Finding Me

by Dawn Brazil

  “People that aren’t really there. Um, voices of people that aren’t really there…things like that.” I turned my back and winced at what she might say in response to my confession.

  “Listen, Chloe, I have represented clients who have had major atrocities occur in their lives. Some of these individuals developed…side effects, because of the level of stress they were experiencing at the time. Difficult and unexpected changes in life can be especially hard for teens. I can get you some help–”

  I spun around to face her. “No, Mother, it’s not like that at all.” Um, actually it sorta is. “I really did see someone. I heard them call my name and…” I knew she wasn’t listening and had made her mind up about what she would do to fix me. What was the use of continuing?

  “I’m calling a psychiatrist for you. I know the perfect person. Talk with her. I am certain she can be of some assistance. Chloe, you will forget this nonsense. You sound like my sister, Agnes. Do not tell anyone else what you just told me.” Yeah, like I’d ever repeat that. “Do you understand?”

  I nodded. But took slow, even breaths to compose myself. Heat rose to invade my face and I tried not to explode. She wouldn’t hear me out. What could you have been thinking, Carmichael – confiding in her of all people?

  “Mother, I think you’re right. It was all in my head. Can you forget I said it? I don’t know what I could’ve been thinking. It must be stress…I don’t think a psychiatrist is the answer. But thanks.” I gritted my teeth, waiting for her response.

  “Well, it still may be necessary for you to talk with someone. You have experienced something extremely traumatic. After all, Zack was going to ask you to marry him next year when you graduated. I think I underestimated the depth of your feelings for him.”

  “What? How do you know that?” My mouth dropped to the floor.

  “His mother and I discussed it. He had a ring already picked out.” Not for me. “She did not find the ring until after his death, but it could not have been for anyone else.” You’d be surprised. “He never even saw it. It was delivered to the house the day he died.” She exhaled a deep breath and stared off into nothing. “What a shame, such a waste.” Does she mean the ring or his life? “The ring was beautiful, too. A large oval sapphire at the center with a trail of small diamonds enclosed in a white gold band.” She sounds like a catalog. She looked up, no doubt scrutinizing every aspect of my being. “I need you well. I cannot have you walking around talking to imaginary people. People will assume your father and I are not performing our duties properly as parents, and it could mean doom for your father’s chance for re-election.”

  I tried to remain calm. Mrs. Maureen and my mother were the reason Zack and I had been together. Our relationship wouldn’t have lasted as long as it had without them urging and prodding us along.

  The ring he bought must have been for Casey. At least I hoped it had been. I would’ve definitely said no. The way they kissed seemed like they were in love. I never kissed him like that. I’d never kissed anyone like that. With such passion. That ring was most definitely for her.

  “I’ll call and see if you can meet her this Saturday,” Mother said before she left the room. Why couldn’t she ever listen to me? Why was everything always about her and dad? I plopped down on the bed. She left without closing the door, too. As usual. She ordered Matt and me around like we were soldiers instead of her kids. Telling us to get in line, to follow her rules because she knew best.

  Who made her god of our lives?

  I glanced with indignation at the door she’d left open. This was another example of her dominance in my life. Normal, courteous things, such as closing a door behind her, were too big a task for her. I peered at the door with burgeoning anger overpowering my normally quiet temperament.

  I didn’t want to get up and close it – that would’ve been the polite thing for her to do when she left. My pity session wasn’t complete if I didn’t wonder why everything she did bothered me. That was what she called it when I tried to express my feelings – “a pity session.”

  A small creak echoed through the room. Startled, I jumped and followed the sound with my eyes to my bedroom door. It inched closed all by itself. I sat unmoving at the end of my bed, mouth agape as my view of the hallway narrowed and the door shut completely.

  I was unable to comprehend what just happened. The only conclusion I could draw was I somehow did it. I made my bedroom door close without touching it. But how could I do that? Was it even possible? The logical part of my brain kicked in and voiced its skepticism. Or more blatantly told me I was crazy. I’d seen people on TV move things with their minds or with the flick of a wrist. I’d assumed it was a hoax, but maybe I needed to rethink my assumption. I raised my hand and extended my index finger until it pointed at the door.

