by Paula Chase
“You ain’t said nothing but a word,” Mina said. She pursed her lips and struck a pose.
Michael scowled. “Uh-uh, you better not do that when you walk.”
Mina pouted. “Why? This is my first and last Tyra Banks moment.” She popped her eyes. “Now, I’m smiling with my eyes.” Her eyes lowered. “Now I’m not smiling with my eyes.”
Lizzie and Michael laughed. They ignored the stares of the candidates, bothered by the interruption of their last minute fussing.
“Okay, Miss smiling-with-your-eyes.” He nudged her shoulder, signaling Mina to turn. “Come on, let me fix the back of this thing.” He shook out the dress, swiping it down with his hand as he scowled over at the door. “God, what’s taking them so—”
“Michael James,” a voice called. “You’re on deck to present.”
Michael’s hands froze mid-nitpick. He blew out a deep breath. His head shook side to side in a tiny tremor. “Am I really doing this?”
“Yes,” Mina and Lizzie sang.
Mina turned around, grabbed his left arm, and Lizzie grabbed the right.
“Let’s do this, baby boy,” Mina said.
“I feel like I’m forgetting something,” Michael said, refusing to be led to the door.
“Everything’s perfect,” Lizzie said.
“Perfect,” Mina echoed.
She felt Michael’s arm shaking in her hand. She eased her hand into his and squeezed gently until he looked at her. “Mike, you got this,” she said, nodding.
He repeated it, uncertain. “I got this?”
“You got this,” Lizzie said, patting his arm.
He looked from Lizzie to Mina, his head going from a side-to-side tremor to a shaky, then firm, head nod.
“I got this.”
Mina and Lizzie grinned.
“Yes,” Mina said.
They took two steps toward the door when Michael stopped short.
Mina frowned. “What?”
“I got this,” Michael said. “But if I don’t ... remind me later to talk smack about all these wannabe Project Runway rejects.”
The girls promised as they made their way past the chaos and into the quiet hall of the Carter School.
“How come you don’t call?”
“This love ain’t gon’ be perfect.”
—Ne-Yo, “Mad”
Mina didn’t care that Michael was gay.
Well, she didn’t care much.
Bottom line truth, if forced to admit it, she’d confess that suspecting and knowing was like the difference between striding confidently into the shallow end of the pool and suddenly sinking in the deep end—daunting and a little scary.
One of her best friends was gay.
It was major, in a “I need to tell someone just to make it real” sort of way.
But she knew she couldn’t and it was a struggle to know she couldn’t openly ponder the ins, outs, and what does it mean with all her girlfriends.
Michael hadn’t sworn her to secrecy or anything, but it didn’t take a PhD to know that if he’d kept it from her this long, it wasn’t something she was supposed to share.
Still, she wanted to tell Brian. There was nothing wrong with that. It wasn’t gossiping, just sharing with her boyfriend, talking it aloud to keep herself honest about how she felt—which was she didn’t care, but she was still just this side of freaked. After all, it wasn’t exactly the same as Michael admitting to liking purple after years of claiming to like blue.
Later that night, after the portfolio review, she’d spilled to Lizzie, but only a little. It felt too gossipy, like maybe Lizzie would feel like, Dude, get over it, I’ve known forever. So she’d kept her conversation with Lizzie to a low-key minimum, mostly uttering, “This is really weird,” and asking “So is Rob his boyfriend?”
Lizzie had nodded fervently to the former statement and shook her head no to the latter.
In time, they’d discuss it more, when she was solidly not freaked out by the sudden knowledge. For now, Mina needed to air the initial shock to someone.
She picked up her phone to text Brian, eying the clock on her PC as she did, mentally checking off where he wouldn’t be. It was nearly midnight. He’d be long finished with classes, practice, and eating, hadn’t had a game tonight, and likely wouldn’t be goofing off with his teammates in the dorm, because this was the time he usually reserved for settling down before studying. This was one of the few open windows in his day for idle chitchat.
She crossed her legs in her desk chair and typed,
Hey B hit me back need 2 talk ...
Then waited.
