by Paula Chase
BubbliMi: w/e
Jayizdaman: u not even curious? aw man my girl growing up
Mina read his message several times.
Curious.
Growing up.
Her heart thudded loud in her ears.
Curious.
Growing up.
The promise she’d made herself at Jill’s party rang fresh in her mind.
So what if Brian was on this site chatting? In some (very) weird way, it was an honor that he’d become the number-one hot guy on their Web site, considering the site included guys from colleges all over the nation. And it was just a chat.
Too bad she didn’t mean a word of it.
JZ’s message broke her thoughts.
Jayizdaman: im proud of u Mi.
BubbliMi: give me the sign-in 4 ur cutieboomd account
Her heart raced as she waited for his response.
Jayizdaman: no. if u gon do it jus create a new 1.
BubbliMi: jay jus let me have it! please
Jayizdaman: i only tol u cuz I thght u wuz gon log on as u. don’t trap him by pretending. thas foul. BubbliMi: 4 real? 4 real u gon’ come at me abt stuff thas foul?
Her chest heaved as she felt herself slipping out of control. The chat had started, she didn’t have time to fill out a bunch of bogus info for a new account. She needed the cutieboomd account. Why was JZ tripping about it?
Jayizdaman: w/e im not gon help u set him up
It was already five after one. If she was going to log on, she needed to get to it. Tired of playing with JZ, she pulled out her heavy artillery.
BubbliMi: im not setting him up. jus gonna check it out. so ur choosing 2 b loyal 2 brian over me?
Jayizdaman: not even like that!
BubbliMi: then what’s the big deal?
Mina shook her head as she read his message. Sometimes JZ was too hypocritical for his own good.
Jayizdaman: fine. if some shit pop off i don’t want no parts of it. BubbliMi: yeah I wish I could say the same abt the shit that popped off ystrday but im knee deep in it w/u
Jayizdaman: its cutieboomd and the password is jtg363 BubbliMi: thx
Jayizdaman: not wlcome!
BubbliMi: w/e
Mina put up her Away message and logged into Groupie Love. The entire page was lit up with pictures of Brian and comments from his seventy-five thousand plus friends. Mina stared in awe at the page.
I’m just curious, she thought, telling herself she wouldn’t be if Brian had told her about the chat when she’d asked about his plans for the day.
She clicked on the private chat link, a privilege given only to those who’d been members at least thirty days. The Groupie Love server put her in the chat queue, sending her a message saying the chat room was full to capacity and she’d have to wait until someone logged out.
The message released the tension she’d felt since JZ explained what 1@1 was about.
It was full—a sign she wasn’t meant to log on.
What were the odds any of these stalkerazzi fan-girls were going to willingly bow out of the chat with their #1 Hottie?
She took her Away message off and sent JZ a message.
BubbliMi: happy? I couldn’t get on. Plffttt
Jayizdaman: good. use ur investigative skills 4 good, obi wan
BubbliMi: LOL w/e im hittin da bed. tired as a mug
Jayizdaman: c u
She signed out and was about to click the close button on the Groupie Love page when her screen changed from the queue message to a bright white screen filled with dozens of messages in a variety of colors. Symbols and chat speak scrolled a mile a minute as person after person added their chatter to the mix. Her eyes froze on the chat moderator’s message:
Heather Head-lee: Welcome Cutieboomd. Say hi to Brian aka Sexy#8. That name’s no lie, right ladies?! ;-)
Mina’s throat dried. She felt like ducking when she saw the next message.
Sexy#8: Hi Cutieboo. Wht part of MD u frm?
Her hands froze over the keyboard. She had no idea what JZ, Todd, and Greg had put in Cutieboomd’s profile. She typed Del Rio Bay, then quickly deleted it. No way they would have been honest, since they made the account to lurk on the down low. She took a deep breath and dove in.
Cutieboomd: suitland
Sexy#8: word? I used 2 live in Potomac.
Heather Head-lee: So Brian, naturally all the ladies are dying 2 kno r u single or taken?
The chatters went into a frenzy.
Luvmesome#8: omg pls say SINGLE
Hotgurl890: wouldn’t matter. Gf’s r meant 2 b cheated on ;-)
Ballergirl: heard u have a gf back home in DRB
Sexigroupie765: well if u got 1 the ques is r u lookin 4 a chick
on the side. i live in Durham! Bet ur gf doesn’t.
Answer after answer poured in. Mina had to scroll up several times to see Brian’s actual answer. Her heart dropped to her stomach.
Sexy#8: totally single
Another round of frenzied responses poured in. Mina could barely keep up, until she realized Brian’s answers were a bolded dark blue and the moderator’s a bolded black in a sea of lighter colors and shades.
Heather Head-lee: So how do u feel about groupies? Sexy#8: LOL ummm ... for ’em
Mina rolled her eyes. She was surprised when Brian addressed Cutieboomd directly again.
Sexy#8: Cutieboo how big a fan r u?
Mina squinted at the screen. What the heck did that question mean? She debated how to answer as the chatters grumbled about the light shining on her.
