He came around and wiped my thighs for me. There was something feral in his stare, as if he wanted to rub his scent all over my body, and stake a predatory claim on me. The more I thought on it, the more it thrilled me. The electricity between us flared as we stared at each other. In that moment, I had no doubt we were synced. We belonged to each other.
“There’s no competition,” he said bluntly.
The knocking started up again, and our moment broke apart. The reality of our situation set in. We weren’t together.
“I said, I’m coming,” Jonas barked out. His eyes glimmered and his voice softened. “We’ll talk later.”
He trashed the cloth and put back on his tuxedo jacket, moving to the door and unlocking it. Melissa filled the doorway and our eyes met. The disgust on her face amplified the shame on mine.
She curled her lips upward. “We’re assembled in the gold room with club members. I’m sure your visitor here will understand and remain here. Well, this is Daddy’s room. Perhaps she can—”
“Enough,” Jonas said.
Melissa barred her teeth in what I supposed could be thought of as a smile. “Alright. I’m right outside.”
She moved away from the door. Jonas also started moving away, only to turn at the gap.
“You can stay here,” he said with authority.
I shook my head. “I’m leaving.” I could tell from his facial expression that he was conflicted. “I’ll be fine. Go.”
He winked at me and turned away. I hunched my shoulders. Ian stepped up next to him outside in the hall. He looked past Jonas to me, and our eyes connected. All he needed to know was there. My skin flamed and I adjusted my dress.
Ian eyed Jonas coolly. “We’ll talk later.”
“Looking forward to it,” Jonas said, strolling off with Melissa at his side without a backward glance.
I buried my face in my hands. Did he have sex with me out of rivalry or because he cared for me? If he cared, he wouldn’t have been so adamant on re-establishing the boundaries of his companionship agreement. The sound of the door clicking closed stopped my thoughts cold. Ian was there, but I wasn’t ready to face him. What was the etiquette for having sex with your ex on a date? This was a low, beyond anything I had thought possible of me.
“I’m sorry. I….”
“I don’t blame you,” Ian said. “I blame Jonas.”
The couch dipped next to me.
“You should blame me. I didn’t consider your feelings. I…We….”
I didn’t know what to say.
Ian lightly tilted my head towards his and our eyes met. What I found on his face wasn’t malice, which was a relief. But there was something else there that perplexed me. The look held an intimacy that we hadn’t experienced together. My mind offered up numerous reasons he might have that look, but none I wanted to comprehend this evening. All I wanted was to be away from the gala and to be by myself to think.
My bottom lip quivered. “I’d like to go home, please.”
Ian tucked my hair behind my ears. “Yes. I think that’s for the best.”
CHAPTER 7
The darkness of the night covered my guilt-ridden face. I sat static for the ride back to Jersey City. My borrowed dress, now stained and tucked close to my body, was low on my list of worries, though Natasha wouldn’t think so. My thoughts were as blurry as the traffic speeding past the windows, but I was not so far gone that I didn’t feel Ian staring at me. Ever the gentleman, he had insisted on seeing me home. He was honoring my silence, too, and that made it worse.
I knew Ian liked me, and that hadn’t stopped me. No matter how I tried to pacify my conscience by telling myself I had attended this event with Ian as a friend; we were on a date—a fact even Jonas pointed out to me, but I had chosen to ignore. I behaved awful to a man that hadn’t shown me anything but support and kindness.
When it came to Jonas, all reason left me. Being with him intimately felt right in my heart. I was without a doubt in love with him, but Jonas didn’t feel the same way about me. He wanted me surely, but as a friend with benefits. He sexually reclaimed me after seeing me with Ian. The more my mind went over this line of thought, the more I believed he’d taken advantage of me by being intimate with me, knowing my heart was at stake.
I gave in because I wanted him. My eyes stung in this realization. Ian reached over and clasped my hand. I looked at him, finding empathy and understanding reflected back at me.
