I turned to her and from her expression it was as if our short time together had been erased and we were being introduced.
“Lily. Lily Salomé,” I said and cleared my throat. “I’m a friend of your son, Jonas.”
She stared off and then turned back to me with a beaming smile.
“Lily. Oh, yes. Lily. You’re beautiful.”
Her smile slipped off her face as the door opened, and in walked Jonas and Brenda. He had his air of authority, but there was also something guarded.
His eyes shone. “Hello, Mom. It’s Jonas.”
My heart constricted as I found his voice so similar to that of a child.
Her face contorted into a snarl. “Get the hell out of here, Mathias,” she gritted. “I don’t want you here. I don’t want to ever see you again. I told you, I don’t love you. I’m in love with Shaun. We’re leaving you and your son.”
My heart tumbled to the floor as I looked at Jonas. His head fell forward. I rushed over and grabbed his hand. I tugged his arm as Brenda eased over to Joselyn, blocking her view of Jonas, as she attempted to soothe her.
“Now, Joselyn. You know that’s not Mathias. That’s your son, Jonas.”
“Tell Shaun he came back here,” she demanded. “Go back to your whores. Don’t come back here,” she yelled out.
Once we were outside his mother’s suite, I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist and rubbed his back.
“I’m fine,” Jonas assured me on his third try. I didn’t listen, just held on. “She doesn’t know what she’s saying.”
He pressed his head against mine, and my heart wept for him.
“Oh, the prodigal son decides to come by.”
I turned and saw the older version of the young reddish-brown haired boy from the photos. His face had the similar handsome, chiseled structure to Jonas’s, but that was where the similarities ended. His navy suit was tailored, though he was stocky and at least a foot shorter than Jonas, whom I thought was at least six foot one. His eyes, which were similar in color to his mother’s brown eyes, were squinting at us. His mouth twisted in a grimace.
“My brother, Vincent,” Jonas announced. He released me and straightened. “We are finished with our visit.”
“Can’t handle a little bit of reality?” Vincent asked.
Jonas started moving us past him when he grabbed his arm.
“Run away and leave the real work behind. Leave your poor, sick mother,” Vincent sneered.
“Release him,” I hissed.
His anger shifted to me, but he let Jonas go, and stepped back.
“She was cruel to him, and hysterical,” I said. “He had to leave so she would calm down.”
“She wouldn’t be that way if he came around more often,” Vincent started up again. “Instead, he avoids her all the time—”
“I don’t recall Jonas mentioning your extensive study in dementia. You’re a doctor? Scientist? I didn’t know you studied brain chemistry. Or are you some kind of healer? Give us a cure, you self-righteous jerk,” I said between clenched teeth.
Vincent’s eyes widened and he stood there stunned for a few seconds as his hand slipped off Jonas. His face reddened.
“Who the hell are you to tell me…?”
I jutted my chin. “I just did.”
I turned to Jonas and his mouth opened. “This is Lily.”
I held out my hand and he took it, though I think we both knew there was nothing pleasant about this shake. We then walked over to the elevator and I pressed the button.
“We’re leaving,” I said.
Once we were inside, I deflated. I didn’t know what had come over me. I just couldn’t stand by and watch him crush Jonas’s spirit. All I knew was that I wanted to stop his pain.
My cheeks warmed in embarrassment. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what had come over me.”
A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. “That was the best visit I’ve had in years. Thank you, little tiger. Or should I say lioness?”
I smirked, but didn’t say anything. He was right. I did feel extra protective of him. He tucked me against his side and we walked together out of the building, my thoughts as certain as my heart. Jonas Crane belonged to me.
“Is she always like that, Jonas?” I asked.
He blinked. “No. At times she thinks I’m Mathias and we just married. Other times, she doesn’t remember anyone.”
