by Sarah Barrie
She made a growling noise in her throat and lifted her hands in frustration. ‘I did not put any of those things the doc said were in my system anywhere near myself! And there was a note. Stupidly, I was under the false illusion that you would help me get to the bottom of it.’
‘It’s a little hard to believe, Jordy.’
‘And what?’ she threw at him, her temper snapping. ‘It’s easier to believe I’m a drug addict?’
‘Not easy. Nothing about believing you’ve felt you need those things to keep you going is easy for me.’ He looked disappointed, she thought. Well, that was fine — she was disappointed too. ‘I’m sorry, Jordan. I’ve failed you somehow and I don’t know what to do about that yet, but I’ll figure it out. I promise.’
Frustration ate at her. ‘I think you should go.’
Joel nodded unhappily. ‘I’ll come back when you decide to talk to me about this.’
She watched him drive away and shoved back the hurt. Reid didn’t believe her, Joel didn’t believe her…would Harry? Feeling more alone than she could ever remember, she stormed into her room and threw some work clothes on. She was hours behind with her jobs. She’d do what she needed to do, and figure out the rest after that.
She worked until dark, then when that didn’t settle her down, began cleaning the house. She scrubbed, polished, washed. Eventually, body aching and thirsty, she headed for a glass of water. Sculling it, she examined the glass, remembered Joel’s hand, his words, the look on his face. With a sound of frustration she threw it across the room…and hit one of her mother’s vases on the cabinet. It smashed into a thousand pieces that fell onto the floor like porcelain rain.
The tears she’d been holding onto all day broke free and streamed unchecked down her face as she took a dustpan and gently swept up the remnants of one of her most treasured possessions. How could this be happening? Everything had finally been going right. Everything had been falling into place. Now this.
The clock on the wall told her it was midnight. The tears slowed and she made herself get up, deal with the rest of the mess. She should sleep. She wouldn’t be able to sleep. Her eyes strayed to the liquor cabinet. Screw it. She needed to dull this hurt.
The bottle of bourbon that had sat on the shelf untouched for four years went down inch by burning inch. When Mack whined she got to her feet, struggled to the door and grabbed him a huge bone out of the freezer. ‘Here Mack, go work your way through this.’ Closing the door behind him, she walked to her bed, fell face down and passed out.
CHAPTER
17
Jordan awoke to Mack’s whining and to her first hangover in years.
‘Bloody hell,’ she croaked, gripping her head in her hands against the painful pounding.
Her throat felt like sandpaper and her stomach was dangerously close to a massive eruption. How on earth had she thought this would help? She’d given in to self-pity last night, but she couldn’t afford to lose the plot. She needed to figure out who had left her the note, not drink herself sick.
Mack…where was he? She hadn’t locked him up. ‘Hang on buddy,’ she called weakly.
She staggered out of bed and let him inside. Sleep, she just needed darkness and a few more hours of sleep. Then she’d pull herself together and get on with it.
Halfway back to the bedroom it was clear that she wasn’t going to make it. ‘Shit, shit, shit! Damn it. Oh crap!’ She reached the bathroom — just, and a few minutes later, suffering and swearing at her own stupidity, she crawled back into bed.
The phone rang, making her jump; a painful move that echoed in her head and cartwheeled in her abused stomach.
‘Jordy, it’s Madi.’
‘Hi Madi.’
‘You sound a little strange, you okay?’
‘Oh great, you too now?’ she muttered irritably.
‘What? No I didn’t mean —’
‘I know, just — God, Madi, later.’
‘But Jordy —’
‘I have to go,’ she replied on another groan, because she heard a car pull up.
Was it some kind of conspiracy? Who the hell was in her driveway? As she staggered to pull on her robe and missed the armhole three times, it occurred to her that she was still drunk. She debated just crawling back into bed. Maybe if she ignored them, whoever it was would go away. Then came the banging on the door.
‘Shit…!’
Wasn’t there enough pounding going on inside her head? She struggled back to the bathroom and the reflection in the mirror was just short of shocking. She was grey, her eyes heavily shadowed, her hair an untidy halo around her head. She quickly threw some water on her face as she heard the knock on the door again. With another curse, she raked her fingers through her hair and headed in a kind of forwards-sideways motion for the front door.
