‘And do you mean to tell me Larry has a girl?’ the other asked with a shocked air.
‘Oh, yes,’ said the first. ‘Una Dwyer is Larry’s girl. He goes with Una, don’t you, Larry?’
I replied politely that I did, but in fact I was seriously alarmed. I had not realized that Una would be considered my girl. It had never happened to me before, and I had not understood that my waiting for her would be regarded in such a grave light. Now, I think the girls were probably right anyhow, for that is always the way it has happened to me. A woman has only to shut up and let me talk long enough for me to fall head and ears in love with her. But then I did not recognize the symptoms. All I knew was that going with somebody meant you intended to marry them. I had always planned on marrying Mother; now it seemed as if I was expected to marry someone else, and I wasn’t sure if I should like it or if, like football, it would prove to be one of those games that two people could not play without pushing.
A couple of weeks later I went to a party at Una’s house. By this time it was almost as much mine as theirs. All the girls liked me and Mrs Dwyer talked to me by the hour. I saw nothing peculiar about this except a proper appreciation of geniuses. Una had warned me that I should be expected to sing, so I was ready for the occasion. I sang the Gregorian Credo, and some of the little girls laughed, but Mrs Dwyer only looked at me fondly.
‘I suppose you’ll be a priest when you grow up, Larry?’ she asked.
‘No, Mrs Dwyer,’ I replied firmly. ‘As a matter of fact, I intend to be a composer. Priests can’t marry, you see, and I want to get married.’
That seemed to surprise her quite a bit. I was quite prepared to continue discussing my plans for the future, but all the children talked together. I was used to planning discussions so that they went on for a long time, but I found that whenever I began one in the Dwyers’, it was immediately interrupted so that I found it hard to concentrate. Besides, all the children shouted, and Mrs Dwyer, for all her gentleness, shouted with them and at them. At first, I was somewhat alarmed, but I soon saw that they meant no particular harm, and when the party ended I was jumping up and down on the sofa, shrieking louder than anyone while Una, in hysterics of giggling, encouraged me. She seemed to think I was the funniest thing ever.
It was a moonlit November night, and lights were burning in the little cottages along the road when Una brought me home. On the road outside she stopped uncertainly and said, ‘This is where little John Joe was killed.’
There was nothing remarkable about the spot, and I saw no chance of acquiring any useful information.
‘Was it a Ford or a Morris?’ I asked, more out of politeness than anything else.
‘I don’t know,’ she replied with smouldering anger. ‘It was Donegan’s old car. They can never look where they’re going, the old shows!’
‘Our Lord probably wanted him,’ I said perfunctorily.
‘I dare say He did,’ Una replied, though she showed no particular conviction. ‘That old fool, Donegan – I could kill him whenever I think of it.’
‘You should get your mother to make you another,’ I suggested helpfully.
‘Make me a what?’ Una exclaimed in consternation.
‘Make you another brother,’ I repeated earnestly. ‘It’s quite easy, really. She has an engine in her tummy, and all your daddy has to do is to start it with his starting-handle.’
‘Cripes!’ Una said, and clapped her hand over her mouth in an explosion of giggles. ‘Imagine me telling her that!’
‘But it’s true, Una,’ I said obstinately. ‘It only takes nine months. She could make you another little brother by next summer.’
‘Oh, Jay!’ exclaimed Una in another fit of giggles. ‘Who told you all that?’
‘Mummy did. Didn’t your mother tell you?’
‘Oh, she says you buy them from Nurse Daly,’ said Una, and began to giggle again.
‘I wouldn’t really believe that,’ I said with as much dignity as I could muster.
But the truth was I felt I had made a fool of myself again. I realized now that I had never been convinced by Mother’s explanation. It was too simple. If there was anything that woman could get wrong she did so without fail. And it upset me, because for the first time I found myself wanting to make a really good impression. The Dwyers had managed to convince me that whatever else I wanted to be I did not want to be a priest. I didn’t even want to be an explorer, a career which would take me away for long periods from my wife and family. I was prepared to be a composer and nothing but a composer.