I wrapped my arm around his waist and we walked together, outside to the car that was parked out front. Once we got inside, Jonas sat still. An uneasiness settled between us. I didn’t understand how I could feel so close one minute and so far away in the next. I was unclear what had changed, but as the minutes went on, my stomach soured. As were my thoughts.
“We should have lunch before we go to your friend’s home,” Jonas said. “How about Thai? There is a nice Thai restaurant nearby.”
I licked my lips. “I want to talk about something. Our companionship. I’d like to try again,” I blurted.
His eyes glimmered and he interlaced his fingers with mine. “I don’t think that’s possible, not with how we feel about each other. I have feelings for you, but I’m not ready for more. My life is my work and family. I travel and I can only do short stays in New York. With my book being published, possibly next year, I have a lot more promotional engagements, which will take me away even longer.”
“I understand that,” I said. “We discussed as much before. I didn’t mean to put a demand on your time. I had too many expectations. We have only been together a short while. I didn’t realize that until now. I want to try and compromise.”
“You shouldn’t have to compromise. I was being selfish when I can see so clearly that you….”
He let the words die, but we both knew what he was having a hard time saying. I knew in my heart that I had fallen in love with him. I had formed an attachment in a way that blossomed out of our intimacy and moved on to wanting a more secure commitment, something he wasn’t ready or willing to give me. I stared at him, and saw his struggle. As well as the resolve. He was letting me go. My mouth went dry as my face jumped, unable to settle as everything fell apart.
“I wasn’t sure until now. I regret hurting you. It was something I was concerned about from the beginning, but I was too selfish to not have taken you for myself. I’m too much like my father.”
Jonas’s hands trembled as he collected a cloth and started wiping my face.
My lip quivered. “You’re nothing like your father.”
Not from what he had shared, what I’d read about him, or even what his mother said in the nursing home.
When I continued, my voice was just above a whisper. “Let me try.”
But looking at him, I knew that wasn’t going to happen.
“Try not to care?” Jonas said softly. “Impossible. Your heart isn’t made that way. I’m selfish. I’m used to things going my way in my life. I oversee all that happens and control its flow. That’s how I survived and made things work for me. Relationships have to fit into what I have to give and that’s not what you need. I want to do the right thing for you.”
I swallowed hard, unable to answer. My mind played over what Melissa had warned me of before. Jonas had needs, too. Needs that outweighed what I wanted from him. Being with me would only make him feel out of control and lost again. I needed to get myself together.
“I don’t want you out of my life, and friendship is better for us right now,” Jonas said to me, and himself, I supposed.
I shook. My mind reached out and held on to “right now” for a sliver of hope to wrap up my heart that was breaking apart. I didn’t care about my tears. I didn’t want to care about anything.
“Lily, please,” Jonas pleaded. “Don’t cry. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still your friend, and I will be that forever. Whenever you need me, I’m here.”
He kissed my lips again and again and I let him, tasting the saltiness of my tears as he tried to coax me to calm.
“Try
for our friendship,” he said. “Promise me.”
“I promise,” I was incoherent.
Even though I promised, I didn’t see the possibility. I loved him. Couldn’t he see that? Didn’t he care? What-ifs played through my mind as this incredible man I loved was moving out of my life. What-if I had agreed last night, would we be making love right now? Making love. I loved him and wanted his love back.
“We are pulling up to the Thai restaurant,” Jonas said.
I shook my head. “I’ll eat at Mary’s. Please, I just want to go now.”
Jonas gave me a look as if he wanted to argue, but he didn’t. That was when I knew for certain that he had already left me.
We made it to Mary’s in record time. Part of me thought David must have sensed the urgency and drove like the Devil was behind him down the highway until he reached her apartment in Somerville. I pulled out my phone to text her once we reached her street so that she would meet me at the gate. The three-story Victorian house was a bit of a commute for Mary to Boston College, but it was less expensive than living in Chestnut Hill, though she had to make extra time to drive and park for her burgeoning course schedule. While plowed, the snow was heavier in Massachusetts.
