by HJ Bellus
Tripp’s lips found mine and he kissed his worry away, getting tangled up in my mouth. We lost all concern in each other’s lips. His calloused hands found their way under my shirt and gripped me tightly. My hands ran through his hair and my damn hips started their instinctive dance, grinding down on Tripp’s crotch.
I pulled away and whispered against his lips, “I think we have a stick to piss on.”
We opened three more pregnancy tests, throwing the directions in the air and the sticks into the trash. We needed help. Our nerves were killing every bit of common sense the two of us had, combined. Both of us turned to each other and said at the same exact time, “Milly.”
Me: We need serious help
Milly: For real or is this another prank
Me: Nope it’s a 911…get your ass over here
Twenty-five minutes later, that familiar blue Dodge truck pulled up outside our cabin. Tripp had started grilling steaks to calm his nerves and I began making the famous potato salad. Annie came bounding up the stairs in a cowgirl hat, kabob and rain boots. I sure hoped that child learns to dress better before junior high, but I had to admit, the little shit pulled it off well.
Milly and Cree took advantage of their twenty seconds of alone time and were lip locked, leaning up against the truck and I could barely see my lil boy’s wild, dark locks peeking up out of his car seat. The two lovebirds finally broke apart. Milly grabbed Mac and his diaper bag, and Cree grabbed two canisters of sprinkles. Some things never change.
Annie flew into Tripp’s arms. He held her as he continued to grill. We all listened to the pair talk baseball. Annie’s t-ball season was over with, but Tripp was still helping coach the high school team, and Annie deemed herself Tripp’s assistant.
“Unky, you really need to shape up that catcher. He stinks.”
“I know. He needs some work on catching,” Tripp replied, as if he was talking to another baseball expert.
“No Unky, he really stinks. We need to buy him some deodorant and practice his catches,” Annie said pointing her little finger in Tripp’s face.
“Okay, you can slip him a tube of deodorant next game. But take it easy on playing catching with him,” Tripp said, as he tried to stifle his laughter.
Milly walked up beside, and asked, “Where’s the fire?”
“In my pants, possibly my crotch, more likely my belly,” I said.
“Why is there a fire in your crotch, Aunt Lacey? Does it hurt?” Annie asked.
“Let’s go play some catch, little girl,” Cree said as he took Mac and Annie out into the front yard.
“We think Lacey is pregnant and the two of us are too revved up to take the test,” Tripp let out in one big breath.
“You know you have to wait until you miss your first period before you can take the test,” Milly replied.
“I’ve missed my period,” I whispered.
“What are you holding from me?” Milly demanded.
She was now clearly pissed. I couldn’t talk or tell her.
Tripp took me in his arms and started explaining, “We busted a condom while camping this summer.”
Milly pulled me from Tripp’s grasp and gripped each of my cheeks, squeezing with visible anger. We were face to face, and now staring into each other’s eyes. Milly was pissed and had every right to be.
“Why is this the first time I’ve heard of this?” she demanded.
“I didn’t want to be a distraction to Annie’s t-ball or the farm,” I whispered.
“Fucking bullshit,” she hissed back to me.
“Milly, back off,” Tripp tried to interrupt.
Cree entered the room and was perplexed by the situation in front of him. Milly wasn’t the violent type and she was about to kick my ass, then Tripp’s.
“Milly, take a breath,” he said as he grabbed her forcing her to let go of me.
She whirled on Cree like a rabid dog ready to attack, “Where are my kids?”
“Calm down, Dolly. Willow is outside with them. I heard you shouting,” Cree said as he grabbed Milly.
All eyes were now focused on me.
“Let’s hear it, Lacey. Let’s hear why I’m not good enough to know that you have been worried this last month that you could possibly be pregnant. I know you’re worried and don’t want to be pregnant. So what fucking gives?” Milly shouted out.
Tripp stepped forward to defend me. I could tell by his posture that he was on the attack. I grabbed his arm and stepped in front of him to face my sister.
“I’m scared. I’m fucking scared, Milly. Not everyone is a super mom, wife and person like you!” I let it all out.
