Alice In Wonderhell

by catt dahman

  “Who was the queen?” Coral asked.

  “Cleopatra. She had many lovers, deceived all of them, and seduced them with her beauty and sorcery, so she lives all alone and when a would-be lover tries to visit her, they both break out in boils,” Virgil told us.

  “Interesting,” Dana said.

  Chapter Twenty-Three: Sobek’s Crocs

  Danny interrupted, “Keep alert. We will be skirting the river, and Sobek’s crocodiles bask there. They are faster than you’d think and have a bite force of five thousand pounds. They can chase down many animals and people and devour them…vicious things at best. Crocodiles are very dangerous.”

  “That’s a lot of bite force, isn’t it?” Cassie asked.

  “People fear pit bulls, and they have a bite force of about five hundred pounds, and a great white shark has a force of about five hundred pounds.”

  Coral frowned at Danny, “They bite harder than a shark? Damn.”

  Danny nodded, “But some of the dinos can bite five times harder than a croc. You see why I avoid the bastards?”

  Coral made a motion with his hands. “Walk softly. I see them.”

  Along the sandy, muddy beach and amid a few skinny, pitiful-looking trees, lay scores of vicious-looking crocodiles, their roughly scaled bodies showing as a texture in the mud. As we passed, several moved lazily, raising their long snouts to sniff at us. Big teeth showed, and they shook their heads back and forth.

  One, and he was every bit seven feet long, snapped at a smaller crocodile, making it waddle out of the mud in the strange way they walked, as if their hips were set wrong. The smaller reptile winked an eye at us, his vertical pupil contracting. He watched us.

  “They’ve noticed us,” Pax whispered.

  “Keep going,” Danny urged us, “we really don’t want to have to fight them.”

  We almost heard a horrible sound. I say almost because it wasn’t so much a sound as it was a vibration in the air, a rumbling and displacement that was too deep for us to catch with our ears, but we felt it. “What was that?”

  Virgil grabbed my elbow and hurried me along.

  “They push air out of their voice boxes, causing their muscles to vibrate violently. All the crocs in the water heard it very clearly as sound and felt the vibration; it said food was walking around and would be easy to eat. The sound was too low for us to hear but see Lim? He’s scared.”

  The cat’s fur stood on end as he ran beside us.

  “The croc definitely called to the rest. He announced dinner.”

  Virgil stopped as a dozen of the creatures came at us, telling us we couldn’t outrun them. We formed a line in front of Cassie and Dinah.

  “Sobek, if you are here, we are travelers and wish no trouble. We mean no harm and wish to pass by,” Danny called in case the Egyptian god was listening.

  “Danny, we didn’t train for crocodile fights, did we?” I asked sarcastically.

  “Hold steady. As one unit, back away to the direction we were going,” Danny ordered. We did as he said, watching the creatures cautiously, although if they attacked, I would have no idea what to do.

  The croc stared us down, and a few others raised their ugly heads to look at us from the mud. Reptile droppings have a particularly sharp musky, wild scent that one can sometimes get a whiff of in a zoo, and again, I was glad my sense of smell was deadened because what I could smell was rank. With the droppings, various decayed victims, bacteria, and rotting vegetation, the mud was a hot bed of nastiness, and yet Danny whispered that it was used by spas that demons loved. I couldn’t imagine much worse.

  Whether Sobek took pity on us or we were lucky, the crocodiles lost interest and sauntered jerkily back to their mud hole as we backed away.

  In a few minutes, the man-eaters were far behind us, and we were able to breathe sighs of relief. Danny said that if they had attacked, we would have been in trouble. The only ones of us surviving would have been those who ran while the rest were consumed. Depressing.

  Chapter Twenty-Four: Carnage: Don’t Look Back

  Next, we came to a village, a crumbling Greek-looking settlement. Virgil said we had come at a good time because Helen of Troy and Sparta was sleeping or otherwise engaged. Usually, she would be throwing mirrors and screaming like a banshee while she tried to decide between her Spartan husband, Menelaus; her true love, Theseus: her later love, Paris; her lover, Hector; or her rapist, Deiphobus.