Reid. And damn it to hell, he’d brought Counsellor Barbie to see her. He hadn’t changed his position, and she didn’t need this. What was she supposed to do now, answer the door looking like a reject from the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
The two figures stood on her threshold. Jordan hadn’t seen Reid dressed so officially since his first visit. It made him look distant, unapproachable. It hurt. Barbie was equally well outfitted and, to add insult to injury, Mack let out a welcoming bark and bolted between her feet, reaching the door and wagging his tail madly as though rediscovering a long-lost friend.
‘Traitor,’ she muttered, seething as Barbie stepped behind Reid, laughing nervously at Mack’s enthusiastic greeting. Then it was too late to hide, as two sets of eyes looked up and met hers through the screen. She saw the expression she’d been expecting on Reid’s face as he looked her up and down. Barbie, she had to give points, didn’t blink.
‘Hi Jordan,’ Reid greeted coolly — too coolly. She felt the impact of it like a slap. When she simply looked at him and waited, he cleared his throat and stepped back. ‘This is Kelly, the friend I was telling you about.’
‘Hi Kelly.’ Jordan’s greeting was friendly enough, though she barely spared the woman a glance, her eyes moving back to Reid’s with unrestrained hostility. ‘Is there something I can do for you?’
‘Jordan, are you alright?’ Reid asked with obvious concern. ‘You look…’
‘Like I drank a bottle of bourbon?’ she asked croakily. ‘God, you actually look relieved. But then, I suppose I’m back to drug-dealing murderer status. You here to arrest me?’
‘No, of course not,’ he replied quietly. ‘I told you why —’
‘Hi Jordan,’ Kelly cut in pleasantly. ‘I was hoping we could have a chat.’
‘Were you?’ Jordan returned, unimpressed and very aware Kelly was attempting to handle them. ‘You should come back later.’
‘We’re not leaving until we talk to you,’ Reid threatened, his voice firm.
‘Well, enjoy my veranda.’
‘Where do you think you’re going?’
Where does he think I’m going? Back to bed, she thought, but a streak of temper had her answering, ‘I need a hit.’
She realised her mistake when not even halfway through her second step in the direction of her bedroom, she heard the crack of her screen door being kicked in.
Mouth agape she turned and stared in disbelief. He stormed straight past her and down the hall, and she heard him ransacking her bedroom drawers. A minute later, he was out again, searching the bathroom, the pantry, the lounge room cabinet.
‘Where are they?’ he demanded.
Jordan closed her eyes. No, he wasn’t going to believe there was a note. He wasn’t going to help her figure this out. ‘I was joking.’
Reid was across the room in a heartbeat, his fingers biting into her arms so hard she flinched. ‘You think this is a joke?’ The anger in his eyes was frightening, enough to have her pull back sharply.
‘Reid.’ Kelly’s quiet voice came from the kitchen doorway. Jordan saw the deep breath, his attempt to calm himself down, and the pressure on her arms eased.
The room spun —
she was going to be sick again. ‘I need to have a shower,’ she mumbled, and rushed to the bathroom.
She took her time, but if she’d hoped the hot shower would help her feel steadier, help her mind to work, she was out of luck. What gave him the right to storm in pretending he cared after the way he’d walked out? And how dare he bring her here? Why would he bring her here? He’d said he was ‘done’; there was no reason for it. And really…it didn’t matter why he was here. She didn’t want him here. She didn’t want Counsellor Barbie here. She wanted to go back to bed. So screw them. They might think they wanted to talk to her…they weren’t going to think that for very long!
When she re-emerged, tidily dressed in jeans and a light sweater, they were sitting at the kitchen table, talking quietly. Jordan moved straight to the medicine cabinet and popped a couple of painkillers from their packet, then stopped short of putting them in her mouth when she noticed Reid’s eyes on her. ‘Want to check?’
He just shook his head.
‘This is a lovely place you have here,’ Kelly commented.
‘Thank you, I like it. Will the kitchen table do for the lecture?’