“I know you’re not me. But why? I love you, Lacey.”
“I’m scared I will lose the baby if I’m pregnant and then lose Tripp. I’m fucking scared!” By now, I was screaming at the top of my lungs and swinging my arms around punching at the air.
Dead silence filled the room. The four of us had been through a lot together. I found Milly nearly beaten to death and she found me bleeding. Milly had to tell Tripp that I tried to commit suicide. We waded through the refuse of my childhood horrors together, and through it all, we have remained a family.
I buried my face into my hands and whispered, “I’m sorry, Milly.”
Tripp wrapped me up into his strong arms and held me. He made a very clear statement to the room, leaving no chance that his message could ever be mistaken.
He very calmly spoke down into my hair, “Fuck that. A wise woman once told me that she never apologized for anything. You owe no one an apology. We handled this the best we knew how. Milly can choose to accept it or leave it. You never apologize to anyone, pretty girl.”
My body tensed with his words. I didn’t want to lose him or Milly over this pathetic misunderstanding. I needed both of them to continue surviving.
Milly finally grabbed my hand and said, “I’m here and love you. It was pretty shitty of you to leave me out. I don’t care what anyone says, it was shitty,” Milly spouted off and glared at Tripp.
“Now quit being a chicken shit and cowboy up, cupcake. You’re an amazing person and it’s time you let the world see it. Now let’s go piss on a stick,” Milly said.
“I think I just pissed down my legs from you yelling at me. You can be a mean bitch,” I replied and we all started to laugh, allowing the tension to escape from the room.
Tripp’s body relaxed and I melted back into him. Cree visibly unclenched his fists and let out a loud sigh. He loved Tripp, but there was no doubt he would beat the ever loving shit out of him for disrespecting Milly, and we all knew we were only seconds away from that going down.
“I’m still pissed at you, Lacey, but let’s go see if you are knocked up or not.”
Willow chose this moment to come bounding back in with the kiddos. Mac obviously wanted his mother’s boob and Annie was pitching a royal hissy fit.
“Unky!” she hollered, as she stormed down the hallway tossing her mitt to the floor and then kicking it for added effect. The little shit knew she had Tripp wrapped around her finger and she was just igniting a firework show for added drama. He fell for it every time. God help us, if we ever have a little Annie.
“What’s up, Miss Annie?” he asked her.
“Willow throws like a girl. I need some heat,” she said.
All of us rolled our eyes at her demand. Annie liked to act tough around her Uncle Tripp, and he always put on a show for her making sure to throw her balls like he did in the pros.
“Perfect timing, Annie. Let’s go play catch,” he said as he basically ran from the room. You would think he had another case of lightning diarrhea.
Milly took Mac from Willow and shamelessly plopped her tit out to nurse him. She was a pro at flopping that big ol’ tit out anywhere for her boy. Her nipples were something from a horror show. Oh god! Is that what happened when you nurse? They were all elongated and chapped and frankly fucking ugly! Jesus, my kid would be a formula baby for sure. I loved my perky, pierced nipp
les.
“What’s going on? We could hear you numbnuts yelling from outside. I told Annie you guys were playing a game of Twister,” Willow let out in one long breath.
“Lacey thinks she is pregnant and too big of a puss to take the damn test. So, we all have to be here for her,” Milly said.
“Jesus Christ, don’t sugar coat anything for me.”
“Lacey, just go piss already. I need to know if I’m going to be an aunt or if this is just a dud, cause I know how small of a dick Tripp has,” Milly said with a wink.
“I swear if you weren’t holding Mac I’d corndog your ass right now.”
“Go piss, and then lay the stick flat on the counter.”
Willow looked between us with utter shock covering her face, but she was smart enough to not say a word. I left Milly in my room nursing Mac, and Willow with her mouth wide open, to go piss on a stick that was going to tell me my future.
I pissed with my eyes closed and my breath held. Not sure what difference it made, but I did it. My heart knew that it wanted a baby, but my head was still screaming at me. I had to choose in that moment, my brain or my heart. Placing the pregnancy test on the counter, I rested back on the toilet with my shorts around my ankles and started to meditate.