  Coral replied, “I don’t understand her actions.”

  Virgil explained, “In the village streets, the men often fought over Helen, the most beautiful woman on earth. He said she was also a part-time vampire who hunted a few nights out of each month.Many men lustily looked forward to being chosen and then to being bitten; she was very attractive and sexy, but when she looked in the mirror, she saw a monster.”

  “You saw the Amazon queen earlier, and no doubt she comes here to wreak vengeance on Achilles. It’s like what you, back home, call a drama or a soap opera. It would make your head ache, trying to figure out who was involved with whom,” Danny told us.

  “There sure a lot of kings and queens here in hell,” I said.

  “Yes, there are; makes you wonder a little.”

  We saw a wall that stretched a mile in the distance. Men and a few women hung from ropes around their wrists and had to reach up to stand on their tiptoes. Their eyes were brutally scraped from the sockets, and blood ran down their faces. Horrible creatures ran about, catching the eyes with their jaws and swallowing them whole or crunching into them.

  The creatures looked like women with stringy, matted hair, but had flat, sagging breasts, were forced to walk on their hands, and raise their heads up, stretching their necks as their hind quarters were those of dogs or hyenas. It was a struggle just to make sense of their forms so matted was their fur and flea-covered bodies.

  “The men and women on the wall were pornographers; their eyes grow back several times a day. They filmed for others to see depravity, child abuse, terrible things, and so they were doomed to lose their own eyes for eternity.”

  “And the dog women?” I asked Virgil.

  “Porn stars, they lay down with dogs, so to speak, like wild animals, and they wake with fleas. If they were so depraved in their work, so will they be here,” Virgil said, “this is the circle of lust and seduction. Mind your desires here.”

  Prostitutes were everywhere around us.

  “Hey, you wanna good time,” one asked.

  “Nope. Just passing through,” Coral replied.

  “You know, denying your desires is an offense here. Refusing debauchery is against the law,” a hooker in a skintight purple outfit declared.

  “Then, we’ll be secretive about it, okay?” Pax said.

  They were gathering like birds in all colors: amethyst skintight latex, bright blue satin, crimson short shorts and halter, canary yellow tight pants and tube top, emerald slip dress with shining sequins, orange flowing gown like fire. All were beautiful women, and even the demoness hookers were alluring with wide, generous hips, lush breasts, and sultry glances.

  Miss Orange waved a finger, “No. We are here to ensure the letter of the law is followed. Pick your treat, and let’s get busy.”

  “Back off,” Cory warned.

  I saw that he, like the other men, was a little glassy-eyed. The women were very attractive and sexy in smoky ways. I glared. “Last warning, and then we’re going to push through,” I said.

  “Baby, come push me,” Miss Emerald purred, “Ummm…push me until I scream with happiness; I like take-control types.”

  I had enough. With little concern, I snapped a kick that landed my foot right under Miss Orange’s chin, making her teeth clack together.

  Before I was even out of my stance, I swung my pipe into Purple’s head, enjoying how her noggin popped backwards.

  Dana was facing off the chick in blue, punching and kicking.

  Coral was wrestling two women dressed in black, trying to get in position to crack
their necks while Pax and Yellow Girl ducked and kicked violently.

  Before I could think, I saw half dozen prostitutes run at us from a house and then another half dozen fly out from behind a building. They carried swords or long knives. After I slammed a kick into a hooker’s arm and flipped her over, I grabbed her lost sword and shoved it into her heart, ending that battle.

  All around me, my friends had done the same, taking weapons and using them on the offenders, stabbing, cutting, and chopping.

  When we finally stopped the fight, a few heads, many arms, and a few legs littered the street as blood ran in thick pools to the canals. Danny had a nasty wound on his arm he said he had gotten when one swiped a sword at him, and Pax said his ankle felt achy from a wrong landing as he back kicked a demoness.

