“Not entirely,” Gray said.
“I don’t necessarily disagree. I’m certainly not one to judge about details. My primary concern is this place and its impact on you, on me, and especially on us,” David said.
“World crises can’t be timed to only happen at convenient moments,” Gray argued.
“I understand that yours is not the typical job. It is not a simple nine-to-five job. I understand all that, and that’s part of the reason why I think I need to get out of the way and let you do what you need to do. You feel the need to work untold hours. I can’t stay and watch this job kill you. Your staff may not care beyond the moment, but I do, and I can’t take it anymore.
“You’ve never been good about taking care of yourself, of pacing yourself, but this is worse than I’ve ever seen it before in all the years we’ve been together. I’ve tried, but you and your staff have made it just about impossible by effectively shutting me out completely. When we go weeks at a time without being in the same physical space, it is hard to have a relationship that has any hope of surviving.
“All of this tells me that I’m not helping you. Instead I’m doing exactly the opposite. I’m in the way, a distraction, a pesky pain in the ass. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to see you work yourself to death, but I cannot just sit by and watch it happen. So my only alternative is to put some distance between us for a while and let you do what you feel you need to do.”
“David! No!”
“As I said earlier, I’m all packed, and I’ll be out of here in the morning. And you can’t tell me that this is a surprise to you, Gray. Even as absent as you’ve been from our relationship, you had to know how miserable I’ve been. How do you think I feel watching this place chew you up and take years off your life? I gave them a happy, relaxed, balanced man, a man who joked and laughed and loved life, and in four years, if you survive that long, they’re going to hand me a chewed-up, withered husk of a man.”
David looked down at the floor and slowly shook his head in defeat. “I’ve been waiting for weeks for an opportunity to talk to you about all of this. I’m sorry that circumstances haven’t allowed us to have a conversation at our leisure but have forced me to just say all of it directly and bluntly. But, good or bad, it’s done. Thank you for listening. Now, go to bed. You need what little rest you allow yourself.”
“I’m fine.”
“Bullshit, Gray. Look at the bags under your eyes. You look exhausted. Trust me, I know you. I can read you.”
David stood. “Now, I’m sure that you have an early morning appointment of some sort, so you need to get to bed. Getting up in the morning is going to be difficult because of jet lag. Be sure to set your alarm.”
David headed toward the stairway leading to the third floor. His foot on the first step, David said, “Good night, Gray.”
“David, where are you going?” Gray asked.
“I’m going to sleep upstairs.”
“Babe, come to bed with me. Let’s do what we haven’t done in a while,” Gray offered with a shy smile.
“No. Sorry, but I don’t do guilt fucks or pity fucks. I’m only with a man if he wants to be with me, not because he feels guilty or, worse yet, obligated. That’s no way… it’s just not what I’m interested in.”
“David…,” Gray said, but didn’t continue.
“I’ll be out in the morning. And don’t worry. I won’t say a word to anyone.” As he started to climb the stairs to the third floor, he said, “Good night.”
DAVID DIDN’T sleep exceptionally well that night. To try to make up for his less than restful night, he stayed in bed a bit later than he normally would have in the morning. But finally he dragged himself out of bed, showered, dressed, and threw a few more things into the suitcases he’d packed the previous night. He knew he couldn’t take everything he wanted with him, but he’d managed to pack the essentials into two suitcases.
He hauled those two bags downstairs and then grabbed a bagel from the refrigerator to toast. He was standing over the sink eating his bagel when he heard his archnemesis yelling his name.
“David! Where the fuck are you? Get your ass out here right now.”
When he heard the noise, he quickly exited the kitchen to investigate.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” the chief of staff demanded loudly once he’d spotted David, not even taking the time for the usual morning pleasantries.
“Excuse me?” David asked.
“There is no fucking way that you are moving out of the White House. None. You got that?” he yelled at David, advancing angrily toward his position. David instinctively took a step backward. “That would be a PR disaster, and you are not going to do anything so stupid as to move out.”
The hairs of David’s arms were standing up, bristling as they would on an animal prepared to go into a fight. But before he could respond, the other man continued. “You are not to do or say anything that would indicate that you and the President are anything other than the happy First Couple.”
“I don’t see that this is any of your concern. This is a private matter between me and my husband.”
“You’ve lived here long enough to understand this. You know that there are no private matters in this house and that everything that happens is a reflection on the President, and the news of the First Couple separating would be catastrophic. It’s bad enough that it’s you,” he said before suddenly stopping.
“Me?” David asked.
“A man. One of my chief duties is to safeguard the President’s reputation and his standing with the American people. He can’t accomplish a goddamned thing if his approval ratings are in the tank. He can’t hope to win re-election in three years’ time. I can tell you that the American people will not tolerate any bullshit like you moving out. The President does not separate from his wife.”
He could not have used words that were more of a red flag for David than those words. “I’m not his wife,” David protested angrily.
