I used to think life was something you could treasure, something you should live for day after day, hour by hour. Because to have life, you were lucky: life meant happiness, life meant freedom, life meant love.
And then I lost someone I loved, and someone I thought I loved betrayed me and hurt me in an unspeakable way. That was the moment I started to question life – the moment it began to fall apart.
Dana was right when she said I was scared I was of living, because I am. But isn’t everyone? Isn’t there always that teeny part in the back of your mind that whisper I can’t do this. It can’t be just me, right?
I roll over onto my bed and sigh up at the ceiling, my eyes working over the swirly patterns randomly, my insides feeling numb and hollow. A cold tears rolls out the corner of my eye and dribbles down to my hairline, followed by a few more, until strands of my hair are wet. My eyes feel heavy and painful as I gulp back the lump in my throat. Crying is only ever a last resort in a horrible situation.
How is it possible to be so empty? So alone? I’ve lost my friends, my boyfriend and my family and now, I have no one. I’m too scared to even look at them anymore – I don’t lift my head up in lessons, I sit in the library on my own at lunch and free periods and I walk to and from school.
I’m afraid of living, and I’m afraid of approaching the people who care about me. How sad is that? I guess that’s just how it will always be for me – lonely, sad and depressing.
When my mum died, my life fell apart. I felt like a huge piece of my heart had been torn from my chest and ripped to shreds. She was my other half, the only person who ever truly understood me. I loved her with all my heart, which was why she took that love away with her when she left. I miss the moments we had together, when we'd curl up and read, or when she'd tell me an elaborate story that made my eyes light up in wonder, only to forget it when it came to writing it all down.
Mum meant fun, she meant laughter and she meant love. The family she held together fell apart without her, and our lives just weren't the same anymore. It wasn't just love mum took away with her; I lost my inspiration, my happiness, my will to live. And the worst thing is that I know she'd hate that. If she could see me now, I know she'd be heartbroken at the sight of her daughter lying on her bed and crying over how everything has gone wrong.
You can make some things right... My subconscious reminds me, but I shake that thought away immediatly. No way... I haven't done that in a long time. I don't remember how... Just try. Loose yourself in the emotions and the words. The scratch of the pen on paper as you pour out your heart and soul...
With a heaving sigh, I sit back up, and I grab my notebook and a pen, before pouring all my emotions out onto the pages, teardrops falling on my words and making them leak, the ink running down and marring each word until you can barely read it. But I know what it says, and that’s all that matters.
I don’t like to swim,
I’m too scared I’ll drown,
That’s why I don’t like heights –
What if I fall?
I never did like gardening,
I’d always fear that everything would die,
But most of all I didn’t like love,
Because I was too afraid to try,
But the only reason I am a cynic,
Is because I know life’s no picnic,
I’ve witnessed my world fall apart,
And I’ve suffered the pains of a broken heart,
Because every time I let someone near,
I’m frozen, by my biggest fear,
I never used to be this broken,
I was happy and outspoken,
But having the one you love taken from your life,
It tears you apart just like a knife,
I’d I’ll always be a victim of that blade,
Because that’s the only reason I was made,
Brought to life to suffer and cry,
To lose my life, before I can even die.
I did it; I found my emotion. I take a deep breath of relief at the thought of making mum smile just the tiniest smile, before looking down to see what I wrote, to see what I'm truly feeling inside...
I gulp, before dropping the notebook on the ground and throwing the pen across the room. No, I insist internally, a scowl crossing over my face as I shuffle back on my bed and press my back against the cold wall. I’m not scared, she’s wrong. I’m not a coward and I don’t fear life.
And, like the effects of cold ice I gasp with realisation, jumping up and running to the notebook, flipping through the pages to look for the poem. I scan the lines desperately, my eyes greedy as they take in each and every word. And there it is – To lose my life, before I can even die.