  Two men shyly approached us. “Hello.”

  “Hi,” I said, “you with them?”

  “Oh, no. But now that you’re done, will you be needing them or can…ummm…we have them?” the stranger asked.

  “You want them?” I asked, disgusted again. They looked at the torn bodies and smiled at them lasciviously, licking their lips. I didn’t know if it were for food or sex and didn’t want to know. “Have at ‘em.”

  We walked down the street, not looking back at the carnage, and I have no idea what happened to the two men or the scraps of hookers we left behind.

  To my left, another man had his eyes dug out with a dull spoon, and a dog-woman gobbled up the prized orbs greedily.

  We passed the Interactive Museum of Rapists where Danny said sightseers could abuse rapists. I thought that was more than fair turn-about for those people.

  We saw a building that I didn’t understand at all. It was called Pedo-Poop Bricks. Danny said that pedophiles were put into large vats and chained; a tube was inserted into their mouths. They were fed continuously and were kept in the huge vats of excrement at all times. As they digested the food, they added to the supply of feces. Workers used the feces to mix with mud and construct bricks that were in turn used in buildings. I thought that rather fitting as well.

  The final place we saw was a building of glass that we could see inside of. Down the center was another section of glass, and half of the people were on one side, and half were on the other. They stood barefoot on an uncomfortable-looking grate floors.

  This was the Untouchable Lovers headquarters, a sort of torturing dating service where men and women came to see their lovers, separated from them by a pane of glass for all time. They could see their true love but never hold or kiss. “Tears fall down the grates and are collected. It is bottled and sold at very high prices,” Danny said.

  Virgil nodded, “It is said Cleopatra buys cases of the bottles of tears. She rubs the tears on her breasts and hopes that she can grow a heart; her heart is a little lump of coal.”

  I was glad to leave that strange area.

  Chapter Twenty-Five: Circle of Over Indulgence

  The next circle, we were told, was the Circle of Over Indulgence. The men said we would have a safe house to stay because no one cared what his neighbor did; everyone cared only for himself here.

  I lost track of how many morbid obese men and women waddled down the street, barely able to walk.

  In one stall, an alcoholic, with skin falling off his red nose, and eyes, red as his nose and bleeding, had alcohol to sell to alcoholics. Hypodermic needles with various drugs were sold in vending machines.

  A greasy man hailed us, “I know your pleasure; I know your weakness,” he said.

  “Yeah?” Pax muttered.

  The greasy man pointed to Dana, “She eats and vomits. I have food, baby doll; wanna go a round of bulimic delight? And you used to hoard, but now you want freedom and crave less and less. Give me everything you carry, and enjoy the fun,” he said to Pax.

  To Coral, he giggled, “You’d still kill for a drop of…let’s see…vodka is your favorite. And you, you crave blood; oh how you love to see the fight and hear the crack of bones,” he told Danny.

  “And me?” I countered.

  “You crave peace, and I suggest buying from me a wee bag of cush.

  The cowboy…yes, you…you crave a woman’s touch. Can I substitute a delightful, comely demoness that knows thirty-four special ways to thrill a man to take your mind off your desire?

  And the last of you….” he laughed at Cory, “You crave much. A hypo of morph, a baggie of cush, a snort of the white lady, a trip that will show you Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds; yes, I know what you crave.”

  “I’ll pass,” I snarled.

  “No, thanks,” Coral growled.

  “Screw off,” Danny said.

  Virgil blushed, and Dana’s face went purple with anger and humiliation.

  It was embarrassing to have the man point out secrets and weaknesses in front of everyone.

  We picked up our pace, turned down a few roads, and came to a huge house, which looked like a mansion to me.A fat man answered and ushered us in, looking to see if we had been followed.

  Danny pulled a small packet from his pocket and said, “Here is your payment.”

  The fat man unwrapped the package, saw several packs of gum, and shoved several of sticks at one time.

