by Nicole Hart
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I mumbled to myself as I pulled into Sara’s driveway with Jackson’s words on repeat in my mind.
I threw my phone into the passenger seat and pressed my face against the steering wheel, trying to gather my composure before I saw Mama. I wasn’t sure if she would notice anything was wrong with me, but I didn’t want to take any chances.
I got out of the car and grabbed my keys and purse at the same time, and then double checked the handle to be sure it was locked.
“You okay?” The voice behind me caused me to jump and drop my keys to the ground.
“Shit! Jake, you scared the hell out of me.” My voice shook as I leaned down to grab the keys from the concrete.
“Sorry.” He chuckled, stabbing a small shovel into the dirt that lined the driveway.
“What are you doing?” I glanced at the dirt covering his shorts and T-shirt.
“Thought I’d plant some bushes. Your sister doesn’t think the outside looks ‘homey’ enough.” He rolled his eyes and used his fingers to make quotations.
“You’re a good husband,” I proclaimed and walked toward the house, leaving him to his work.
“What my baby wants, my baby gets.” He shrugged and started to dig in the dirt once more.
Thank God Sara had a good man in her life. I refused to be jealous of her happiness. I just wished things with Jackson hadn’t turned out the way they had. We used to be happy.
“Hey! I’m here!” I yelled, closing the front door behind me. The living room was empty, but the sound of the radio led me to the kitchen.
“Hey!” Sara’s bottom was poking out from the refrigerator. The counter was lined with all the things she’d removed.
“Need some help?” I asked, handing her the condiments as she lined them in perfect order according to color.
“Nah, I have a system.” She stared at the jars before grabbing them two at a time.
She always cleaned when she was stressed; it had been that way since she was a teenager.
“How’s Mama?” I glanced behind me at her door. It was open but no noise came from it.
“She’s been asleep most of the day. It’s been quiet.” She didn’t make eye contact with me as she organized the drinks on the top shelf.
“Are you okay?” I asked, handing her the sodas as she reached for them.
“That picture is just fucking with my head. This whole thing is fucked up. I wish he would’ve died that day. Why did someone have to find him?” She shook her head and bit the inside of her cheek.
“I’ve asked myself that same question so many times throughout the years.” I wished with everything inside of me that I could tell her what all had happened that day.
“Anyway, I don’t want to talk about him. I’m trying to distract myself. Obviously,” she said, holding up her cleaning spray.
“Well, Jackson thinks I’m cheating on him, and that’s what’s wrong with us.” I smirked and put my head in the palm of my hands with my elbows resting on the counter.
“Are you shitting me?” She cocked her left brow and shook her head with a small laugh.
“Nope.”
“So he’s taking zero responsibility?” The scowl on her lips caused me to laugh, although none of this was funny.
“I just don’t understand how he doesn’t see it.”
“Um, because he’s a drunk. Sorry, sis. But it is what it is.” She shrugged, and I couldn’t disagree.
She was exactly right.
Quiet whimpers woke me from my light sleep as I lay on the cot in Mama’s bedroom. I raised my head and looked in her direction. The soft nightlight in the corner illuminated her body as she sat straight up in her bed. Her body shook in the dim glow as I raced to be close to her side.
“Mama, Mama, wake up. It’s okay.” I wrapped my arms around her, trying to soothe her quiet sobs while my own heart broke in the process.
“Nnnnnn…” The tone whipped past her lips, causing me utter surprise at a simple sound.
“Mama, what is it?” It felt as though a word was trying to escape her mouth, and everything in me believed she was trying to speak.
“Mama, tell me. Talk to me,” I begged with tears streaming down my cheeks as I did my best to console her. I squinted, trying to adjust my eyes enough to get a clear view of her, and noticed her eyes were still closed.
“Mama, wake up.” I put both of my hands on her shoulders and turned my body to face her.
The whimpers stopped, her eyes fluttered open, and her breathing began to slow as she darted her eyes in different directions around the room.
