by Paula Chase
He bent over, picked up his hat and scarf from the floor. He snuggled the cap on his head and took his time winding the scarf with trembling hands. When he finished he turned back to JZ, his eyes dark with sadness.
He looked around the disheveled room, as if wondering how it had gotten that way, then shook his head. He walked to the stairwell, stopped and turned again.
“Jay ... you was my boy, man.”
Still posturing, JZ jut his chin. “Yeah, was.”
Mina cried out and Lizzie squeezed her, rocking her like a baby.
Michael closed his eyes. His breath came out in a low hiss from his nose. He felt his heartbeat in his temples and behind his eyeballs, as if it were trying to ooze its way out altogether. Gray and black dots danced behind his lids. He stood there, at the steps, letting the shaded dots go from a frenetic vibration to a standstill; then he opened his eyes, staring at JZ, sending a silent message.
JZ’s eyes flinched, just barely, before steeling themselves again.
“Okay, was,” Michael said. He threw up the peace sign. “Deuces.”
He walked up the stairs, just as Kelly and his grandmother were coming down.
“I gotta go, Ma,” he said in answer to his grandmother’s worried inquiries about his face. “I gotta go.”
No Means No
“You don’t think so, but this is where you belong.”
—Dave Hollister, “What’s a Man to Do?”
JZ extracted himself from Michael’s house as politely as he could, under the circumstances. Miss Mae Bell lectured him, but not much. When she saw the state the girls were in, especially Mina and Lizzie, she let him off with a firm, “You two boys know better. Been friends since you were practically babies. Make sure you come back here tomorrow and you two work it out.”
He nodded, promising that he would, knowing that he wouldn’t. And leaving Michael’s grandmother to get the truth out of the girls. He swung the door open to his mother’s Volvo and folded his tall body into the compact, sporty four-seater. He turned the ignition and gunned the engine, startled when the passenger-side door opened.
“Man, what you want?” he asked Jacinta.
She slid into the front seat and closed the door. “JZ, stop being an asshole,” she said matter-of-factly. She fixed him with a look that he understood to mean she wasn’t getting out.
He rested his head on the steering wheel. The bumpy texture of the wheel ground against his forehead, as he shook his head back and forth. “This is messed up,” he said.
“Yeah, it is,” Jacinta said.
He waited for the lecture, but Jacinta said nothing else, relieving him and irritating him at once. He didn’t want nagging, but would have welcomed Jacinta pointing out how wrong Michael was to dip out on them like that.
He jerked his head up. “What do you want, Cinny?”
Her eyes searched his face, never wavering. “I don’t want anything. I thought you might want some company.”
He stared at her, working to read between the lines but finding no hidden messages. He rubbed at his eyes, digging harder than necessary. The pain kicked him into gear.
“Well, let me take you home ’cause I don’t want company.” He looked at her. “All right?”
Jacinta shrugged.
He put the car in reverse and gunned it, nearly crushing Miss Mae Bell’s azalea bush. He kept up the mad pace, barely yielding at the stop sign at the top of the cul-de-sac, and was at Jacinta’s within two minutes. The gravel popped and clicked under the car’s wheels until he came to a stop in the middle of the drive. He waited a few seconds, but Jacinta made no move to get out.
He slammed the car into park and leaned his head back on the headrest.
“Jay, I know you—”
“Don’t say nothing, all right?” He blew out a deep breath. “You don’t know anything ... not about me or what just happened. So don’t say it.” He softened his tone. “I just don’t feel like hearing no lecture right now. I’m sick of lectures.”
“All right,” Jacinta said.
The submissive agreement made JZ look up at her. The cold serenity of the car and Jacinta’s calm presence cleared his head. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“Tell Michael that.”
“No, I mean I’m sorry I dogged you out the other day and been acting shady.”
Jacinta sighed. “I’m used to it.”
“I didn’t need to act like that.” JZ leaned his head back again. “Did I get you in trouble?”
“Weren’t you trying to?” Jacinta said.
