Bands of tension circled Emily’s chest. How could she possibly convince Bret to stay in Texas when everything he’d worked for was in jeopardy? As Joseph said, Bret didn’t need to stay now that he was here.
But Emily didn’t want Joseph to stay. She was rapidly starting to dislike him. She intended to ask Bret to handle her inheritance, but how could he do that from Boston?
She didn’t know what she could do, but right now she had to check on her father. Once she was certain he was resting comfortably, she’d bend her mind to figuring out how to make Bret stay in Texas. Or at least come back.
Chapter Nineteen
Emily stared into the night sky, hoping it would somehow provide answers to the questions that buzzed about in her head. Bret had gone to talk to his brothers, Bertie and Jinx were in bed, and Joseph had gone to his room. Her father had been asleep for more than an hour, but she was too stirred up to sleep, too restless to remain inside. She’d hoped being outside would restore her calm, that the cooling night air might make her sleep, but she was too aware of the sound of the wind in the tall grass, the faint rustle of trees down by the tiny creek, and occasional sounds from the horses in the corral behind the barn. The night seemed too alive, too filled with movement, with sound.
She couldn’t shake the feeling of foreboding that had settled over her. Her father looked better and was more cheerful after his long afternoon of rest. He’d eaten a good dinner and been in a genial mood. He’d even laughed at some of Jinx’s more ingenuous remarks. The boy stood in awe of Mr. Sam. The wealth and power of a man who owned a big house and a ranch had assumed almost mythic proportions in his mind.
Joseph had been on his best behavior. Emily had been very tactful when she explained to him that he was responsible for his own horse whenever he went riding. He’d promised to remember and even thanked Bret. He’d been charming during dinner and made a point of complimenting Bertie.
Bertie’s sniff had indicated she wasn’t impressed.
Jinx had bubbled over with high spirits until Bertie sent him off to bed with visions of himself becoming a legend in Texas for his skill with a rope.
Bret hadn’t acted like himself. He’d spoken when spoken to, even laughed at Jinx, but Emily could tell his mind was elsewhere. She supposed he was thinking about his uncle trying to take credit for his ideas, and trying to decide just how soon he could leave. She was certain he’d wanted to leave the moment he heard what his uncle was trying to do, but he probably didn’t want to leave while Joseph was here. Bret didn’t trust his cousin. The right to vote her twenty-five percent was vital to his success, and he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize his deal with her and her father. Besides, Joseph had been making an open play to have his father handle Emily’s inheritance.
She sighed inwardly. She’d have to reassure Bret that even if he left now, she wouldn’t go back on her promise. Even though she felt guilty about his staying, she couldn’t force herself to let him go. Not before she told him she was in love with him. Not before she made him understand his real home and family were in Texas. Would he believe her? He’d spent virtually his whole life planning what he’d do when he went back to Boston. She couldn’t expect him to turn his back on all of that now.
If he wouldn’t stay in Texas, would she go to Boston? She didn’t see how she could endure that. She could have a horse, but she’d have no reason to train it, or thousands of unfenced acres to ride over. She couldn’t imagine living in a place where the streets were paved with cobblestones, where iron horseshoes and iron-rimmed wagon wheels made horrendous noise all day, and the voices of thousands of people echoed through the night. She couldn’t imagine living where houses packed together crowded out the sunlight.
Nor could she imagine being hemmed in by the rules and customs of Boston society. Being relegated to a position where she had to defer to her husband on everything—even a husband like Bret—was something she couldn’t endure. No, she couldn’t go to Boston. It would kill her.
She was just as certain that Bret found it impossible to give up everything he’d worked toward his whole life. His desire to reach that goal was so strong, it had pulled him away from the only real family he’d ever had, the only place where he’d been happy. It was foolish to believe he’d give it up for a woman he didn’t even love.
And he didn’t love her. He’d held her in his arms, kissed her, but he’d never attempted to make love to her. Maybe she’d have to wait until he took her to Galveston. By then he might have succeeded in proving the ideas for modernizing Abbott & Abercrombie were his, might have achieved the respect and acceptance he wanted. Maybe then . . .
She was kidding herself. Success would be all the more reason for him to stay in Boston, all the less reason to be interested in a strong-willed woman with a ranch in the wilds of Texas. And once he’d succeeded, he wouldn’t need the voting rights to her stock anymore. She’d have nothing to hold him but his promise to come back to Texas for four months every year until she found a husband.
She probably wouldn’t hold him to that. It would be too difficult to see him after eight long months of waiting, knowing that at the end of winter he’d go back to Boston. It would be impossible if he married and brought his wife with him. And sooner or later he would marry. So it would be best to release him from his promise and never see him again.
Emily stopped at the spot where she and Bret had talked that evening not long ago, where they’d watched the raccoon family cross the trail—where they’d held hands and kissed. It was here, on the side of this hill, looking at a sky spangled with countless stars, that she’d begun to hope Bret would come to love her, that his kisses meant more than friendship, more even than liking. It was here she’d come to realize he belonged in Texas.
