by HJ Bellus
Milly went wild with my last comment, “Oh, so you are telling me that this little slut biscuit on your lap is a drizzle demon? Interesting. I remember the same slut biscuit giving me hell about being a come guzzler.”
By this time we were all laughing hard and Lacey kept saying “PMP”, which I had no clue what the hell that meant, and didn’t want to for that matter.
Milly finally caught her breath and said, “Are you going to tell him, or do you want me to?”
Lacey’s face flashed a guilty smile and then she said, “You spill it.”
“What the hell is going on? I can’t handle much more from you two today. Anyway, why are you here and not waiting for me at home?” I questioned, waiting for the bomb to drop. With Milly and Lacey, it was never a little boom, but more like a fucking bomb that sent the world spinning.
“Our Halloween costumes came in and Milly is dying for us to try them on, so she stopped by the cabin and rolled my ass out of bed,” Lacey said, looking up at me.
“Halloween costumes? I don’t think so, and how did she get you out of bed with no scratches on her face?” There is no way in hell that I am dressing up for Halloween.
Milly stood up from her seat and took her momma bear stance to duel with me. She was really funny if she thought she stood a chance with me.
“It is a group thing, and we always dress up for Halloween. It was sort of Cree’s and my first date. You guys can take Annie trick or treating around to the different businesses while Lace and I hand out candy here, and then we will all go to the lake together. You are dressing up and not fucking up the theme,” Milly barked.
I could humor her for a while. She continued, “We are dressing up together as individual families. My family is dressing up as the Peter Pan cast, because I love my sexy pirate, and you guys are dressing up as…” Milly tried to finish but was interrupted by the shrilling bell above the door.
It was Cree. That pussy whipped fool would be no help in fighting off the costumes. Hell! He probably thought of the idea. I swear he dressed up more than any woman I knew. He was always dressed up as some prince for Annie or as a shirtless, bacon cooking pirate for Milly. Talk about awkward walking in on Cree frying bacon, shirtless, in his low rise jeans while wearing an eye patch and bandana, while Milly drooled over him from the stool.
Cree walked effortlessly to his wife and scooped her up into a great big hug. He started whispering into her ear just a bit too loudly, “I thought we had a date. You ditched me and left me hanging all by myself in the tractor. The time is perfect, right? We should be trying.”
Milly slapped Cree’s chest, laughed off his comments and then went right back into fighting her costume campaign, “Cree, tell your jackass cousin that we are all dressing up for Halloween.”
“Jackass, you are dressing up for Halloween. Listen to my Dolly,” Cree said, as an evil smile spread across his face. The fucker knew this whole time, and he probably had a say in my fucking costume. Cree made his way behind the counter to fix himself a cup of coffee and Milly went in for the fucking kill.
“Like I said, we will be the Peter Pan cast and you two are going to be Ken and knocked-up Barbie,” Milly squealed with delight.
Lacey pulled her face back to look up into mine to gauge my reaction. I noticed the little twinkle of hopefulness gleaming in her eyes, and I could tell she was excited about this whole dress-up costume cluster fuck. That look. Oh no, that look! Fuck! That look made me do the stupidest shit known to mankind.
“Really, babe?” I whined, hoping to pull off a last inning victory.
“Please, Tripp. Halloween has always been a favorite holiday of mine, since I was a little girl. My momma would always sneak me out of the house to go trick or treating,” Lacey said as tears started to flood her eyes.
That was it. I lost and gladly accepted the L on my record. I tried to act tough, but when it came to my wild Princess, she won every time.
“Fine. It’s a deal, but only if I get cotton candy fed to me in bed by knocked up Barbie.”
Lacey squealed in joy and wrapped her arms around me tightly. Milly fist pumped the air in victory and started chanting, “We are the champions…” She rambled off some more shit clearly making up her own version of the song.
I'd eat dog shit, for this girl if it meant keeping that hurtful look from ever visiting her eyes again.
Lacey
“When did knocked up Barbie start packing a pistol, or is that a lady boner I see staring back at me?” asked Tripp.
“Tripp, really? Grow up, douche bag,” I said with a chuckle.