Minus a few very late-night text messages that had left her wilting in class the next morning, she hadn’t spoken to Brian for days. Their Sunday rendezvous was weeks old, a hazy memory that only served to make Mina’s heart ache when she thought about how little they got to talk since he’d returned to school.
She stared at the phone, willing it to chirp with a message.When it refused, she plucked at her PC’s keyboard, signing on. Her screen was filled, within seconds, with hellos from a variety of friends. She laughed at the message from Vic.
Udontseeme: ’sup girl? Ur man must be busy. Ur away msg never goes off unless u already kno he’s ghost or online 4 da nite
She laughed at her predictable-ness, refusing to own up to it.
BubbliMi: 4 ur 411 I just been 2 busy to log on
Udontseeme: yea right! miss u at work
BubbliMi: cut back on my hours during basketball season ... 2 hard to cheer games, competitions, homework, and work. Udontseeme: righ’ righ’ Jess miss u 2. lol
Mina rolled her eyes, chuckling as she eased into the conversation with Vic.
BubbliMi: I see her enuff at schl. So whut up?
Udontseeme: jus u ma-ma. March madness only 4 wks away, I kno u happy ’bout that.
Actually, she wasn’t. Brian was barely able to call her as it was. She figured once the NCAA basketball tournament started she wouldn’t hear a peep from him until it was over. The reality spiked her right in the chest.
A national championship better be worth it, she thought, smiling at the diva-like demand.
BubbliMi: happy? ::shrug::
Udontseeme: u b alright. U knew u was gon b a basketball widow when u hooked up w/dude. Take da good w/da bad, baby girl.
BubbliMi: gee thx Dr. Phil. lol
She stole a glance at her phone, as if it somehow rang without her noticing, before toggling over to Jacinta, who’d been beating down her browser trying to get Mina to answer.
CinnyBon: OMG look who’s on!
CinnyBon: Hello! What’s up Mi?
CinnyBon: ok u better b talking 2 Brian, icing me like dat
BubbliMi: OMG calm down. lol i was tlkg 2 vic
CinnyBon: w/his fine ass. Tell him I said ’sup?
BubbliMi: yeah cuz I have nothing better 2 do than pass msgs b/w u and vic
CinnyBon: u must not cuz u online tlkg 2 other people not named Brian James. What brings u online 2nite?
BubbliMi: dayum have I been ghost like that? Vic said da same thng
CinnyBon: thas y I luv u princess ... so innocent. ;-) yes Mina u been ttly ghost. Only time u on is if u on tlkg 2 brian than u refuse 2 hold a real convo w/anybody else.
BubbliMi: ummm ... sorry?
CinnyBon: LOL I ain’t mean dog u out jus spitting truth
Mina sat back, absorbing the words on the screen.
Between school, cheerleading, work, family obligations, and kicking it with the clique, what little time she had left—mostly hours she’d usually spend sleeping—she used trying to catch up with Brian, emphasis on the word trying.
She hadn’t intentionally igged her friends. A sense of regret nagged at her, but she kept her apology lighthearted.
BubbliMi: my b. life as a b-ball widow ain’t all its cracked up 2 b CinnyBon: b-ball widow?
BubbliMi: lol thas what vic called me. I like it.
CinnyBon: ::rolling my eyes:: w/e. u migh
t b 1 but dam if raheem don’t call my azz every day like clockwork.
Mina shook off the jealousy before it could dig its claws into her.
BubbliMi: somebody whipped ha ha
CinnyBon: he calls me b4 practice, after practice, b4 he study,
after he study LORD SAVE ME
BubbliMi: u crazy girl
Mina shook her head, laughing at Jacinta’s antics, refusing to give in to the little voice whispering, I wish that were me. She toggled back over to Vic.
Udontseeme: ur welcome, my bill’s in da mail. ay im dj’ing a party this wkend in 1 of those burb hoods on ur side of town. want come?
BubbliMi: o yeah? what nabe?
Udontseeme: folgers way
BubbliMi: thas where my girl kelly lives. how’d u get that hook up?
