A Life Without Regrets

by Marci Bolden

  Like Tobias, there was a calm about Simon that embraced her, soothing her chaotic mind.

  “I’m glad you had a good Thanksgiving,” Simon said as they settled at the table.

  “Well, I admit there were a few moments where I struggled. Sometimes things sneak up and pull the rug out from under me. Being with Tobias’s family made it better.”

  “I’m sure having them rally around you is nice.”

  Carol tilted her head as she considered how to answer. Though she and Lara had made peace, she couldn’t discount how her sister-in-law was so determined to get Carol to come back to St. Louis. “In one sense, yes. In another…”

  “They’re suffocating you.”

  She scoffed. “That sounds so ungrateful.”

  “It doesn’t,” Simon countered.

  “It does, and I am aware of that. They love me and want to help, but they can’t go through the grieving process for me.”

  “No, they can’t.”

  She glanced around the restaurant. “They want me to move back to St. Louis, but if I did, I’d let them push me into moving on the way they want me to. I need to find out what my life is now without worrying about what that means to anyone else.” She realized he likely thought she’d looped him into that. Perhaps she had without intending to, because one of the things weighing on her the last few weeks was worrying that she couldn’t fill the role he might want her to fill.

  Their conversation was interrupted by their waiter. They both requested sweet tea and then placed their orders. When their waiter disappeared, Simon rested his crossed arms on the table and stared at Carol with the same intensity that had shaken her all those years ago. Though his light brown eyes didn’t have quite the same impact as when she was stuck in a sad and lonely marriage, she couldn’t deny he comforted her soul simply by being there.

  Warmth filled Carol’s cheeks when she caught herself getting lost in his gaze like she used to. “I want to be upfront about something.”

  He grinned. “This isn’t a date.”

  She laughed lightly. “No, it’s not.”

  “I wasn’t trying to put our time together into that context.”

  “Even so,” she said, “I need you to know that I’m in a weird place right now, Simon. John showing up out of nowhere over the summer forced me to face a lot of things. This is more than just losing Tobias. I’m finally allowing myself to heal from losing Katie. I held on to that pain for a long time because I didn’t want to face how much it hurt. I don’t want you to feel like you have to save me again. You don’t. Even with Tobias’s loss, I’m stronger now than I was back then.”

  “I’m not trying to save you,” Simon gently said. “I just wanted to have dinner with you.”

  She smiled when he gave her a teasing grin. “Me too,” she said, “but I also want to be honest with you.” She glanced around at other diners, trying to find the right words. “I regretted that I let us get to a place where you…” Shaking her head, she forced herself to look at him. “I shouldn’t have let things go so far that you invested so much into a future I couldn’t give to you.”

  “That was my choice,” he said. “I knew you were in a bad place with John back then, and I know you’re grieving Tobias now. I’m not trying to pressure you into anything, Caroline. I apologize if it came across that way.”

  “It didn’t. But…we’ve been talking a lot lately, and I don’t want—”

  “You don’t want me to get the wrong idea of where this is headed,” he said, finishing her sentence.

  Embarrassment settled over her. “Yeah. That.” Carol gnawed at the inside of her lip as their waiter put their drinks on the table and let them know their meals would be ready soon.

  Once they were alone, Simon took a drink and then placed his glass aside. “I care about you,” he said. “Even when we lost contact for all those years, I wished you well. Now that our paths have crossed again, I’m enjoying getting to know who you are now. Maybe, someday, we can see if that takes us somewhere else, but for now”—he shrugged—“let’s enjoy where we are.”

  Carol considered his suggestion before nodding. “I hate how you always say the right thing.”

  His lips spread into a brilliant smile. “I can honestly think of worse traits for you to hate than that.”

  “Like?” she asked, glad he was changing the subject.

  He groaned as he sat back. “I’m terrible at recycling. I’d rather toss a can than clean the thing out and separate it into the right bin. I just rinse the jars and cans, toss everything into one container, and let someone else sort through them later.”

  Carol reared back as if he’d said something unfathomable. Pressing her hand to her chest, she widened her eyes at him. “How could you?”

  He lifted his hands as if he couldn’t explain himself. “I also wear my shoes in the house, which, according to my ex-wife, was why we couldn’t have nice things.”

  Carol laughed and then, without thinking, asked, “What was she like?”

  “My ex-wife? Too good for me. She was patient and kind. A wonderful mother. She wanted me to open a specialty clinic so I could have more normal hours and be more involved with her and our girls. I couldn’t do it,” he confessed. “I don’t know why I couldn’t do it. The crazy hours at the hospital were destroying our marriage. I knew that, but I couldn’t give up the job.”

  “Because your job was important,” Carol said.

  “Because being in the mix of things was addicting,” he countered. “You know as well as I do how the rush, the excitement, the unexpected gets under your skin. You don’t have that in a clinic. Clinics are calm, organized. Boring.”

  Carol shook her head. “That might have been part of it, but the biggest part was knowing you played a vital role in the care of those children. The hours were crazy, the job was draining, but what you did was important. And you knew that. You were brilliant at what you did, Simon.”

