Tales From a Not-So-Friendly Frenemy

by Rachel Renée Russell

  MACKENZIE’S FAN CLUB

  They begged her for an autograph and took selfies with her like she was a Hollywood A-list celebrity or something.

  Due to MacKenzie’s newfound FAME, she decided to CANCEL the meeting with Principal Winston!!

  Which means I no longer have to worry about getting kicked out of school because of false allegations of cyberbullying. Since MacKenzie just confessed on national television that SHE posted the bug video, this DRAMAFEST is over!

  FOREVER!!

  SQUEEEEEE!!

  !!

  TUESDAY—2:50 P.M.

  AT MY LOCKER

  OMG! I feel SO relieved! It’s like a ton of weight has FINALLY been lifted off my shoulders.

  I actually survived the student exchange program at North Hampton Hills.

  I’m STILL in the running for that fabulous trip to Paris.

  That selfie-addicted DIVA, Tiffany Blaine Davenport, is out of my life FOREVER!

  And MacKenzie’s cyberbullying FIASCO is finally over.

  But when Chloe, Zoey, and I passed by the office after lunch today, we saw the STRANGEST thing.

  MacKenzie was frantically digging through the lost and found box like she’d lost her MIND! And Jessica was helping her. . . .

  MACKENZIE SEARCHES FOR HER LOST DIARY!

  That’s when I remembered that she’d LOST her leopard-print diary and NEVER found it. Which was actually MY DIARY, which she’d STOLEN from ME and disguised with a leopard-print cover (another LONG story)! At least I got it back!

  Anyway, it’s official! MacKenzie announced that she’s transferring from NHH BACK to WCD!

  I think this probably means she HATES me LESS than she HATES Tiffany.

  And since her video went viral, she has resumed her throne as queen of the CCPs.

  According to the latest gossip, MacKenzie and Jessica are BFFs again. They’re already planning to make a Part Two of the bug video.

  Unfortunately for me, MacKenzie was reassigned to the locker right next to MINE.

  JUST GREAT !!

  MacKenzie was gone for FIVE weeks and has only been back for a few hours.

  But it feels like she never LEFT!

  I really hope her experiences at North Hampton Hills International Academy taught her a valuable lesson and that she’ll change for the better.

  But personally . . . I wouldn’t hold my BREATH !

  I’m just happy to be back at WCD and hanging out with my friends, Chloe, Zoey, and Brandon.

  And although MY life is far from perfect, I’m REALLY happy to FINALLY have it back.

  WHY? Because . . .

  I’m SUCH a DORK!!

  !!

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Liesa Abrams Mignogna, my INCREDIBLE editorial director. Thank you for your steadfast patience and support. You have the unique ability to hear Nikki’s voice even before she has spoken a word.

  A special thanks to Karin Paprocki, my BRILLIANT and CREATIVE art director, and my AMAZING managing editor, Katherine Devendorf. Thanks for all that you do! Your guidance and assistance has been invaluable.

  Daniel Lazar, my REMARKABLE agent at Writers House. Thanks for your friendship, for your support, and for helping Dork Diaries become an international bestseller.

  A special thanks to my Team Dork staff at Aladdin/Simon & Schuster, Mara Anastas, Mary Marotta, Jon Anderson, Julie Doebler, Faye Bi, Carolyn Swerdloff, Lucille Rettino, Matt Pantoliano, Tara Grieco, Catherine Hayden, Michelle Leo, Candace McManus, Anthony Parisi, Christina Solazzo, Lauren Forte, Jenica Nasworthy, Kayley Hoffman, Matt Jackson, Ellen Grafton, Jenn Rothkin, Ian Reilly, Christina Pecorale, Gary Urda, and the entire sales force. You guys ROCK!

  To Torie Doherty-Munro at Writers House; to my foreign rights agents Maja Nikolic, Cecilia de la Campa, and Angharad Kowal; and to Deena, Zoé, Marie, and Joy—thanks for helping me Dorkify the world!

  And last but not least, my supertalented coauthor, Erin; my supertalented illustrator, Nikki; Kim; Doris; and my entire family! I love you lots!

  Always remember to let your inner DORK shine through!

