Finding Me

by Dawn Brazil

  His mouth fell open. He quickly closed it. “That’s a bit harsh.” Neither of us said anything for a minute. Then he looked up with a pained expression, as if I’d just pinched him. “You’re breaking up with me?” he whispered.

  “Technically, we weren’t…”

  “We were. Unless you’re in the habit of kissing any guy who asks.” I snorted. I guess he has me there. “Why don’t you sleep on this. I’m sure you’ll feel differently tomorrow. You’re trying to process all this tonight and it’s clouding your judgment.” He ran his tongue across his lips. His eyes pleaded. Begged. Don’t do this.

  “Chris.” I shook my head. Don’t be a coward. Do what you have to do. “I can’t–”

  “Baby. Please. Don’t do this.” He grabbed my face between his hands and peered at me with those all-consuming eyes. I shattered. Stumbled, stepped on my own heart and squashed it.

  “Chris. Shit. Stop touching me.” I yanked away from him, jumped from the bed, and crossed the room. “I can’t do this. You’re not mine.”

  In a matter of seconds, he was by my side. He grasped my hands and pulled me close. His eyes danced from shock to horror to sadness. I stepped back. He released my hands.

  “Please, Chris. Respect my decision.”

  He ran a shaking hand through his hair. I swallowed back the desire to touch him. To ease the pain in his eyes. He squared his jaw and took a deep breath. “If you feel you’ve got to do this... But I don’t agree.” Then he vanished.

  I released an unsteady breath. A breath that I’d been holding for a while. I settled back in the bed and hauled the blanket up to my chin. Before I could contemplate my actions, he rematerialized.

  He propped himself up beside me. “I’ll respect your decision,” he said. He took a deep breath and stared into my eyes. I looked away before his pain cut me in two. “I know you’ll regain your memory. Everything’ll be fine. I love you. That will never change. My love is strong enough for both of us for now.” I dared a glance into his eyes. He ran his tongue once across his soft pink lips. My heart ached, not understanding the actions of my brain. “Good-night.” He looked me directly in the eyes, then bent his head toward me. Just when his lips were nearly to mine, he turned and whispered in my ear, “Sleep well.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered back as my heart beat sporadically at my chest. Then he vanished again. I lay in bed, hoping he would come back and kiss me good night. But he didn’t. The voices in my head and abilities were driving me crazy, but compared to my feelings for Chris, everything else was preschool.

  Finally, exhausted, I fell into a fitful sleep.

  When my alarm announced five-thirty, I thought I’d cry. I knew I wouldn’t make it all day at school. So I’d tell mother I had an upset stomach so I could stay home. I dragged myself out of bed and sloshed my way to her bedroom. As I walked by her office, I overheard her talking. She was explaining that she would be working on an important brief at home today.

  I turned and went back to my room. As tired as I was, I would rather deal with my annoying classmates and Chris sulking than to spend any amount of time with her. I hadn’t decided when, or even if, I would let her know that I knew about the adoption.

  Once I’d finished dressing, I made my way down the stairs quietly, not wanting to run into Mother.

  Margaret, our cook, stacked huge pancakes on a platter at the breakfast table when I entered the kitchen. Margaret made the best, lightest, fluffiest pancakes ever. I could eat four or five of them in one sitting. But today, I couldn’t even finish one.

  “What’s up with you, Bops?” Matt asked, with pancakes falling from his open mouth. “You usually eat like you’re storing up for winter.”

  “I have a test I’m nervous about. Not that it’s any of your business, monkey boy.” Gosh, hadn’t I used that excuse already? I needed to vary my lies more.

  “Again, worried about a test. What’s wrong? You’re hanging with Emily too much.” He laughed and a piece of pancake fell from his mouth to the table. Barbaric. “I think maybe she’s getting to you.”

  “I didn’t think jocks had brains at all, so we both learned something. Sad thing is, that’s all you’ll learn today.” I rolled my eyes and hoped he’d stop talking because my head throbbed like someone had wacked it with a bat.