She sighed. She wondered if it would help if she contacted his family, told Isabelle he was miserable in Boston. If anyone could get him to change his mind, it would be Jake or Isabelle. Though he’d left their ranch, he had enormous respect and great affection for them.
She sighed again. She should be thinking about her horses, about the ranch, planning her future, not standing here staring at the sky. Bertie would say she was woolgathering, but she knew—
“A penny for your thoughts.”
Emily nearly jumped a foot at the sound of Bret’s voice behind her.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”
“I guess I was so deep in thought I didn’t hear you.”
“Worried about your father?”
“Some.”
“I checked on him before I came out. He seems to be sleeping peacefully.”
How could she not fall in love with Bret when, in addition to looking like the man of her dreams, he had trained her horses, caught the rustlers, and worried about her father almost as much as she did? And that didn’t count not trying to force her to go to Boston even though he knew it would make his uncle angry, or taking responsibility for Jinx because no one else would. She wondered what her father had said when Bertie told him she thought Emily ought to marry Bret.
“Did you have a good talk with Zeke and Hawk?”
“There wasn’t a lot to talk about. They know more about ranches than I’ll ever know.”
They were only adopted brothers, but they’d do anything they could for Bret. She didn’t understand why he didn’t know that was so much better than any relationship he was likely to have with his uncle and cousin.
“I was hoping you’d be here to help me.” She was tired of beating around the bush. She wanted Bret to know she liked him. “All of us have sort of gotten used to having you around. I have gotten used to it, and I like it.”
Bret took both of her hands in his, looked down into her eyes. “You know I have to go back to Boston. That’s where my life is, just as yours is in Texas.”
“I think you’re wrong.” She was going to put it on the line. “I know why you feel you have to go back to Boston, but you’re not happy there. You’ve admitted that your uncle i
s never going to accept you, and it’s clear that Joseph feels the same way. You belong in Texas. Here, everybody likes you and is impressed by your abilities. But most of all, I know you miss your adopted family.”
Bret tried to pull away but she wouldn’t let him.
“Do you know how often you mention Jake or Isabelle? You love them as much as they love you. You feel the same way about your adopted brothers. When you needed help, you didn’t hesitate to send for Zeke and Hawk. You’ve mentioned every other member of your adopted family with affection, usually a smile at some memory. They’re your real family. You belong with them.”
Bret closed his eyes and rolled his head back. “You don’t understand.”
“Then explain it to me so I can understand it, so I don’t think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life.”
“Everything you’ve said is true. All of it.”
“Then why—”
“What you can’t see, what no one—including my adopted family—has ever been able to understand, is that there is a need inside that chews at me constantly. It never gives me a minute’s peace. I know the Abbotts don’t love me, that they’re probably responsible for my parents’ deaths. If they hadn’t disowned her, my mother wouldn’t have been alone and without a doctor when I was born. If they hadn’t driven my father out of New England, he wouldn’t have been hanged in Texas. If they hadn’t refused to take me in after he died, I wouldn’t have been forced to live on the streets, to beg and steal for food.”
Bret’s feelings were so intense, he was shaking. Emily could see the pain in his face. Even more clearly, she could see the anger he’d never allowed to show.
“I need—I have to find—some way of forcing them to realize they made a mistake.” He stopped, took a deep breath, broke her hold on his hands, and stepped back. “I know that is not an admirable goal. I’ve tried, but I can’t change it.” He took a long, slow breath. “I don’t want to destroy them. I don’t even want to hurt them. I just want them to know they made a mistake.”
“Do you think they will admit that?”
“No. I think I’ve learned to accept that, but I can’t accept Uncle Silas stealing my plans. Can’t you see? He’s doing it all over again. I can’t let him get away with it.”
Emily was enough of a fighter to understand how Bret must feel, how much his uncle’s betrayal must be hurting him. She wanted him to win, to feel he’d finally gotten a measure of satisfaction, but she doubted it would ever happen. Even if he succeeded in proving his uncle was a liar, the Abbotts would never accept him. That hurt would never heal until he realized he didn’t need their acceptance. From the intensity with which he spoke, she doubted that would ever happen.
“When will you leave?”
“Soon. I have to take Jinx to Jake and Isabelle.”
“He can stay here. Bertie has grown very fond of him, and I’d miss him.”
“He’s my responsibility, not yours.”
“Well, I’m taking him on, so that’s the end of it. Will you come back in December?”
“I don’t go back on my promises.”
She couldn’t stand the distance separating them. She walked over to him, put her hand on his arm. “I know you don’t. I was just trying to reassure myself.”
He turned to her. “You shouldn’t be worrying about me. You need to start thinking about finding a husband.”
“I don’t need to look for the man I want to be my husband. I’ve already found him.”
Bret seemed to freeze in place. She couldn’t tell what was in his mind because his face had become a mask, his eyes hooded and dark. Gradually he seemed to thaw, come back to life.
“You can’t want me for a husband. I’d make you miserable. You know why I have to go back to Boston, and I understand why you could never live there. Besides, you’re a wealthy woman. I have nothing. Your father wouldn’t be doing his duty to you if he allowed me to marry you.”