  There’s a new dork in town! Turn the page for a sneak peek at Max Crumbly’s journal!

  1. MY SECRET LIFE AS A SUPERHERO ZERO

  If I had SUPERPOWERS, life in middle school wouldn’t be quite so CRUDDY.

  Hey, I’d NEVER miss the stupid bus again, because I’d just FLY to school! . . .

  AWESOME, right? That would pretty much make ME the COOLEST kid at my school!

  But I’ll let you in on a secret. Getting bombed by an angry bird is NOT cool. It’s just . . . NASTY!!

  TV, comic books, and movies make all this superhero stuff look SO easy. But it ISN’T! So don’t believe the HYPE.

  You CAN’T get superpowers by hanging out in a laboratory, mixing up colorful, glowing liquids that you simply DRINK. . . .

  ME, MIXING UP A YUMMY SUPERPOWER SMOOTHIE

  HOW do I know it doesn’t work? . . .

  “OOPS!”

  Let me put it this way. . . .

  Even if I DID have superpowers, the very first person I’d need to rescue is . . .

  MYSELF!

  WHY?

  Because a guy at school pulled a lousy PRANK on me.

  And, unfortunately, I might be DEAD by the time you read this!

  Yes, I said “DEAD.”

  Okay, I’ll admit that he didn’t MEAN to kill me.

  But still . . . !!

  So if you’re the type who gets FREAKED OUT over this kind of stuff (or comic book cliffhangers), you probably shouldn’t read my journal. . . .

  Um . . . excuse me, but are you STILL reading?!

  Okay, fine! Go right ahead.

  Just don’t say I didn’t warn you!

  2. IF THERE’S A DEAD BODY INSIDE MY LOCKER, IT’S PROBABLY ME!

  It all started as a normal, boring, CRUMMY day in my abnormally boring, CRUMMY life.

  My morning was a disaster because I overslept. Then it went straight downhill from there.

  I completely lost track of time at breakfast while reading a really old comic book that my father found in the attic a few days ago.

  He said his dad had given it to him as a birthday gift when he was a kid.

  He warned me to be super careful with it and not take it out of the house because it was a collectible and probably worth a few hundred dollars.

  My dad was pretty serious about it because he’d already scheduled an appointment to get it appraised at the local comic book store.

  However, since I was running late for school, I decided to sneak take the comic book with me and finish reading it during lunch.

  Like, what could happen to it at school?!

  Anyway, as I rushed to the bus stop, the zipper broke on my backpack and all my stuff fell out, including Dad’s comic book.

  I was like, Oh, CRUD!! My dad is going to STRANGLE ME if I damage his comic book!

  I grabbed the comic book and was desperately trying to pick up everything else when the bus pulled up, screeched to a halt, waited all of three seconds, and then zoomed off again.

  Without me!

  Hey, I ran after that thing like it was a $100 bill blowing in the wind!

  “STOP!! STOP!! STOOOOP!”

  I yelled.

  But it didn’t.

  Which meant I missed the bus, was forced to walk to school, and arrived twenty minutes late.

  Next I got chewed out by the office secretary. She gave me a tardy slip and then threatened an after-school detention because I had interrupted her while she was eating a jelly doughnut.

  And just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get ANY worse, they did.

  When I stopped by my locker to get my books, suddenly everything went DARK.

  That’s when I realized I was TRAPPED in my worst . . .

  NIGHTMARE!

  I knew attending a new middle school was going to be tough, but this is INSANE.

  My life STINKS!

  I know you’re proba
bly thinking, Dude, just chill! Everybody has a BAD day at school.

  Stop whining and GET OVER IT!

  For real?

  Are you serious?

  Like, HOW am I supposed to get over THIS?! . . .

  Doug Thurston, better known as “Thug” Thurston, just STUFFED ME INSIDE MY LOCKER!! AGAIN! And it’s only the second week of school.

  Are we having FUN yet? I’ve been crammed inside here for what seems like forever!!

  And, unfortunately, I don’t have my cell phone to call for help! I was in such a big rush this morning, I left it sitting right on the table after breakfast.

