by Henry Cecil
‘He’s ten years older.’
‘Have you been to the Marriage Guidance Council?’ asked the solicitor.
‘Look, Mr Gibson,’ said Amy, ‘if I go to a dairy I go for milk. If I go to a bootmaker I want shoes. And, if I go to a solicitor, I want a divorce, not a flipping Marriage Guidance Council.’
‘Be it so, Mrs Hull,’ said Mr Gibson, ‘but I think you’d better go to a different solicitor.’
‘Don’t you do divorces?’
‘Not yours, I’m afraid. Good morning.’
‘Look here,’ said Amy, ‘you gave me an appointment, and I want to tell you about my case.’
‘Your appointment is over, I’m afraid,’ said Mr Gibson. ‘There’ll be no charge.’
‘I thought solicitors had to take your case if it was respectable.’
‘Barristers, madam,’ said Mr Gibson, ‘not solicitors. We are allowed to pick and choose our clients. And you’ll forgive me, madam, for not choosing you.’
But Amy soon found another solicitor, and he was prepared to take her case. One of the frequent sources of trouble between husband and wife is money. A husband is too mean, or the wife too extravagant – or so each of them says. More than once in the course of their six months’ married life, Amy had suggested to Robert that he should sell the premium bonds.
‘We haven’t had a bean from them. We get no interest. Look at the things we could buy. I’m sure your uncle wanted to make us happy.’
‘He wanted to make me happy,’ said Robert. ‘He never thought much of you.’
‘All right,’ said Amy, ‘keep your blooming premium bonds. Dream about them. Make two and a half millions out of them. Put them under your pillow. They’ll be nearer to you than I shall be in the future.’
‘That’s the best thing I’ve heard in years,’ said Robert. When the break came, Robert was worried about the premium bonds. He had been told – quite rightly – that the Divorce Court goes into the financial side of the parties, both of whom have to declare exactly what they’ve got, and the amount the husband has to pay to the wife partly depends on what his assets are. As long as Robert had the premium bonds he would have to declare them as part of his assets. He could not bear the thought of Amy having any part of them, so there was only one thing to do, sell them and hide the money. But how? Selling them was easy, but how was he to hide the proceeds? He would be asked what he’d done with the money. How would he successfully pretend to have spent it, but keep it just the same?
That was the origin of the case which I had to try. The action was between Robert Hull and a man called Sandy Morton, and Robert sued to recover from him £500. Robert told me in evidence that he met Mr Morton in a public house, and that he confided to him his trouble about the difficulty of getting rid of the bonds without having to account for the proceeds.
‘If I say I’ve just lost the money, no one will believe me. As far as I can see, I might just as well keep the beastly bonds.’
‘I’ve got an idea,’ said Sandy. Robert asked what it was.
‘Well I have a share in a club, a gambling club.’
‘Well?’ asked Robert.
‘Suppose you join that club? I take it half a guinea a year won’t break you?’
Robert said he could manage that amount, and asked what happened when he joined.
‘Well,’ said Sandy, ‘when you’ve joined, you gamble.’
‘And where does that get me?’ asked Robert.
‘You gamble away all your five hundred pounds.’
‘D’you think I hadn’t thought of that?’ said Robert ‘But just to say you lost the money on a horse or the like is the oldest one in the world. If someone wants to account for the proceeds of a burglary, he says he won it on a horse. If he wants to account for not having money, he says he lost it on a horse. No one believes either of them.’
‘And quite rightly,’ said Sandy. ‘As you say, he didn’t win the money on a horse, it was the proceeds of a bank robbery. How can he prove he won it on a horse if he didn’t? He can’t. And the same applies to losing the money. Two or three pounds, yes. But five hundred? What’s the name of the horse or horses? What’s the name of the bookmaker? And so on and so forth. You’d soon be broken down over that.’
‘I thought that was your solution,’ said Robert.