The past, present and future all jumbled together in my thoughts, and I just sat frozen on the fucking toilet, letting all my crazy worries and wild dreams buzz around me in the tiny blue bathroom. I had a choice to make...and my choice was Tripp and the baby. May not be a baby now, but there would be a baby. I would fight for it for Tripp. No matter the cost, I would give it to him. If I had to choose between my life and giving my husband his baby, it would be the baby.
My brain finally quit shouting at me. It turned off and allowed my heart to do the thinking. Fear was still lingering in my heart, but it wasn’t the driving force. Right when I came to peace with my decision, allowing my body to soften and relax, Milly came busting through the door.
“Okay! It’s been twenty minutes. I allowed six minutes for you to get the courage to piss and one minute for you to actually piss. Then ten minutes for the test to work its magic. So, in theory I can walk over to that fucking pissed soaked stick and see your future. Are you going to let me do that since you have been a sneaky whizzle titties for the past four weeks? Answer now,” Milly said as she raised her hands above her head.
She was beaming with excitement. I knew that I had hurt her, and that was the last thing that I intended to do. She had earned this moment, and she deserved every little bit of it. But, by God, I was going to make the little fucker work for it.
“You gonna shave my legs for me when I’m pregnant?” I propositioned.
“Really? You are gonna fucking bargain with me?” Milly said, as she steadied herself to dart for the pregnancy test.
I straightened up on the toilet letting her know she would have to wrestle my ass for the test.
“And free mochas for the duration of the pregnancy and possibly orange Italian sodas if I crave them,” I retorted, with my arm outstretched towards the test.
“Caffeine free mochas, dumbass! And the italian sodas depend on your levels of bitchiness,” she countered, as she took two steps towards the test.
“Deal?” I questioned, as I placed my right hand on the test.
“Deal, hoochie!” she proclaimed, as she ripped the test from my hand.
“So?” I asked.
Milly didn’t respond, she only shed silent tears. Tears of happiness? Or Tears of sorrow? She was the one person who knew all my demons, fears and anxieties when it came to being a momma.
“Milly…” I asked.
Her deep brown eyes peered up to me, and in that instant, I knew I was knocked up. But, by God, knocked up in the very best way. I was knocked up by my husband and my sister was about to tell me so. My tears beat Milly’s response. We were soul sisters and soul sisters didn’t need to use words to express their thoughts. I was pregnant.
“You’re pregnant,” she said.
Silence filled the air, and that wasn’t typical when it involved the two of us.
“Well no fucking shit I’m pregnant. My husband has excellent swimmers and a gorgeous cock. They are body builders, just like him. Strong little fuckers.”
Milly rushed over to me, and I leapt off the toilet and we hugged. Both of our shoulders damp with salty tears.
“I’m your babies godmother,” she insisted.
“Do rebels really appoint Godmothers,” I asked in all seriousness.
“Fuck yes they do, when they have a BFF that is smoking hot and talented.”
“I do love you, Miss Milly May,” I said.
She hated that nickname.
“I know you do, and I’m sorry for being a bitch earlier. I know that your small dicked husband doesn’t let you apologize, so I will be the bigger person and do so.”
Jesus, Milly really believed Tripp had a small dick. I didn’t correct her, because I knew for a fact he was bigger than Cree from her very descriptive explanation of Cree’s one eyed monster. Did I just say one-eyed monster? Must be the pregnancy hormones already…
Milly and I were still holding each other when Willow entered the bathroom. My shorts and hot pink thong were wrapped around my ankles.
“Guess you’re knocked up,” Willow deadpanned.
Willow was the silent buddy, but she was there in mind and spirit, fighting her own demands. I reached out with one arm to pull her into our group hug.
“Yes, I’m knocked up with the spawn of Tripp.”
My husband chose that moment to walk in on us hugging in the bathroom. My bare ass was exposed to his eyes as I continued to hug my twat waffles.
