by Jillian Neal
“You ok, son?” Governor Haydenshire soothed as he embraced Rainer. For just a moment, Rainer allowed himself to be held tightly in Governor Haydenshire’s strong, soothing arms. “Let’s get you home ok. We’ll talk whenever you’re ready.”
The Governor walked beside Rainer. He kept up a steady, soothing conversation; though, Rainer was unable to offer any response. He seemed to understand that his voice was calming and steadying. He was the rock Rainer so desperately needed as he carefully guided him. He always had been.
Emily cried quiet tears all the way back to the farmhouse, but Rainer refused to touch her. He was simply unable. Mrs. Haydenshire met them in the yard.
“Emily, take him upstairs and let him take a shower. Throw his clothes away, and then you two go on to bed. Use your old room.” She soothed.
“I’m all right, mom.” Garrett objected to his parent’s attempts to help him from the car. His arm had been healed but was quite tender. The Medivac team agreed that Adeline could care for him, for the rest of the evening, and that he could join the Angels in Brazil on Monday, as long as he was completely healed by then.
Governor Haydenshire made certain everyone was inside, safe, content, and being cared for, before he informed them that he was leaving.
“Where are you going?” Mrs. Haydenshire quizzed. Panic set in her eyes.
“To the Peterson’s.” He shuddered convulsively. Mrs. Haydenshire nodded.
“Please tell them how sorry I am.” She pled.
With a slight nod, Governor Haydenshire waved.
“I’ll be back before Emily has to leave. I’ll take them to the arena.”
It was after three when Rainer emerged from the shower. His skin throbbed and glowed an acrid red from scrubbing away the horrors of the evening. He finally allowed Emily to wrap her arms around him as he held her tightly.
“Let’s go to bed for a little while.” She soothed. Rainer followed her to her old room and crawled into the safe haven of her bed. He clung desperately to her. Exhaustion won out over Rainer’s terror, and he fell into a deep sleep as Emily kept constant vigil over him and casted him in her steady soothing rhythms of all encompassing love.
Left Behind
A few hours later, Rainer awoke and felt Emily slip from the bed.
“Why are you leaving?” He panicked, and she moved back to him.
“I have to get ready to go. I called Chloe and Medio Sawyer and begged for them to let me come Monday with Garrett, but I have to go today. If you want me to stay, I will. I won’t go.” Her voice shook in her plea. After methodically denying every fiber of his being from begging her to stay, Rainer shook his head.
“No, it’s fine. I just wasn’t thinking.” He forced himself to get up with her.
“No, you stay here and sleep. You don’t have to take me to the arena.” She assured him.
“Em, no.” He pulled her back to him. He was desperate to feel her before he would have to go without her. He seated her in his lap and cradled her. He reveled in the feeling of her safe in his arms.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t save her.” He choked as images of his horrifying night began to seep into his conscience.
“Rainer, no!” Emily shook her head and wrapped her arms around him tightly. “You were so brave, and everything you saw… I just can’t imagine. I’m so sorry. I just can’t believe I have to leave you, after a night like that.” Rainer shook his head. He didn’t want to add to her self-imposed guilt.
“I’ll be fine.” He left out the word ‘eventually.’ No amount of pleading or hoping was going to delay the sunrise, so Rainer sighed.
“Uh, I guess I need to go home and get some clothes.”
“No, Logan and Adeline brought you some, a few minutes ago. Didn’t you hear them come in?” She quizzed concernedly. Rainer tried to draw steadying breaths. He inhaled deeply of the scent of her hair. He was instantly soothed. She stood up out of his lap and handed him a pair of jeans and a Venton sweatshirt.
They dressed and hurried out to the Governor’s car. He stopped and picked them up breakfast on the way and then flew to the arena so Emily wouldn’t be late.
By the time they met the crowd of Angels waiting to board the private plane, Emily’s chin was quivering constantly as she blinked back tears.
“Just tell me to stay.” She pled, but Rainer knew she had to go. He wasn’t allowing her to give up her career because his occasionally forced him to see the horrors of the world in harrowing detail.