  My legs are so numb, I could probably saw off my big toe with my metal ruler and not feel a thing. And did I mention that I just had an asthma attack? If I didn’t always have my inhaler with me at school, I’d probably already be dead by now!

  I'm definitely going to be dead by lunchtime due to suffocation from limited oxygen and the stench of the funky gym clothes in the locker next door.

  Which is ironic when you think about it, because I should have died DURING lunch the first time I ate the SEWER SLUDGE they try to pass off as food in the cafeteria!

  And if all of THIS isn’t enough TORTURE, I have to PEE! REALLY bad!

  I need to figure out how I’m going to get out of this stupid locker.

  Luckily, I have my flashlight key chain with me. Otherwise it would be pitch-black in here.

  The ONLY reason I’m writing all of this in my journal is because I’m worried that one day Thug Thurston will stuff me in my locker and I’ll NEVER get out.

  So I came up with an ingenious plan.

  When the authorities arrive to investigate my mysterious disappearance, the FIRST thing they’re going to find inside my locker (after my DECOMPOSED BODY!) is this journal! . . .

  ME, AFTER I’M FOUND INSIDE MY LOCKER WITH MY JOURNAL!

  I’m calling it THE MISADVENTURES OF MAX CRUMBLY, and it’s basically a highly detailed record of all the CRAP I’ve had to deal with! my experiences here at this school.

  Since there’s a chance I WON’T make it out of my locker alive, I’ve provided enough evidence in these pages to send Thug Thurston away to PRISON!

  For LIFE!

  Or at least land his butt in after-school detention every day until he graduates or drops out of school, whichever comes first!

  Hey, I’m NOT trying to save the world or be a hero or anything like that, so don’t get it twisted.

  But if I can prevent what happened to ME from happening to YOU or another kid, then every second I spend suffering inside my locker will be worth it.

  3. HOW DARTH VADER BECAME MY FATHER

  I know some of you are probably thinking . . .

  Is this guy for real? Is he actually writing all of this from INSIDE his LOCKER?

  I totally understand and appreciate your skepticism.

  I’M having a REALLY hard time believing all of this is actually happening to me TOO! I guess I should start by introducing myself.

  My name is Maxwell Crumbly, and I’m an eighth grader at South Ridge Middle School.

  But most of the kids at my school just call me Barf, after I threw up my oatmeal in PE class Max.

  And YES! I did all these drawings myself.

  Here’s what I look like right now. . . .

  Actually, that is probably NOT the best drawing of me. So let me try this again.

  Okay, here’s one that’s a lot better. . . .

  SELF-PORTRAIT OF ME (MAX CRUMBLY)

  I have to admit, I’m still trying to adjust to this whole public school thing.

  When I was younger, I had severe asthma and panic attacks, and one of the triggers was stress.

  So for medical reasons my parents made the decision eight years ago to have me homeschooled by my GRANDMOTHER.

  But that’s not even the SCARIEST part. She’s a retired KINDERGARTEN teacher!!

  All the naptimes, sippy cups, and storybooks I endured in seventh grade were just . . . WRONG!

  If I have to eat another animal cracker, I swear I’m gonna puke an entire ZOO!

  Sorry, but there’s only so much humiliation a kid can take.

  So I secretly made plans to call Child Protective Services and report my grandma for CHILD ABUSE!

  It was probably the happiest day of my life when my parents FINALLY agreed to let me attend South Ridge Middle School.

  Since I’m a lot older now and on new medication, my doctor said I should be just fine.

  The only complication is that if my parents find out I’m having any problem WHATSOEVER at my new school that could be stressful for me, I’m gonna be stuck with Grandma, sippy cups, and naptimes until high school graduation! they’re going to snatch me out of this school so fast it’ll make my head spin.

  So I really need to fix this Thug Thurston problem. And FAST!!!

  But it’s kind of complicated because he’s as big as an ox and kind of smells like one too.

  I sit right behind him in math class, and some days it’s hard for me to breathe. So I just plug my nose and mutter to myself. . . .

  ME, TRYING NOT TO BREATHE THUG’S TOXIC BODY ODOR FUMES

  Do you remember me mentioning that I have an inhaler? It provides a strong dose of medicine to help me breathe.