“You weren’t shitting that Lace had Beavis and Butthead tattooed on her ass,” Cree said.
Cree’s voice whipped me back into reality. I whirled to face the two men and instantly pulled up my shorts. Oh shit! Cree just saw the pork chop tattooed across my lady bits too. Jesus, I just exposed my twat to Cree. Definitely, the pregnancy hormones. This was going to be nice having an excuse for all my dumbass moves.
The three of us just stared back at the two men in the narrow doorway of the bathroom. Then, the three of us looked at each other. Milly had the honor of looking at the piss stick, so I guess it was Willow’s turn to relay the news of my newfound motherhood to the men. Willow went to open her mouth when Annie stuck her head between Cree and Tripp’s legs.
“Are you guys meeting without me? Like planning another trip to Disney?” she asked as she raised both eyebrows.
Willow, having the most common sense, simply replied, “Nope! Not this time, missy. Tripp and Lacey were just deciding if they should paint their extra room pink or blue.”
“That’s stupid. Unky, paint it orange and blue,” she replied as she stamped out of the room. Obviously, she was pissed about not going to Disneyland again.
Tripp’s face was something to remember for a lifetime. Words couldn’t explain it. He was thrilled, nervous and green. Green? Yes, the Beast was going to puke. Us girls cleared the way, so he could make it to the toilet, but instead he fainted, crashing to the floor with a Richter Scale boom. What a puss. He was going to be a dad.
***
That evening in the garden…
To The Baby I’ll Never Know-
I found out another baby is growing in my womb. I’m scared and hurt. I ache for you and I hurt for us. Forgiveness will never come to me. My father was a monster and destroyed every life he touched. I’m happy, but yet feel sick about it because of you. Please know I love you, and that Tripp has healed my shattered, devastated heart and has cleared a spot that has your sweet little soul nestled deep down in it.
I will never forgive myself, but I will love myself. I’ve been blessed with this baby and will not mess it up. Just know sweet little baby that you will always stay in my heart. I want you to always tickle my heart with your dancing and brighten my soul with your sweet songs.
Love, Lacey
Tears spilled onto the letter. The words released me from my prison of shame. I folded the letter and tucked it into an envelope to place in our safe at home. One day my lil’ meatball growing in my tummy would know the journey its parents took to be healed and together as one. I plopped onto my back in the garden as my storage of tears continued to escape my fractured, yet healing, person. I released a soft sob while clutching the envelope securely to my chest. My heart still ached for that baby and always would.
Actually, my whole body still hurt for that sweet, little soul that was ripped from me. It had no chance of survival from conception. My thoughts were going to deep and dangerous places when a quick flutter of color caught my attention. Angling my head to the left, I spotted a beautiful orange and pink butterfly landed on the green leaf of the tomato plant in our diminishing fall garden. An eerie wave of peace reverberated between me and the butterfly. A stare down took place, and it was as if the butterfly was enticing me to only have happy thoughts filled with color. A rose color. It suddenly sailed from its leafy perch to rest on my tummy. I strained to lift my head to watch the mysterious winged creature’s adventure. The urge to talk and focus on the color of the butterfly overtook me, and without thinking, I started to speak to the gorgeous beauty,
“You know, they all say I’ll be okay and that I will make a great momma. But remember this, I’m never gonna get over you. Never.”
The rose petal colored butterfly fluttered up to my face and hovered for, what seemed like an eternity. I let the marvelous creature dance around my face as it twirled in the light breeze. It was the most amazing show I had ever watched in my lifetime.
“Baby?” I whispered to it.
The butterfly delicately touched down on my nose for a slight second, and then vanished. My heart was pounding erratically with curiosity while chills ran up my spine, freezing me in place. My deep, cold tears disappeared with the butterfly. The light-hearted breeze remained in the garden left behind by the butterfly.
The blush pink color underneath the wing of the butterfly stamped a burning, lasting impression on my brain, heart and soul. That was my baby telling me it was okay. The beautiful flash of pink reminded me of a rose. A simple, delicate rose. Rose.