by Jeremy Asher
When Sarah returned to her father, Jesse sat relaxed in the chair by the bed. Neither noticed her at first. She leaned against the doorway, taking in the sight. Life was funny sometimes. Jesse Malone, sitting at the side of her father in his darkest hours, the same way he had done when they were twelve and Sarah and her mom had one of their blowouts and she had nowhere else to turn. Ever since they were kids he had this ability to make things better just being there.
Jesse looked up. He stood and motioned for her to take his seat next to her father.
Stanley turned to Sarah and smiled. “Are you okay?”
She nodded. “I thought you were sleeping.”
“I don’t sleep well in hospitals.”
“I know.” She remembered the few nights they had spent at the hospital. It seemed they had to leave just so that he could get some rest. She reached over the rail and grabbed his hand. “Do you miss your garden?”
He nodded.
She looked at the bandage on his head. “You took a nasty spill today. Are you feeling okay?”
He squeezed Sarah’s hand. “Much better now.” The weakness in his voice told another story.
She reached over and gently rubbed his thin, gray hair. “Dad?”
“Yes, honey?”
“I’m scared,” she said, trying not to cry.
With a shaking hand, he reached over and gently rubbed her cheek. “You don’t have to be afraid, sweetheart. It won’t be long now.”
She closed her eyes as she pressed his frail hand firmly to her cheek and thought about everything she wanted to tell him. Her mind went blank. She didn’t want to tell him anything. She just wanted to fix him. It was too soon to say goodbye. “I wish I could go back to when I was your little girl, your little shadow in the garden, following you around, watching you, learning from you. Back to when we fished in the creek and had lunches beneath the willow tree.”
“You’ll always be my little girl.” He paused. His expression softened and sadness filled his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Are you in pain?”
Stanley shook his head and his eyes began to water. “I’m just so sorry.”
“For what?”
“For not giving you the life you deserved. You’ve had to weather more than any little girl should have to. I wish I could have given you better.”
“Why would you say that? You’re the best father a girl could have ever asked for. You remember when I went to my first formal school dance?”
He nodded. “Skip Randall. I never did like that boy.”
“I know you didn’t,” Sarah said, smiling. “I didn’t always have the best instincts when it came to boyfriends.”
“He smelled like fish sticks,” Stanley said.
“Okay, okay, enough about Skip Randall.” Sarah laughed. “Most girls my age had already been to a formal dance, but this was the first time I had been asked and I didn’t have a formal dress to wear. All of my friends talked about how they went shopping with their moms and picked out beautiful dresses. But I didn’t have a mom to do that with.” She leaned closer to the bed.
“You came home from work and found me crying in my room. I remember the look on your face when I told you that I didn’t have anything pretty to wear. You looked at me and said, ‘We’re going to get you the prettiest dress in New Haven.’” She paused and looked down at his hand. “You didn’t hesitate. You didn’t complain, like most fathers would have done. Instead, you took your little girl out shopping for a dress.” She looked up and saw his proud smile. “For me, that moment is what I think about when I think about my first dance. Not Skip Randall. You were and are a great father. The best a girl could ever ask for.”
Eyes glossy, Stanley’s arms shook as he propped himself up.
“What are you doing?” Sarah asked. “Dad, you should stay lying down.”
Ignoring her advice, he leaned toward her. She met him halfway with arms wrapped around his frail frame. “I’m sorry I let you down, Sarah.”
“What are you talking about?” Sarah asked.
“For not being there to walk you down the aisle. For not having the chance to see how beautiful you look in your wedding dress. For not giving you away.”
Sarah tried to force back the tears, but it was no use. The thought of her dad not being at her wedding was more than she could bear.
She felt him pull back, then helped him settle back into his bed.
“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”
He looked up at the ceiling and tears flowed down the sides of his eyes. “I want more than anything to be there for you, Sarah.”
“I know,” she said, wiping a few tears from her cheeks. Then she placed a hand on her chest. “You haven’t let me down, Dad. I will always carry you here, and as long as you’re here, you’ll always be with me.”
Stanley smiled. “You’re not my little girl anymore.” He paused to catch his breath. “You’ve grown up to be a beautiful, responsible woman. I’m the luckiest father on earth.”
Sarah placed her hand on his forehead and stroked his gray hair. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”
“Don’t worry about me, Sarah.” He pointed to the ceiling. “I’ll be watching you from Heaven.”
Like a flood breaking a dam, she laid her head on his chest and began sobbing. Her father was leaving and nothing she or the doctors did would stop that from happening.
“Promise me something, sweetheart. Promise me that you’ll be happy. Don’t spend your life looking out the window wishing you were somewhere else.” His squeezed her hand as if suddenly filled with renewed strength.
She nodded. “I promise.”
“I’ll always be there for you, Sarah. Whenever you find yourself in the middle of a storm, I want you to think about the willow tree.” His eyes trailed back up to the ceiling. “The sunlight crashing through the tall branches as the draping leaves dance in the wind.” He closed his eyes, as if transporting himself to the place in his mind.
A faint shadow moved across the wall. Sarah turned to see Jesse moving closer. Then she felt his strong hands squeeze her shoulders.
