“I appreciate it, but I think I can handle it. If not, I’ll ask an employee to come help me.” I give him an appreciative smile and move to get into my car. He doesn’t say a word as I get in, start the ignition, and drive off.
After I return the dresser, I walk around the store to find a replacement. This is my holy place. I don’t care what I come here for, it never fails I end up leaving with a whole cartful of stuff. I’m looking at one of the description tags on the shelf when a figure in the corner of my eye catches my attention.
Ethan.
My blood runs cold as disbelief courses through my veins. Why is he here? But as I stare at his unapologetic smile, disbelief turns to anger, setting my body on fire.
“Did you follow me?” The accusation in my words is hard to miss as my eyebrows draw together.
“No—well, maybe.” He has the decency to look sheepish.
“Look, I know you mean well, but you have a habit of crossing the line with me, and it’s got to stop.” I try to keep my voice low as to not draw any attention to us. “I told you I had it taken care of. That didn’t mean come with me anyway.”
He holds his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry. I knew you’d have trouble doing it on your own, so I wanted to help.”
“I know you’re coming from a good place, but again, I don’t need it.”
He nods slowly, his face set in stone. I hear someone come down the aisle behind me, so I stop talking and turn around. My heart stops as soon as I see who it is.
“Nate.” The word comes out like a prayer, my soul begging for him.
“Charlotte.” He sounds just as surprised to see me as I am him.
He looks so exhausted and beat down it’s startling. He’s lost more weight since I saw him at the hospital four months ago, his clothes hanging off of him. While his eyes still lack the life that used to shine from them, there’s one thing that remains: love.
I’m not sure how I missed it if it’s always been there, but as he looks at me everyone else fades into the background and it’s just the two of us. This is how he always made me feel until recent years. As I’m locked in his gaze, years of happiness flood through me and I wonder what the hell I was thinking to leave someone I once loved so much.
“Hi, I’m Ethan.” He extends his hand out to Nate who looks at it briefly before bringing his focus back to me. “Thanks for messing up a good thing and leaving her to me.” He throws his arm around me and draws me close. I’m stunned he has the balls to utter such a bold-faced lie, especially when I’m standing right here.
I cringe as I take in Nate’s reaction. If it were possible, he looks more miserable now than mere seconds ago. Pulling away from Ethan’s grip on me, I take a step away from him and toward Nate. His eyes haven’t left mine since they connected. There’s so much I want to say, and I think he feels the same. But the furniture aisle in Target isn’t the time or place.
Nate’s shoulders slump and I realize I never corrected Ethan. I open my mouth to set the record straight, but Nate cuts me off. “I’ve got to go. Take care.”
He walks past me in a rush and I spin around to follow him. “Nate, please, wait. I can exp—”
“It’s okay,” he interrupts as he halts his steps. “You don’t have to explain.” He doesn’t meet my eyes when he turns to face me again.
“But I do. It’s not—”
“Look, all I’ve ever wanted was to make you happy, and if letting you go is the only way I can do that, then I will. It literally kills me, but for you I’d endure the pain.”
I’m left speechless as tears fill my eyes while he walks away. A startling revelation hits me like a tsunami.
I made the biggest mistake of my life.
Ethan snorts behind me. “What a tool. He didn’t even try to fight for you,” he says with arrogance in his voice.
My regret and heartache turns into straight rage as I turn around and set my sights on Ethan. “You son of a bitch,” I say through gritted teeth. “I want you to leave me alone for good. No friends, no nothing. I don’t want anything to do with you.” My breathing increases as all my emotions hit me at once.
“What? I know guys like that and he was playing you. Looking like a lost puppy hoping you’d bring him home. I was helping you out,” he says defensively.
“No, you were having a pissing contest, trying to mark me as yours when I’m not. You’re a liar and a manipulator and I’m done.”
His eyebrow arches. “You’re done?” He stalks toward me taking on a menacing demeanor, and I’m instantly nervous. I match his advance step for step, but I don’t get far before my back is against the shelves. He gets close enough that his harsh breath hits my face. My heart beats frantically against my ribcage as my fight-or-flight instincts kick in. “You’re done when I say you’re done.” His voice is low, but the threat is there. He takes a step back, his anger still trained on me before he turns around and walks away.
I grab the shelf behind me to keep from collapsing onto the floor. Taking in deep breaths, I focus on converting oxygen into carbon dioxide in an attempt to regulate my pulse and calm my nerves. Abandoning my cart in the middle of the aisle, I make my way to my car as fast as I can on trembling legs. My head is on a swivel, hoping I see Nate on my way out. I’d feel more secure knowing he was close to me, but I also want to explain what happened with Ethan too. By the time I make it to my car, I haven’t spotted him, so I give up and get into the driver’s seat.
I have no idea where Ethan went, and I need to be somewhere safe, some place that has a lock to keep him away from me. I try calling all of my friends as I pull out of the parking lot, but none of them answer, leaving me no choice but to go to my apartment.