Udontseeme: chick came into da store 1 day. thnk she’s a friend of Jess’s ... asian chick
BubbliMi: o i kno who u talking bout. Not really my clique. Udontseeme: yeah but i cld use some company. it can get lonely when its 1 of those rich kid parties. dont make a dude beg
Mina pursed her lips, squinting at the screen, debating. Jill Ling was one of the younger Glams, Jessica’s snooty clique. A sophomore, she was primed to be queen bee of the clique once Jessica and Mari-Beth Linton graduated, this year. Not like Mina actually had plans for the weekend, but there were a few dozen better ways to spend her Saturday than be at a Glam party—jumping off a cliff was among them.
Udontseeme: i’ll owe u 1. ::on my knees:: see u got me begging
BubbliMi: lol alright as long as I can hang at the dj table w/u ... like rt by u. seriously I’ll be ur assistant or w/e
Udontseeme: done deal. i’ll even let u pick some of the mixes
BubbliMi: uh-oh BubbliMi on the wheels of steel lol
Udontseeme: slow ur roll, ma-ma. i said pick da mixes not
make ’em lol
BubbliMi: o my b
Udontseeme: cool i’ll text u when i’m on my way saturday. c u BubbliMi: c u vic
She closed out the box and went back to Jacinta.
CinnyBon: yes i am crazy insane in the brain frm him worryin me 2 death
CinnyBon: if its not him then its JZ making me crzy got me wantin 2 jump his bones 4 real! lol i had 2 cut back goin down his house b/c it wuz getting intense
CinnyBon: Mina? Whered u go?!
BubbliMi: my bad. wrapping up w/vic.
CinnyBon: o u see my last msg?
BubbliMi: um-hmm somethin bout jumpin JZ’s bones. lol. do it already then
CinnyBon: shoot dont thnk I havent gotten close
BubbliMi: sort of figured. Y havent u?
CinnyBon: ummm cuz im not a trick! Dayum. thght u knew me better dan dat
BubbliMi: didnt mean it dat way. Jus sayin its obvious u down 4 each other.
CinnyBon: yeah but i have a bf and as much as I play w/jz im not gon’ cheat on raheem. U kno?
Mina nodded. She’d missed these brain dumps with her friends. She typed back, glad to purge her own fears.
BubbliMi: i kno. i hope brian feels that way CinnyBon: do u thnk he’s cheating?
The word cheating leered at her from the screen. She typed back quickly so it would scroll away.
BubbliMi: no I mean its not that jus sick of missing him n wondering if he misses me 2
CinnyBon: girl he misses u
BubbliMi: yea rght. even if he does he has 50,000 “friends” to keep him company ready 2 chat on groupie love CinnyBon: lol not like he has time
BubbliMi: I guess. he sure doesn’t have time 2 drop me a line. I texted him an hour go, Cinny, and nothing. NADA. CinnyBon: da boy gotta study at some point. U want him to flunk out?
BubbliMi: do u think he would 4 me? LOL
CinnyBon: u tripping
BubbliMi: well at least I have something 2 do this wkend CinnyBon: wht?
BubbliMi: vic asked me 2 come w/him to Jill Ling’s jam CinnyBon: eww y?
BubbliMi: eww to Vic????
CinnyBon: LOL no ewww to Jill. good luck w/all that BubbliMi: tru dat. But better than sitting home
CinnyBon: true
BubbliMi: alright girl my eyes heavy like a mugger fugger
CinnyBon: if u want go talk 2 brian jus say so lol
BubbliMi: i wish. Naw rdy get some beauty sleep. c u
CinnyBon: grrr!!! There go my phone, raheem w/ his midnight
call. ::rolling my eyes::
BubbliMi: lol c u cinny
CinnyBon: c u girl
Mina closed out the message box and turned her screen off.
I’m too tired to be jealous, she thought, yawning.
But a simmering anger followed her into sleep. Hours later, an insistent buzzing intruded her slumber. Her eyes popped open, scanning the darkness for the giant bumble bee hovering over her bed until she realized the bee was her phone, lodged under her side.