Kelly smiled. ‘No lecture, Jordan. Promise. But yes, it’s lovely in here. This old country furniture is just so beautiful.’
She sat opposite Kelly and smiled coolly. ‘Well, I’m sure you haven’t come all this way to admire my old furniture…so?’
Kelly laughed. ‘You didn’t take that the wrong way, did you? This would be worth a fortune in the city.’
Whatever, Jordan thought, I just need to go back to bed. Elbows on the table, head in her hands, she shrugged. ‘This is the bit where you quickly establish a strong rapport, right? Great, job done. But honestly? I don’t really feel much like being psychoanalysed today.’
‘I’m sorry?’ Kelly looked from Jordan to Reid, who shrugged.
Oh, why not? Jordan decided, pretty well resigned to the fact they weren’t going anywhere. Let’s play…it might save me having to drown them both in the dam.
She smiled stiffly at Kelly, her temper taking the edge off her hangover as she scanned her memory for what else she’d read on Kelly’s website. ‘Your eye contact is great, you’re interested in what I have to say, and I’m pretty sure you’re going to be spectacular both in your concern for my welfare and in your understanding of my situation. So step one: rapport established, let’s move on.’
Kelly looked confused. ‘You’re suggesting we’re developing a good rapport?’
‘And here comes the paraphrasing,’ Jordan announced to no one in particular. ‘An important active listening skill, right? It tells me you care and gives me an opportunity to correct you if you’re not understanding me. But of course, I have no doubts you understand me perfectly because you are the Kelly Sullivan of Sullivan Psychology, Sydney, are you not?’
Reid opened his mouth to speak, but Kelly silenced him with a hand on his arm. Jordan clenched her jaw hard enough to significantly increase the pounding in her head.
‘That’s right, Jordan, and I can see you’ve gone to the trouble of looking me up and reading some of my literature on counselling. That tells me you’re interested, at least a little bit, in finding out more about me and how I can help you. That’s a good thing.’
It’ll be a good thing if she makes it out of here alive. ‘I’ll admit some curiosity,’ Jordan replied steadily, ‘especially after discovering your specialty is criminal psychology. I figure when someone dumps you and threatens to turn you over to the police, it’s good to know they’re willing to set you up with a decent counsellor.’
She wasn’t sure Kelly didn’t almost grin, but then her face was quickly textbook sympathetic. ‘Reid’s been very concerned about you, Jordan. If you look at things from his perspective —’
‘I’m sorry,’ Jordan cut in, looking directly at Reid, ‘but I’m not sure I can get my head that far up my arse.’
He looked hurt, in that instant before his features hardened, and that surprised her. ‘Jordan, please,’ he requested quietly.
‘You’re not in any legal trouble, Jordan,’ Kelly said. ‘I’m here because Reid’s a friend.’
‘I’ll just bet he is,’ Jordan couldn’t help but mutter. If this was his type, he hadn’t been kidding when he’d said she wasn’t it.
‘And I have years of experience dealing with the difficulties you’re having.’
‘I highly doubt that. You have no idea what my “difficulties” are.’
‘Would you talk to me about them? If having Reid in here is a problem I’m sure he wouldn’t mind leaving us alone.’
‘Yeah, he’s got that one down pat. Problem is, he came back.’
Abruptly, Reid stood, looking as though he’d reached the end of his tether. ‘Just listen to what Kelly has to say. I’ll wait outside.’
‘I know what Kelly is going to say!’ she fumed, getting to her feet and turning her full attention on Reid. ‘And if I were a drug addict, she’d undoubtedly be the best person on earth to help me, because you brought her here and with you — only the best will do. Which is why you’re “done” with me, right? Because you think I have issues. But you’re the one with the issues, because you don’t listen!’
‘We’re listening now, Jordan,’ Kelly pointed out.
Jordan had officially had enough. ‘Honestly Kelly, I think you’re probably a really nice person, but if you don’t shut the fuck up —’
‘Jordan!’
‘It’s alright, Reid,’ Kelly sighed. ‘Let’s all just calm down.’