I may not have known it, but my subconscious sure did. Without me knowing it, the pen had managed to point out what I had been too scared to even admit. And the realisation was like a hard slap of reality, my heart shattering with the finality of it all.
I was losing my life.
Chapter 31
“Okay, that is it,” Clara bursts as she throws the pricing gun down angrily. “I’m sick and tired of you dragging around your mopey ass and bring everybody down.”
I jump, dropping the gun myself and I turn to frown at her. “I’m not mopey.”
“Yes. You are.” She scoffs. “Now you either tell my what’s crawled up your ass and eaten your internal organs and died – or I finish the job and bitch slap you. What’s it gonna be?”
I shake my head desperately, my eyes watering over. “I-I’m losing it, Clara. I’m losing my life, my friends, everything. There’s nothing left anymore, and I just can’t cope anymore.”
She cringes slightly, pink tainting her cheeks and she looks into my eyes. “Oh, shit. I guess I should probably take back what I just said then. Let’s start this conversation over, yeah?” She walks over and picks up her pricing gun, and turns to the shelves. Then, she clears her throat, before dropping the gun dramatically and turning to me with shock written all over her face. “Oh my god, Darcy. Are you okay? Oh, do tell me what’s happened and what’s gotten you so down. I just hate to see one of my bestest work buddies and closest friends so upset.”
I snort slightly, as she pulls me to the boxes of savoury items and sits on top, pulling me down next to her and keeping her hand on mine. “But seriously, tell me what’s up – I may be crazy, but I’m told I give the best advice.”
“Ah huh,” I say doubtfully, before sighing and turning to watch the boss man in his office, wandering around and scowling. It’s pretty funny actually – he’d originally had one-way glass installed, so he could spy on us as we worked. However, they installed it the wrong way around, meaning we could watch him. Shaking myself out of the distraction, I turn my focus back onto the concerned brunette besides me. “Dana, Tyler and everybody hate me. I haven’t talked to them all week. To top it all off I’ve just been feeling so down lately that I just can’t cope.”
She pats my back, her eyes filled with understanding as I break down once again, crying hard on her shoulder. “Tell me,” she urges gently, and I sniff a little before pulling away.
“I don’t know where to start, but I’ll try,” I force a little laugh, but it doesn’t bode well with my tear streaked face and the lack of life in my eyes. “After my mum died, my dad lost all control. He drinks, he’s gone for days and the only times I ever see him are when he’s in a coma on the sofa or when he’s being brought home by the police. It turns out my mum killed herself because of me, and because I reminded her of a miscarriage. The person I relied so much on at the time of her death raped me and now, I’m just losing it. I have no friends, no parents and my boyfriend thinks I don’t trust him.”
I begin to cry into her yellow shirt again, and she comforts me gently and quietly, stroking my hair and my back and whispering gently how it’ll all be alright and that it’s okay. Eventually, I pull away from her, and I grimace when I see the mess I’ve made of her shirt. She laughs loudly.
“It’s alright, I never really cared much for it anyway.”
“Obviously,” I mumble, rolling my eyes at her. “It’s uniform.”
She nods, before smiling sadly at me. “I told you a little about what my life was like in high school, right? Before I got work here and before I started college, blah, blah, blah.”
“Yeah, you did.” I frowned, trying to remember. “Brothers?”
“And a sister,” she nods, clicking her tongue and grinning at me. “My mum was a drunk too, and so I was always left alone to look after them. Did it faze me? Eh, not so much. Didn’t do well for my high school grades, though,” she winks at me, and she doesn’t even have to add the not like it mattered at the end.
“But it was the blokes I couldn’t stand. Thieves, dicks and addicts: the lot of them. But it was the one she ‘loved’ most that was the worse.” She used air quotes around the word love, and I nodded in understanding. “He wasn’t a nice man at all. I knew the moment I laid eyes on him that he was bad news – mostly because he was staring at my chest through the whole “hello, nice to meet you” shebang. What a pervert.” She shivers.