A knot forms in the pit of my stomach on my way home. I not only live next to the guy, but I work with him too. This has gone from bad to worse and I have no idea how to fix it. I can’t move right now and I’d need to find another job before quitting this one.
I’m scared. There’s no other way to put it. I’m afraid to acknowledge what he did to me, and unable to think about what he could do to me.
A LARGE KNOT sits in the pit of my stomach. After another week of debating, I finally worked up the nerve to go to Nate and talk to him. Now that I’m parked in front of the house, everything in me is telling me to turn around. I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans as I study the front door.
“Okay, you’re here; you can do this,” I whisper. Swallowing hard, I get out of my car and force my feet to the entrance. Once I ring the doorbell, I feel like I could puke. Several moments go by and still there’s no answer. My heart beats in my ears, making it hard to hear if anyone is coming to the door. After a few minutes, I hang my head and walk back to my car.
The sound of the garage door opening startles me and causes me to look up as Nate pulls into the driveway. I stand there like a deer in headlights, wanting nothing more than to run away, but frozen in my spot and unable to move.
He stops short of the garage and gets out of his truck, staring at me expectantly. “Is everything okay?” he asks when I make no effort to speak. The concern in his eyes is clear. I had forgotten how good he was at reading me.
“Uh, no—well, yeah.” I blow out a quick breath. “Can we talk?”
He hesitates and my nightmares of rejection come rushing back to my mind. “Yeah, hold on a second.”
Relief washes over me as he gets back in his truck and shuts off the ignition. I follow him up to the front door and into the house. I stop and look around; everything remains as I left it. It’s weird feeling nostalgic about a home I left because I thought it held no more life and joy in it. Now that I’m taking it in with a different perspective, I realize I couldn’t have been more wrong.
To my right is our dining room we painted together, which turned into a paint war. We ended up calling a truce by making love right there on the floor. To my left is the formal sitting room with giant windows. We’d drink our coffee in the mornings with me on his lap in the overs
ized chair. It was my favorite way to start the morning.
I walk through the foyer and into the kitchen; the same kitchen Nate hid all of our friends as he surprised me for my twenty-fifth birthday.
New tears fall down my face. How was I so stupid?
“Would you like some water? Coffee?” Nate asks, snapping me out of my trip down memory lane. I wipe the moisture from my face and shake my head. I see him studying me, but he doesn’t ask why I’m crying. Maybe he knows me better than I thought and already knows the reason.
He has a seat on the barstool at the kitchen island and faces me. “You said you wanted to talk?” he prompts.
Closing my eyes, I nod, preparing myself for what I’m about to say. “I’m sorry.” It comes out just above a whisper as my emotions strangle my vocal cords.
Confusion clouds his eyes as his head tilts. “For what?”
I walk closer to him, needing to bridge the physical gap. “For everything I’ve done. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder. I’m sorry I left.”
I’m not sure what kind of reaction I was expecting, but this wasn’t it. His face is blank, completely unfazed by my words. I had hoped he’d be relieved—happy even—to hear my apology. I wanted him to tell me it was okay and he wants to work it out. Instead, I’m met with deafening silence that speaks volumes. This was a bad idea.
His eyes close and he lets out a deep breath. “You have no clue how hard this has been on me. You give me no warning, tell me you’re miserable, and then leave. I’m not a damn mind reader, Charlotte. I can’t fix something if I don’t know it’s broken.”
“I realize my communication wasn’t what it should have been, but claiming ignorance doesn’t excuse the blinders you were wearing either. We used to be so in tuned to each other. I never had to spell things out; you just knew.”
“Spell things out?” His eyebrows pull together and I can tell he’s getting upset. “You blindsided me and told me you wanted a divorce.”
“I know,” I reply meekly. I recognize my faults, and going about it the way I did was one of them.
“I mean, shit. I see where I fucked up. Trust me when I say I’ve gone over my mistakes a million times, but did I not deserve the chance to fix it?” The anger in his posture is gone and replaced by defeat. With his shoulders slumped and the fight in his body vanished, I see how my actions have made him believe he wasn’t worthy of my commitment. My one wish is that I’m given the chance to show him that he was—he is. If anything, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve him or his forgiveness.
“You did. You deserved better than what I gave you.” My insides shatter as this conversation takes a downhill turn. The one question left to ask is the one I’m most afraid for him to answer. “Do you miss me?” I ask. My heart stops, depending on his answer to beat again.
“Is that a serious question?” His blue eyes pierce mine. “Asking me if I missed you is like asking if I need oxygen to survive. I’m absolutely miserable without you. I can’t eat, I can’t think, I can’t sleep. I can’t function without you in my life.”
“Why didn’t you fight for me—for us?”
“Would you have listened?” he counters. “I know you, and part of the problem is my job and always being gone. How could I convince you that things would be different while that remained the same?”
As much as it pains me to admit, he’s right. I’d become so resentful over his job and the obligations it requires that there would’ve been no getting through to me.
“I mentioned at the hospital, when Lydia had her baby, that I was working on some things. I wanted everything in place before I came after you. The whole process took a lot longer than I thought it would, and I thought I was too late, and you had moved on. The transition isn’t complete yet, but the details are almost ironed out.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask.