“That’s where you’ll find me, Sarah.” Stanley paused, and then whispered, “That’s where you’ll find me.”
Sarah felt her father’s grip loosening. “Dad?”
Without opening his eyes, he said, “I love you.” Then he let out a long, slow breath.
“Dad?” she asked, shaking his hand. “Don’t go,” she pleaded. “Please, Dad, don’t go.”
Tears filled her eyes once again. “I’m not ready,” she cried. She looked up at Jesse, whose cheeks were moist with tears. He placed his arm around her, as if trying to absorb her pain.
She leaned forward and gently kissed her father’s cheek. And then whispered, “I love you, Dad.”
Chapter 27
Jesse
After years of strife, Stanley’s battle had finally come to an end. Jesse watched as the nurses came into the room and turned off the machines, making the room quiet. Sarah continued to hold her father’s hand, as if letting go would somehow lead to the finality of her loss. Tears fell from her cheeks, landing on his bed. Jesse ached for her. Her understood her loss, and he knew that nothing but time would make things feel any better. Although he hadn’t known Sarah’s father long, he got the feeling that his own life was somehow better having spent a few moments with him.
He sat with his arm around Sarah’s shoulder. Neither the nurses nor the doctors disturbed them.
“I’m so sorry, Sarah.”
Sarah wrapped her arms around him as if afraid she might lose him, too.
“What am I going to do without him?” Her voice was softer than a whisper.
“You’re going to continue living. Being the girl he loved and the woman he was proud to have raised.”
She squeezed tighter. Jesse rubbed her back, trying to soothe her, trying to do whatever he could to take away her pain.
Before Jesse could say another word,
he felt Sarah’s grip loosen and then pull away. “Are you okay?”
She said the last thing he expected her to say in that moment. “Kevin.”
Jesse saw the look of surprise in Sarah’s eyes. He turned to find Kevin standing in the doorway. He looked at Sarah and Jesse, and then at Stanley. “Is he…”
Sarah nodded and tears came back to her eyes. “He’s gone.”
Kevin rushed into the room and scooped her into his arms. “I’m so sorry, Sarah.” He stroked her hair and held her, just as Jesse had done. “I tried to get here as soon as I could. I’m sorry I didn’t make it.”
She wiped her eyes with a tissue. “It’s okay. He wasn’t in any pain. He went peacefully.” Then she looked over at Jesse. “Jesse was nice enough to stay with me.”
Kevin’s gaze turned to Jesse. “Thank you for being here.” He reached out his hand.
Jesse shook it and said, “It was nothing.”
Kevin pulled Sarah into another embrace. “Tell me what you need. I’m here for you now.”
Jesse felt his heart constrict, like a giant pair of hands squeezing, crushing it. He looked toward the hallway. This shouldn’t bother him, yet it did. The woman he first loved, he first kissed, was now with someone else. And not just someone else, but a successful attorney with money, with a normal life, with a normal past. She deserved that. Especially now, after she had lost the one person who meant the world to her, who had given everything to make sure she was happy. She belonged to Kevin and nothing was going to change that. Besides, it wasn’t as if Jesse was looking for love, or the pain and consequences that love brought with it.
Sarah walked back over to her father, reminding Jesse of another example of what happens when you love someone. He left her and took a piece of her heart with him.
Jesse said a silent goodbye to Stanley and walked out of the room. Without looking back, he headed toward the elevator. Sarah was in good hands now. She was with the man she was going to marry, and more importantly, the man who would be her family from here on out. There was nothing more Jesse could do for her now.
He pushed the down arrow and waited for the doors to slide open and then stepped inside, hitting the ‘1’ button. Before the doors could close, an Armani-suited arm blocked their path. When they slid back open, Jesse saw the million dollar smile on Kevin’s face.
“You left without saying goodbye.”
“Sorry about that.”
Kevin shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. I understand. But can I have a minute of your time?”
“Sure.” Jesse tried to think about what could possibly be more important than Sarah losing her father, but nothing came to mind. Maybe it was about how he hadn’t been showing up to the nursery site, or maybe it had to do with what the doctor had told them. Either way, he couldn’t wait to get the talk over with so that he could be on his way. “What’s on your mind?”
The doors began to shut again and Kevin jumped inside and held the OPEN DOOR button. “Funny you should ask, because there’s been a lot on my mind lately.” He paused and shifted his weight to the other foot. “You know what I do for a living, right?”
Jesse nodded.
“As you can imagine, I deal with people of all sorts. And one thing I’ve gotten quite good at is reading people.”
Jesse said nothing.
“When you first showed up at the party, I wasn’t quite sure what to think. I rushed to a judgment that left Sarah pretty displeased with me. Then I decided to give you a second chance and hired you to help with the greenhouse. Not that I had much choice, seeing as everything else I tried did little to smooth things over with her.” He paused, placing his free hand into his pocket. “And now I come here and find you and her…well, let’s just say I found you and her.”
Jesse knew where this was heading. To a place that only confirmed what he had originally thought about Kevin from his first impression. “You don’t have to worry about anything. After today I’ll be out of your hair.”