“Whatever. His… whatever you call yourself,” he said dismissively, waving a hand as if to brush off the issue. “Call yourself whatever the fuck you want. I don’t care. But the American public―the voters―want to see things calm and under control in the White House. They don’t want to see the President’s private life fall apart. That, more than anything else, will make them all wonder about whether or not he’s even up to the job of being President.”
David crossed his arms. “All of that from me moving out? I didn’t know I was so all-powerful.”
“This is no joke, you jackass. The people out there don’t want their First Couple separating, even if it is… this. That has never happened in the entire history of our nation, and it goddamned well is not going to happen now under my watch. Do you understand me?”
“No, I don’t understand you. This is a private matter between my husband and me. We will handle it, discreetly, so don’t worry.”
“It doesn’t work that way, you jackass.”
“That’s the second time in less than a minute that you’ve called me that. It will not happen a third time,” David warned him calmly. “I’ve been married to him for more than ten years.”
“When he became President, your marriage to the man moved to the backseat, where it will stay for as long as he is President.”
“Excuse me? What did you just say?” David shouted at the man.
“You married Grayson Alexander. But you are now married to the President of the United States. And while he is President, your relationship to Grayson Alexander is of secondary importance to his relationship to the American people. That relationship determines his ability to get his job done and to be liked by people, so that’s what comes first. When he was thrust into power, you became secondary to his job as President of the United States. So buck up, Tinker Bell, and play your part.”
David was simply stunned by the tirade he was listening to, but it was not over yet.
David returned to one of the man’s
earlier points. “I became secondary? I can’t believe I’m standing here listening to this bullshit.”
“David, I’ve tolerated your crap from the beginning, reluctantly, but this is over the line. You are going to start behaving in accord with what his job requires of his wife.”
“Again, since you can’t seem to get this through your head, I’m not his wife! And what do you mean ‘I’ve tolerated your crap’?” David angrily demanded.
“You continuing to work, you being the First Spouse―or Man or whatever―to work outside of the house. The First Lady has always been the happy homemaker before. But you having to have a job outside of the White House means that you have completely ignored your First Spouse duties and obligations. Want me to go on?”
“Yes, I’d love to hear you continue this,” David told him.
“He is the President of the United States.”
“I know that. I was there when it happened. But I didn’t marry the President of the United States. I married Gray Alexander who later happened to become the President. I got to him before the presidency did.”
“Well, too bad, because you’re married to him now. So suck it up, princess, and deal with it like the President’s wife, a responsible adult, and not like some spoiled brat. You have duties. You have a job here.”
“I was not elected President, nor was I hired for any job.”
“No, but you’re married to the man who is, for better or for worse, so I’ve got to do what I can with you.”
“Do what you can with me? Please go on. Is part of that keeping us apart?”
“Of course. A lot of the country isn’t happy with having an openly gay President. But as long as they see just the President and not some reminder of who he’s fucking, they’re a lot better with the whole concept. So you need to be in the picture as little as humanly possible.”
“So you’ve deliberately sent him off one way while also monitoring my schedule to be sure that we don’t overlap much. I had suspected that and talked with Gray about it, but he insisted that it couldn’t be. It just couldn’t be. Clearly it could and is.”
“Right. Fewer chances of you being seen together, of you two going out somewhere in public, of you having some temper tantrum out in public. The Presidency is our highest office and it needs to be respected, it needs to be treated with great dignity and care. And as long as I’m in this job, that’s how it’s going to work. So as of this moment, going forward, you are going to cut out this bullshit about independence, you’ll stay out of sight and completely off the radar screen, there will be no television appearances, there will be no—”
David hadn’t realized Gray stood just around the corner from them and had listened to the vast majority of their exchange until Gray stepped forward. With a perfectly neutral expression on his face, Gray interrupted his chief of staff in midsentence. “Leave us,” he ordered.
Surprisingly, Marty did just that.
“I’m sorry about that,” Gray began, speaking softly.
David was livid. He was embarrassed, he was humiliated, and he was simply furious. “Why does he even know what we talked about? That was personal. Did you go running to him and tell him ‘the little woman is having a hissy fit―go deal with her’? Huh? Is that it? Is that what you said to him? Or does he have this entire floor bugged with listening devices so he can monitor everything that goes on up here?” David’s anger was unmistakable.
“None of the above,” Gray said. “I didn’t sleep very well last night, so I got up early and went downstairs to my office. He saw that I was upset and asked me what was wrong. Without thinking, I told him I hadn’t slept well last night because you were talking about moving out. I didn’t know he would come up here to talk to you.”
“He didn’t talk, he lectured me. And you should have heard some of the crap he was spouting. As I suspected, he’s homophobic on top of everything else. He called me ‘princess.’ I nearly punched the fucker in the mouth when he said that.”
“I heard.”
“How?” David asked.
“I heard almost all of the conversation. When you tried to talk with me earlier about him, I didn’t take your concern as seriously as I should have. I… I didn’t believe you when you told me about him. Clearly, I was wrong, and I apologize for that.”
