by Ginny Dye
“Look at me, Rose.” Rose leaned back in his arms and raised her eyes to meet his. “I love you,” Moses said simply, his deep voice deeper still with emotion. “You hear me, girl. I love you.”
Tears sprang to Rose’s eyes. “I love you, too, Moses.” She did. The vow she had made flashed into her mind. She would never marry and stand the chance of her husband being sold. Suddenly, her vow meant nothing. She had found the man that made the risk worth taking. She could no more imagine life without Moses than she could imagine ever giving up the dream of someday being free. Both of them had become as natural in her mind as breathing.
“I want to marry you, Rose. I want to be your husband.”
Rose reached up to touch his face with her hand. “I can’t imagine anything that would make me happier.”
A joyous smile wreathed Moses’ face as he stared down at her. “You’ll be my wife?” he whispered incredulously.
Rose nodded, her own smile matching his.
“Glory!” Moses whispered. Then he bent his head until his lips found hers. Rose once again lost all track of time as Moses’ gentle kiss claimed every part of her heart, mind and soul. Fatigue dropped away as a new life spread before her. She pushed away any fears of what the future would bring. Now was here. Here in the clearing where she was giving this man all she was. She would not let what might be mar her newfound joy.
Moses finally lifted his head. “You’ve got to tell Miss Carrie so that we can plan our wedding time.”
Reality brought Rose jarring back to earth. Her lips still thrilled to Moses’ gentle kiss, but her heart was once more a raging fire.
Moses pulled back and looked at her closely. “What is it, Rose?” When Rose shook her head, he took her hand and pulled her over to sit on a log. “My mama always said locking things up inside made things turn into a poison that would eat your soul. Seems to me that your mama would say the same thing.”
Rose looked at him and sighed. She was afraid the poison was already doing its work. “You’ve changed,” she said suddenly. “Why?”
Moses’ smiled but was not to be dissuaded. “I’ll tell you, Rose. But not until you tell me what’s causing the shadow in those pretty eyes.”
Rose looked away and stared into the shadows. Slowly, she began to speak. “I do indeed have poison in my heart, Moses.” She faltered, but stumbled on, determined to be honest. “More than anything in the world I want to be free. I want to follow my dreams. I want to live a life with you that won’t include fear we may one day be sold away from each other.” Her voice drifted off and then she looked at him and spoke fiercely. “My heart is burning with hate. I hate Miss Carrie! I hate that she can have everything I want! Every time I see her my dreams are thrown in my face, mocking me with how silly I am to ever think I can be somebody.” Now that she had started, her words flowed like the waters of the mighty James. Nothing could stop them. “I hate being a slave! I hate being afraid! I hate sneaking around in the dark to teach people how to read and write! I want to have a normal school – one where folks can come and not have to hide it.” Finally, her face contorted and her voice broke with the pain she had been pressing in. “Oh Moses, the hate is eating my heart.”
Moses held her close as the sobs wracked her slender body. He held her and rocked her gently as she huddled close to him. Finally, her tears began to abate and her body grew still. Softly, he began to speak. “You asked me why I had changed. I aim to tell you.”
Moses looked off, a faraway look in his eyes. “You know what I was like when I got to Cromwell. I was angry and bitter. I reckon I had every right to be. Anybody would be. I hung on to that hate and anger, knowing I had every right to it. Your mama made me real mad that night in her cabin when she told me the anger would hurt nobody but myself.” Moses paused. “She got me to thinking, though. You got a lot of time for thinking when you’re standing at the other end of a hoe out in the fields. I thought a lot about my Daddy. He had a powerful yearning to be free, but he never hated anyone. I never understood why. I knew my Daddy was a strong man, but in this one area I was afraid he was weak. I vowed never to be that way. Then I got to watching Adams real close.”
“Adams?” Rose echoed.
“Yep, Ike Adams. The more I watched him the more I saw the poison eating his soul. He is a man full of hate. It pours out of every part of him. I finally realized I didn’t want to be like him. One night, real late, I came out here to the woods by myself.”