‘Yes of course. Giving your client time to process is so important. Fortunately, I don’t need time to process what a complete waste of time this is, so there’s another bit we can skip. In fact…’
Jordan walked to the dresser and pulled out an envelope, dropped it into Kelly’s lap.
‘What’s this?’
‘Your fee. Session complete. Thank you and goodbye.’
‘Jordan, you don’t owe me any money.’
‘I’d rather pay you than owe him, even if I didn’t ask for any of this. Feel free to get the hell out.’
Jordan ran from the house, fighting back the rolling waves of nausea in her stomach, unable to hold back the tears that blinded her. Everything hurt, and a tight band had developed around her chest, threatening to squeeze the last of the air from her lungs as she headed quickly for the stables. She dropped onto a bale of hay. She was shaking again — out of fury, frustration, hurt or hangover she wasn’t sure. Head in her hands, she took some calming breaths and wiped her face. She wouldn’t go back into that house until they were gone.
She’d been horrible to Reid, and she knew he was trying to help. But he couldn’t know how much it hurt that he wouldn’t believe her…even if in the circumstances she wouldn’t have believed her either.
She heard his footsteps behind her a second before he spoke. ‘Jordan.’
Perfect, she thought, and slapping her hands down on her knees and standing, she turned to face him. ‘What?’
His expression was pained as he closed the space between them and reached out. She swiped at his hand and moved out of reach. ‘Hands off!’
‘You’re shaking.’
‘Must need another hit…and you’re still not sure if I’m joking.’
‘I miss you.’
‘Do you?’
‘Do you think I came down here for nothing?’
Jordan scowled. ‘I think you came down here because even though you’re done with me you feel some sort of responsibility not to walk away from the junkie. Or you’re trying to walk away with a clear conscience, having done your best and all that.’
He took hold of her arms, ignored her struggles and gave her a quick shake. ‘That’s not true!’
‘Do you believe me? Do you believe that I didn’t take those drugs on purpose?’
His face closed up and that hope evaporated. ‘It doesn’t make sense.’
Alright, she thought, one last try. ‘Somehow Hal�
��s behind this. I know it doesn’t make sense but that note —’
‘The mysterious missing note?’ The disbelief in his voice broke something deep inside her.
‘Yeah, that one,’ she replied, giving up.
Reid let her go and strode a few steps away. After a moment, he rubbed a hand across the back of his neck, sighed heavily and turned around. ‘Listen to yourself, would you? You want me to believe the pills I found in your house materialised out of nowhere, that somehow you took some, but don’t remember doing it. Then, you got a note in which Hal admitted to giving them to you, which disappeared while you walked around your house. With Mack. The dog that hates just about everyone.’
‘Mack was with me. And if I had all the answers we wouldn’t be having this conversation,’ she argued uselessly.
‘Jordan.’ Reid touched her face in the way she loved as tears fell freely down her cheeks. ‘I’ve been in my job a long time…I’ve heard it all before. If I pretend to go along with this, I’m not helping you. I can’t risk it. I can’t lose you.’
Jordan pressed her eyes closed and swallowed hard. ‘You just did.’
‘No, listen to me —’
‘Reid, I can’t do this anymore.’ She turned away from him and stared into space. She had to get this out. ‘It was fun, what we had. I’ll even admit I was getting quite attached to the you-and-me idea. Stupid, because I didn’t really know you. Obviously you don’t really know me. I don’t want to see you again. I don’t want you calling me, I don’t want you coming here, I don’t want your “help”. So get back in your car with your good friend Counsellor Barbie, because whatever it was we had is over. I’m done.’
‘Jordan, please…’
Before he could touch her again she climbed onto the quad. ‘Don’t be here when I get back.’ She started it up and tore off as fast as she could manage. Mack chased behind.
Much later, Jordan crawled back into bed. She wrapped herself around her pillow, closed her eyes, and didn’t open them for a full eight hours.
Jordan spent much of the following day on automatic pilot. She spent a good majority of it outside, fixing fences, working horses and making up jobs that would preoccupy her from thinking too much. But eventually it started to get dark, and she had to go inside. So she headed for the shower — and found another note on her kitchen table.