  “What am I doing?” I grimaced at my outstretched hand. Nonetheless, I waved my finger once in the direction of the door. I allowed it to linger in the air. A tingle of excitement ran through me at the thought of what I was doing. It was too silly an idea. I dropped my hand onto my lap.

  I laughed a loud nervous giggle. I’m really losing it – the wind probably blew it shut. I glanced over at my window. It was closed. Shit!

  Despite my belief on the subject, the door squealed on its hinges. And opened again so I could see into the hallway.

  Fear squashed excitement. I jumped from the bed and flung the door open. Matt’s room was two doors down. I raced down the hall, banged twice, and then entered.

  He and Amber were on the bed, partially clothed. Laughing at this moment wouldn’t help my cause, so I bit my lower lip. They scrambled to put themselves back together. Mother, on one of her discovery missions, would have burst through the door just as I had. I allowed myself a tiny smirk thinking about what kind of a scene that would cause.

  “What the fuck do you want, Chloe?” Matt said through gritted teeth.

  “I’m sorry. Can I chill in here with the two of you for a while? I won’t make any noise. I promise. I’m just kinda freaked out right now.”

  Matt’s eyes bulged and he waved his clenched fist at me, shouting “No! You absolutely–”

  “Of course you can,” said Amber, interrupting him. I could never understand why Amber was with my brother. She was so different from him. She cared about people, she was kind, all the things Matt was not.

  Matt squinted his gray eyes, angry with me. I laughed internally. Amber whispered something in his ear, but I couldn’t make out what she said. He released a loud throaty laugh, jumped off the bed, grabbed the remote, and tossed it to me. I sank down on the large gray and black chair beside his bed. After I dragged it closer to the TV to give them a little privacy.

  “Do you want to watch TV? Or do you want to play an Xbox game?” he asked.

  I squinted up at him. Sometimes, I disliked his cheerful mood more than the sour one. I stared at him for a moment in amazement before I answered. “I’ll…just…watch TV. Thanks.”

  I stayed in his room as late as I could. I didn’t want to go back to mine. I was terrified of something else happening. Something I had no control over. Maybe the girl with the red tee would show up and scare the flesh off my body.

  I wondered if she was Chris’s girlfriend. Him possibly having a girlfriend made me more depressed and confused. How could I be so attracted to him? I barely know him. Actually I don’t know him at all.

  How I felt for Chris left me ashamed, as if I were betraying Zack. That was hilarious. If he’d been alive, we wouldn’t be a couple anyway. Not after I caught him with Casey. He’d given me my way out of the relationship. The fact that he was dead did not change the truth. When he died, he was no longer my pretend boyfriend.

  Therefore, I reasoned, I could date anyone I wanted. Chris seemed like the perfect guy to fill the spot. That’s if he didn’t have a girlfriend. And that would be a miracle because he was so freaking hot. And of course, if Mother and Father approved, which would be the greatest miracle of all.

&
nbsp; If I were brave and didn’t care what anyone thought, I would tell Chris how I felt. But I couldn’t do something just for my own benefit. I had to think of how my actions affected others. I was nothing if not responsible. Chris elicited a giddy childish reaction from me; it wasn’t like me. It was happiness, I guess. Happiness was overrated, though. My parents dictated what happiness was for me. At least they would until I moved out on my own. So confessing my feelings wasn’t an option. Not for a while at least.

  My eyelids grew heavy and sleep overtook me – without incident this time.

  Rough hands shook me awake. I wiped my eyes and tried to focus on who was talking and what they were saying.

  “Chloe, get up! Go to your own room, weirdo.” It was Matt. He hovered over me with malice in his eyes and his fist balled up at his side.

  “Oh, okay. Thanks for letting me stay.” I stumbled to the door, still half asleep.

  “Yeah, whatever.” He backed away from me as if I smelled as I made my way to the door.