That night in bed I sounded Mother on the subject of marriage. I tried to be tactful because it had always been agreed between us that I should marry her and I did not wish her to see that my feelings had changed.
‘Mummy,’ I asked, ‘if a gentleman asks a lady to marry him, what does he say?’
‘Oh,’ she replied shortly, ‘some of them say a lot. They say more than they mean.’
She was so irritable that I guessed she had divined my secret and I felt really sorry for her.
‘If a gentleman said, “Excuse me, will you marry me?” would that be all right?’ I persisted.
‘Ah, well, he’d have to tell her first that he was fond of her,’ said Mother who, no matter what she felt, could never bring herself to deceive me on any major issue.
But about the other matter I saw that it was hopeless to ask her any more. For days I made the most pertinacious inquiries at school and received some startling information. One boy had actually come floating down on a snowflake, wearing a bright blue dress, but to his chagrin and mine, the dress had been given away to a poor child in the North Main Street. I grieved long and deeply over this wanton destruction of evidence. The balance of opinion favoured Mrs Dwyer’s solution, but of the theory of engines and starting-handles no one in the school had ever heard. That theory might have been all right when Mother was a girl but it was now definitely out of fashion.
And because of it I had been exposed to ridicule before the family whose good opinion I valued most. It was hard enough to keep up my dignity with a girl who was doing algebra while I hadn’t got beyond long division without falling into childish errors that made her laugh. That is another thing I still cannot stand, being made fun of by women. Once they begin on it they never stop. Once when we were going up Gardiner’s Hill together after school she stopped to look at a baby in a pram. The baby grinned at her and she gave him her finger to suck. He waved his fists and sucked like mad, and she went off into giggles again.
‘I suppose that was another engine?’ she said.
Four times at least she mentioned my silliness, twice in front of other girls and each time, though I pretended to ignore it, I was pierced to the heart. It made me determined not to be exposed again. Once Mother asked Una and her younger sister, Joan, to tea, and all the time I was in an agony of self-consciousness, dreading what she would say next. I felt that a woman who had said such things about babies was capable of anything. Then the talk turned on the death of little John Joe, and it all flowed back into my mind on a wave of mortification. I made two efforts to change the conversation, but Mother returned to it. She was full of pity for the Dwyers, full of sympathy for the little boy and had almost reduced herself to tears. Finally I got up and ordered Una and Joan to play with me. Then Mother got angry.
‘For goodness’ sake, Larry, let the children finish their tea!’ she snapped.
‘It’s all right, Mrs Delaney,’ Una said good-naturedly. ‘I’ll go with him.’
‘Nonsense, Una!’ Mother said sharply. ‘Finish your tea and go on with what you were saying. It’s a wonder to me your poor mother didn’t go out of her mind. How can they let people like that drive cars?’
At this I set up a loud wail. At any moment now I felt she was going to get on to babies and advise Una about what her mother ought to do.
‘Will you behave yourself, Larry!’ Mother said in a quivering voice. ‘Oh what’s come over you in the past few weeks? Yo
u used to have such nice manners, and now look at you! A little corner boy! I’m ashamed of you!’
How could she know what had come over me? How could she realize that I was imagining the family circle in the Dwyers’ house and Una, between fits of laughter, describing my old-fashioned mother who still talked about babies coming out of people’s stomachs? It must have been real love, for I have never known true love in which I wasn’t ashamed of Mother.
And she knew it and was hurt. I still enjoyed going home with Una in the afternoons and while she ate her dinner, I sat at the piano and pretended to play my own compositions, but whenever she called at our house for me I grabbed her by the hand and tried to drag her away so that she and Mother shouldn’t start talking.
‘Ah, I’m disgusted with you,’ Mother said one day. ‘One would think you were ashamed of me in front of that little girl. I’ll engage she doesn’t treat her mother like that.’