Sexigroupie765: come on B I kno MD is ur hometown but dont play favorites! Durham ur new home, show me some luv. Luvdudeswhoball: LOL dont 4get the west coast. Cali got luv for #8 too.
Still uncertain what to say or even if she wanted to deal with another forty minutes of this, Mina finally responded, playing along.
Cutieboomd: a huge one. Still have a program frm game u played in @ Flowered Arms Academy. On my wall now ... kiss it every nt.
She grinned, caught up in her own cleverness. These girls might be fans of Brian now, but how many of them knew much about Brian before Duke? The thought of Brian asking which game put her in a panic. She had no idea who Flo-A played.
Heather Head-lee: Woah got a ringer, somebody who knows u from back in the day. Sexy#8: Damn thas hot!
I know it is, Mina thought. Take that, Sexigroupie765.
She watched as the other chatters tried to one-up her, justifying their fan-hood. She seriously hated Sexigroupie765 and Hotgurl890. If this were an in-person chat, they would be naked by now. She almost forgot to be mad at Brian. The chat was so over the top, it was obvious he was playing a role—worshipped god among his groupies. She wasn’t going to hate on him for that, though the words “totally single” were singed in her brain.
She laughed as Lovemesome#8 and Sexigroupie765 got into an argument and Heather Head-lee had to remind the ladies of Groupie Love’s “rules.”
Do the rules include “must be a total slut?” Mina wondered.
She sat back, enjoying the drama when a message popped into the right-hand corner of her screen.
Sexy#8 requests a private chat. Do you accept?
“No he didn’t,” Mina said, jaw dropping. She bit her top lip and stared at the message.
JZ had said not to set Brian up, but she hadn’t lured him. She’d been the quietest one in the entire chat. She ... Mina snorted. He approached her and she was the one feeling guilty.
She clicked yes and waited.
Sexy#8: so u frm suitland huh? Do I kno u?
Cutieboomd: no we’ve never met
Sexy#8: but u saw me play? Suitland beat Flo-A pretty bad my soph yr ... must not have been my best game. LOL
Mina blew out a huge breath of relief, her worries about details gone. She swung with the chat, letting the words come naturally.
Cutieboomd: u still looked hot tho
Sexy#8: thx. whut abt u? whut u look like? U don’t have pics on ur profile
Mina’s stomach clenched. She hated how deep he was getting himself, but she couldn’t stop playing her part.
Cutieboomd: u been checking me out?
Sexy#8: lol a lil bit.
Cutieboomd: tell u what, if ur serious I’ll post a pic l8r Sexy#8: what’s serious?
Cutieboomd: jus wondering how bad u want 2 see me Sexy#8: jus makin sure u aint a dude
If I were, that would be good enough for you, Mina thought, typing back angrily.
Cutieboomd: def’ntly not a dude. U’ll see if u play rt Sexy#8: dam u got game girl. its over 100 girls in the chat rm who would send me their 1st born if I asked and u teasing. thas cool. i don’t mind the chase.
Cutieboomd: all dogs like 2 chase tail
Sexy#8: ouch! its true ... but it still hurt
Cutieboomd: lol j/k
Sexy#8: naw its aight. so how old r u?
Cutieboomd: 17. I’m a sr. at Suitland High School. so y did u msg me? U got chix in there rdy 2 fight
Sexy#8: lol its crazy in there. im still in there chilln but most of da chix in there not bein real
Cutieboomd: r u being real?
Sexy#8: always
Mina’s eyes rolled. She wanted to kill him.
Cutieboomd: so r u really single? heard u had a gf
Sexy#8: how u hear that?
Cutieboomd: cant tell u all that. but wht kind of groupie wld I b if I didn’t kno all the details of my fave player?
Sexy#8: righ’ righ’ well I had a gf but its 2 hard 2 do that ldr thing. kno what I mean?
Mina snorted. She sure did.
Cutieboomd: yeah
Sexy#8: u have a bf?
Cutieboomd: does it matter? if i did—i wouldn’t da nite u dipped by
Sexy#8: umph thas what im talkin bout. so u gon post that pic or what?
Mina scrolled to the top and read the chat from the beginning, dissecting every word, turning them over, inspecting them for interpretation, wishing there was a way for Brian to be innocent. When she confirmed the verdict for herself she responded.
Cutieboomd: yup. putting ’em up now.
She posted several pictures of herself and one of her and Brian together that only she had, so he’d know without a doubt it was her and not someone playing a prank, then logged off.
“You played yourself.”
“Lately, I get the feeling we’re not the same.”
—16 Frames, “Everything Around Me”
Mina cut her computer off and took her time undressing.
She dropped the clothes on the bottom of her closet, turned her light off, and got into bed. The darkness nestled her in its bosom and she let the tears flow, soft and hot onto her pillow. Brian’s betrayal hurt, but the reality of what she felt hurt more.
She was empty.
She’d wanted so badly to believe that she was the nutcase worrying needlessly about Brian cheating that discovering the truth only left her exhausted.
Her phone buzzed angrily beside her, as she expected it would. She let it buzz three more times, then hit Send calmly.
“What the fuck? So you set me up?” Brian’s angry voice said.