  Mother’s voice sounded from the stairs. And I knew I wasn’t ready to face her. I would avoid her like white shoes after Labor Day for as long as I could. I jumped up from the table, knocking the syrup container over. The sweet syrup oozed out lazily. Margaret smiled, a knowing, kind smirk. Then she waved her hands to send me on my way. She understood. I snatched my bag off the chair beside me and crept out the back door.

  ~ ~ ~

  Once at school, I immediately went to my first period class. I had no reason to stop at my locker. Chris would be upset with me anyway. Had I done the right thing breaking up with him? Yes! He didn’t love me – he loved Amanda. If I never exhibited any other traits of hers, he’d bore of trying to make me into her. What’s wrong with me? With Chloe. She’s a cool chick, too. Maybe I couldn’t kick butt like Amanda, but I could do other things. Why hadn’t Chris tried to get to know me as Chloe?

  I barely concentrated on what Mrs. Springer was teaching, so consumed with all that had happened. Between the situation with Chris, my un-parents, and my party in less than two weeks, I couldn’t think of anything else. Stumbling over questions I should have answered correctly, Mrs. Springer asked to see me at her desk after the bell rang.

  “Chloe, you seemed incredibly preoccupied today. Is everything okay?” When did she become so perceptive? She hasn’t worked here long enough to know how I should act. Though it disturbed me, I couldn’t trust anyone.

  “I’ve been consumed with some…umm…issues. I promise I won’t allow them to interfere with school again.” I eyed her for an adverse reaction to what I’d said. I held my breath.

  “I understand life complications. I wanted to make sure everything was okay. If you ever need to talk, you can come to me, dear.” She smiled reassuringly. How nice. I wondered what the motivation was behind that invitation. Is she digging for information? I forced a smile. I’d have to keep my eyes open more around her.

  “Thank you, Mrs. Springer, I appreciate that.” Regardless of the weird encounter with her, I needed to get a grasp on my emotions. Tune down my freak-o-meter a bit. I took a deep breath before I started for the door. I needed to change my attitude about all this. How in the world am I going to do that?

  As I strolled out the door, Emily grabbed me by the arm and half dragged me to her locker. “Hey, what’s up? Tee and I have been twisted about you. Are you okay?”

  “What do you mean? I’m fine. You saw me yesterday in school. Why would something be wrong?” I frowned at her as she pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes at me.

  “That’s it. We only see you in school now and we miss you. Are you that depressed about Zack or is this something else?” She gave me her usual scolding eyes.

  “I’m fine, but you’re right. We haven’t hung in a while. Why don’t we hang out this weekend at my house?” I said, excited about the prospect of doing something normal.

  “Awesome,” Emily said, “I’ll let Tee know in our next period class. It’ll be totally ultra. We can even go shopping for your party right after school today.” “Ultra” was a new word. I shook my head and wondered how she came up with this stuff.

  “Okay, that sounds great.” I walked off so I could get to my locker, then make it to my next class on time. As I lugged my textbook from the locker, Chris walked up and caressed the side of my cheek. It sent a shiver of delight down that side of my body. Play it cool, Chloe. How could I play it cool when he could make a glacier melt in two seconds with one look.

  “Hello. How do you feel today?” he asked, his sexy eyes taking a sweep of my body from head to toe. That look could make a statue spontaneously combust. And he had his usual heartbreaker smile plastered on his face.

&nbs
p; He wore dark blue ripped jeans and a white Abercrombie tee that was fitted and showed his well-cut physique. I struggled to keep my thoughts clean and not give away how much I wanted to touch him. I bit the corner of my mouth and sighed softly.

  “I’m fine. I’m surprised we’re talking…after our conversation last…um, this morning.”

  He shook his head. Then he smiled with his mouth but not with his eyes. “I’m not that kind of guy. Never will be.” I choked back my response. There was nothing to say to that. Could he be any more freakin’ perfect? “I need you to make yourself available tonight for Raja. She’s coming to work with you on your power of persuasion.”

  “Can’t. I invited Melissa and Emily over tonight.”

  “Perfect. You can practice on them.”