Our silence was tense. There wasn’t anything left to say between us. Jonas had let me go, and the more we stayed in each other’s company, the harder it would be. I wanted to argue and state a case against his decision, but I realized that wasn’t fair to him. I wasn’t enough for him. I had thought as much myself.
As the car pulled up, the front door of the house opened and out came Mary. I smiled despite everything. Mary was in her “no-fuss-academic crunch attire” that consisted of a red tank top a few shades lighter than her hair, which was all atop her head in a messy ponytail. Her flannel pajama bottoms were red with cows all over them. She had on her cow slippers so she matched, I thought in amusement. Her horn-rimmed glasses covered her pale green eyes that I was willing to bet were squinting.
I climbed out and she came down the stairs, her lush mouth agape, but she quickly recovered and jutted her pointy chin. No sign of distress, as I suspected. She bounded down to us, her arms wide. I closed the distance and gave her a hug.
“Good lord, Lily. Are you eating?” she griped.
I hugged her back. “Plenty.”
We broke away and she held her hand out to Jonas, who took it with one of his winning smiles that worked one out of her, too.
“Mr. Jonas Crane,” Mary said. “Nice to meet you. Would you care to come in for some homemade pizza?”
“Nice to meet you, Mary. I wish I could, but I will have to decline. I need to get back to New York,” Jonas said.
She looked between us, and slowly nodded.
“Okay. I’ll just take your bags, Lily, and look through them for the papers. Nice to meet you too, Jonas,” Mary said, walking over to David to collect my bags.
When she moved back up to the house, I turned back to Jonas. My heart constricted at the troubled look on his face.
“I’m still here. I’ll always be here for you. Call me and let me know how you are and I’ll do the same,” Jonas said.
I gave a quick nod, not necessarily trusting my voice, and sucked in air.
“Would you give me a smile I can take with me?” he asked, his eyes watery.
I swallowed hard and smiled through the tears stinging my eyes again. He wiped my cheeks. The thought of never seeing him again weighed heavily on me, and I felt sure this might be my only chance to tell him my feelings.
“I love you, Jonas.”
My voice sang out, and hung in the air. I squeezed him tight, then ran up to the house, not stopping to look behind me.
CHAPTER 10
I closed the door behind me and rested my back against it. I longed to settle my heart, which was trying to escape my ribcage. I told Jonas Crane that I loved him, after he told me he was letting me go. Pain seared my chest at the thought of being let go right when I was ready to compromise. Jonas said he didn’t want to hurt me, but it was too late. I was crushed.
My conscience decided to berate me for my cowardice in running off after telling him. But what would I have faced if I remained? He had ended things between us, so all he had to offer was not saying he loved me back. That, and a dose of pity, neither of which my heart was ready to face.
Therefore, I decided my telling him was an act of bravery. Or so I assured myself as I turned to peek through the small row of glass windows running the length of the doorframe, looking to see if the car was still there. No. It was gone and so was Jonas. Tears stung my eyes as I crumbled to the floor. Once again, I was heartbroken. Once again, I wasn’t enough for the man I loved.
“Oh, Lily.” Mary was suddenly in front of me, sinking down on the floor next to me. “What did your gorgeous businessman do? You both looked like lost puppies.”
My sob turned into a laugh, but began crying again. This prompted her to quickly dash for tissues to help mop me up. When I really gave myself to crying, it wasn’t pretty. I was a blotchy-faced, nose-running, mouth-dripping nightmare. With this amount of crying, Mary understood the cause. She recalled a similar collapse when she came to visit me after Declan had dumped me. So she waited there patiently for me to empty myself out, offering sympathetic words and a few pats and rubs on my back. Once I had passed the hiccupping stage, I was ready to share my woes with her. Never mind that I was technically here to help with her problems.
I really was self-absorbed. Before my mind could take over the self-loathing tape, I launched into a brief synopsis of my romantic life.