“No, Barbie. You are looking at me like you want to eat me with a side of cheese and a dab of sauce. Oh yeah, you are after my mayo aren’t you?”
“I've had enough of your mayo, but did I mention I'm extra happy I ordered those white polyester pants one size too small?” I asked with an evil grin spread across my face.
“So it was a lady boner I spied. Get over here and let me take care of it for you, Barbie.”
My body glided into Ken’s arms, and our lips found each other’s. Just like every little girl imagined, with Barbie and Ken sparks flew and my boner grew for my hubs. Not only because of his tight ass pants showcasing his hard on and chiseled ass, but for his heart and undying love he showed for me on a daily basis. He hated his costume. He hated Halloween. And deep down it sucked for him to do family things from the trauma of his own childhood that haunted him daily. But he did it for me, which made my heart grow a couple of sizes for him. Always for him.
Little Annie came yelling for us to get a move on, so we very slowly pulled apart and now we both had boners. Tripp grabbed me and spun me around to hide his boner from little eyes. I knew he was performing his ritual of imagining the old bags from my salon naked and running wild in the streets. It always did the trick of shriveling up his junk quite nicely.
"Mom, Ken is wearing Barbie’s hot pink lipstick!" Annie squealed and then flashed a wink at us.
This was a sure sign the little shit was up to no good. Who knew a seven year old could be so good at holding adults hostage?
"You lil’ villainous traitor," Tripp deadpanned.
"Fight the war with me tonight, Unky, and I will take it back. "
“What war?” We asked in unison.
“The Snickers war! My dad steals them all and I'm done with his anarchy. It's a free country, ya’ knows,” Annie replied, with her little hand perched on her hip and her head tilted to the side.
“General, you just found yourself a soldier. Now take it back, or I will be forced to tickle you,” Tripp said as he sunk down to her level, on his knees.
Annie pranced for a few seconds in front of us, taunting Tripp. These two loved harassing the hell out of each other.
She finally yelled, “Just teasing ya ma.” Then focused her attention back on Tripp, “I’m wearing a tutu, so I can kick you in the face, Unky. You better not back out of your promise.”
"Whoa! Pistol Annie, I’m on your side. I thought you were Tinkerbell, not a ninja. One day little Tink, we rule the world with Snickers and homeruns," Trip said as he grabbed his girl anyway, and tickled the piss and vinegar out of her.
I had no doubt that one day, Annie would grow up to be a fine little hoochie who dreamed big and had no fear of failure. She was loved, and would always be loved, for who she was. Watching Tripp and Annie in front of me wrestling, reminded me of my Meatball, who would feel the same undying love as Annie from our effed up family.
The thought was so overwhelming, it made me tear up. Fuck! This emotional shit really needed to fucking stop. My badass rep was being diminished one fucking hormonal tear at a time. My little girl and I had a reputation to live up to, so this shit needed to come to an immediate halt. A loud squeal grabbed my attention. First my eyes darted to Mac, who was asleep in his swing behind the counter, and then my attention truly focused in on the noise. Annie had my beast of a husband pinned down on the floor in his white Ken costume. She was a smart
girl because she had her pointy finger and pinky outstretched on either side of Tripp's throat, advising him of his rights.
"Admit it, or you are getting the neck wrench," demanded Annie.
"Never!" Tripp quickly retorted.
"Admit you are weak sauce and nobody ain’t gonna get hurt," Annie demanded in her glittery lime green and lavender Tinker costume.
I'd always thought Tinker was creepy as fuck and never understood why a grown-ass woman would wear a shirt with such an obnoxious little flying bitch on it. But seeing Annie dressed up as Tinker made me fall in love. Milly had personally made the outfit, and if I had to guess, she probably spent over two hundred dollars ensuring that every last detail of the costume was perfect, right down to the little jewels that framed her waist and adorned her tights.
No one ever touched Annie's hair on special occasions but me. Milly provided the accessories and always made it clear she would cut me or twat tap me if I didn't use them. Milly was a little thing, but when she wanted, the bitch could bring the heat. My twat was in no way desiring a tap from her. Hell, with any luck, it would get a pounding tonight. I used the big lime green bow in Annie's hair. It held all of her tiny French braids in one bundle, on the top of her head.