‘You thought too soon,’ said Sandy. ‘Didn’t I tell you I was a partner in this club?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well then,’ said Sandy, ‘if you lose your money with us, you’ll be able to prove it. We’ll have chapter and verse for every penny. Now here’s an example. We play a game called whisky cribbage. Never mind how it’s played, but it needs a bank. Say you take the bank for £100, that’s written down in a book. And when that particular bank is finished, either because you’re cleaned out or you want to sell it, that’s written down too.’
Robert said that he was beginning to understand, and asked Sandy to go on.
‘When your case comes up,’ said Sandy, ‘you’ll say you gambled away the money with us, and our records will prove it. We’re very particular about records in our business. Just in case someone tries to pull a fast one. Everything is written down and signed for or initialled. No one can say he’s put £100 in the game if he’s initialled £50. No one can say he’s only been paid £50 if he’s signed for £100.’
‘So,’ said Robert, ‘you’ll be able to show in your records that I’ve lost £500?’
‘On balance,’ said Sandy. ‘You’ll win sometimes, or it would look funny. In fact you’ll win at first. Your £500 will swell to, say, £600.’
‘That’s a marvellous idea,’ said Robert. ‘When can we begin?’
‘Well,’ said Sandy, ‘I’ll introduce you to the club tonight and you’ll be a member in a couple of days. Then you must come to the club on the days we put down, so that the doorman and the barman and so on can identify you as having been a regular customer. You’d better have the odd genuine game or two as well so that people can see you playing.’
‘I don’t mind losing a few pounds,’ said Robert.
‘You might even win,’ said Sandy. ‘And then, when the club’s closed, we’ll make out your story. We’ll do it from day to day so that the ink will be all right, and the entries will be in the right place. And at the end of the month we’ll have proof positive that you’ve lost the whole of your £500.’
‘Well,’ said Robert, ‘I’m most grateful to you. But you must have something out of this.’
‘Of course,’ said Sandy, ‘we don’t do it for nothing. I’ll charge you ten per cent for the service.’
‘That’s £50?’ queried Robert.
‘D’you think that’s fair?’ asked Sandy.
‘Very fair,’ said Robert. ‘When do I pay you?’
‘You don’t,’ said Sandy. ‘We’ll take it out of the £500.’
‘£500?’ asked Robert.
‘Yes, of course; you must hand that to us. It’ll be quite safe in the bank.’
‘Is that necessary?’ asked Robert.
‘Of course it is,’ said Sandy. ‘Our cash has got to balance, hasn’t it? How can we say you’ve really lost your £500 unless it’s gone into our bank? Some of these lawyers are pretty good sleuths, and they’ll employ accountants. If you don’t pay the money over, they’ll go through all the accounts, and at the end they’ll say that you haven’t paid over one penny piece. “These are just book entries,” they’ll say.’
Robert said a little doubtfully that he understood.
‘But, if you’re worried about your money,’ went on Sandy, ‘I’ll show you our bank account. There’s plenty there, I assure you. We don’t want the £500.’
‘So,’ said Robert, ‘I hand you over £500, and when the case is over, you give me back £450?’
‘That’s it,’ said Sandy. ‘But if you don’t trust us–’
‘Well, I’ve only known you for a week or so,’ said Robert.
‘How true,’ said Sandy. ‘Forget the wh
ole thing.’
‘I didn’t mean to be offensive, old man,’ said Robert.
‘Offensive?’ said Sandy, ‘Of course you’re not. I’d feel the same in your case. I wouldn’t want to hand over £500 to a comparative stranger without knowing a bit more about him.’
‘Well, it’s nice of you to put it that way,’ said Robert.
‘There’s no other way to put it. Have another drink.’
Robert went on to tell me that they had one or two drinks, and that then Sandy invited him to come down and see the club, and they went there that evening. At the club they had some more drinks, and eventually Sandy introduced Robert to his partner who was known as Mac. Sandy informed Mac of Robert’s problem, and it was not long before Robert changed his mind and decided to leave his £500 with Sandy and Mac.
Robert informed me that Mac seemed a very genuine person, and agreed to do the job for five per cent instead of ten per cent. Mac said that the work involved was trifling, and that £25 was quite enough.