“Yeah, that’s it, Brian,” she said quietly. “I set you up. I made you message me privately. And I forced you to ask me for a picture. Then I put a gun to your head so you’d say you broke up with me because it’s too hard to do that ldr thing, know what I mean?”
Her bluntness threw him off. His breathing came hard and heavy over the line. Mina remained lying down, the phone sitting on her top ear. She pressed it closer so she could hear better when he talked.
“Why’d you do that, Toughie?”
Mina’s tears flowed harder at the regret in his voice.
“Why’d you do it?” she asked with equal remorse.
His silence stretched forever. She waited, wondering if Brian would practice what he preached when it came to honesty and being real and wasn’t surprised when he did.
“I don’t know. I know I messed up.”
Her voice hitched. “You were gonna ... h-h-hook up with this girl? Some random girl you met online?”
“I was just ... messing around. Seriously.”
“Brian, stop. If I had given you my phone number or arranged a time for you to drop by once you got home, you would have totally acted on it.” Her voice rose angrily. “Don’t lie anymore.”
“I can’t believe you did this shit,” he said, astounded. “All I asked was for you to let things run its course, Mina.” His voice squeaked in his anger “Why’d you do this?”
“Why are you blaming me?” she said, crying harder, unsure whether to be angry or apologetic.
“Because we had a good thing going,” he spat. “I’m three hundred miles away. You can’t keep me in check from there and I can’t check you.When I got home for the summer it was gon’ be cool, we were gonna be together. But you couldn’t let shit be. Damn.”
He continued to curse and mutter under his breath. Mina nearly apologized until she remembered him glibly agreeing he was like a dog chasing tail.
“It’s not my fault.” She sat up, lighting into him as loud as she dared. “And you know what? It was only a good thing for you. I’ve been a basket case since you left for school. Half the time I can’t eat or sleep wondering what you’re doing. I wanted to believe we could do this, Brian, but I couldn’t ... I can’t.”
“Then why didn’t you break up with me?”
“Why didn’t you break up with me?” she spat. “You’re the one chasing slutty groupies.”
“Because I thought we could each do our own thing and still be cool when I was home.”
“What is our own thing, Brian?” Her voice bounced off the dark, quiet walls and she lowered it to a fierce whisper. “We never agreed to see other people.”
“Not officially, but you knew I wasn’t going to be down here twiddling my thumbs in my dorm room every night.”
The words stung Mina. “So then you’ve been cheating the entire time?”
He sucked his teeth. “No.”
“Yeah, excuse me if I don’t believe that,” she snorted.
“Believe what you want,” he snapped.
“So you haven’t gone out with anyone in Durham?” she asked, hating herself for caring.
“Gone out? Grabbed a bite to eat or went to a party with somebody. . . yeah. But I haven’t sexed nobody.”
Mina’s arms folded across her chest. “And how come you never told me about any of this?”
“Because it wasn’t a big deal.” His voice was incredulous. “So you’ve been sitting home every weekend doing nothing?”
“I’ve been busy, Brian, and when I go out it’s with the clique.”
“Well, I don’t really have a clique anymore. I’m just chilling, meeting new people and enjoying school.”
“Well, when you come home you can enjoy Cutieboomd,” she huffed, adding snidely, “Oh that’s right. She’s not real. You’re burnt.”
“Man, you’re so ...”
“So what?” Mina said, challenging.
“Obsessed. You never let shit go, Mina. All you had to do was trust me and—”
“Trust you?” She snorted. “I did trust you and look what happened.”
“No, you didn’t trust me and that’s why this happened.”
Mina took the phone from her ear and looked at, as if she’d heard wrong. Brian was still talking when she put it back up to her ear.
“You played yourself,” he said.
Her body shook with fury, then trembled with cold doubt. She rubbed at the goose bumps on her arms. She had brought this on herself, but it must have been meant to happen, whether she liked the end result or not.
She took three deep breaths, then closed her eyes.
No, this wasn’t happening. When she opened her eyes she’d be back at Jill Ling’s party or at JZ’s New Year’s Eve Party, the last time she and Brian had been happy ... anywhere but here. She pinched her eyes closed, willing this to be
a dream, scared to open them to reality. But his voice reached into her haven.
“I’m sorry, Toughie. I honestly thought we had an understanding that what happened while we were apart stayed in the past.”
Tears leaked from Mina’s closed eyes. She let Brian talk, unable to speak.
“Mina, I know I messed up. But I wouldn’t hurt you on purpose.” He paused, waiting for her to respond, but she refused.
His voice, gentle and pleading, coaxed her. “I don’t want to lose you.”
Mina sniffed and it seemed to give him hope.
“Can we work it out?”
Her eyes fluttered open. She spoke low and tentative. “Remember you said I was obsessed?”
He rushed to explain, “I didn’t mean—”
“No.You’re right,” Mina said. “But that’s just me, Brian. I get ... so into something and it’s like, I just want to throw myself into it all the way. I don’t know how not to do that.” She took a deep breath, letting the words find their way out. “I wanted so bad not to care what you did at school. And when I saw you at Christmas time, I almost didn’t. But then I would care and when I did, I needed to hear that you still loved me. I waited for any tiny sign or signal that you still loved me—”