“When Moses? When did you come?”
Moses cocked his head, thinking. “I reckon it was about a month ago.”
“Right after everyone escaped?”
“Yeah, I guess so. Making the decision to stay behind meant I needed to learn how to live here for now.” He paused. “Anyway, I came out into the woods by myself and stayed here a long time. I did a lot of thinking about what your mama had said. I realized she was right. My soul is all I truly have. People, black or white, can destroy my body, but they can’t touch what’s inside.” Then his huge eyes filled with tears. Rose watched in amazement as one escaped and trickled down his face. “Someone came to me that night.” He shook his head in amazement. “I don’t reckon I can explain it. I didn’t see anyone… I just know someone was here – someone a heap more powerful than me. I know your mama would say it was Jesus. I can’t rightly say I know for sure -it was just someone shining a lot of love.” His voice trailed away and his face filled with awe as he relived the experience. “I gave everything to whoever was with me that night. They took all my bitterness and hatred, and gave me back strength and determination. Determination not to let the poison take my soul. I ain’t gonna hate no more, Rose. I have too much living to do to concentrate on hating!” His voice rang out with confidence as he turned his shining eyes toward her.
Rose stared up at him. She was glad for Moses, but his words did nothing to calm her own heart. She wanted them to - oh, how she wanted them to... She looked into his eyes and tried to draw the strength there into her own soul. Finally, she shook her head and laid it on his broad shoulder. “I’m so happy for you, Moses...”
Moses put a finger on her trembling lips. “Shhh... You’re fighting your own battle. I told you why I changed. You got to find your own answer.” He smiled gently. “Let’s go. It’s time to get back.”
Rose, when she reached the edge of the clearing, lifted her head and kissed Moses, then waited until she saw him disappear into his cabin. Instead of heading for the Big House, however, she glided across the clearing to her mama’s cabin.
“Mama?” Rose whispered into the darkness from the open cabin door.
“Rose girl? You be alright?
Rose moved into the cabin. “Yes, mama. I’m not sure why I’m here,” she said slowly.
Sarah rose from her chair by the dark fireplace.
“Mama! You’re not in bed?”
Sarah smiled. “I was waiting for you.”
Rose gasped. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and just enough moonlight shone in for her to see the soft smile on Sarah’s face. She didn’t know why she was surprised. Her Mama always knew when something was going on with her. Sarah opened her arms and Rose walked right into them. Long minutes passed while her mama held her and stroked her hair. Rose finally slid down on the floor and sat with her head resting on her lap like she had done when she was a small child. She knew her mama would wait for her to talk.
“My insides are all jumbled up…” The gentle hand never stopped its steady stroking - it just became a little more tender. Rose blinked back the tears trying to escape. She thought she had already cried herself dry. Now there seemed to be a never ending fountain. The anger was consumed by her fatigue – she simply felt an overwhelming sadness and emptiness. “Moses asked me to marry him.”
“Is that a bad thin’?”
“Oh, no!” she cried. “It’s a wonderful thing. I love him the way you loved Daddy.”
“I still love your Daddy,” Sarah said softly.
“
I know,” Rose said. “And I know your heart still feels ripped apart because he was taken from you. I’ve always been afraid of falling in love - of wanting to marry a man. I didn’t want to take the chance of hurting like that.”
“Can’t run from hurt, Rose. You might miss some hurt but you’ll also miss all the joys of livin’.”
Rose sighed and shook her head. “I got poison in my soul, mama.”
“Cause of all the hate there.”
Rose didn’t even bother to ask how she knew. She just nodded and repeated what she had told Moses in the clearing. Sarah’s hand continued its gentle stroking. The connection with her mama’s love helped Rose to keep going. “I want to get rid of the hate, but I don’t know how. Moses has changed. I want to change too. I just don’t know how!”
“That ain’t true, Rose,” Sarah said calmly. “You say you want to change, but you ain’t really got to the place where you want to do it.”
Rose opened her mouth to protest and then closed it again.