He went even further by saying, “Your feelings are what I’m upset with Jonas about, not you having sex with him. You care deeply for him. You may even be in love with him. I know this, but he chooses not to see.”
I let out a sob and Ian moved over in his seat and put his arm around me as I cried. I cried for Ian too. He was a good man and I had hurt him. Something was definitely wrong with me. He just whispered soothing words and stroked my back all the way back to Jersey City.
The car stopped moving and the door was ajar when Ian held out his hand to help me climb out.
My conscience attacked me again. Averting my eyes as I stepped onto the sidewalk, I said, “I apologize for behaving inappropriately as your date for this event. But I also want to apologize for causing problems between you and Jonas.”
“We’ll recover,” Ian said as he walked me to the door of my building. “I’m more worried about you.” He faced me. “I wasn’t lying when I said what you did tonight didn’t upset me. You’re in love with Jonas—”
“I don’t know…I don’t know what to say,” I said and rubbed my arms.
He smiled wistfully. “Okay. You don’t deny it.”
I couldn’t. Not anymore.
We walked inside, and he rode the elevator with me up to my door. I turned to him in the doorway.
“Thank you, Ian. I’m sorry anyway. I don’t want to lose you as…a friend.”
He smiled. “You haven’t lost my friendship. But think about tonight. And if I can be selfish for a minute, think about me. We have things in common, and in time we may find out a lot more about each other. I like you, Lily, and I’d like to see you.”
I didn’t understand why Ian still wanted me. He was right about our love of science fiction. He was kind and respectful regarding my issues with Declan. Still, I wasn’t emotionally ready. I still wanted Jonas.
“I’m not past my feelings for Jonas. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”
Something else was bothering me and I met his eyes again. “Why aren’t you upset about what I did with Jonas?”
Ian’s gaze was pointed. “I don’t think sex defines a relationship. I would have rather you didn’t tonight, but I understand and as I said before I blame Jonas.”
My lips parted. “It’s not all his fault.”
“I also understand why Jonas lost his head tonight at the idea of me touching you. Anyone touching you…You’re special, Lily.”
I gave him a confused look. Lost his head? I didn’t see that, but Ian knew him better. My cheeks burned, too.
“Having sex in a small room in the middle of a fundraising affair he was still working at isn’t Jonas’s style. Trust me. He lost his head,” Ian said. His hand trailed down the side of my face. “So lovely,” he said. “I’d love to get to know you better, Lily. It must be extraordinary to know you intimately.”
I dropped my gaze from the darkness in the expression on his face, and I held in my breath. I didn’t know how to answer, as what he was saying was well beyond where we had reached together. I didn’t get a chance to ponder much more, though. Ian grabbed my hair tight and tilted my head back to him. He covered my lips with a kiss. He delved his tongue between my lips. Wow. He was going for broke. His kiss was skilled and demanding, and I found myself shockingly returning it.
What was I doing? I moved my head back and Ian let go, easing his hand from my hair, releasing me. I stood there, wide-eyed and panting, unable to say anything.
His eyes were dark as they gazed deeply into mine. “Thank you for that,” h
e said softly. “That’s a little taste of what you’d experience with me. I would give you time to heal, should you decide to move beyond Jonas. That’s something I would never pressure you to do. I deal with things I see, and I told you what I believed true. Melissa’s intentions are clear, but Jonas’s, as you are aware, are not. I am, though. I’m here and available.”
He didn’t wait for an answer, just turned and walked away.
Ignoring the chiming of my phone, which was in my clutch bag that had slipped to the floor, I stared after Ian as he strolled down the hall to the elevator. When the doors opened, he turned back around to me. I felt a flutter go through me at the bright smile he gave. He touched his lips and disappeared as the doors closed.
I touched my own lips and closed my door as well. Why did I let him do that? Bending down, I opened my clutch and removed my phone. There was missed call and a text message from Jonas.
The interviews took a while and I’m sorry I didn’t come back as quickly as I wanted to. I understand why you left. Call me back and we’ll talk.