Tripp suddenly grabbed Annie by the waist and tossed her up into the air, sending her sailing directly above his chest. The only vision I saw was Tripp ripping her tutu and shredding her tights, Milly castrating Tripp and then beating the shit out of me for just standing and watching him destroy her costume. Common sense to the rescue. Act motherly and authoritative, Lacey, you got this shit. Lay the law down. Show these home fries whose boss.
Right when my mouth was about to open, Annie's gum flew out of her mouth, making a sloppy wet smack on the bridge of Tripp's nose. At the same time, Annie's sandal landed right in the vicinity of Tripp's junk, obviously making direct contact based on the way he howled and hunched up like a dying cat. Then, there was the obvious sound of ripping. The rip that could be heard around the world.
We all froze with fear, and then like a magnet, our eyes fell on the torn piece of tutu. Annie's eyes instantly started to well up with tears. Tripp grabbed her lil’ chubby cheeks and forced her attention up to him.
"There is no crying in baseball. Do you hear me? And there is absolutely no crying in tutu ripping."
Annie snuffled back her tears and rubbed her runny nose along Tripp's shoulder, and that's when we heard the footsteps of Milly and Cree coming down the hall. Oh shit! I snatched the piece of tulle up from the floor and stuffed it down my very tight revealing hot pink hooker Barbie dress. Annie's tutu was so damn full that to the untrained eye you couldn't tell it was missing a piece, but we are talking about momma bear here folks.
Saved by the sexy pirate. Holy shit, Milly looked completely sated and a wee bit wobbly on her legs. I thought it was taking them a long ass time to suit up. Milly was dressed up as Wendy and Cree as Hook, so that left Mac as Peter Pan. Wendy looked like Hook just bent her over sideways and fucked her senseless.
Cree had a smear of chocolate on his face and a Snicker wrapper clung to the side of Milly's head. These two could star in the music video for Sex and Candy. Yo! Ho! Ho! Thank God for the pirate, because slut bags Milly's mind couldn't be further from tutu drama. Tripp picked up on the couple's situation and gave Annie a wink and a promising smile.
Cree scooped up Tinker from Tripp's belly and placed her next to the sleeping Peter Pan to take pictures. Even Olive was dressed up as Mr. Smee and placed in Annie's lap. Cree posed his kids perfectly as Milly snapped her camera. Cree also jumped in and posed in a couple shots.
I loved my camera and taking pictures. It had been my one and only friend for years. Hiding behind the camera and seeing the world from a safe place was a drug for me. It felt surreal to see life through a lens where no one could hurt you, and everything was at a safe distance. Then it suddenly dawned on me that I hadn't touched my camera since meeting Tripp. He was my lens. My harbor. My shield. Tripp snuck up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, resting on Meatball.
"Shit Lace, I thought my pants ripped. These fuckers are tight, and I’m pretty sure my balls are turning blue," Tripp said as he thrust himself into my ass.
"Easy stud! I don’t want any other woman seeing my Ken's naked ass since you are comando!"
Only for your eyes, skanky Barbie."
"I love you, Tripp. Thanks for being my lens to life."
“Lacey, come take a pic of all of us,” Milly demanded.
I took Milly’s camera from her, and she made her way to the counter in the sexiest Wendy outfit I have ever seen. She kissed the sleeping Mac and started to fluff Annie’s tutu.
“What the hell? Your tutu is missing a piece…” Milly proclaimed.
In unison, without missing a beat, Tripp and I blurted out, “No, it’s not.”
It is official, we are going to make fine parents. Watch out world.
After all the family photos were taken, Annie strutted her shit up and down the counter in her very own fashion show.
Twenty minutes later, with one mysterious piece of tulle pulled from my slutty dress by my very pissed thunder cunt BFF, we were all settled in position. Tripp, Cree and Greyson took Annie and Mac. Milly and I stayed behind to pass out candy at The Shop. Willow was missing in action. The girl had been scarce lately. Halloween at The Shop was always special for Milly and I. She met the love her life in The Shop, and finally talked to him on Halloween, in front of the building. I also told Milly all of my secrets that night. This year it was my Meatball, Milly and me.