“But he wasn’t just a pervert, because that would be just too lucky. He used to touch me, you know.” She sighs and shakes her head, looking down for a moment before moving her head up and meeting my eyes, ancient pain still evident inside of them. “One night, they came home, and mum was so drunk she forgot all about him and fell up the stair to her bedroom. And I was left downstairs, with a sober-ish boyfriend who couldn’t take his eyes off of me.”
She gulps, “he almost raped me last night, but my little brother had walked down the stairs and interrupted. The boyfriend left the house and I packed bags for me, my brothers and my sister, and I went and stayed with a friend until I had enough money to get our own house. I knew for a fact mum wouldn’t stop seeing him,” she laughs bitterly, wiping a tear that had escaped from her eye. “So I did what was best for the people I loved. And here I am!” She clapped her hands brightly and looked around. “In here. not doing work, talking to you about life and whatnot. If I wasn’t so sceptical, I’d almost say it was fate.”
“It almost it,” I muse. “Except for the part where you give me some life-changing advice.”
“Hey,” she scoffs and flicks a loose price sticker at me. “I can be life-changing.” She shakes her hair out of her face and fixes me with a serious look. “How’s this for advice: life isn’t long-term, and you only get one shot at it. You can fear it and hide in the dark, waiting for the day you die. Or you can live it, and you can be happy and you can laugh and love and be the person you want to be. Life’s too short to be afraid and the sooner you learn that then the sooner you can be the Darcy you really are – the Darcy before all the shit that happened.”
I blink at her speech, my jaw dropping slightly. “Wow, that, um, that advice was pretty awesome for a first-timer.”
“Why thank you,” she sings, beaming at me. “But you know what you have to do next, right?” I shrug, looking at her for help. “You need to get your friends back, because it sounds to me like they were pretty special, and you need something special to make your life worth living. And everybody has that something special.”
“Okay, you can stop now, Yoda,” I joke, pushing her to the side gently. She laughs at me and rolls her eyes. “But, thanks. You’ve … really helped me today.”
“Aw, seriously?” She bats her lashes at me and giggles. “Glad to help. But I’m afraid that’s all for Clara’s Counselling, see you next time when I talk to Boss-man about his sorry excuse for a love life!”
I snort with laughter at that one, before sobering up. “What do you mean ‘that’s all’?”
She gives me a funny look and points to the clock on the back wall. “Haven’t you seen the time? Girl, your shift is finished: you can escape. Unfortunately, I’ll be stuck here for another half an hour before my cover turns up, but I have Paulina at the till to keep me company.” She winks at me playfully, as she refers to the strict, moody granny at the till that scowls at everyone she serves.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” I drop my cap and walk into the backroom to get my coat and bag, before walking back out where Clara is waiting for me with a proud smile.
“So, you know what you’ve got to do know, right?” I nod, smiling slightly. “Yeah, I think I do – thanks to you. You know, you just may be life-changing after all.”
She nods slightly, smiling at me warmly. “You too, Darcy. And good luck. I’ll be waiting at this dump to hear all about it!” She gives me a tight hug and I return it with a broad smile, before leaving the store with a wave. She waves back, and I turn away and sigh, before going to change my life. After all, everybody needs their something special.
Chapter 32
Knock knock. The sound of my fists on the wooden door matched the sounds of my heart beating against my chest as I stood in front of the house and waited with both anticipation and fear whirling through me and making me want to vomit. I swallowed my emotions back down and took a deep breath. I heard footsteps inside, and the door was swung open to reveal Dana, wearing purple boxer shorts and a batman t-shirt. Her blonde hair was in a scruffy bun and she had almost no make-up on her face, unless you counted the green face mask.
Her eyes widened the moment they met mine, and her jaw dropped. “Darcy?” She breathed my name out, before she pulled herself together and stood up taller. “What are you doing here?”