  Well, that thing is totally USELESS against Thug!

  I scrounged around our garage until I found my dad’s gas mask (his hobby is painting cars). And now I wear it to class for “medical reasons” whenever Thug’s STINK is abnormally PUNGENT. . . .

  The weird thing is that Thug is really friendly to me on the days that I wear it.

  WHY?

  Because he actually thinks I’m DARTH VADER’S SON! I swear. I am NOT lying to you.

  He told me that when he grows up he wants to go to college to become a Dark Sith Lord just like my DAD. And he said he’s already saved up $3.94 toward buying a black cape, a mask, and a red lightsaber.

  Definitely some CRAZY stuff, right? But it makes sense when you consider the fact that Thug has flunked eighth grade, like, THREE times!

  I almost fell out of my chair when he invited Darth Vader’s son ME over to his house for pizza and video games.

  But I decided NOT to go, because at some point I was going to have to take off my mask to eat a few slices of pizza.

  And when Thug FINALLY figured out I really WASN’T Darth Vader’s son, he was going to beat my face into a pulp.

  If I could stand to wear that mask the entire school day, I bet Thug and I could become BEST BUDS! . . .

  THUG AND ME, HANGING OUT!

  Since we’re on the subject of best buds, I can count the number of friends I have on one hand with just one finger.

  A few weeks ago I met this guy at the store Pets-N-Stuff, but he goes to Westchester Country Day Middle School. I was there buying dog food with my grandma’s crazy Yorkie, Creampuff, when the little furball started yip-yapping viciously (I say that with sarcasm) and jumped out of my arms to “attack” this guy who was walking by.

  “Whoa! Easy there, killer!” he laughed. Then he dug into his pocket, pulled out a doggy treat, knelt down, and held it out. “I’m your friend! See?”

  Creampuff stopped barking, and after sniffing the stranger’s hand, he happily accepted the treat, wagged his tail, and then licked the guy’s face.

  “Dude! He’s nicer to you than he is to me, and I’ve been feeding him and picking up his poop for five years!” I exclaimed.

  “Yeah, Yorkies are a little high-strung. But they’re friendly once they warm up to you,” he explained.

  “So, you’re like the Dog Whisperer. How did you learn to be so good with dogs?” I asked.

  “Actually, I spend WAY too much time with them,” he laughed. “I volunteer at Fuzzy Friends Animal Rescue Center.”

  “I’m no dog trainer, but I can give Creampuff a bath without drowning him!” I joked. “Does Fuzzy Friends need a dog washer?”

  That’s how Brandon and I became good friends. He
’s pretty cool, and we hang out at Fuzzy Friends once a week, taking care of the dogs there.

  And, unlike Thug, Brandon isn’t hanging around me just because he thinks my dad is Darth Vader.

  What can I say? Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, while others (like Thug) just GARGLE and SPIT!

  PHOTOGRAPH @ BY SUNA LEE

  Rachel Renée Russell is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of the blockbuster book series Dork Diaries and the bestselling new series The Misadventures of Max Crumbly.

  There are thirty million copies of her books in print worldwide, and they have been translated into thirty-seven languages.

  She enjoys working with her two daughters, Erin and Nikki, who help write and illustrate her books.

  Rachel’s message is “Always let your inner dork shine through!”

  Also by

  Rachel Renée Russell

  Dork Diaries: Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life

  Dork Diaries 2: Tales from a Not-So-Popular Party Girl

  Dork Diaries 3: Tales from a Not-So-Talented Pop Star

  Dork Diaries 31/2: How to Dork Your Diary

  Dork Diaries 4: Tales from a Not-So-Graceful Ice Princess Dork

  Diaries 5: Tales from a Not-So-Smart Miss Know-It-All Dork

  Diaries 6: Tales from a Not-So-Happy Heartbreaker

  Dork Diaries OMG!: All About Me Diary!

  Dork Diaries 7: Tales from a Not-So-Glam TV Star

  Dork Diaries 8: Tales from a Not-So-Happily Ever After

  Dork Diaries 9: Tales from a Not-So-Dorky Drama Queen

  Dork Diaries 10: Tales from a Not-So-Perfect Pet Sitter

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.