Milly and I sat on her bench in front of The Shop. Each of us had a ginormous bowl of candy placed on our crotches.
“Jesus, Lacey. Captain and I had the hottest sex while getting dressed. Like, mind blowing, change-your-life forever. You know, sometimes I find myself tearing up or losing my breathe at the thought of never meeting Cree. Sometimes it gets so bad I spin into a full blown anxiety attack.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you would have ended up a crack whore and knocked up by Old Man Jenkins,” I giggled.
Milly elbowed me in the ribs and then laid her head down on my shoulder.
“I love you now and forever, Princess,” she taunted with complete sincerity.
“Hey Milly May, what do you call knocked up Barbie with candy up her dress?” I asked.
“What? A sticky tramp?” she guessed.
“Nope! Your best fucking hoochie, you dumb hooker,” I laughed as I pulled out two banana Laffy Taffys from my dress, that were nestled in my panties, melting to the perfect body temperature. I flashed Milly the two bright yellow packages and she squealed like a kid on Christmas morning.
“What do you say?” I taunted.
“Trick or Treat, Barbie.”
***
We finally all met up at the bonfire. Tripp knew better and had a buffet lined up on the blanket for me to dig right into. Cree started to empty Annie’s candy bucket to examine all of her candy for anything suspicious. Annie’s eyes became the size of saucers when she noticed her dad sorting all the fun size Snickers into one pile, you could literally see the steam rolling out of her ears. The little ninja was going to take a stand. Tripp was standing near the edge of the blanket, scarfing down a prime rib sandwich, when Annie stood up and went over and kicked him right in the shin.
“Soldier, you have lost sight of the battle. I mean really, thanks a lot for nothing, Unky,” Annie spit out as her tears finally came flowing down.
There wasn’t crying in baseball or tutu ripping, but there sure as hell was crying in Snicker stealing. Annie was exhausted and straight up pissed off at her dad, and now her Unky. By the time Tripp registered what was going on, Cree had a nice heaping pile of fun size Snickers he was going to eat for dinner. I swear the man lived on peanuts, chocolate and the gooey filling. Leave it to my prince charming to save the day.
Tripp cannon balled his ass onto the blanket, sending candy spraying everywhere. Cree’s band
ana and eye patch landed in my nachos.
“What the…,” Cree started to say.
Tripp bent down and whispered something in his ear, and then the fight was on. Annie lifted her head up from her lap when she heard the commotion from the two dill weeds. Her little face was puffy and red from crying. Annie had been quite the trooper in the transition of becoming a new sister, but she still had her meltdowns. Tripp had Cree in a headlock and was pretending to nail him in the stomach with his fist.
“Tink! Tink! This is your chance to save mankind, one Snicker at a time. I have this dirty pirate pinned. Go! Go! Go!” Tripp yelled.
Annie bolted from the ground and went to grabbing all the Snickers, leaving behind the suckers, tootsies and taffies. The rest of us cheered her on, and as soon as her little hands filled up, she started shoving them down her top. At that point Milly and I high fived each other and then added a fist bump. She made us proud, real proud.
“I got em’ all, Unky,” Annie screeched.
Her hair was frazzled and missing a bow, her make-up was smeared from streaks of tears and her tights were ripped from grabbing the candy. Our Tink was a complete hot mess, but one thing was shining bright, and that was her smile.
Tripp kept Cree pinned down to the ground with little effort, I might add. I couldn’t resist pointing that fact out to Milly.
“General TinkNinja, how are we going to keep this pirate at bay?” Tripp asked.
Annie just shrugged her shoulders and clutched her Snickers to her body.
“May I suggest the neck wrench, or the kick to the face, since you are wearing a tutu,” Tripp suggested.
Annie marched over to her dad and Tripp. Tripp scooted to the side, so Annie could plop down on his chest. Milly, Greyson and I started chanting “neck wrench, neck wrench”. Cree pretended to shake with fear, waiting for his punishment from the TinkNinja.