So, according to Robert, they arranged for him to come to the club quite often. He said he deposited the whole of his £500 in cash with Sandy and Mac and after that he did exactly as he was told by them. By the time a month had gone by, there were in addition to the records of the club at least half a dozen witnesses who could testify to the losses made by Robert.
In due course Amy made her claim for alimony, and the solicitors on both sides went into the matter and prepared to fight about it. Robert supplied his solicitors with all the information to show that he’d lost the £500 gambling. And undoubtedly, if Amy’s claim for alimony had been heard, Robert would have had a very substantial body of evidence to show that he no longer had the money, and that he had in fact lost it gambling.
But before the application was heard, Amy had second thoughts. It was not long before overtures were made by her to Robert for a reconciliation. And eventually the parties came together again.
As soon as they were living together again, Robert told Amy that he thought it would be a good thing to sell the premium bonds after all, and she was delighted. He admitted to me that he didn’t tell her that he’d already sold them and hidden the money. All he had to do now was to collect the money from Sandy and Mac and try and make a more successful second start to his marriage.
So the day after the reconciliation Robert called on Sandy and Mac to get his money. And according to Robert, this is what happened: ‘Hello, Mr Hull,’ said Sandy, ‘haven’t seen you for a day or two.’
‘I’ve got some good news,’ said Robert, ‘my wife and I have made it up again. We’re living together.’
‘Now isn’t that fine?’ said Sandy. ‘This calls for a celebration. Let’s go and find Mac.’
So they found Mac and they went into his private room. Sandy told him what had happened.
‘Congratulations, Mr Hull,’ said Mac, ‘I’m delighted, I really am. There’s no better state than that of a happily married man. What’ll you have? This is on the house.’
‘That’s very good of you,’ said Robert. ‘I ought to be in the chair really.’
‘I wouldn’t hear of it,’ said Mac. ‘Tell the barman to open a bottle of champagne, Sandy. I can’t tell you how pleased I am. There are too many divorces in this country. The home is the backbone of England.’
Robert said that they then had some drinks and it was suggested that perhaps one day he’d like to bring Amy down to the club, unless she disapproved of gambling on principle.
‘I think she’d love it,’ said Robert. ‘I really am grateful to the two of you. I can’t think why you’re so good to me.’
‘Good to you,’ said Mac, ‘it’s nothing. You’re a good customer. We treat all our good customers the same.’
‘But I haven’t brought you in much,’ said Robert.
‘Not much? Did you hear him, Sandy? He says he hasn’t brought us in much.’
‘He’s a rich man maybe,’ said Sandy, ‘and it isn’t much to him.’
‘Well,’ said Robert, ‘the profit on the drinks I’ve had can’t be more than a few shillings. I’ve worked out about even on the genuine bets, so all you’ll have had will have been my £25.’
‘What’s that you said?’ said Sandy.
‘£25,’ repeated Robert.
‘£25! You must be dreaming. If you haven’t lost £500 in the last month, I’m a Dutchman.’
‘Was it as much as that?’ said Mac.
‘Not much less,’ said Sandy.
‘I must say you did it very well,’ said Robert.
‘Did what well?’ asked Mac.
‘Arranged for me to lose £500.’
‘Now you’re not saying it wasn’t on the level,’ said Mac.
‘Of course not. All the genuine bets were on the level.’
‘And what, pray, were the non-genuine bets?’
‘It’s all over, I tell you,’ said Robert. ‘I don’t need it any more. I’d like the £500 back, less of course your £25.’
‘You’d like it back?’ said Sandy.
‘Yes, please.’
‘The £500 you lost? You’d like it back?’
‘Of course.’
‘And where would we be,’ said Mac, ‘if we gave all our losers their money back?’
‘But I wasn’t a loser,’ said Robert. ‘Not a real one.’ Mac told Sandy to get the records.
‘Oh, I know I signed or initialled everything,’ said Robert, ‘but that was all part of the game.’
‘Game,’ repeated Sandy, ‘what game?’
‘What game?’ said Mac.