She grabbed it, blindly punching the Send button. “Hello,” she mumbled, her voice thick with sleep and impatience. She glanced at her bedside alarm clock, scowling at the red numbers. It was three A.M.
“What’s up, Toughie? Were you asleep?” Brian asked, bright and alert as if it were midday.
“Yes. Until you went off to school, this was usually the time I did that.”
His chuckling grated on her nerves.
“My bad. I thought you might be up.”
Mina’s fatigue fueled her sarcasm. “Usually I am, waiting on you to call. But you never do, so I figured tonight I’d actually do something wild and crazy like get some sleep.”
“It’s like that?” Brian said. “Let me let you get back to sleep then.”
The phone went dead. Mina stared at it until the back light turned off, leaving her room in pitch blackness once more. She smashed the Send button and the phone dialed Brian’s number.
“What?” he said, when he picked up.
Mina sat up straight in the bed, her back against the headboard, arms folded. “Did you seriously just hang up on me?”
“Oh, did I do it wrong?”
“Brian, it’s no need to get smart.”
“I know, that’s why I hung up instead.”
Mina closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She stayed quiet, hoping Brian would apologize in the silence, but he remained equally as mum. Her throat grew itchy and she fought the tears that typically followed the feeling. She had no idea how to steer the conversation in a better direction. She swallowed once, then twice, hoping either he’d say something or she’d find the words. None came and the silence on his end grew.
She sighed loudly, frustrated. “What did you want?”
He snorted and she knew her question had come out wrong. His answer came back flat and indifferent. “You texted me, so I was calling you back.”
“I texted you at like eleven forty-three,” Mina said, leaving the question of what had taken him so long lingering.
“I was in the library, Mina. My phone was off.”
“Oh. Are you just getting back?”
Her heart leapt knowing he’d really been studying, but Brian’s reply was even more sterile.
“No, Mina. I left the library at one-thirty. Went to Sonic. Had a burger with mayonnaise, onions, ketchup, mustard, and lettuce ... oh, and cheese. Then ...”
“Okay, I get it, Brian.” Mina rolled her eyes.
“Like I said, I was hitting you back. What did you want?”
Mina sucked her teeth. She didn’t think Brian heard her mumbled, “not this,” but he said, “What does that mean?”
She hesitated, not sure whether to be dead honest—Brian’s perpetual philosophy—or just let it go.
He persisted, angrier than before. “What? What didn’t you want, Mina?”
“Nothing,” Mina said quietly, refusing to be bullied into honesty.
“ ’Cause if you didn’t want me acting all bitchass on the phone, then you might have thought a little about how you came at me.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, managing to keep herself
from bawling until Brian reprimanded her with a terse, “Why you dogging me out with all this attitude?”
She swiped at the fat tears wobbling down her face. Her silence served as fuel to Brian’s rant.
“My schedule is mad crazy, Mina. When I have time to call you I do. When I don’t, I don’t.” His words flowed fast, as if they’d been held back too long. “If I promised to call you every night at eleven and then couldn’t, you’d be pissed. I’m trying cut the drama”—he scoffed—“or thought I was by calling you when I can. What do you want me to do, make promises I can’t keep?”
Mina swallowed hard, refusing to let Brian hear the tears in her voice. “I didn’t ask you to make me any promises, Brian.” She hugged her knees to her chest and laid her head on them. It calmed her, drying the tears. “You act like you’re the only one who’s busy.”
“Obviously you got time on your hands if you sitting around getting mad at me because I don’t hit you right back.You need to get out more, Toughie.”
Mina’s head reared back, as if he’d smacked her. She scowled in the darkness. Forgetting the late hour, her voice rose. “I am busy.” Her head shook side to side with every word. “And I try to only send you a message when I think you can hit me back. But you never do.” She folded her arms, huffing. “When you finally have time it’s hella late. I can’t keep falling asleep in class ’cause I’m up late talking to you.”
“Then don’t,” he said.
Mina forced back the lump working its way up her throat.
“What is that supposed to be, a breakup hint?”
“There you go, always reading into what I say.” He chuckled snidely. “If I was breaking up with you, I’d say it straight out.”