My heart leapt. I was ready to dial his number when I was interrupted by the sound of wailing. Natasha?
I ran down the hallway, past my room to her bedroom door. I had my hand on the knob and froze as my ears caught a lower toned yelp and the surprise music of…easy listening? I covered my mouth to suppress my laughter. Natasha had been my roommate for almost a year, and she had never brought someone back to visit, let alone stay over. She was too embarrassed of the décor and the fact that she wasn’t living in Manhattan.
Natasha’s boyfriend Ari making it inside the loft and her bedroom here was a huge step forward for her. Although, I knew their relationship was “complicated,” as he was supposedly in the process of getting a divorce from his wife. According to Natasha, this process had been going on for over a year, but she told me she didn’t mind. In fact, she often gloated about being the other woman, something I had looked my nose down at before I found myself in the weird status of being a semi-kept companion of Jonas. This status didn’t sit well with me, but actually made her think better of me. A little.
Ridiculously tip-toeing away, I headed back to my door. I frowned as I pushed it open and found all the lights turned on in my room. Didn’t I turn them off? A bit of annoyance gripped me. Natasha must have come in and left the lights on. Though, in all the months of knowing her, she had never done that before. She never had Ari over for a night, either. My eyes further scanned the room and I noticed the duvet was up on one side. Was she looking for an extra pillow? I used to put them there before we had agreed to put them in the hall closet. I exhaled long and let it go as I went about preparing for bed.
After cleaning up and changing for bed, I knew I put off long enough calling Jonas back. I quickly dialed his number.
“Hello?”
I recognized the voice and eyed the time. Melissa was answering his phone at midnight?
“Hi, Melissa. I’d like to speak to Jonas,” I said.
“He’s busy and we’re going to bed,” Melissa said.
My stomach lurched. We’re? “Oh. Uh. Please let him know I returned his call,” I replied vacantly.
“Do you think that’s wise? I mean, you left and were all over his frenemy, Ian.”
“Ian’s not Jonas’s friend?” I said, surprised.
“Jonas thinks they are, but he doesn’t have many real friends. After tonight, I bet he won’t have much to do with Ian. Most of his friends are business friends. People he has to work with professionally. Now he has the embarrassment of you muddying their relationship. I mean, seriously, what were you thinking?”
“I…I.” I had no words.
“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him. Bring him back up after another betrayal. That’s what I do. He used sex with you to cope and control everything around him.”
It didn’t feel that way. We both wanted and sought each other, or so I thought.
She continued, “It was a bit desperate, but I understand you have nothing and no one. Jonas told me as much, but I need you to help him now. Be a friend and stop trying to ruin all the progress he’s made since Dani left him. Let him go, and give him the chance to find someone willing to not be so self-absorbed. Someone to be with him in the way he needs.”
“I…I didn’t think,” I stuttered over and over into the phone, which was now disengaged.
The sting of her words echoed through my brain and pureed my heart. I didn’t even think of, or consider, how Jonas might feel about the mixed signals I gave to him. I did indeed break things off with him over the phone, then showed up at a dinner with his friend Ian, whom I had told him once I wasn’t interested in.
I was self-absorbed and unwilling to compromise. After all, Jonas had shared the pain he experienced with his mother’s illness, and his father’s bitterness—how alone he was and his need to control the boundaries of his relationships to protect himself from the pain he experienced at the end of his marriage. Would I have preferred he lied, used, and dumped me?
I was alone in my love for him, but in a way Jonas was alone with me, too. He gave what he was willing to give, but without feelings. He wasn’t hiding this from me, but I was hiding what happened to me from him.
I should leave him alone. He deserved, and could easily get, better than me—someone of his…class.
My worry quickly went to self-loathing and caused bile to rise in my throat. I ran across the hall and emptied my stomach. I brushed my teeth, then numbly shook a couple of sleeping pills into my hands and took them.