Jonas broke-up with me, though we weren’t really seeing each other,” I said hoarsely. “He had an epiphany that came to him after we had mind blowing sex yesterday, he decided that I had become too attached to him, and he wasn’t ready for more. He took me to visit his mother in the nursing home, which was just heartbreaking. Then….”
I gulped in air. Mary let me collect myself again and I continued. “He gave me the ‘I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness’ speech,” I said, surprising myself at how far into bitterness I had reached. But with Mary’s “you go girl” scowl on her face, I went further into that space. “He won’t stand in the way, just so long as my happiness isn’t derived from dating his friend Ian, who I kissed last night on our date at a gala event.”
Mary looked befuddled and I realized I was rambling now, so I decided to skip our conversation to the bottom line. “I got too clingy, just as you warned me. I went against our agreement and fell in love with him. I couldn’t help myself. When I’m with him, it’s the most intense connection I have ever experienced. It’s intimate, romantic. He’s demanding, but so loving. I love him. I just told him so….”
I was back to lovey-dovey, and that got me an empathic look from Mary.
“I said those things to you because he’s only the second guy you’ve ever been with. You spent such a short period of time together, and he told you upfront he wanted a casual, sexual friendship. I just…I wasn’t sure you would ever be up for that. And I think you knew that all along, as well,” Mary said bluntly.
My mouth opened and closed. I didn’t want to argue. That was Mary, no nonsense when she decided there were logical conclusions available to offer insight into a situation. Perhaps I needed a dose of reality.
She stood up and offered her hand. I clasped it and she tugged me to my feet.
“Let’s talk more over lunch,” Mary said
She moved away from me and made a jaunt toward her small kitchen to attend to what my nose had deduced was a burning homemade pizza.
I removed my shoes and looked around where I stood. The space was small, as most converted Victorian homes in this area of Boston were, with a combination living room and dining area. It had the pretty fireplace, some of the original crown molding, and elegant light fixtures, but that was where the charm ended. Four tall bookcases dominated the space, packed with books and enough kitsch to make a grandma raise a brow, or
so I imagined. Being the only living relative of both my parents’ lines left me with only TV shows as a reference. Her small, old-fashioned twenty-inch TV was on, playing what I thought to be a documentary, though the volume was turned down. I supposed it was part of her studying by osmosis. The small fabric couch, chair, and rug, were littered with more books and papers. Her dining area was no less cluttered. She had it set up like an office with a desktop computer, printer, and papers stacked and organized on top of her small, round table. It all reminded me that Mary was in term paper mode and I would be put to work soon.
I rolled and parked my trolley bag at the end of the table, then joined Mary in the small alcove that was her kitchen.
“You’re worse than Gregor,” I teased as I took a seat at the small table there.
“Am not,” she retorted, passing me a bottle of wine. “He’s a disaster. How is he?”
I rose to open the wine as she set two slices of pizza on each of our plates. I quickly filled her in, telling her about the kiss as well.
“Told you he’s crazy about you,” she said smugly.
I rolled my eyes. “He’s not. He was just confused at the time.”
“Because you don’t like him. That’s the only reason you’re saying that,” she said adjusting her glasses.
I didn’t respond, as it hit too close to Jonas and myself.
Mary quickly changed the subject. “Life moves too fast up there. I’m kind of happy I’m over here.”
She sat down with the plates.
“I’m sorry I dumped this all on you. Tell me what happened with you and Hans,” I said, taking a bite of my pizza.
“Fine,” Mary said, lifting her chin. “Hans and I had a fight because he had sex with his teaching assistant. And before you point out that I agreed to an open relationship, we also had a few rules in place. We were to be open and honest about it. He had sex with her once, which we agreed to. Then I learned they were fucking every afternoon thereafter. I think he has feelings for her, so he’s going to explore that.”
She bit into her pizza as I gaped at her. She was almost frosty now, not anything like she had been on the phone.
Tiger Lily: Part Two Page 8