Sarah continued. “You been buildin’ up this hate fer a long time. Envy and bitterness are bad bed fellows. They eat your heart and then leave you fer dead. I know. They ate mine for a long time. I said I wanted to change but I didn’t - not really. I’d gotten used to holdin’ all that hate inside.”
Rose didn’t bother to deny what her mama was saying. In the darkness of the cabin, surrounded by her Mama’s love, she was finally facing the truth.
“You got to hate the hate, girl. You say you want to be free. Having your body frree ain’t gonna do you no good if your heart ain’t free. Your heart got to be free first.”
“But how?” Rose cried, closing her eyes. Silence was her only answer. She’d known it would be when she’d asked the question. She already knew the answer. Silence fell on the cabin as Rose fought the biggest battle of her life. All the past hurts reared their ugly heads to shout for justice. Images of Carrie living the life she longed for ran before her eyes. Memories of all the years with her Daddy gone caused pain to sear through her heart. Overlaying all of them was the image of a heart oozing bitterness and hate - pulsating with an evil that would soon cause it to explode - destroying the very life it sought to find. Just when Rose thought she couldn’t take any more, a gentle light began to slowly illuminate the whole ugly mess. She knew she had two choices – to give in to the hate, or reach out for the light and invite it into her life. Her heart pounded harder as she stared at her life. It was her decision. Slowly, in her mind, she reached for the light. As she stretched forth her hand, the light’s glow strengthened and brightened. The ugly scenes began to recede into the background - the oozing of the heart slowed. Eagerly now, she reached forth as far as she could. God, take all the hate. Take all the hurt. The light glowed with an intensity that hurt her eyes. The past faded from view. Only the heart was left. A glowing, pulsating heart - whole and healthy.
Then the tears came. Rose collapsed on her mother’s lap as wrenching sobs consumed her body. The tears in the clearing had been tears of pain. These were healing tears - washing her soul of the residue that had built up - cleansing her body of all the poison.
Sarah never stopped the stroking. Finally, Rose pulled back and looked up. The moon shone bright on her face, merely illuminating the glow already there.
Sarah nodded. “I know, girl. I know.”
Rose laid her head back on her lap. She knew her Mama knew.
Sarah waited several minutes and then began to speak. “You know why I gave you the name Rose?”
Rose shook her head.
“You be named Rose cause I knew your life was gonna be full of thorns. But God told me you would truly be like the rose - the purtiest flower in the whole world. Not only would you survive them thorns, you would thrive right in the middle of dem. Your beauty would shine out to every person that be ‘round you.”
Rose laughed weakly. “I’m not feeling much like a rose right now.”
“Don’t matter none how you feel right now,” Sarah said firmly. “I’m gonna tell you one of the secrets of living, girl.”
Rose sat up straighter. It wasn’t often that her Mama told things directly. She usually asked questions and let her figure it out herself. If she was just going to say it, then it was really important.
Sarah looked down at her tenderly. “You got to bloom where you’re planted.”
Rose stared up at her. That was it?
Sarah smiled gently. “I know you was the one to help all them slaves escape last month.”
Rose gasped. “How?”
Sarah shrugged. “God gave me a dream. But that ain’t what’s important.” She paused. “I know you gave up your own chance to be free. And I know you gave it up for me. You knows I would want you to take your chance to be free. And I know you wouldn’t ever leave your old mama.” A tear trickled down her leathery cheeks as she gazed lovingly at her daughter. Her voice cracked, but she continued. “I’m too old to be escapin’, Rose. I’m gonna end my life right here.” Sarah paused. “For now, that means your life gonna be here on Cromwell Plantation. That leaves you only one thin’ to do. You got’s to live as hard as you can where you be. You got’s to look deep inside and find out all the thin’s you got to give the world - then you got to give it. You can’t spend all your days lookin’ backward. And you can’t spend all your days lookin’ forward. It’s today that counts, Rose. You’s got to bloom where you be planted. God’s got you planted here for now.”
Rose listened hard. She knew her Mama was right.