I wince, not having a clue what to say – of course, I had originally planned to turn up and in the end we’d be friends again and I’d be closer to happiness, only I’d forgotten everything that would happen in between those two moment, including the apologies and the making up. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, before deciding I should just go for it. I open my eyes and meet hers.
“I came here to apologize,” I tell her. “And to tell you… that I was wrong, and that I know I shouldn’t have treated you like shit, because I know how that feels and I never want anybody to feel like that, especially because of me.”
She sighs, her eyes starting to water over as she moves closer. “Darcy-“ she starts, but I interrupt her.
“And I know I don’t deserve your friendship, I’ve known that all along. You’re one of the greatest friends anybody could ever wish for, but I guess I just didn’t appreciate it at the time, because I was just too busy stuck in my stupid reality of problems after problems, and I never knew that I could just help myself by having friends like you guys. Because that was all I really needed in the end, because it was you guys who made me laugh, who made me smile, and who made me actually enjoy my life.”
“Listen, Darcy-“ She tries to speak again, but I’m nowhere near ready to give up yet.
“And I came to tell you that I do fear life, I fear everything about it because I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t think I can control it. I know it’s got to get harder before it can even begin to get easier, but I’m hoping that I can at least have my friends there with me, because with you guys, I’m not as scared anymore, because I know there’s people who care about what happens to me. Someone told me today that everybody has something special in their life to make it worthwhile, and you guys are it. It’s your friendship that makes my life worthwhile, and it makes me want to live it.”
I take a deep breath, knowing that there’s tears running down my face as I look into Dana’s sad eyes. “But I understand if you don’t want to be friends anymore. Everybody has a choice, and I know that if you don’t want to be friends with me, then at least I know that I’ve tried-“
“Okay, that’s enough!” She snaps, before gabbing my arm and pulling me inside, shutting the door behind us. “Girl, do you know how cold it is out there? Not to mention I look like the hulk, and people could have been walking by. Oh, and that speech was bordering on politics-long. And nobody likes a speech that takes all night. Wow, do you have goosebumps too, or is it just me? Then again, you were outs
ide for longer, you might have gotten used to it…” She looks up and grins at me. “Oh, and I forgive you.”
I blink at her. “Y-you do?”
She laughs at my expression and nods. “Of course I do! We’re sisters, silly. And besides, we all have our ups and downs. I’m just so happy that you’re finally going to give your sorry ass a break.”
“Dana, was it the pizza delivery dude?” A familiar voice screams from up the stairs. A pink haired girl in blue rainbow pants and a white vest top with a panda on it stops at the top and looks at me with a wild grin. “Oh! Darcy! You’ve returned to us at last!”
“H-hey Remy,” I blush. Before I can even finish her name, she’s running down the stairs and barrelling me down into a huge hug.
She giggles up at me. “Ah, have we made up now? Yay! Friendship!” She says friendship in a girly, childish voice before skipping into the kitchen. Dana shakes her head at her in amusement before turning to me.
“Well, Remy’s sleeping over, but you know it won’t be the same without you,” she says quietly, looking up at me from under her eyelashes, a hopeful grin on her face. “How about you stay the night and we get this party started?”
I nod slowly, a wild grin forming on my face. “That’d be great! But I haven’t brought any clothes with me.”
She waves it off and smirks. “No problem, you can borrow something of mine or Remy’s. We don’t mind. But it’s a choice between a rainbow tutu or a black leather miniskirt.” She jokes. “Your choice.”
I shake my head at her in wonder. “I can’t believe we haven’t spoken all week – you’re the best friend in the world. I love you, Dana.”
“Love you too, babes.” She winks. “Now, we’ve been waiting for this super-cute delivery dude for, like, ages. I think he’s stood us up, though. Pity – we’re so hot, too. He’s really missing out.”
I giggle at her as we make our way upstairs and into her bedroom, where Remy is chewing on strawberry laces and ogling Jenson Ackles from Supernatural on the mini TV. “What about Alex?”
Then Came You Page 15