“You go, baby. I’ll miss you like crazy, but I’ll be standing right here when you get back. Ok?” He felt nauseous as he tried desperately not to think about not having her near him for the next three weeks. Fionna made her way over.
“I’ll take good care of her. I promise.” She assured Rainer. The deep concern and empathy broadcast from her entire body. He forced a smile. “I heard you had a rough night last night.”
“You could say that.” Rainer agreed though he wasn’t feeling like much of a conversationalist.
“Is uh…” Fionna choked and then drew a deep breath. “Is Dan ok?”
After considering all that had happened, Rainer shook his head.
“I kind of doubt it.”
“Yeah,” Fionna nodded. “I kind of figured.”
The pilots, coolant officers, and flight attendants began loading the plane. Governor Haydenshire hugged Emily good-bye.
“I’ll just wait on you in the car.”
Rainer nodded his appreciation that the Governor wasn’t going to watch him tell Emily good-bye.
“I love you so much.” He wrapped Emily up tightly in his arms.
“I love you too.” She shuddered as she waged a war against her tears that she was losing badly.
“Call me when you land. Ok?” He pled.
“I will.” She promised.
“K” Rainer nodded as he wiped away a few tears that had escaped against her stubborn will. “Please, Em. Please be careful for me.” His voice cracked in his plea.
“I will. I promise.”
“Emily, come on.” Chloe called. Emily angled her head upward, and Rainer wiped away another round of tears and then laved her with a kiss that he fervently hoped he would still be able to taste three weeks from then.
A long drawn minute later, Emily drew a deep breath and hugged Rainer tightly.
“I took all of your t-shirts to sleep in.” She confessed. Rainer nodded and found his chuckle to be cathartic.
“Good, baby. I wanted you to.”
“And I took your pillow.” She continued her confessions.
“Ok,” Rainer smiled at her adoringly.
“I can’t sleep without you.” She trembled as her tears began once again.
“You’ll be fine.” He willed himself not to break down as his exhaustion, and the harrowing night, coupled with his despair that she was leaving.
“Emily!” Chloe sounded annoyed now.
Emily kissed Rainer again, and he watched her disappear up the stairs to the plane. He blew her a kiss, which she returned, before he sauntered slowly out to the Governor’s minivan. He had a physical, echoing pain in his chest. He felt hollow and like a very large part of his heart was being left behind.
Rainer awoke several hours later. Logan was shaking him.
“Hey, man, I think Em’s calling you.” He handed Rainer his cell.
“Hey, baby.” Rainer cleared the sleep from his throat.
“I’m here.” She explained dejectedly.
“Did you have a good flight?” He rubbed his eyes.
“I guess. I have to go get checked in. We just got to the orphanage.”
“Ok, sweetheart. Be careful.” Rainer urged.
“I will, but Rainer…” she begged. The terrified, weary tone of her voice concerned him. “If I want to come home, will you come get me?” She pled frantically.
“Of course, Em. You just say the word. I’ll be on the next flight. Ok, baby?” He knew perfectly well that she wouldn’t leave
when there was work to be done, but she just needed to know that he would catch her if she felt like she was falling. She needed to hear that he would always pull her from the abyss when it threatened to capsize her.
“Ok,” she sounded much more certain of herself suddenly. “I’ll call you tonight.”
“I can’t wait.” Rainer agreed and then immediately told her he loved her as she did the same. A moment later, she hung up. Rainer’s heart ached.
“Why didn’t you get in the bed?” Logan gestured to the couch Rainer had been sleeping on as Rainer tossed his cell on the coffee table. Rainer refused to tell Logan that he hadn’t wanted to get in he and Emily’s bed without her, but Logan had his number. He gave him a grin.
“Hey, I slept in a car for a week, so believe me, I get it, but I don’t think you’ll survive three weeks on that couch.” Rainer sat up and yawned.
“I’ll be fine.” He stared out at the stale gray sky and willed the day to be over with. That would get him one day closer to Emily’s return. Rainer glanced at the clock on the stove. It was almost five. The Angels jet had made the normally 13 hour flight in just over four. Then the girls had to be driven to Recife, one of the poorest cities in Brazil, which had taken another couple of hours.