  I gave him a huge grin and walked out of the room. He immediately slammed the door once I’d crossed the threshold into the hall. When I walked pass the hallway window, I noticed the sun peeking over the horizon.

  “It’s morning.” I didn’t have to stay in my room all night alone. I was elated. Matt had still had his curtains drawn. It was always night in there.

  “Thanks, Matt,” I whispered. “I owe you one.”

  ~ ~ ~

  I arrived at school early to beat the crowd, if I could. I was determined not to have a nervous breakdown today. Maybe Zack’s death had affected me more than I cared to believe. I had no explanation for seeing him dead before it happened. But I’d convinced myself that there must be a reasonable explanation for it. I just didn’t know what it was yet.

  I contemplated Chris. Should I talk to him? Not about my silly crush but about the girl with the red tee. Or maybe we could discuss his conversation with her? Could he somehow be connected to my unhinged behavior?

  I rummaged through my locker for my second period book when I heard Chris’s distinct voice next to me. I took a deep breath and slammed my locker shut. He leaned on his locker and starred directly at me with those intense eyes.

  “Good morning, princess. Why are you here so early?” How in the world could he be so handsome? I bit my bottom lip to rein in my thoughts.

  “What if I said I wanted to talk with you?” I tried to suppress a smile and sound serious because I had serious questions. He was the only person who could answer them. If I could just stop looking at those lips…

  “I’d say we’re overdue a conversation.” He smiled down at me with his alluring eyes.

  My heart detached itself from my chest cavity and plummeted to the ground. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and attempted to ask the question that had been on my mind all night. “Did you go to the memorial service for Zackary Taylor yesterday?” I started slow. Always the chicken.

  He looked at me with a sultry smirk, burning a hole into my soul. How can he do this to me with just a look? “Yes, beautiful. I was there. But that wasn’t the question you wanted to ask, was it?” He spoke and moved with a finesse no other high school guy I’d ever known possessed.

  Regardless, the smile was gone from my lips. My jaw tightened and my lips pursed into a disapproving pucker. How does he know that wasn’t the question? When I considered everything that had happened, it began the day he arrived. I pondered this as I stared into his gorgeous face and tried to formulate questions from my jumbled thoughts. But where to start? I had so many.

  Chapter 9

  “Okay, come on with it,” Chris said. A grin stretched across his face and amusement showed in his eyes. What was so funny? Is he laughing at me?

  “Who…no, what are you – ?”

  “Chloe!” someone shrieked from the opposite end of the hall. Startled, I spun around in the direction of the shrill voice. Ms. Graves made her way to us with uncharacteristic urgency.

  “Chloe, I need to speak with you please, dear.” She appeared disheveled as she marched up to us. Her brows drawn together, her eyes darted from me to Chris, then back to me. She was out of breath as well. What is up with her? I hadn’t been in to see her since I’d. Maybe she just wanted to talk like we usually did?

  “Is there a problem?” I asked.

  “No. No problem,” she stammered. “I just wanted to catch you before you made it to class.” She looked intently at me and it reminded me of the day I needed her to rescue me from class after my incident with Zack. “I have to talk to you as soon as possible, please.” She fixed her gaze on Chris and I thought I saw disapproval in her eyes. I glanced between the two of them, trying to determine what was happening. Did she know him? What did she know about him?

  “I’ll see you later, princess.” He hesitated for a moment, looked from me to Ms. Graves, then turned and stomped off. I watched until he disappeared down the hall. Why did he leave so fast? I hadn’t even gotten the information I needed from him. He must’ve known something – he had to.

  “Chloe I do need to speak with you,” Ms. Graves reiterated. She paced in front of me and continuously wrung her hands. I watched her for a second before responding.

  “Oh. I’m sorry, Ms. Graves. What did you want to talk to me about?” And why are you acting loony?