“I resigned as assistant athletic director. Starting next week, I’ll be the program director for corporate relations. That means I’ll be on campus now and won’t have to travel anymore.”
My mouth drops open. He’s worked his whole life toward his goal of becoming athletic director, and he just gave it all up? “But you love your job.”
He stands up and closes the distance between us until he’s but a breath away. “No, I like my job; I love you.” I can’t hold it back anymore as a sob leaves my mouth. I bury my face in his chest as he wraps his strong arms around me. “I’d give up everything for you, Charlotte,” he says into my hair while comforting me.
“You know I never believed in fate and all that other bullshit. I always thought a man made his own destiny through hard work and perseverance. That all changed the moment you walked into my office all those years ago. Maybe this is what we needed to bring us closer together. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since you left, and we’ve lost our way as a couple. I know I’m mostly at fault for that, but we need to find our center again.”
I nod as I pull away and look up at him. “So what happens now?”
He shrugs. “The ball’s in your court now, my love.” A small smile touches my lips. I’ve missed hearing him call me that.
I’m not sure if I’m ready to move back in right away. This back and forth thing isn’t good for either one of us, so I want to make sure we do this right. He must see the indecision written all over my face because he says, “We don’t have to rush back into anything. We have the rest of our lives together. If you want to take it slow, I’m okay with that.”
“Like start over?”
“Sure, I don’t mind dating my wife.” He winks and those familiar butterflies take flight.
“I’ll warn you, there’s someone else.” At the mention of that, his face drops. To put any assumptions to rest, I clarify, “I got a dog, and he’s the love of my life.”
Relief hits his features in the form of an easy smile. “Uh oh, sounds like I have some competition.” I nod, a big smile spreading across my face too. “Speaking of competition,” he says, taking on a more serious tone. “Who’s the guy from Target?”
I knew we’d have to have this conversation, but I don’t know that I am ready to do it now. “Long story short, he lives in the building next to mine. He followed me to the store; we weren’t there together.”
“Followed you? Why?” Concern mars his face with a deep line between his eyes.
“He saw me struggling to get a heavy box down the stairs, so he stopped to help me. He was worried I’d need more help once I got to the store.” It’s not a complete lie, but I don’t want to get into the whole mess today.
“He acted like you two were together though.”
I let out a sigh. “We dated briefly, and he made no secrets of wanting more, but I just couldn’t.” I look down at the floor, not wanting to see the judgment written on his face.
His finger lifts my chin up so I have no choice but to meet his gaze. “Has he touched you?” It’s rare for Nate to get possessive, but with the fire in his eyes I know my answer to this question is important.
I shake my head. “We kissed, but that was it.”
My stomach twists as the lie leaves my mouth, but I’m afraid of what Nate will do if he finds out what happened that night. I’m still trying to process and deal with it. I’m not ready to talk to someone else about it.
He swallows hard and I know it’s hard for him to hear. Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, he says, “We’ll get through this. We were made for each other.” Leaning down, he gives me a chaste kiss. For the first time in several months, I feel alive.
I’m at peace.
I’m home.
MY LIFE HAS done another one-eighty, and I have yet to fill anyone in on the changes.
Me: Anyone around for lunch today?
Lydia: I could use a couple hours to get away.
Paige: I’m down.
Scarlett: I have a stack of papers I need to grade and looking for a reason to put it off. Tell me when and where.
Me: Our usual sushi place? 12?
Once everyone agrees, I hop in the shower and get ready. I thought it would be easier to tell my friends Nate and I were reconciling, but it’s not. I know they’re there for me, but a small part of me wonders if they’ll judge me for bouncing back and forth.
It feels like forever before it’s time to leave my apartment to meet the girls. On my way there, I decide to call my mom now that it’s not super early for her.
“Hey, sweetie. How are you?” she answers.
“I’m good.” I can’t stop the small smile that forms on my lips. “What are you doing?”
“Not much; just cleaning up after breakfast. You sound better.” I love my mom and how she notices the smallest of changes even over the phone.
“I am better.” For the first time in I don’t know how long those words ring true. “So I talked to Nate yesterday.”
“And?”
“I think we’re going to try to work things out.”
“Is that what you want?”
I nod even though she can’t see me. “Yeah, it is.”
I tell her how I’d been having a lot of doubts over the last several months, but it finally clicked that I needed to give him a chance to change. She listens as I unload my guilt, heartache, and hopes. Ethan wasn’t a topic I discussed. I normally tell my mom everything, but I never told her I was casually dating. I was afraid she’d worry and assume I was rushing into another situation I’d regret.
“You know your father and I like Nate, but like we said before, we just want you to be happy. Will he make you happy?”
“I think so.” And I do. We have a long road before we’re back to where we were, but I’m optimistic. I know I need to communicate better, and if I had, maybe we could’ve avoided this. So while I work on that, Nate has already solved the issue of him being away so much, which makes my heart beat easier knowing we can get back to the way we were if we work at it.
Risk and Reward Page 11