CHAPTER 8
My alarm went off the next morning, pulling me from a deep and dreamless sleep. The fog of the sleeping pills clung to me, and when I opened my eyes, the sunlight through the glass of my floor to ceiling windows temporarily blinded me. I wiped my eyes a few times and rolled over towards the side of the bed closest to the window. I pulled my sluggish limbs to a standing position, making my way over to close the blinds. Last night’s gala and Jonas came back to mind.
Last Night. I couldn’t believe all that had happened last night. I had sex with Jonas, though we were supposed to be over. I kissed my new friend Ian back who probably heard me yell as I climaxed with Jonas on our date. My parents would roll over in their grave if they knew their daughter could behave so licentiously.
On the other hand, I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do. Jonas was, and still remained, everything I wanted in my life. I wanted him on my terms, though. And as Melissa so willfully pointed out, I wasn’t willing to compromise to keep him. Why won’t I compromise? Would giving myself to him be such a bad thing? Maybe in time he would grow attached to me. Maybe in time he would fall madly head over heels in love with me.
I puckered my brows as I tried to work this through in my head and make up my bed at the same time. Jonas wanted a mutual arrangement, though his actions were far from impersonal in his quest for intimacy. How could he possibly not see that or how much his actions affected me? And was I thinking about how my pushing him away affected him? Were we both too selfish?
I needed advice So, I decided to call Mary, who was overdue an update from me. I smoothed the duvet in place, then picked up my phone to call her. She answered on the third ring.
“Lily…I’m.” Her voice broke.
This woke me up out of my haze. “What’s wrong?”
“Hans and I had a fight. I caught him with his skanky teaching assistant. I’m behind on all my papers and two are worth thirty-five percent of my term grade. If I fail, I can kiss my Ph.D. goodbye.” She started sobbing.
I sat down on the bed. Hans and Mary had a somewhat open relationship, which I knew Mary had taken advantage of in the past so I knew that wasn’t actually what was upsetting her. Her academic career was what I knew to be the true source of her distress.
“What can I do to help?”
“Please, could you come to Somerville? I can’t get my papers done.” She gulped.
“Yes. Of course I’ll co
me. I’ll have to ask Gregor for a couple days off. We can do one of our old power sessions,” I said as I walked over to my closet and pulled out a pair of denim jeans from my dresser. “I’ll try to take a bus or train. So, seven to eight hours?” I bit my lip.
“Okay.” She sniffed. “Would you bring your sociology research paper and syllabus from Dr. York’s class with you? Oh, and bring your papers from history and anthropology. Maybe email them to yourself and we can take a look when you get here. Oh, just bring your laptop, but get the research syllabi for sure, please.”
The corner of my mouth turned up. “Okay,” I said, pulling one sleeve out of my t-shirt. “Anything else?”
“No. But I’ll send you a text if I come up with anything else….” I could hear her sniffle. “I appreciate you coming out here. I know it’s hard for you to be here, after….” The implication of my parents’ death hung in the air, but went unmentioned. “I would have come down, but I have all this around me and I’m so upset. I….”
“Stop. Mary, you’re my best friend. I’m there.” I choked, my conscience bringing up Declan’s recent attack. I had to tell her. “I need to talk to you, too.”
“Oh. Something happen? I’m sorry for being so selfish. I didn’t even ask,” Mary replied.
I swallowed. “No, but yes…We’ll have at least a few days to talk about everything.”
“Okay. Give me a call or text the details. I can come and pick you up,” Mary offered.
“Thanks, Mary. And don’t worry. We’ll get it all done and have time to watch a movie or two.”
We laughed and hung up. I immediately dialed Gregor, but received his voicemail. I left a message requesting Monday and Tuesday off. Since I hadn’t taken off time in a long while, I didn’t think it would be too much, especially since he had offered a week off after he found out about my attack.
My stomach turned over as I thought about Declan, seeing him on the street, snarling at me. I started contemplating his lack of remorse, and that made me feel worse. I tried to push the thoughts aside and started packing for my trip to Boston.
Tiger Lily: Part Two Page 6