The smile in her voice made JZ chuckle. “Yeah, I guess so,” he admitted.
“I can handle Raheem.” She laughed. “Especially when I don’t have to actually see him. He was mad for a few hours, but he called back later, apologizing.”
“That’s good,” JZ said.
Jacinta’s abrupt laugh was ear-piercing in the small car. “You don’t even mean that, JZ.”
He shrugged, talking up at the car’s ceiling. “I meant I’m glad you’re not hurt or whatever.”
He looked back up when she’d been silent too long. Even in the darkness he could feel her eyes on him. “What?” he said.
“See, I think you mean that.”
He hesitated for a second before leaning toward her. Jacinta closed the rest of the gap and he kissed her, first soft, probing, then energetically sucking. His hands went to the back of her head. Jacinta softened in his arms and he gently pressed their faces together.
Heat surged through his body, despite the frigid air in the car. His right hand slipped from her head to her back, then eased to the top of her jeans. He rubbed the skin on the small of her back where her jacket and pants gapped. His lips moved to her neck, while his left hand explored under the front of her jacket.
She moaned and his hand lifted her shirt.
“Jay ... Jay, stop,” she said, pulling back.
Caught up, JZ leaned in more. The gear shift bit into his thigh as he tried to penetrate Jacinta’s side of the car. Jacinta pressed her hands against his chest. Her head reared back, smacking into the window.
“Jay, stop, please.”
The words got through that time, slowly. He withdrew, first his lips from her neck; then one limb at a time—his right hand from her butt, his left hand from her breast—until all of him was back on his side of the car again. He sat immobile, his breathing going from a heavy pant to a labored sigh. He steadied his elbow on the sill of the window and the fog from their making out squelched under his leather jacket. When he’d gotten himself together, he squinted over at her.
“What’s up? Seriously, why you playing me?”
She ran her fingers through her pixie cut bob. “I’m not.... I mean I don’t mean to.”
He snickered. “You doing it well for somebody who ain’t trying.” He adjusted himself in the seat to relieve the aching in his lap. “All right. I gotta dip.”
“Jay, wait,” she said, turning in her seat to face him. “Can we talk about it for a minute?”
He looked her in the eye, his gaze wooden. “Baby girl, it’s three things we can talk about right now, and they all start with B.” His fingers ticked them off as he listed. “Blow job, bare that ass, or buh-bye.”
“You always gotta get rude.” She sucked her teeth.
“Okay, that sounds like you chose buh-bye.” He waved. “See ya.”
“Jay, stop,” Jacinta shouted. She folded her arms, refusing to leave. “So what, you making sure you ruin every single friendship you have tonight?”
“Naw, I’m just realizing that some of my friendships wasn’t as solid as I thought.” He rolled his eyes.
“Why you gotta talk to me like I’m a trick?” Her head shook side to side in disapproval. “We are friends. But not if you keep dogging me out.”
“Then stop being a dick tease.” He grabbed the steering wheel, shoulders hitching. “How ’bout that, Jacinta?”
She rubbed her eyes. “It takes two to flirt. I thought
we were just ... playing around.”
“We were.” His chuckle was nasty as he pretended to pull her hand toward his lap. “But you never wanna play with the right toy.”
She snatched her hand away. “JZ, I have a boyfriend.”
“So break up with him.” His fist pounded the steering wheel, making Jacinta jump. “Okay, yeah, we were just playing around. But I feel like I’m tripping. Are you saying you don’t want it to be more than that?” He grilled her, raising his voice. “Huh?”
Her fingers ran rampant through her hair. Cold smoke puffed out of her mouth as she breathed hard.
“I would ...” She blew out a deep breath, as if the answer were a burden she had to dump. “It could be more if it wasn’t for Raheem.”
“All right, so then we’re right back where we always are.” JZ shook his head. His hands swept back and forth on the steering wheel, rocking it side to side. “I know you’re always talking about wanting to stay friends with Raheem. But sometimes ...” His voice trailed off, then came back with a gritty determination. “Sometimes friendships die.”