“It’s me. It’s Rachel. I’m right here. You’re safe. Everything is okay.”
Her eyes grew wide and she began to shake her head as panic covered her face in the dim light.
“Shhh…it’s okay. Everything is okay.” I pulled her into my arms and began to rock while I waited for her to calm down before I let go. “What are you trying to tell me?” I whispered, almost to myself.
She wrapped her arms around me tightly and began to sway back and forth, but silence filled the room. I didn’t want to push her, but I felt like we were close to some sort of breakthrough—although, there was no way to know for sure. I just felt it. But I didn’t want to upset her, so I knew I had to let it be and just keep hoping for some sort of improvement.
After a few minutes, her breathing evened out and she slumped back onto her pillow. When I thought she had fallen asleep, I resumed my position on my cot after quietly scooting it closer to the bed. When I finally rested my head on my pillow, I felt her reach in my direction. I took her hand and allowed her to pull it close to her chest as she drifted off to sleep.
I decided to do the one thing I always relied on but was never sure I was actually heard. But when you feel hopeless, you have to stand by what you always tried to believe in. Who you always wanted to believe in.
Dear God, I began to pray silently.
I always wonder if You’re listening. I believe in You, I do. I’m just never sure You hear me. I know You’re busy, but I also know You’re mighty. And I need You now more than ever. I need Your help. I need You to protect Mama and Sara, and even me, if it’s not too much to ask. But if I have to choose, I choose them. Please, please keep them safe. Don’t let him near them. Please protect them. Please.
I’m sorry for what I did when I was a child. If leaving him there and not helping him was wrong, please forgive me. But don’t allow them to be punished for my mistakes. They don’t deserve it.
And I’m also asking You to help me with Jackson. If You can help him, please do. If I need to break free from him, please show me the way. I feel so lost sometimes, and I don’t know which way to turn. I feel guilty for the way I feel about him. I don’t want to hate him, but I don’t know how to stop my feelings.
Help me be better. Help me do better. Help me.
Please.
Amen.
A slight sense of peace washed over me as I felt my body sink into the thin mattress.
The morning sun shining through Mama’s window caused me to stir, waking me from a surprisingly peaceful sleep after her nightmare. I glanced over and saw she was still asleep and curled up to her pillow. Her face was calm and serene. I couldn’t help but smile at her serene glow as I silently scooted out of bed and walked into the kitchen. Sara was sitting at the table, staring into a cup of coffee.
“Morning,” I said quietly, my voice raspy.
“Morning,” she repeated, putting the steaming cup to her lips and nodding toward the empty cup sitting next to the pot.
“Thanks.” I gladly poured myself a cup, making it just the way I liked it before joining her at the sleek, black kitchen table.
“How’d she sleep?” she asked before taking another sip.
“She had a nightmare, but it passed pretty quickly,” I spoke and then allowed the liquid heaven to slide down my throat, giving me the instant gratification I craved to begin each day.
; “But…” I began before taking another drink, and Sara gave me her full attention. “I swear she tried to talk while she was still asleep. It seemed like she was trying to say “No” or something that started with an N. She just couldn’t get it out. But it was different than the usual whimpers and stuff. It was just…different.” I stumbled over my explanation, trying to make sense of what I was feeling.
“Hmm…” Sara bit the inside of her cheek and stared past me.
“What?”
“I think it happened the other night, too, but I just kind of blew it off and didn’t want to read too much into it. I’m not sure if she was awake, but it felt the same way.” She stared at me with wide eyes, and I was grateful for the recognition. I hadn’t imagined it, and I knew it was something.
“Maybe she’s making progress. I mean, this has to mean something. Right?” I shouldn’t get excited about something that might never amount to anything, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted her to speak so badly.
“I don’t know. I don’t want us to get our hopes up.” She knew that’s exactly what I was doing.
“Sometimes that’s all we have is hope.” I shrugged and pulled the steaming cup of coffee to my lips once again.
