking a finger in one ear so she could hear against the traffic. She gathered it was Amy but couldn’t understand what she was saying. “Sorry love,” Hana shouted into the phone. “I can’t hear you. Could you text me and I’ll call you back when I’m off the bridge. It’s too noisy here. I’ll ring you back in a minute if that’s ok.” Then she hung up, hoping it wasn’t an emergency.
Her phone beeped in her hand as she left the bridge and negotiated the traffic lights to cross the road. ‘Jas broke his arm yesterday and can’t go to school until tomorrow. Bo was meant to come this morning so I could start work at 11 but got called in. I don’t like to ask you again, but please could you come here for a few hours until he gets here?’
Hana looked at the time on her phone, registering it was only nine-thirty and texted back she was around the corner. At the roundabout, she turned right instead of left and made her way to Amy’s house on a side street in Claudelands. Amy flung the door open and greeted Hana with relief. “I don’t know how I ever managed without you,” she said. “I’m always in a mess when I see you lately.”
Amy helped Hana bump the pram up the side steps and into the hallway, putting the brake on and peering in at Bodie’s baby sister. “She’s such a stunning little girl,” she breathed.
The hallway was freezing so Hana left Phoenix in her blankets. She followed the young woman into the kitchen, nerves biting at her. “I’m not sure Bodie will be happy to see me here,” she admitted. “He pointedly ignored me last night.” Hana sat at the kitchen table, electing to keep her warm jacket on. “Sorry,” she said abruptly, reaching under her chair, “I didn’t take my shoes off.”
“Don’t,” Amy said decisively as she filled the kettle. “You’ll need the insulation!”
“Is Jas ok?” Hana asked concerned. Usually he appeared as soon as he heard her voice, enfolding her in one of his special cuddles which made her feel extraordinarily loved and wanted.
“Asleep on the sofa,” Amy answered, bashing the tea bag in the mug hard enough to bust it open. She swore and started again. The kettle hadn’t boiled yet, so she beat the bag for the sake of it. Already in uniform, Amy was wired and it made Hana nervous. “He had a dreadful night. I gave him the drugs they prescribed at the clinic and he threw up. I risked some at eight this morning and he’s been asleep ever since.”
“What happened?” Hana asked.
“Jas argued with his dad,” Amy said, biting her lip and leaving the tea bag alone for a moment. “He kept saying he wanted Poppa Logan and not Bo and Bo stalked out and left us. He did a lot of swearing first, but went back to the police house. He was meant to come back an hour ago but texted to say he was at work. I don’t even know if that’s true or if he’s just avoiding us, but I have this new boss at work who’s making my life an absolute hell! Four of my colleagues have put in for a transfer. If I take today off after yesterday’s fiasco at the hospital with Jas, he’ll put me on report!”
Amy managed a mug of tea without bits floating on the surface and Hana took it gratefully. “I meant what happened with his arm,” she said, sipping the hot liquid.
“Oh, Bodie took him to the swings and they were being silly on those overhanging bar things. Bo said another child pushed Jas when he was hanging and before he could grab him, Jas was on the ground with the bone sticking out of his arm. Bo said the kid’s mother was apologetic, but he took him straight to the hospital. I got a call via the control room. This new guy won’t let us have our cell phones on during shifts.”
The young woman sounded at her wits end. Hana felt bad about pulling the plug on her free wedding but didn’t see another solution under the circumstances. She reached out and took Amy’s hand in hers and to her surprise, Amy dissolved into tears. “I’m sorry about your wedding,” Hana said. “But I won’t let Bo take Logan’s generosity and then speak badly behind his back. What he said was spiteful and it hurt my husband, hearing Jas refer to him as the spare.”
Amy cried even harder and Hana fetched a dish towel in the absence of tissues. She dried her tears but managed to stop herself before she blew her nose. “It’s not just that,” Amy sniffed. “My period’s late as well now. We had a massive row after Bo came back from work. He said you’d told him he had to pay Logan back, so we’d have to delay getting married and I lost my temper. I told him it was all because of his big mouth, I was sick of him and we were finished.” Amy ran her hand over the kitchen table and Hana pulled her elbows back in horror, guessing what came next. “I knew I was a week away from my period and it would be ok, but I don’t think it is. It was all a bit spontaneous and frenzied and then Bo got up and left. He hasn’t spoken to me properly since. We were trying to be good until we got married. Bodie felt strongly about it and I taunted him and accused him of trying to impress you and he got mad and we did it and now see where it’s got us. And on the kitchen table. Jas could’ve come in or anything.”
Hana patted Amy’s hand and squeezed her fingers, trying to show love instead of condemnation. “Oh, no!” Amy groaned, putting her forehead on the table. “I shouldn’t be telling you any of this.”
“It’s ok,” Hana said softly, “stuff happens. He’ll get back from it. He’s probably just disappointed in himself.”
“How come you’re not mad?” Amy asked, sounding incredulous. “You weren’t even mad when you found out about Jas. Does nothing shock you?”
Hana let go
of Amy’s hand and sat back in her chair, narrowing her eyes at the younger woman. “I was never mad. Believe me, I understand from bitter experience how these things happen. I guess I was disappointed at first but I got over it. The disappointment was more about my failure with Bodie than him having a son. It shouldn’t have taken him a couple of months to tell me the truth and I feel cheated because I’ve missed four years of Jas’ little life. He’s a credit to you; you’ve done a good job, especially because you’ve done it alone and I know how hard that is. I never influenced Bodie not to sleep with you; that was his doing. I didn’t sleep with Logan until after we married but I can’t dictate to my grown up children.”
“Bodie’s angry,” Amy said. “He thinks you’ve got double standards.”
“What do you mean?” Hana looked confused.
Amy shook her head. “I shouldn’t have said anything; ignore me.”
“I can’t now,” Hana said, worry making furrows in her brow. “What did I do?”
“You said you didn’t sleep with Logan and then had Phoenix eight months after you married.”
Hana’s jaw dropped and pain crossed her face. “Really? He thinks that?” She shook her head.
Amy waved her arms around. “See, I shouldn’t have told you. It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.” Hana clenched her jaw and seethed. “Phoenix was premature. She was underweight and tiny, born on top of a mountain after my mother-in-law bloody killed herself and I watched.” Hana ran a shaking hand over her face.
“You’re going to leave now, aren’t you?” Amy’s voice sounded pleading and her face crumpled. “Please don’t go. I’ve nobody else to ask for help.” She sat up, rubbing the remainder of her eye makeup all over her eyelids and cheeks, resembling a panda bear. “When Bodie turned up last year and worked out Jas was his son, it was like a dream come true. He visited all the time and I couldn’t get enough of him. Then he got all religious on me and it ruined everything; I thought he’d gone off me. Then he proposed and explained we shouldn’t sleep together and I didn’t like it, but it was fine because there was an end in sight. He’s really good...” Amy looked sideways at Hana again. Bodie’s mother cringed.