“My father thinks you’re a fine man. Jinx thinks you practically walk on water, and you’re the first man Bertie has ever really liked. And don’t forget Ida’s boys begging you to sleep out with them. Practically everybody you meet thinks you’re a wonderful person.”
Emily was prepared for an argument. She was prepared for him to walk away. She was not prepared for Bret taking her in his arms and kissing her so thoroughly her head was spinning. Just as abruptly, he broke the kiss and stepped away from her.
“I shouldn’t have done that.”
She had to catch her breath before she could say, “I liked it. It gives me hope you might like me as much as I like you.”
“I have no right to like you, to love you,” Bret said. “I should have gone back to Boston before I let any of this happen.”
“You couldn’t know I would fall in love with you.”
Bret took a moment to absorb what she’d said. “No, but I did know I was in danger of falling in love with you.”
She moved a step closer to him. Her heart felt too large for her chest, as if it were pushing out against her rib cage, demanding more room. She’d been so involved with her father’s illness, the rustlers, Lonnie’s betrayal, even Jinx and Joseph, she hadn’t realized how much she’d come to depend on Bret, how deep her feelings were becoming, until she was already in love with him. She’d had no warning, no time to protect her heart, no time to reason away the feelings she’d first taken to be friendship.
But none of that changed the fact that Bret was exactly the man she wanted in her life. She hadn’t wanted him to come to Texas, but she’d liked him almost from the first. She hadn’t wanted him in her life, but she’d started to depend on him just as quickly. Now it was impossible to think of her days without him. He fitted into her life as though the space had been made to measure for him.
She wondered if she was a fool to let herself be drawn into the battle of emotions that ruled Bret’s life. She’d seen enough of men to know that for some, the need to satisfy an inner goal was more powerful than love. They would sacrifice loyalties, friends, family, even their own lives for it. She didn’t know if Bret felt that way. If he did, there was nothing she could do to change it.
“Do you love me?” Her voice was a thread.
Bret’s mouth opened, but no words came out. He tried a second time, but still no sound. She could feel a cold chill begin to spread through her. He didn’t love her, and he didn’t know how to tell her. Was he choking on a lie, or on the words he knew would hurt her? It didn’t matter. Either would be equally painful.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “It was unfair of me to ask that question.”
“You had every right.” Bret kept his distance, seemed even more uncomfortable than before. “I haven’t answered because I don’t want to hurt you.”
It was hard to swallow, but she managed without choking. “There’s no rule that says you have to love someone just because they love you.”
Bret stepped forward, took her hands in his. “That’s not the problem. I do love you.”
Emily had been jerked back from the edge of despair so abruptly that for a moment she felt dizzy, disoriented, but she understood enough to realize Bret had said he loved her.
“Hold me.”
When Bret hesitated, she stepped forward and threw her arms around him. He resisted a moment longer before enfolding her in an embrace. She didn’t have words to describe how wonderful it felt to have his arms around her, to know he loved her. She’d never believed a man was necessary to her life, to her happiness. No matter how handsome or strong, none had even made a dent in her feeling of self-sufficiency. She wasn’t sure Bret was necessary, but she knew she wanted him, needed him.
“I shouldn’t be doing this,” he whispered against her hair.
“I want you to.”
“It’ll just make it harder when I have to leave.”
“I don’t want to think about that now.”
“We have to.”
“I don’t,” she murmured against his chest
. “All I have to think about, all I want to think about, is that you love me. All I want you to do is hold me.”
His arms tightened around her. “That’s not all I want to do,” he whispered. He withdrew one hand from her back, placed it under her chin, and tilted her head up until she could look into his eyes. Even in the shadowy darkness, they seemed to glisten. Pinpricks of light like tiny stars gleamed down at her. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long it hurts.”
His kiss was slow and gentle. He seemed to be tasting her mouth, exploring it, consuming it, inviting her to do the same. She’d never kissed anybody other than Bret, but her response was automatic, instinctive. Maybe that was what happened when two people were in love. They were so attuned to each other, they didn’t need words or past experience. They simply meshed.
He was just the right height to bend down and kiss her, her arms just the right length to encircle his neck. He had just the right strength to make her feel safe and secure. She had just the right need for his kisses.
She rested her head against his chest and sighed. “I was afraid you didn’t love me.”
“It would have been much easier if you didn’t love me.”
“I don’t want to talk. I just want you to hold me, to make me feel safe and loved.”
It was silly to think she could face the future alone. It wasn’t enough that she had Bertie, even Ida and Charlie. They couldn’t stand beside her, stand with her, the way Bret could. She wanted someone whose life would become so entwined with hers, their lives would become one, their needs and wants the same. She’d always thought of herself as independent of any need for a man. Bret had awakened a need in her she didn’t know she had.
There would be difficulties to be faced tomorrow and the days after that, but she refused to think of anything except Bret’s arms around her, the warmth of his body flowing into hers, the heat building up inside her so rapidly it threatened to spill over.
She couldn’t get close enough to Bret. She wanted to crawl inside his clothes, inside his skin. It was an itch she couldn’t scratch, because it was buried deep out of reach. Instinct told her that only Bret could relieve the tension.
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