“Yeah,” she replied but then didn’t say another word about it.
I tucked my hope away in my heart and kept it there for safekeeping. Maybe it was for nothing. But maybe not. Where Mama was concerned, I wouldn’t give up on her.
I couldn’t.
“Oh my God, this weather is amazing.” Sara joined Mama and me on the patio while we enjoyed the cool and cloudy day.
“So much better than the heat.” I had to agree, glancing at Mama who ran her fingers over the light blanket draped across her legs.
The patio door slid open once more, and two people I didn’t recognize walked out.
“Hey, y’all!” Sara beamed, standing to her feet and giving the woman a quick hug and then a wave to the man who stood beside her.
“Hey, I love your house. It’s gorgeous.” The woman smiled, showing off a row of perfect teeth as she admired the backyard.
“Thanks, it’s a work in progress.” Sara brushed her compliment away, although she was right. Sara had an eye for design, and it definitely showed.
“I’m sorry, this is my sister, Rachel.” She pulled me to my feet and patted my back as she introduced us. “Rachel, this is Tasha.”
“Hi, it’s nice to meet you.” I shook Tasha’s hand and noticed her pristinely manicured nails and tattoos covering her left arm. They were feminine and colorful, full of flowers and soft designs. She was pretty and seemed like a badass all at the same time. I liked her immediately.
“Nice to meet you, too,” she replied with a smile that seemed so genuine I couldn’t help but give one back. “That’s David.” She laughed and pointed to her husband bent over the ice chest on the patio, pulling out a bottle of beer.
“Hey, nice to meet you.” He gave me a friendly nod with his beer in the air. He was covered in his own tattoos that peeked out from his short-sleeved shirt.
“Nice to meet you.” I gave him a wave and then watched as Tasha approached Mama.
“Hello there, Miss Johanna. It’s very nice to see you again.” She spoke softly and patted Mama on the shoulder, who simply gave her a shy smile before taking a sip of her iced tea.
“Hey, have a seat!” Sara insisted as she pulled a chair close to where we were. “Can I grab you some tea? Or we have bottled water in the ice chest? And beer for the cavemen. But there’s plenty.”
“I’ll just grab water, thanks,” Tasha replied and sat down in the chair next to me as the smell of burgers filled my senses, causing my empty stomach to rumble.
The next hour went by peacefully, and it was full of fun conversation and laughs. Tasha had a funny personality, and the guys gave us their best stories of the new set of recruits that had just finished boot camp.
I felt completely relaxed and was thankful for such a nice day.
“Hey, Sara, do you mind if I use your bathroom?” Tasha asked.
“You gotta piss in the yard, it’s good for the plants,” Sara joked. Tasha giggled, shaking her head just before she made her way through the patio and into the house.
Just as that door closed, the one leading into the backyard through the fence opened, and I knew letting my guard down would bite me in the ass. The gate slammed against the wood paneling with a thud. Jackson sauntered into the backyard, announcing his arrival, obviously drunk with a stumble to his step. He puffed his chest out defensively anyway, his fists clenched at his sides.
“Shit,” Sara hissed as she stood to her feet defensively.
I could tell by the expression on his face he was on a mission to make me miserable, and I didn’t want Mama to witness it. “Will you take Mama inside, please?” I jumped out of my chair and started to walk quickly in Jackson’s direction, but I didn’t make it there before he approached Jake and David.
“Come on, Mama. Let’s go inside for a minute,” I heard Sara behind me, and the sliding of the glass door gave me a little reassurance that at least Mama was out of sight.
“Jackson,” I whispered through gritted teeth as I approached the three of them.
“What’s up, man?” Jake acknowledged my husband but gave me a quick glance, questioning his next move.
“Is this him?” The hateful tone of Jackson’s voice caused my insides to tremble.
I didn’t want to deal with him. Not here. Not like this. Not in front of other people. Humiliation crept up on me.
“Excuse me?” David crossed his arms defensively, his broad shoulders straightening.