  “I wanted to express my sorrow over what happened to Zackary.” My mouth fell open. I quickly closed it. This couldn’t be what was so important that she interrupted my conversation with Chris. “It was so unfortunate. I do realize that we might ponder what we could have done to change what occurred.” Why would she believe that I’d think I could have changed it? Did she somehow know about the vision? Could I have prevented his death? “Remember, however, you cannot blame yourself. If you need someone to talk to, you know that I am here for you, always.” Her eyes were sincere. I could tell she meant what she said. But as kind as it was, it was odd.

  I didn’t respond. A peculiar sensation crept over me, leaving a tingle in my fingers. My breathing slowed and I released a soft sigh. Her voice had such a calming effect. Her words were soothing, like hot chocolate on a cold New York day. However, not even that could contend with the many questions her weird behavior raised.

  “Chloe, I must tell you something. Something you may not be aware of.” She paused. She opened her mouth and then shut it. Finally she said, “You’re special. Even if you do not realize that fact yet.” Really? An inspirational speech right now? “You are truly remarkable and some would try to convince you to join them. These people would have you risk your life and your talents to fight their cause.” What talents? “However, you must be exceptionally careful with whom you share any information about the…differences you possess.” Oookayyy. She paused again. “I know I’m not making much sense, but unfortunately I’m not at liberty to speak further on these matters.” Yeah. I should have known. “I can only warn you that in time…the very near future, in fact, they will come looking for you.”

  My eyes scanned the hallway for anyone who could be listening. I took a cautious step in her direction. “Who are they?” I asked, barely audible.

  “I cannot tell you that either, dear. I’m sorry.” Sure you are. “Please trust me and be extremely selective with whom you divulge any information about yourself.” She leaned forward and squeezed my hand, hesitating as if she were going to say more but reconsidered. She spun around and lumbered off down the hall toward her office without even a backward glance in my direction.

  I watched until she disappeared around a corner and then leaned on my locker for support. What was going on here? What I had called a nervous breakdown before paled in comparison to what I was feeling now about Ms. Graves’s carefully phrased speech. Or maybe Ms. Graves needed a psychiatrist. I wasn’t certain of much, but I knew one thing for sure: something wasn’t right. I swallowed back a lump the size of a small child in my throat. I didn’t know how to find out what was going on.

  Chris didn’t r
eturn to his locker as I’d hoped. I headed home even more confused than when I’d arrived. I passed Ms. Graves’s office on my way out and debated going in and talking to her. But she was with a student. I lingered outside her door, waiting for the right opportunity. Once I’d kicked the idea around some, I changed my mind. I didn’t want her vague responses to my questions. I needed real answers. I stomped off to meet Matt, who’d be upset because he had to wait for me. I sighed loudly. My day was hell.

  “CC,” Emily called from behind as I exited the front door of the school.

  I stood on the last step and waited for her. I was sure she didn’t have anything important to discuss, but I waited anyway. I even thought about suggesting a sleepover with her and Melissa. That way I wouldn’t be alone in my room for any real amount of time. I grimaced internally. I used to want them to stay over because I enjoyed their company. Not anymore.

  Finally, she caught up with me. She opened her mouth, and if I didn’t know how much she sucked at Spanish I’d have sworn she was speaking the language. All I could make out was “Zack”.

  “Slow down, Em. I can’t understand anything you’re saying.”

  She took a deep breath and started over, “I found out Casey and Zack were secretly…together.” She nodded her head and arched her eyebrows. “She’s been pretending all this time that she’s our friend. Look at what she was doing behind our backs. Can you believe she had the nerve to show up to your b-day party last year. She’s so manufaketured. There’s no tellin’ how long it was goin’ on. You, me, and Tee should give her a proper beat down. What do you say?”

  Uh, oh. I should’ve told her about this. “I knew.”

  She sucked in a long breath. I allowed my gaze to fall haplessly to the ground. I knew she’d be pissed. I had to explain so she’d understand. “Zack and I weren’t working out long before Casey came along. We only dated because of my mother and his. It wasn’t what we wanted. He and Casey made a much better couple in my opinion. And technically, she didn’t do anything wrong to us, she did something wrong to me. You can still be friends with her, Em. This has nothing at all to do with your relationship with her.” At least it shouldn’t.