“Great, but too little, too late.” David was surprised by this admission of a failing from Gray.
“I’m so sorry I doubted you. And I can see that I really blew it badly with just about everything regarding us since we moved into this building. I know now that I blew it spectacularly with the whole Marburg thing. I’m sorry I had you quarantined. That was a horrible mistake on my part, and I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me for that mistake.”
“I already have,” David told him, his voice calm. Checking his watch, he said, “I’ve got to get moving.”
He retrieved a couple of final items that he put into his suitcases before closing them.
“What are you doing?” Gray asked.
“As I told you last night, I’m leaving. And based on the lecture I just got, clearly my presence in this house is a problem, so it’s time for me to quietly disappear from this house, from your life, from everything.”
“David, please don’t go. Please don’t move out. Not because of some bullshit about it not looking good, but for the simple reason that I can’t imagine living without you. I love you.”
“I love you too, Gray, which is why I have to do this. I have to. If I don’t, I… I have to. You’ll say nice words that will last maybe twelve hours if I’m lucky. I’ve been burned too many times before. This is way beyond that. For all intents and purposes, ‘we’ don’t exist anymore and haven’t for a long time. So I’m leaving, as I told you last night. As soon as I have an address, I’ll send it to you.
“Since you were listening to the lecture I just got, I hope you heard the part about your staff doing everything in its power to keep us separated. I’ve suspected that for a very long time, but since we were never together, I couldn’t talk it over with my oldest and dearest friend. Maybe if there had been time to share my suspicions with you….”
“I understand, and rest assured that such things as my staff―any of my staff―keeping us deliberately apart ends right now.”
“Good words, Gray, but I don’t believe them anymore. I’ve heard lots of words, but what I haven’t seen is anything change. I haven’t seen any action.
“This year, since we’ve moved into this house, you’ve been on overdrive. You’ve got everyone in this entire house, except for me, trained now after months of watching and working with you. They’re not suddenly going to hit the brakes and make a complete course correction. And I know how your schedule works. Your calendar has things on it years out into the future. You can’t just say, ‘I don’t want to work today,’ because your staff has followed your directions and booked you solid for a ridiculous number of meetings and conferences for every day. You can’t just suddenly say, ‘No, I want to do something different. Make it so.’”
Smiling, the President said, “Why not? I’m all powerful, aren’t I?” he joked.
David was not in a joking mood. “I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen you in so long I can’t remember.”
“I’m sorry,” Gray softly apologized, stepping toward David and trying to hug him. David held up his arm and blocked Gray’s advance.
“No,” David said simply. “This is hard enough as it is. Please don’t make it harder. You need time to be President in the way you want to be. It’s clearly not a nine-to-five job. I understand that. I accept that. Although some Presidents have made the nine-to-five model work. With me gone, you’ll have time to do the job as you want and not have to worry about me or feel bad for missing yet another date.”
“Don’t move out. I want you here,” Gray practically begged.
“Not without you here as well. And you’re never here. It’s like we moved to a foreign country and then you dis
appeared, leaving me there all by myself. I’m not doing this to be difficult. I’m honestly trying to make things easier for you… and for me.”
“And how does making me miserable make things better for me?” Gray demanded of him.
“You’ll get over it because you’ve got your job to focus on, and as I was just informed by your chief of staff, I’m secondary to that job.”
“Don’t listen to anything he says. I don’t want you to go anywhere,” Gray pleaded. “Please.”
“You want that?”
“You bet your sweet ass I do,” Gray told him, which turned out to be precisely the wrong thing to say, or at least the wrong phrasing of the right sentiment.
“How would you know anything about my ass?” David demanded, turning toward him with anger dancing in his eyes.
“Excuse me?”
“I said, how would you know about my ass? You haven’t seen it in a very, very long time, just as I haven’t seen yours.”
“What are you saying?”
“When was the last time we had sex? When was the last time we even saw each other naked?”
Gray was clearly thinking, trying to remember. “I’m sorry, but I don’t remember,” he finally answered with clear embarrassment.
“Exactly. And that should speak volumes to you. We used to be much more physically expressive. We’ve always been best friends as well as lovers. You always used to be as frisky as I was. Hell, we used to fuck at the drop of a hat. There wasn’t a room in our house where we hadn’t fucked like rabbits. But that hasn’t been the case for months. The last time was in London, Gray. Do you remember that state visit to the UK? That was when it happened, and the only reason it happened then was because you were jealous of Giles.”
“No!” Gray protested.
“Yes, it has been several months since you last touched me or even looked at me with a sexual thought. I’m sorry. I know how important this job is to you. I know how few men have risen to the office that you now occupy and how what you are doing now is going to be in history books someday. I want people in the future to read about you and all that you accomplished. But I can’t just go into dry dock waiting for these four or eight years to pass.
Dreamspinner Press Year Nine Greatest Hits Page 115