“Hey, uh, Vindico called a little while ago.” Logan eased.
“He ok?” Rainer shuddered slightly as images from the evening before seared through his brain once again.
“Not really, but he wanted to know if you and I would go get a beer with him tonight. He and Fitzroy, maybe Garrett too, if he’s up to it.”
Rainer furrowed his brow and tried to determine what he could do to help Vindico. He figured that if he wanted to go get a beer that was the least they could do, after all he’d been through.
“Ad’s gonna hang out with mom.” Logan sounded like he’d much rather stay home with Adeline than go out for a beer, but Rainer knew he wanted to be there for Vindico as well. “We’re supposed to meet them at Lesco’s in an hour. So you wanna drop Ad off and then maybe drive around a little before we go?” There were far too many pleading notes in his tone. Rainer studied him closely for a moment.
“Uh, sure, just let me grab my keys.” Rainer knew that Logan needed to talk about what had happened the night before as much as he did. He moved to he and Emily’s bedroom door. He hesitated momentarily before pushing it open. Lonely forlorn settled on Rainer as he began locating his keys and ran a brush through his hair. The room felt strangely cold.
For the thousandth time in just the little amount of time that he’d been awake, Rainer wished he could talk to Emily about the harrowing experience, but, as she wasn’t available. Logan was definitely his second choice.
One of the many things Rainer had learned, in his self imposed exile to London, was that when things happened that caused Rainer to have to reorder the way his world worked, it was nearly impossible without Emily there. She was his center, and nothing would ever make sense to him without her, but if Logan needed him then he’d be there, just as Logan had always been there for him.
Another scene from the night before splayed across his mind. The one of Logan helping him out of the warehouse when Rainer hadn’t even realized that he’d needed help. Logan had been there instantly. Another thought occurred to Rainer; one he found almost odd in its desperation. In that moment of realization, Rainer fervently hoped that Fitzroy was to Vindico what Logan was to him.
They dropped Adeline at the farmhouse, with plans for Mrs. Haydenshire to give Adeline a sewing lesson. Logan walked her to the door, kissed her good-bye, and then fell back into the Mustang with a yawn.
Rainer tried to force his body to sync with the clock. After staying up most of the night, rising early to go with Emily to the arena, then sleeping most of the afternoon, time had Rainer addled.
“Tell me what happened after we went upstairs.” Rainer still felt like the night before was somehow disjointed. He couldn’t seem to make all the puzzle pieces fit. Logan considered for a moment.
“Well, I mean you were there when he got shot?” Logan quizzed. Rainer nodded. He wanted to move past that particular part of the story. Garrett Haydenshire crumpling to the ground screeching curse words as bullets rained down would haunt Rainer for the rest of his life. Logan seemed to understand.
“So, I casted him and tried to calm him down. I tried to heal him. I guess I can only heal Adeline or something, but I made him a little better. Then the Medivac team got there and took us out. They pulled the bullet out and healed him, and I went back in to try to find you. All I heard were shots fired on that loft thing, and then I saw blood fly everywhere. Then you were all coming back down the stairs. Garrett told me what that guy did to Amelia, why Vindico was so crazy, and I heard Portwood talking about how he killed him.” Logan seemed to gage Rainer as they turned towards Lesco’s. Rainer was driving rather slowly.
“So, do you think that was ok?” Logan finally asked the only question he really wanted answered. “I mean, you know, for Vindico to be his judge, jury, and executioner.”
Rainer considered for several minutes. Thoughts of Stan’s car bursting into flames formed instantly in his mind. He’d never been arrested or even brought before the Governing Board. Governor Vindico had quickly signed the papers declaring that it was self defense, and that had been the end of it. He shook his head and tried to forcibly remove the image of the hissing Cascavel, the rapist, from his mind.
“I don’t really know. I thought about that this morning while your dad drove me back from the arena, and I just decided that I would’ve done the same thing, if I’d been in that situation. Right or wrong that’s exactly what I would’ve done.” Rainer offered Logan the conclusion he’d come to that morning. His killing Stan was the only life experience he had that could compare to what Vindico had gone through and what he’d done in vindication.