“Shit.” Worry coursed through my veins, unsure of what was going to happen next. I didn’t know this David guy, and he sure didn’t know Jackson. This had the potential to turn horrible, fast.
“Are you fucking my wife?” Jackson snarled at David and then took a few steps closer.
David met him in the middle, but luckily, Jake leaped between them.
“Woah, woah. I don’t think so, Jack. This shit isn’t happening.” Jake pressed the palm of his hand against Jackson’s heaving chest. Then he glanced at his friend on the other side of him who appeared confused but ready to attack Jackson at the same time. “Just hold up, David.”
“Jackson, stop it. What are you doing?” I grabbed his elbow, attempting to pull him away from the conflict, but he jerked his arm out of my grasp, and part of me just wanted to let them go at it.
“Don’t fucking lie to me, Rachel. I’m not stupid.” His words ran together, but his eyes burned into mine, as if he loathed me.
“What the hell is going on?” Tasha’s voice was followed by the sound of approaching footfalls in the grass until she stood directly beside me.
“I’m sorry.” The confession rolled off my lips, and I almost began to cry from embarrassment alone. I glared at my husband, wanting to punch him in the face. “Jackson, this is Tasha and David, they’re friends of Sara and Jake. You need to stop.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me.” He moved a little closer to me, and I was unsure if it was even on purpose, since his balance was unsteady.
“Why don’t I take you home, Jack,” Jake offered and gave me a quick, wide-eyed glance.
“No, I’ll do it,” I conceded. I wanted him out of here, but I knew he couldn’t drive. It was a shock he even made it here. And it wasn’t fair for Jake to leave his company to take my drunk husband home.
“I don’t mind,” Jake offered, staring at me until I finally made eye contact with him.
“I know. But I got it. I’ll deal with him.”
“Are you sure?” The worry in his voice was unmistakable.
“I’m positive,” I mumbled before turning my attention to Jackson.
“Let’s go. I’ll take you home.” I wrapped my fingertips around the crook of his arm, and surprisingly, he followed without much hesitation or giving me any trouble.
“I’ll help you,” Jake offered, a
ssisting me with holding up Jackson—he became more unsteady by the second. My hand shook around his thin arm, and I had to beg the tears not to fall.
Once Jackson was safely in the passenger side of my Honda, his eyes were already fluttering closed and his mouth hung loosely open. I slammed the door and turned away from him to face Jake.
“Are you sure you want to take him? I really don’t mind.” His compassion made me want to break down, but I refused to allow it.
“No, I’ll do it. I’m so embarrassed right now, I don’t even want to be around anyone,” I blurted out the truth before I could stop my words.
“Nah, don’t sweat it.” He shook his head and set his sympathetic eyes on me, but my attention drifted over his shoulder when I noticed Sara speed walking out the front door.
“Are you okay?” she asked as her eyes darted between my unconscious husband slumped over in my car and me.
“I’m fine. I’m taking him home. I’ll call you.” I turned my back to both of them with sheer humiliation coursing through my veins. I needed to get away from here.
“Love you.” Even with the car running, I heard her words. And if I hadn’t, the way her eyes drooped and her shoulders sagged would have told me what she said. I was just thankful she had Jake with her, and when he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him, I knew it was okay to leave. She’d be okay.
“Love you, too,” I mouthed and put the car in reverse, praying he didn’t wake up.
He could sleep his drunken stupor off in my car for all I cared. I just wanted him away from here.
The weekend passed smoothly—although, silence filled the walls of our home most of the time. When Jackson made his way into the house early Sunday morning—finally sober enough to crawl out of my car—I rolled over and faced the other direction, unable to look at him.
He didn’t wake up until early afternoon, which was fine by me, but the second he stumbled out of the room, he asked where his truck was, and I just knew the rest of my day would be ruined. I told him it was still in my sister’s driveway, but he didn’t seem to have any recollection of the day before or how it’d even gotten there. He simply stared at me with confused, narrowed eyes, and then walked away.