Then one day I was waiting for Una at the school gate as usual. Another boy was waiting there as well – one of the seniors. When he heard the screams of the school breaking up he strolled away and stationed himself at the foot of the hill by the crossroads. Then Una herself came rushing out in her wide-brimmed felt hat, swinging her satchel, and approached me with a conspiratorial air.
‘Oh, Larry, guess what’s happened!’ she whispered. ‘I can’t bring you home with me today. I’ll come down and see you during the week though. Will that do?’
‘Yes, thank you,’ I said in a dead cold voice. Even at the most tragic moment of my life I could be nothing but polite. I watched her scamper down the hill to where the big boy was waiting. He looked over his shoulder with a grin, and then the two of them went off together.
Instead of following them I went back up the hill alone and stood leaning over the quarry wall, looking at the roadway and the valley of the city beneath me. I knew this was the end. I was too young to marry Una. I didn’t know where babies came from and I didn’t understand algebra. The fellow she had gone home with probably knew everything about both. I was full of gloom and revengeful thoughts. I, who had considered it sinful and dangerous to fight, was now regretting that I hadn’t gone after him to batter his teeth in and jump on his face. It wouldn’t even have mattered to me that I was too young and weak and that he would have done all the battering. I saw that love was a game that two people couldn’t play at without pushing, just like football.
I went home and, without saying a word, took out the work I had been neglecting so long. That too seemed to have lost its appeal. Moodily I ruled five lines and began to trace the difficult sign of the treble clef.
‘Didn’t you see Una, Larry?’ Mother asked in surprise, looking up from her sewing.
‘No, Mummy,’ I said, too full for speech.
‘Wisha, ’twasn’t a falling-out ye had?’ she asked in dismay, coming towards me. I put my head on my hands and sobbed. ‘Wisha, never mind, childeen!’ she murmured, running her hand through my hair. ‘She was a bit old for you. You reminded her of her little brother that was killed, of course – that was why. You’ll soon make new friends, take my word for it.’
But I did not believe her. That evening there was no comfort for me. My great work meant nothing to me and I knew it was all I would ever have. For all the difference it made I might as well become a priest. I felt it was a poor, sad, lonesome thing being nothing but a genius.
My Oedipus Complex
Father was in the army all through the war – the First War, I mean – so, up to the age of five, I never saw much of him, and what I saw did not worry me. Sometimes I woke and there was a big figure in khaki peering down at me in the candlelight. Sometimes in the early morning I heard the slamming of the front door and the clatter of nailed boots down the cobbles of the lane. These were Father’s entrances and exits. Like Santa Claus he came and went mysteriously.
In fact, I rather liked his visits, though it was an uncomfortable squeeze between Mother and him when I got into the big bed in the early morning. He smoked, which gave him a pleasant musty smell, and shaved, an operation of astounding interest. Each time he left a trail of souvenirs – model tanks and Gurkha knives with handles made of bullet cases, and German helmets and cap badges and button-sticks, and all sorts of military equipment – carefully stowed away in a long box on top of the wardrobe, in case they ever came in handy. There was a bit of the magpie about Father; he expected everything to come in handy. When his back was turned, Mother let me get a chair and rummage through his treasures. She didn’t seem to think so highly of them as he did.
The war was the most peaceful period of my life. The window of my attic faced south-east. My Mother had curtained it, but that had small effect. I always woke with the first light and, with all the responsibilities of the previous day melted, feeling myself rather like the sun, ready to illumine and rejoice. Life never seemed so simple and clear and full of possibilities as then. I put my feet out from under the clothes – I called them Mrs Left and Mrs Right – and invented dramatic situations for them in which they discussed the problems of the day. At least Mrs Right did; she was very demonstrative, but I hadn’t the same control of Mrs Left, so she mostly contented herself with nodding agreement.
They discussed what Mother and I should do during the day, what Santa Claus should give a fellow for Christmas, and what steps should be taken to brighten the home. There was that little matter of the baby, for instance. Mother and I could never agree about that. Ours was the only house in the terrace without a new baby, and Mother said we couldn’t afford one till Father came back from the war because they cost seventeen and six. That showed how simple she was. The Geneys up the road had a baby, and everyone knew they couldn’t afford seventeen and six. It was probably a cheap baby, and Mother wanted something really good, but I felt she was too exclusive. The Geneys’ baby would have done us fine.