Jacinta looked up at him in alarm.
His hands stopped their frenetic dance on the steering wheel, as he faced her. “Sometimes friendship die.” He held Jacinta’s surprised gaze. “If you can break up with Raheem and be friends, that’s cool. But if you can’t, it is what is, Cinny.”
She turned her head and looked at her frosted window, steaming it more as she spoke. “You’re asking me to choose between you and Raheem?” Her head shook in a tiny tremor. “JZ, don’t make me do this.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because what?” He touched her shoulder.
She turned around and JZ frowned at the pain in her eyes.
“Because even if I break up with Raheem, it doesn’t mean I’m down with us doing the exclusive thing.”
His hand dropped away like he’d been burned.
Anger welled up from the pit of his stomach and burned to his cheeks. He wanted to lay them against the cool, fogged up window.
“I told you not to make me choose,” she said softly.
“Yup. That’s my b,” JZ said, smiling. He saw in Jacinta’s face that she saw the lie in his eyes. But by the time she saw his hand coming toward her, he already had her by the hair, pulling her toward him. “Cool. I’ll settle for being friends with benefits then.” He went to kiss her hard on the lips, but their teeth clanked together in a painful collision.
She smacked him in the face. Her eyes, glossy but dry, were wide with shock. “What is wrong with you tonight?”
Bile rose hot in JZ’s throat. He stretched his neck, forcing it back down. He heard the tremor in his voice, but lowered his eyelids, putting his cool face on. “You were the one who said I’d fall the hardest.” He chuckled. “It’s nice being right, ain’t it?” Jacinta jumped when he pressed the button to unlock the doors. “Bye, Cinny. I gotta dip.”
Jacinta made one last attempt. “Don’t ...”
“Bye, Cinny, damn,” he barked, and that got her moving.
She opened the door, angrily, but took her time getting out, maybe hoping JZ would cop to some elaborate, very early April Fool’s joke. He only waited patiently for her to step out. Before she had a chance to levy any last words or shut the door, he backed down the driveway, gravel popping. He shoved the car into gear so hard, the door shut on its own.
All Hail the Clique ... The Clique IS Dead
“The end of the world it seems. You bend down and you fall on your knees.”
—Kate Voegele, “It’s Only Life”
Mina was sick.
She raced into the house, past her parents in the sunroom and up the stairs into her room.
The entire evening was a patchwork quilt of ugly words and images seared in her mind so deeply, her stomach lurched whenever they flashed. She laid across her bed and dialed Michael’s number again. She smashed the End button when his voice mail came on for the fifteenth time.
He wouldn’t text her back.
He wouldn’t answer her calls.
She had to talk to him.
Michael was the reasonable one. Once she talked to him, they’d figure out how to get at JZ, bring it all back together. She dialed Michael’s number again, waited patiently for the voice mail message to end, and left a message, “Mike, please call me ... please.”
She jumped when her mother’s face appeared in her doorway. “Hey, baby girl,” her mother said, instinctively treading lightly. “Wanna talk?”
Mina shook her head no, then threw herself into her pillow and bawled. She lifted her head long enough to wail, “Ma, it’s a mess. JZ and Michael are fighting and ... Cinny just sent me a text saying she’s mad at JZ.” She dumped her face back into the pillow. “What’s happening?”
Mariah Mooney stroked her daughter’s back, letting her cry until the tears turned to dry hitches. “Tell me what happened.” She pressed gently on Mina’s shoulder until Mina sat upright.
Mina relayed as much of the story as she could bear, leaving out the more hurtful words and only scratching the surface of the story Jacinta had told her about JZ taking her home. Her voice hitched, “It’s ... it’s like we’re falling apart.” She placed the pillow on her lap and hugged it. “I knew that if Mike got into the Carter, we’d miss him and all but—I didn’t think it would mean we wouldn’t be friends.”
“You’ll always be friends,” her mother said. “Maybe just not like you are now.”
Mina wailed. “That’s not enough.”