Kevin nodded. “I know. Because if I ever see you around her again…” He looked around for onlookers, but it was clear. “Well, let’s just say that I better never see you around her again.”
Jesse thought back to the night he had shared with Sarah and the letter he had written her a week ago. This was the first time since he had written that letter that he wished he hadn’t. As much as Jesse wanted nothing to do with love, he hated being pushed and bullied even more. He thought about all the things he wanted to say to Kevin and the things he wanted to do to him, but before he could say anything, Sarah appeared. “Is everything okay?”
Kevin’s nice guy smile returned as he looked at Sarah. “Everything’s great. I just wanted to thank Jesse for being here. How are you, sweetie?”
“I’m fine. I have to sign some papers. Are you about done here? I’d like you to take a look at them with me.”
Kevin turned to Jesse. “I think I’m finished here.” Then he slid like a snake out of the elevator, still holding on to the button. “I’m glad we were able to have this talk.”
Jesse kept his teeth locked together, trying hard not to let anything slip.
Sarah waved. “Bye, Jesse. Thank you for everything.”
Kevin let go of the button, then wrapped his arm around Sarah and waved goodbye.
Still in shock, Jesse opened his mouth to say goodbye to Sarah, but it was too late. The doors had shut, leaving him speechless, alone, and fuming mad, wanting nothing more than another shot at Kevin’s jaw.
Chapter 28
Sarah
A week had passed since Sarah’s father had died, and still life felt no better, despite the reassurances from everyone that it would. At night she lay awake, pushing away memories of her father as she tried to sleep, tried to keep from crying. Mornings were equally difficult. She had been so used to calling her father as she waited for her coffee to brew, and on the day she did call him, forgetting that the man who had always been there for her was no longer there, the sound of his voice played through the answering machine. She dropped the phone and cried herself back to sleep. Things had definitely not gotten better.
Kevin would be stopping by today. He’d been wonderful, making more frequent stops to her apartment, bringing her food to make sure she was eating. And today he would meet her at her father’s place to help her start clearing things out. He would have gone with her, but she wanted to spend a few minutes there alone first.
She left her bicycle at the steps of her father’s brown house and walked up to the front door. Her hand froze on the doorknob as she took a deep breath to calm the pain in her stomach. What should she expect now that her father was gone?
The door opened with a quiet squeak. Stanley had meant to grease it but never got around to doing so. When it came to maintenance outside of his garden, he tended to put it off for as long as he could. She didn’t blame him. For years he sacrificed the life he wanted for his family, so if he wanted to indulge a bit on his passion now, how could she fault him for that.
The place looked the same, yet different. The placement of the furniture and the accessories were all the same, but something was…missing. Like a burnt out light bulb, the place seemed a little dimmer, a bit colder and less welcoming.
Sarah took a few steps inside and shut the door. Then she walked past the stairs and down the hall to the living area in the back. On the bookshelf sat Stanley’s alphabetized library. His old blue recliner, worn at the arm rests, stood empty. A folded newspaper sat on the table beside the chair along with an empty cup of coffee. The last cup of coffee and newspaper her father had enjoyed. She tried not to cry, but it would have been easier to stop a freight train.
Then she heard a knock at the door. Kevin, thank goodness. She wiped her cheeks and walked back to the foyer. She took a deep breath and opened the door. Only it wasn’t Kevin. Wasn’t a man at all. Instead, Sarah’s eyes met an older, thin woman with long, curly blond hair like a reflection of Sarah’s future. Sarah’s heart skipped a beat.
“Hello, Sarah.”
Sarah didn’t respond, couldn’t respond. She blinked, thinking that maybe the loss of her father had brought on this hallucination, like an emotional mirage, but the woman was still there.
“Sarah. It’s me, sweetheart.”
“Mom?”
The woman nodded. “Can I come in?”
Years of hate came rushing back to Sarah. She wanted to slam the door in her face, and she wanted her mom to wrap her arms around her.
“What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you.”
“How did you know where to find me?”
“I went to your apartment and you weren’t there, so I thought that maybe you’d be here.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about! How did you find me here, in Chicago?”
Her mother’s expression softened. “Your father told me.”
“Nice try, but he’s…” Sarah brought the back of her hand to her mouth and bit back tears.
“I know, sweetheart. And I am so sorry for your loss. He was a wonderful man and—”
“Don’t you dare,” Sarah said. Her other hand still held on to the door, ready to slam it at a moment’s notice. “You don’t have the right to talk about my father.”
“Sarah. He was my husband.”
“That’s right. For years he was your husband. But you weren’t his wife. You left us, remember? On his birthday!” Sarah pulled back the door, readying it for a full-force slam.
“Wait!” her mother shouted. “Please, just let me explain. For the past three months I have been meeting Stanley for lunch.” Sarah didn’t believe her. There’s no way he would waste his time with the woman who had broken both of their hearts. “He told me about you, about Kevin, and about—” She paused and looked down. Tears welled in her eyes. “And about his cancer.”
How could she know these things? Did her father really tell her? Why would he do that? And why would he not tell Sarah about it?