  She wasn’t simply blowing smoke to make him feel better. The thing that had stuck out to her all those years ago was the compassion he had for his patients. He was an amazing pediatric pulmonologist. He’d been considered one of the best in the region for a reason.

  “So were you,” he said softly. “I wish…” He glanced away and pressed his lips tightly together. He didn’t finish, but he didn’t have to. They’d talked so many times about how wonderful their lives would be once she went back to school and became a pediatrician like she’d planned. How exciting their careers would be once they were working together in that capacity. They’d had big plans. Plans she’d walked away from.

  “I couldn’t stay,” she said. That was all she had to say. He’d been there the night she’d reached her breaking point. He’d held her as she cried over the loss of her daughter. He’d seen how utterly destroyed she was.

  “You found the place you needed to be,” he said. “The family you needed to help you heal. I’m happy for you. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish things had been different.”

  “I think about that sometimes. But if things had been different, you wouldn’t have your daughters. You wouldn’t change a thing, Simon.”

  “I would change one thing,” he said as he gently gripped her hand, and she knew he meant Katie.

  She gave him a sad smile. “Yeah. One.”

  “But we can’t,” he continued, pulling his hand away, “and now you’re a vagabond and I’m a lackluster chief of staff.”

  “Lackluster?” she asked, following his lead in once again changing the subject. “I doubt that.”

  He shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not. But that doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m going to quit,” he stated.

  Carol lifted her brows, stunned by his announcement. “What… Why?”

  “I’ve decided to retire.”

  “Since when?”

  “Since I’ve had a few days away to think.” He winked at her. “I’ve been inspired to travel.”

&n
bsp; Carol shook her head. “Oh, no. Don’t you put this insanity off on me. You’re burned out. That’s not my fault.”

  “I’m so burned out,” he admitted. “I bought some acreage down south a few years ago and built a house surrounded by nothing but trees and wildlife. Being there is so peaceful. I swear, I can actually hear myself think when I’m there. I don’t have a million voices running through my mind, demanding to be heard. I used to go there a few times a year to get away, but I want to be there permanently. I want to surround myself with that kind of quiet so I can rest now.”

  “Sounds amazing.”

  “Have you rested yet?” he asked, and that hint of concern returned to his eyes. He might have been treading more lightly, but he clearly was as worried as Lara, Mary, and the rest of Carol’s family.

  Carol swallowed before shaking her head. “Not yet, but I’m getting burned out too,” she admitted. “Only in a different way. I’ve been trying so hard to find the right way to honor Tobias, and I just… I can’t seem to get it right, you know? But I’m tired too.”

  “Maybe you can visit me there sometime. I bet you’ll find the same kind of peace there that I have.”

  He pulled his phone from his pocket and, after a few taps and swipes, turned the screen so she could see the retreat for herself. A wraparound porch hugged a two-story log house with so many windows, the views would be visible no matter where someone was inside.

  Carol had fallen in love with the Ozarks when she and Tobias had honeymooned at a cabin close to trails to hike and caves to explore. The mountains and forests provided the type of adventures Carol preferred. She and Tobias had even tried their hands at rock climbing. They’d often talked about buying land in the area and building a getaway, much like the one Simon was showing her now. That was one of the many things she and her husband had put off doing for another time. Neither acknowledging, until it was too late, that maybe they wouldn’t have time.

  Simon swiped to another photo. “See that? Hiking for miles without another person in sight. It’s perfect.”

  A little twinge of jealousy struck her. She would love to have a place like that. Maybe when she finally decided she was ready to settle down, she’d try to find a few acres too. Sitting back, she chuckled. “Remember when I told you about that woman I met in Utah? She didn’t want to hike by herself in case she fell and needed help. You might want to take that into consideration before wandering into those woods alone.”

  “Nah. Survival of the fittest.” His smile spread as he changed the image. “This is the view from the back porch. Isn’t that amazing?”

  The house sat high enough on a peak that the deck overlooked an endless forest covering rolling hills. Though the picture was taken when the trees were filled with lush, green leaves, Carol pictured how they’d appear when the colors would be vibrant reds, yellows, and oranges.

  “Wow,” she whispered.

  Simon turned the screen to admire the photo himself. “Imagine staring out at that with your morning coffee.”

  “That’s amazing, Simon. I’m so happy for you. You’re going to love being there.”

  His face sagged the slightest bit. “Yeah. I’ll love being there more when I can get my kids to agree to visit me. Apparently, there’s not enough to keep them entertained. Being in the mountains is boring, they say. And by boring, they mean not enough restaurants and clubs and—”

  “Internet speed.”

  He pointed his finger at her. “Bingo. That’s the real problem.”

  She laughed. “That can be fixed.”

  Setting his phone aside, he said, “I like the quiet. Most of the time. I have to admit, though, sometimes after a long day, I miss having someone to talk to.” He grinned, looking a bit shy as he glanced at her. “I guess that’s why I’ve been harassing you so much these days. Chatting with you about my day is nice.”

  “It is,” Carol agreed. “Although, I confess, I just appreciate having someone who isn’t so vocal about their concerns for my welfare.”