“Girl, you’s already been doin’ some bloomin’. That school you have is helpin’ to fight the evil people has put us under. Teachin’ them folks how to read and write - you letting off a powerful perfume, girl. But nows you can bloom bigger and brighter without that poison eatin’ your heart. Use the gifts God done give you, Rose. You give ever’thin’ you can. God will make sure them gifts don’t go to waste.”
Rose nodded and then suddenly stiffened. The sound of wagon wheels rumbled in the distance, growing closer. It could only be one person. She stood and crept to the edge of the door and peered out. Sarah rose to join her. The rumbling grew louder as the wagon appeared – a dark speck against the moonlit glow of the road. Rose strained to see the wagon. Were there people in it? She held her breath and peered out into the night.
Slowly, the wagon drew even with the cabin. Adams was hunched on the front seat, obviously exhausted. But the wagon... the wagon was empty! Adams had returned alone. Her friends were free! Great tears rolled down Rose’s face as she watched the wagon disappear into the dark night. On the very edge of the horizon, she could see a faint glimmer of dawn. The night was gone. She must get back to the Big House. Sam was probably frantic.
“Them folks wouldn’t be free if it weren’t for you, Rose,” Sarah said quietly. “I’m proud of you, girl.” Then she added, “Moses be a fine man. He’ll make you a good husband.” It was the first thing she had said about Rose’s announcement. They had taken care of the important things first.
Rose turned, threw her arms around her mother, and hugged her tightly. “Thank you, mama,” she whispered.
Sarah finally pulled back. “I know you’s got to go, girl, but I got one more thin’ I want to tell you.” Sarah moved back to her chair and sank down. “I had a dream a few nights ago. In that dream I was free. Free! Walking the streets of heaven hand-in-hand with my Jesus. There weren’t no slave or free there. Everyone be equal.” She paused. “Jesus told me somethin’, girl.” Once again her eyes filled with tears. “He done told me that people be people. As long as we live here on this earth, the sin in people will make them try to dominate, to prove they be better than others. It don’t matter none whether it be black or white, or Indian, or anythin’ else – there will always be hatred in people’s hearts. We can only do two things. We can fight that evil all we can - and we can fight the hate that be in our own hearts.”
Sarah leaned back and closed her eyes. Rose kissed her forehead gently. “I love you,
mama.”
TWENTY-SIX
“Do you really think staring out the window is going to make him come faster, Carrie?” Abigail’s voice, though weak, was amused.
Carrie turned and smiled at her mother. “I suppose not,” she sighed. Robert was coming today! The long awaited day had finally arrived. In her mind, she had pushed away the things that might divide them, and spent the weeks caring for her mother, dreaming of the good times she and Robert had shared. She needed the memories of the good times to keep her going. Then she grinned, “But if wishing will make him get here faster, he should be here any minute!”
Abigail smiled and then doubled over in a fit of coughing. Carrie frowned and hurried to her mother’s side. She had done nothing but grow weaker in the last two months. September had brought some relief from the searing heat, but Abigail’s strength had continued to fade. Carrie had done all she knew to do. Medicine didn’t work. The herbs didn’t work. The love Thomas lavished on his wife didn’t work. Daily, Carrie watched the life ebb from her mother’s eyes.
Finally, Abigail straightened and laid back against the pillows. Her face was flushed with the effort and her eyes had a glazed look, but she forced herself to speak. “I want you to go out with Robert, Carrie.” Carrie opened her mouth to protest that she wouldn’t leave her mother’s side, but Abigail fluttered her hand to stop her. “I’ll be fine. Her voice strained to continue. “You need to be with Robert.”
Carrie reached for her hand and pressed it gently. “Don’t, mama. Don’t try and talk. I’ll do it. I’ll go out with Robert.” She tried to sound cheerful. “I promised him months ago that I would take him for a tour of the plantation on Granite. I’m going to keep my promise.”
Abigail smiled and squeezed Carrie’s hand weakly. “That’s good,” she whispered. “You’re a good girl, Carrie.” Her voice dropped away as she leaned back and closed her eyes.