  Smiling broadly, he said, “The kitchen is that way. Pick your rooms, and make yourself at home. I won’t be around now that I have this from the living world.” He stroked the packs of gum as if they were treasures, and it was funny.

  Gum!

  But then, maybe he had missed gum above all.

  We found food in the kitchen: a dinosaur roast, which tasted like chicken, but was more gamy and smothered with garlic and herbs. I liked it. We had vegetables and fruit and ended the meal with fruit pies.

  Later, we took baths in real tubs with hot water, and I found a bottle of bubbles that smelled like honeysuckle. It was relaxing to submerge myself, wash my hair with the bubbles, and finally feel clean. The fat man had all of this, but he suffered for want the gum.

  A skinny servant, covered with tattoos and piercings took our clothing to wash. He had no skin left uncolored or un-pierced that I could see. The females got shapeless, thin silk nightdresses, and the men had pajamas. Even Cassie covered herself in a huge, tent-like sheath of silk and trembled happily at how soft it was.

  As they gathered in the hallway, Danny gave them the itinerary for the next day.

  Chapter Twenty-Six: Land of the Beggars

  “Tomorrow, we go through the Land of the Beggars. False priests and false preachers reside there. In their lives, they stole from their believers by begging for contributions that the fakers used to get rich. They claimed that sending the money would heal the sick and banish the evil of the world, but in reality, their mansions were bigger, their cars shinier, and their jewelry heavier.Now, they beg for coins for food.

  One of the false preachers said, “ I need money, or I will be called to Heaven.”

  “You wish.” Virgil rolled his eyes.

  Kick them away if they become tiresome,” Danny said.

  Virgil interrupted, “Then, we will catch a boat to go across the River Styx. The fallen angels guard the river. If we are lucky, they’ll ignore us, but it may be that they ask us difficult questions. If they do, be clever and sharp, and hope we know the answers.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven: Questions and Some Answers

  On the second floor, I stood out on the terrace, looking out on hell. I felt terribly homesick, missed my parents, and missed normalcy. I didn’t belong here, but then, I suppose all who came to live here felt the same, only they were doomed to be here forever. How depressing was that? I think it was getting to me.

  I stared out at the land, wondering how people could live here and more of them not go mad, how people could be so evil, and why people didn’t at least try to be good down here, and hope something worked.

  I mean, whether or not they ever got out, at least they could try to have a less horrible life and not revel in depravity and live with such nastiness. There had
to be some in hell who might not be great but still have a few morals and a desire for something less tormenting.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I guess so. It’s sad. It’s very sad to see such hopelessness here. I’m not saying they don’t deserve it, but I hate seeing the torture,” I told Virgil.

  He rubbed my back, “You don’t belong here. Most people would have crumbled by now from seeing this world. We needed someone as strong as you.”

  “I’m not so strong,” I said.

  “You are.”

  “What world are you and Danny from?” I asked, turning to him.

  “Don’t ask me that,” he said as his eyes looked sad.

  “Do you like me?”

  He groaned, “Why would you ask that either?”

  “I don’t know. I feel alone here at times. And I was wondering about it. I do have questions at times, and how will I know if I don’t ask?”

  Virgil took a deep breath, “I like you more than I have the right to. I would gladly die for you.

  When we talked about the assignment, we studied you and discussed you. I got to know you before we ever met. Going from here to there on assignment isn’t easy. It’s painful, like every muscle and bone is ground to dust.

  The pain was so incredible that when we made the transition, I lay on the ground, wishing to die just so the pain would stop. And every day, the pain was almost as bad. And it burned…always burned…”

  “I didn’t know.”

  “We hid it. But it was worth it. We are setting things to right.” I asked, “Were you unhappy with the assignment? Angry that you got it?”

  Virgil smiled sadly, “Angry? Danny was assigned. I volunteered.”

  “Why? Did you know how painful it would be?”

  “Yes, I knew. Alice, you don’t get it. I knew you before I met you. I volunteered so I could be with you for this time,” his voice went to a whisper, “I loved you before I ever saw you.”