  “No. That’s not going to happen. The ‘them’ you’re referring to are my two best friends, not guinea pigs. I can’t perform experiments on them.” I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms in front of my chest.

  “It’s not like I’m asking you to cut them up like frogs. Just persuade them to do what you want. All you have to do is say Raja is a friend of yours that you met at your mother’s job. A co-worker’s daughter. The two of you became instant BFFs and she had to come over to your sleepover – or whatever – to meet your other BFFs.”

  I giggled at how he waved his hands excitedly as he said “BFF”. “Guess you’ve got it all figured out. But if anything goes wrong, you may have to have Phillip come in and wipe their memories. I don’t think my skills are good enough to work on two people at the same time.” I wasn’t convinced it would work at all but didn’t want to argue about it.

  “Trust me. For once, please. I won’t let anything happen. I’ll be close by and will help you myself if you get in a bind.”

  “If you say so. See you later.” I tried to make my face stone but it was more like Play-Doh. And Chris could mold my emotions into whatever he wanted. How pathetic. I missed him so much already. I walked off quickly.

  The day dragged by, hour after endless hour. I could’ve fallen asleep standing up. After my fourth period class, I went back to my locker to get my textbook for Calculus. Chris and Casey were talking when I walked up.

  If I hadn’t been so tired, I would have been seething with jealously. How I would make it through the rest of the day was my primary focus. I stole a glance at Chris while he talked to Casey rather animatedly. How could he not be tired at all? I could take off my hoodie and fall asleep on the floor on top of it.

  “I’ll talk to you later, Cas,” Chris said, as soon as I slammed my locker shut.

  “You have no trouble attracting the ladies.” I clenched my mouth shut. I didn’t need any more unexpected words floating out. It happened sometimes to my chagrin.

  “You’re just cranky because you’re sleepy. Here. Take this. It’ll wake you up. I know it’s green and disgusting looking but it works.” He handed me a small vial filled with green slimy liquid.

  “What is that? I’m not drinking that!” I pushed the green mess back at him. Is he trying to kill me now?

  “Just take it. We’ve used this all-natural herb recipe for centuries when we stay up all night. Trust me, please!”

  Reluctantly I put my hand out to take the vial of disgusting goop. I opened the top and sniffed it to see if I might recognize any of the ingredients. I didn’t – not one. But it smelled worse than it looked.

  “Chloe, drink it.” He walked over and took the vial from my hand. My lips parted. Shit. “Hold your nose,” he ordered me. As soon as I pinched my fingers to my nose, he ran his index finger across my chin. He traced his finger down my neck then back to my chin – never taking his eyes from mine. Shit, shit, shit…stop panting, Carmichael. He smiled. A brilliant smile that lit his entire face. Every time he touched me, or looked at me, or smiled at me, a part of my soul left my body and seeped into his. Why had I broken up with him again? Slowly, he elevated my head until I was looking at the ceiling.

  The sensation of his hand as he stroked my throat made my knees buckle. Please don’t let me pass out. He poured the goop in my mouth and it slid down. Then he traced the liquid with his finger down my throat. I released my nose as it made its slow descent. Odd, I thought there might be a lingering taste but there wasn’t. I straightened my head. He watched me closely. Our eyes locked – and burned into one another. I held my breath.

  “You might want to start breathing now. The oxygen will be an enabler.” He smiled his perfect angelic smile at me. I bit my bottom lip to stifle the sob that lay there.

  “Oh. Thank you,” I whispered, embarrassed. I turned, ready to bolt out of our uncomfortable situation.

  “Wait. How do you feel?”

  I pivoted one step further. He’s doing this on purpose. I spun around but kept my distance. He reached his long arm out and tugged me by the waist until I was standing directly in front of him. Only inches to spare between us. I could feel the warmth from his body spreading over me. He put his hand under my chin and lifted my head to meet his eyes. “Are you okay? Not sleepy anymore, are you?”

  I was energized. Light. Like I’d just awakened from a long nap. “Actually, I’m not.” I was surprised at how quickly it worked. “Thanks,” I whispered, fully awake for the first time today. The only problem with being fully awake: I could think about how much I missed him even more.