His decision had brought him peace. It was one of the reasons he’d been able to sleep that afternoon.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought too.” Logan offered. “I kind of got the impression that mom and dad didn’t think he should’ve killed him quite like that.”
“They weren’t there. They didn’t see what I saw,” evulsed from Rainer’s mouth. Shock etched Logan’s face momentarily as he nodded his understanding.
The Present
A few minutes later, they entered Lesco’s. Les smiled his kind smile. The smell of the burger joint, as well as the twinkle in Les’s eyes, soothed both Logan and Rainer in its tranquil familiarity.
“Garrett and some friends of his are in the back. You meeting them or are you two still not cool enough to hang with Garrett?” Les teased. Logan laughed.
“Nah, he lets us eat with him now, occasionally anyway.”
“Yeah, as long as they don’t talk.” Garrett laughed. He’d come to the front of the pub to show Logan and Rainer where they were seated. Les chuckled as he followed them back and supplied the table with pitchers of beer and several baskets of appetizers.
Rainer and Logan greeted Vindico and Fitzroy. Rainer studied Vindico. His eyes were swollen and red. They were bloodshot. At some point in the very recent past, he'd sobbed for quite sometime. Rainer looked away. He couldn't bear it. He couldn't reconcile it in his head. Vindico was the best officer Rainer had ever seen. His rippling muscles and his height made him look untouchable. In Rainer’s mind, he was a rock steady and relentless when it came to getting his guy. He certainly didn't cry. It just couldn't be.
Rainer felt his heart ache as he forced himself to meet Vindico’s gaze. After what he’d been through, he deserved the opportunity to cry. He recalled Vindico’s words to try to make him feel better when he’d killed Stan and couldn’t seem to contain his emotions.
“…and sometimes they’re just because life is just too damn much to deal with.”
Life had definitely dealt Daniel Vindico more than anyone should have to deal with.
“How’s your shoulder?” Rainer turned his gaze to Garrett. This was
the first time he’d really seen Garrett since the night before, when Emily had led him to bed while Adeline was changing Garrett’s bandages.
“It hurt like hell when it happened. Just a little tender now.” Garrett threw several onion rings in his mouth.
“You still leaving Monday for Brazil?” Vindico asked. His voice was rough and gravelly from his emotion.
“That’s the plan unless you need me to stay here?” Garrett offered.
“Nah, you go on. It’s cool that you volunteer down there, and I promised your dad the Angels would have security. You always have more service hours than anyone.”
Garrett offered no response to the commendation.
They continued to eat in silence for several long minutes. Vindico studied Rainer occasionally. Not certain what to say, Rainer sipped his beer and secretly wished Emily would call.
“Can I ask you something, Lawson?” Vindico finally choked.
“Sure,” Rainer agreed and noted Fitzroy nodding his approval.
“How old were you when they executed Maredon?” He gave Rainer the impression he was being interrogated.
Timothy Maredon was the man who’d killed Rainer’s father, and his name always made Rainer’s stomach turn in ragged, jarring twists. He tried desperately never to think of him.
“Uh, I was sixteen.” He wondered where this was going.
“Did you go to the execution?” Vindico asked instantly.
“No.” Rainer shuddered. He remembered that day in great detail just like he remembered the day of his father’s murder. Vindico seemed to consider.
“When you knew he was dead…” Vindico hemmed “…or when you killed Stan…” He hushed quietly as Rainer set down his burger. He was no longer able to eat. “Were you happy?” Vindico asked quite sincerely.
“No, not really. Not on either count.” Rainer tried his best to explain to Vindico how each incident made him feel. “I mean I remember overhearing the Haydenshires talking about the execution, and they would never have let me go. Not that I wanted to, but I just remember thinking ‘what’s the point?’ It wasn’t going to bring my dad back.” Rainer discussed these feelings openly with the men at the table. Before that moment, he’d never said any of this to anyone but Emily. Vindico seemed to let Rainer’s words wash over him.