‘Look, friends,’ said Robert, ‘it’s been a good joke while it lasted, but it’s over now, and I’d like my money back.’
‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ said Mac. ‘Drinks my good drink and sits back calmly saying he’d like his money back.’
‘Next he’ll be saying he’s never been here before,’ said Sandy.
‘Never sat at the tables,’ said Mac. ‘He’ll dispute his signature, that’s what he’ll do. He’ll call us forgers. There’s gratitude.’
‘I’m tired of this,’ said Robert. ‘Give me a cheque for £475 and I’ll go.’
‘Are you asking me or Sandy?’ said Mac.
‘Both of you. Either of you. I don’t care which, I want my money.’
‘So do we all want our money,’ said Mac. ‘And sometimes we want other people’s, but we can’t have it.’
‘It’s my money,’ said Robert. ‘I left it with you so that I could pretend I hadn’t got it, and you promised to give it back to me whenever I wanted it.’
‘The drink’s gone to his head,’ said Sandy.
‘I hope it’s that,’ said Mac. ‘If it isn’t, he seems to be trying to say that we’ve got his money. And I don’t like that sort of talk. Either way, you’d better be going, Mr Hull. If you’re drunk, we don’t allow that sort of thing on the premises. And if you’re just being insulting, we won’t have that either.’
‘All right,’ said Robert. ‘I’ll go, but I’ll sue you.’
‘Sue away,’ said Mac. ‘How many witnesses will you have on your side?’
‘I fancy, Mr Hull,’ said Sandy, ‘that you’ll find a good number of people who will be prepared to swear you lost the money gambling.’
‘You’re a lot of thieves,’ said Robert, and left.
He went straight to a solicitor, and in the result the case came in front of me.
After Robert had told me his story, Sandy and Mac gave me their version. They assured me that Robert was simply a gambler who lost his money and was trying to get it back again.
‘Your honour,’ said Sandy, ‘I met him in the pub as he said, but he didn’t mention wanting to hide the money. I talked to him about our club, and he said he was interested. So I invited him along. And he lost the money, and that’s all there is to it.’
Sandy was then cross-examined by Robert’s counsel.
‘Mr Sandy Morton,’ he was asked, ‘you say that the money was simply lost i
n gambling?’
‘I do indeed,’ said Sandy.
‘Let’s see,’ said counsel. ‘You have, have you not, complete documentary evidence to show every single pound, if not every single penny, that my client lost?’
‘That is so, sir,’ said Sandy, ‘and it’s signed or initialled by the plaintiff himself, Mr Robert Hull.’
‘Quite so,’ said counsel. ‘Now tell me, how many regular members of your club are there?’
‘Around two or three hundred, I should say.’
‘They are people who play regularly?’
‘Certainly.’
‘Mr Morton,’ said counsel, ‘for how many of these regular two or three hundred paying members have you such meticulous documentary evidence to show their losses?’
‘Some of them win,’ said Sandy.
‘I dare say,’ said counsel, ‘but for how many of those who lose have you such complete records as you have in the case of my client?’
‘Oh – several.’
‘Several! Two or three, d’you mean?’
‘More than that,’ said Sandy.
‘Five or six?’
There was a pause, and Sandy did not answer.
‘Mr Morton,’ went on counsel, ‘if necessary, his honour will order the production of all your books and documents. Are you prepared to swear that you have detailed documentary evidence of the losses of more than half a dozen members in addition to my client?’
‘No,’ said Sandy, ‘I wouldn’t swear that.’
‘Then,’ said counsel, ‘why take so much trouble over my client’s accounts and these half dozen as well, unless you were just hiding the money for them, and the gaming was a cover?’
‘He was a new member,’ said Sandy.
‘Have you taken the same precautions in the case of each new member?’
‘He had no references.’
‘Did you ask for any?’
‘I can’t say that we did.’
‘Have you taken the same precautions in the case of each new member who has no references?’
‘I can’t say that we have.’
‘Well, why not?’ asked counsel.
There was no answer.
‘Why not?’ repeated counsel.
‘I can’t really give a reason,’ said Sandy.