Mariah smiled. “It might have to be.”
Mina sunk her face into the pillow, smashing her eyes and her mind closed against what her mother was proposing. The clique not friends anymore? The words were as foreign to her as another language.
Her mother’s hand raked gently through her hair. “Tonight sounded pretty bad.” Mina nodded and Mariah went on. “It might be bad for a while. But you guys will bounce back, I bet.”
Fresh tears streamed down Mina’s face as she thought about Michael and JZ using the term was in reference to their friendship. She shook her head, lifting it up only enough to be heard. “Not from this, Mommy. I just have a bad feeling.”
Mina’s mother leaned down and kissed the back of her head. She stroked Mina’s back until her breathing took on the steady rhythm of sleep, then she repositioned her in the bed and stepped out.
The chirping of Mina’s phone awoke her several hours later. She reached blindly for it, finding it on her nightstand.
“Hello,” she whispered, squinting at the clock. Her vision was too blurred to make out the time.
“Mi, it’s Jay.”
“JZ?” Mina’s eyes, sore and puffy, fluttered until her vision steadied. She rolled onto her back. “Jay, what’s going on?”
“Can you meet me outside?”
She peered at the clock. “Jay, it’s one o’ clock.”
“Thanks, Time Lady. Are you coming out or what?”
“Just come to the door of the sunroom. I’ll let you in.”
“All right, peace.”
Mina sat up, staring around her room, dazed. She was still dressed. She didn’t remember falling asleep. She got up, went to the door, and listened to the sounds of the house. Her father’s light snoring confirmed what she needed to know. She eased down the stairs and went out to the large sunroom. Her parents must have turned in only a bit earlier; the room was still warm from the gas stove.
She walked to the main sliding glass door and waited for JZ to appear. Even staring straight out the window, he startled her when his face popped up. She slid the door open as quietly as possible.
“Where’s the car?” She peered behind him in the frigid night.
“I walked,” JZ said. He rubbed his hands together and blew into them.
“You’re crazy. It’s pitch black out there.”
JZ snickered. “We’ve lived here our entire lives, Mina. When was the last time somebody got jacked walking
in the Woods?”
Mina shrugged. Far as she knew never. Still, she wasn’t about to walk down the street alone at night. She went over to the sofa and sat down.
JZ sat beside her. He held his hand up. “Don’t say anything, okay?”
She obeyed.
They sat in the dark silence, listening to the last cracklings of the gas stove and the creaks of the house settling, until JZ said, “You know I hate ... talking about feelings and shit.” His eyes were wide and white in the darkness. Mina focused on them, nodding. “But I gotta get some things straight. Be real with me, all right?”
She nodded again. A sliver of cold curiosity lodged itself in her spine and she shivered.
“Is Michael gay?” JZ said.
Mina’s gasp was a tiny sip of air, but JZ heard it. His eyes locked on her lips before closing heavily. He shook his head. “Tell me, Mina.”
“I ... you should be asking Michael this, Jay.”
He hung his head. “You know that’s as much of an answer as you gasping.” He was scowling when his head came back up. “But I said be real with me. I need you to answer.”
Mina’s throat tightened. She shook her head no as she answered, “Yes.”
JZ’s hands went to the crown of his head, then slid down to his forehead again and again, first slow, then quickly, in a back and forth motion until his hair stood up in tiny, fiberlike spikes. He blew out a deep breath as if it were taking a lot of effort to go on.
“When did he tell you?” he asked.
“A few weeks ago.”
“Guess you weren’t going to tell me, huh?”
Mina’s face cracked. “It ... he ... no.”
“How y’all gonna ...”
Mina pressed her finger against JZ’s lips. “Look how you acted tonight. Are you seriously going to catch a ’tude that Mike never told you?”
JZ rubbed his hands on his thighs, squeezed his knees, then shrugged. “All right, yeah. But I was his boy. It’s like ...”
“Was?” Mina said, choking on the word. “Can’t y’all still be friends?”
“Were we ever?” JZ’s eyebrow rose.