  “I’m concerned,” Simon countered. “But I also respect that you’re an adult who can figure things out on her own.”

  “Oh. Well”—she toasted him with her tea—“I appreciate that too. You’re in a very small, select group of people. I think I got the point across to my sister-in-law today, but I’ll never convince most of my family.”

  Simon’s eyes shifted back to having a depth of concern. “You do understand why they’re worried, don’t you?”

  She focused on her glass, taking a moment to measure her words before meeting his gaze again. “Any discussion about my mental, physical, or emotional health is off the table. Okay? I have a therapist and an overbearing mother for those conversations.”

  He also took a moment. “Okay. Fair enough.”

  “Thank you.”

  Sitting back, he asked, “So, will you?”

  Carol cocked a brow at him. “Will I what?”

  “Visit me in the Ozarks? You can stay for as long as you want.” He chuckled when she simply stared at him. “There’s that dreaded silence again. You really have to learn to say no, Caroline.”

  “And you have to learn to quit throwing these crazy ideas at me out of nowhere.”

  “You used to like my crazy ideas.”

  She opened her mouth, ready to counter, but then snapped her lips shut as she recalled how intensely passionate—and, yes, crazy—their short affair had been. They’d taken a lot of risks that could have cost them both, more than they’d understood or allowed themselves to consider. “I was younger then.”

  Simon laughed heartily, making her smile.

  “Can I tell you a secret?” he asked as his amusement faded.

  She hesitated, not sure she wanted to hear what he had to say, but curiosity won out. “Yeah. Tell me a secret.”

  “The thing I missed most after you left was our talks. Don’t get me wrong, the rest was amazing,” he said, causing Carol to blush, “but I’ve never had such deep and honest conversations with anyone else. Not even my ex-wife. I miss that.”

  She understood exactly what he meant. Their relationship had been more than stolen kisses, flirty looks, and passionate sex. They’d related on a level much deeper than a simple physical connection. They’d shared an intellectual bond that she’d never had before.

  Simon may not have found another partner to share those moments with, but she’d managed to find a similar bond with Tobias. They’d spend hours delving deep into a topic, pulling things apart to better understand them. That kind of intimacy was underrated by a lot of people, which had made their connection even that much more special to her. The rarity of what she’d had with Tobias provided such a strong bond between them. That was likely why she felt such a bond with Simon, even though they hadn’t seen each other for decades until a few months before.

  Simon had said something that suddenly shone a light on the one thing she couldn’t figure out. Of course she missed her husband, of course she missed the life they’d built over the years, but suddenly, she understood the part of her grief she hadn’t been able to name before. She still had people to talk to. She was never without someone to call or someone calling her. What was missing was the depth Tobias had brought to their conversations. The exchanges she had now didn’t come close to reaching the depth she’d had with Tobias.

  That she’d once had with Simon.

  And that was the piece of her life that she’d been missing since losing her husband.

  Understanding dawned on her like the sun finally breaking through the clouds as a storm dispersed. The sudden clarity took her breath away.

  “Here we go,” their server said, disturbing the soul-baring moment that Simon had unwittingly instigated.

  Carol blinked back to the present as a steak and a heaping pile of steamed vegetables were set in front of her. She smiled her thanks and waited for the young man to leave before looking across the table.

  “I said the wrong thing again,” Simon commented once t
hey were alone.

  “Actually,” she said, “I think you said exactly what I’ve been needing to hear.”

  “I’m going to have to disagree, because you seem to be about to cry.”

  She shook her head and tried to find the words to express the whirlwind that had swept through her mind. “I know that I have to move on. I know I have to keep going, but there has been something holding me back, something that I couldn’t figure out that made me feel so…vacant inside. That’s it. That’s what I can’t let go of.” She sighed. She couldn’t believe how simple the answer was. “I miss having that connection to someone. That’s why I can’t let go of Tobias. That bond ran so deep.”

  “You were lucky to have that,” Simon gently said.

  “Twice,” she acknowledged. “I was lucky to have that twice.” Carol sat back and stared at the man across from her.

  Something heavy settled around them as the silence dragged on. Not awkward or uncomfortable, just intense. Everything that had ever passed between them had been intense. Now, however, she was smart enough to realize the ripple effects of the choices she made. She’d told Lara earlier that the last thing she wanted was to hurt Simon, and she’d meant that. Years had passed before she was able to see beyond the grief of losing Katie and the shame of cheating on John to fully understand how much she must have hurt Simon.

  Simon had loved her so much that he’d taken steps toward the future they’d dreamed up together. And she’d left him holding an empty bag. She’d been selfish and unfair and had undoubtedly broken his heart. He’d simply been too kind to tell her so.

  “Say it,” Simon quietly encouraged. “Whatever you’re thinking. Say it.”

  Carol inhaled deeply. “Leaning on you to get me to the other side of this would be incredibly easy. You’d probably let me because that’s who you are. But I can’t be that person again, Simon. I can’t count on you to carry me through my problems. I don’t want to hurt you like I did before, and I worry that if I let my guard down around you, we’re going to head that way.”