  I turned and stormed off to my next class. How could he be so happy when I was ready to jump off the roof of the school?

  The rest of the day went by quickly. I took a test in my AP Calculus class. I aced it. Math and science were my favorite subjects, to my mother’s chagrin. I planned a career as a microbial epidemiologist and she, of course, wanted me to be a lawyer. I’d refused to discuss my career choices with her after I turned sixteen and she was livid.

  Dad, on the other hand, while also not thrilled about my career choice, wasn’t adamant that it would be a disaster. When I told Mother I might join the Peace Corps medical division for a year or two after college, she was irate. I didn’t intend to do it, of course. Her meltdown over the situation was priceless, though. She had stormed off angrily, with no way to manipulate the situation in her favor. Her reaction alone warranted a second thought about going.

  ~ ~ ~

  When I arrived to drop my things off at my locker after my seventh period class, Chris and Casey were talking. Again. What could they possibly have to talk about so much in one day? I looked up to see if Chris had heard that. They were still engrossed in their conversation. It appeared he hadn’t.

  Sam was right. I’m an effective blocker. I didn’t believe he’d heard one thought I’d had today. This was good because I had to remind myself that this was my decision.

  The downside to that, however, was that I hadn’t heard anything he’d thought either, and I desperately wanted to know why he and Casey were talking so much.

  Chapter 21

  I tried for casual when I walked over to my locker. “Hi, guys,” I said, smiling at both Chris and Casey. She rolled her eyes and he smiled back with a sideways grin.

  “What’s up?” Chris said. Casey crossed her arms and exhaled deeply. She eyed me resentfully, then spun to face Chris. She sucked in a breath as she turned. Snarly….if she only knew how badly my palm wanted to connect with her face.

  “So, Chris, I will see you around seven o’clock. Right?” she said. She plucked invisible lint from his shirt while she talked. Then she ran her long pink nails across the front of his tee. I wonder if I could make her smack herself?

  “Sure thing,” Chris said. He removed her clingy fingers from his tee and smiled down at her.

  She turned to leave, hitting me with her enormous Louis Vuitton bag. She squinted at me like it was my fault. I watched her clink-clank her way down the hall in her Kenneth Cole ankle boots and Max Aziria skinny jeans. I had considered her one of my best friends once. What could I have been thinking? She strutted off down the hall and pushed a freshman in the back because she accidentally
stepped on her foot. Does her audacity know no bounds?

  I turned to find Chris leaning against his locker. A seductive smirk plastered on his face was directed toward me. I inhaled a lung full of air, then released it. It didn’t help. My breath hitched even more at his smoldering gaze.

  I slumped, defeated, against the locker beside him. “How could you go out with someone like Casey?” I questioned. My breathing had increased and I did everything I could to slow it.

  “What do you mean, ‘like her’?” His eyes shone brightly and his mouth turned up at one corner. He knew what I meant.

  “Well, let’s see, she’s shallow, self-centered, and–”

  “Do you have a problem with it? I can cancel.”

  “It’s just that she’s so shallow and–”

  “All the girls at this school are. Except one, but she won’t have me. It might be interesting to see what happens.” It’d be interesting to see what happens when I smack you in the back of the head, too. “She’s asked a few times. I thought what the heck. She’s a looker.” He glanced down the hall where she was talking to Jennifer Riley, then he turned back and arched his brows at me.

  “You’re right. She’s gorgeous. You two make a great couple. I hope you have a good time.” I felt mechanical saying it, but it was all I could think to say to stop myself from falling to the floor in tears.

  “I’m kidding, Chloe. It’s not even a date. I’m not trying to get into a relationship right now. I’m saving myself for someone special.” His sideways grin let me know he found our situation amusing.

  “Right.” I slammed my locker shut and leaned against it to wait for Melissa and Emily to come so we could leave. I didn’t look at him but my stupid lip poked out and tears swelled at the base of my eyes anyway. Please don’t cry. Don’t cry.