Having settled my plans for the day, I got up, put a chair under the attic window, and lifted the frame high enough to stick out my head. The window overlooked the front gardens of the terrace behind ours, and beyond these it looked over a deep valley to the tall, red-brick houses terraced up the opposite hillside, which were all still in shadow, while those at our side of the valley were all lit up, though with long strange shadows that made them seem unfamiliar; rigid and painted.
After that I went into Mother’s room and climbed into the big bed. She woke and I began to tell her of my schemes. By this time, though I never seem to have noticed it, I was petrified in my nightshirt, and I thawed as I talked until, the last frost melted, I fell asleep beside her and woke again only when I heard her below in the kitchen, making the breakfast.
After breakfast we went into town; heard Mass at St Augustine’s and said a prayer for Father, and did the shopping. If the afternoon was fine we either went for a walk in the country or a visit to Mother’s great friend in the convent, Mother St Dominic. Mother had them all praying for Father, and every night, going to bed, I asked God to send him back safe from the war to us. Little, indeed, did I know what I was praying for!
One morning I got into the big bed, and there, sure enough, was Father in his usual Santa Claus manner, but later, instead of uniform, he put on his best blue suit, and Mother was as pleased as anything. I saw nothing to be pleased about, because, out of uniform, Father was altogether less interesting, but she only beamed, and explained that our prayers had been answered, and off we went to Mass to thank God for having brought Father safely home.
The irony of it! That very day when he came in to dinner he took off his boots and put on his slippers, donned the dirty old cap he wore about the house to save him from colds, crossed his legs, and began to talk gravely to Mother, who looked anxious. Naturally, I disliked her looking anxious, because it destroyed her good looks, so I interrupted him.
‘Just a moment, Larry!’ she said gently.
This was only what she said when we had boring visitors, so I attached no importance to it and went on talking.
‘Do be quiet, Larry!’ she said impatiently. ‘Don’t you hear me talking to Daddy?’
This was the first time I had heard those ominous words, ‘talking to Daddy’, and I couldn’t help feeling that if this was how God answered prayers, he couldn’t listen to them very attentively.
‘Why are you talking to Daddy?’ I asked with as great a show of indifference as I could muster.
‘Because Daddy and I have business to discuss. Now don’t interrupt again!’
In the afternoon, at Mother’s request, Father took me for a walk. This time we went into town instead of out to the country, and I thought at first, in my usual optimistic way, that it might be an improvement. It was nothing of the sort. Father and I had quite different notions of a walk in town. He had no proper interest in trams, ships, and horses, and the only thing that seemed to divert him was talking to fellows as old as himself. When I wanted to stop he simply went on, dragging me behind him by the hand; when he wanted to stop I had no alternative but to do the same. I noticed that it seemed to be a sign that he wanted to stop for a long time whenever he leaned against a wall. The second time I saw him do it I got wild. He seemed to be settling himself forever. I pulled him by the coat and trousers, but, unlike Mother who, if you were too persistent, got into a wax and said: ‘Larry, if you don’t behave yourself, I’ll give you a good slap,’ Father had an extraordinary capacity for amiable inattention. I sized him up and wondered would I cry, but he seemed to be too remote to be annoyed even by that. Really, it was like going for a walk with a mountain! He either ignored the wrenching and pummelling entirely, or else glanced down with a grin of amusement from his peak. I had never met anyone so absorbed in himself as he seemed.
At tea-time, ‘talking to Daddy’ began again, complicated this time by the fact that he had an evening paper, and every few minutes he put it down and told Mother something new out of it. I felt this was foul play. Man for man, I was prepared to compete with him any time for Mother’s attention, but when he had it all made up for him by other people it left me no chance. Several times I tried to change the subject without success.
My Oedipus Complex Page 3