by Dark Angel
I take one step back, pushing her away from me. Her eyes widen, confusion taking over her face.
“Is there something wrong?” she asks, fear settling in.
“Yeah,” I say at once. “Where’s the fucking goldfish?” With that, I turn on my heels and fucking bolt.
I leave her there, completely stunned, and enter the elevator without even bothering to look back. This was fucking harsh of me, I know, but fuck…! When she pressed her body against mine, one name echoed in my mind: Jocelyn’s. I fucking love her. What the fuck was I thinking, going out at night looking for fucking trouble? The woman I love is at home.
She told me it was over. She told me I was nothing more than a fling. But her words don’t ring true, and fuck me if I’m going to give up on her without going to the bottom of this!
As I step out into the cold New York streets, there’s a look of determination on my face. I feel fucking renewed. My head is clear, my heart is in the right place: I’m not giving up on the woman I love. The situation might be a fucked up one, if I take my father into consideration, but I don’t give two fucks about that.
For the first time in my fucking life, I know what the word love means. And it means everything.
52
JOCELYN
T his is my first major appointment. Where is he? I take my phone out of my purse and tap it on. The screen comes to life and my eyes scan for the time. 2:15. Michael's late. It looks like he isn't even going to show up, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He wasn't particularly interested in joining me today, but during breakfast this morning, he opened his newspaper and without so much as looking in my direction, he agreed to come to keep up appearances. "Maybe a reporter will see us walking out of the office," he said, almost to himself. Is that really all he thinks about?
"Mrs. Anders, we're ready for you." My mind snaps back to the present.
I look up from my phone and see a nurse holding a clipboard. Well, it looks like I'll need to handle this appointment solo. He's definitely not going to show up. I gather my things—phone, keys, and purse—and head back. The nurse begins by taking my vitals—weight, temperature, and blood pressure. She asks me an assortment of personal questions, such as when my last period was, and whether or not I smoked or drank prior to conception, and if I'm taking pre-natal vitamins. It almost feels like an interrogation. I'm not used to this. After answering, she instructs me to undress and put on an unflattering paper gown—it' a far cry from the dresses in my wardrobe—and then she says that the doctor will be with me shortly. As I'm lying on the exam table, my mind starts to race again. I mean, here I am, pregnant with another man's baby, and to top it off, that man happens to be my stepson. How in the hell did my life take this turn? But before I can mentally answer that, I hear a soft knock at the door, and my OBGYN walks in. He's in his mid-50s with a bushy white mustache. He has a jovial twinkle in his eyes.
"Are you ready to see your baby today?" he asks with more enthusiasm than I expected.
Wait. I didn't realize I was going to see anything at this appointment, and I'm immediately nervous. "I am," I say, simply. Shouldn't I be feeling more excited?
"There won't be a whole lot to see, but because you are at approximately the 6-week point, we should see a heartbeat."
"Oh wow."
"Pretty great, right?"
I nod my head.
"But before we take a look, I'd like to review your chart with you. I see that you're 36 years old. I don't want to scare you, but we consider that advanced maternal age, so we need to closely monitor things."
Did he just say 'advanced maternal age'? What is that supposed to mean? Am I really that old? He notices my alarm and quickly finishes with, "But you look fantastic. I see you're in great physical health and I don't foresee any problems, so let's go ahead and take a look. Lie back. I'm going to use this wand. We call it a 'magic wand.'" He says this and chuckles. I'm not sure whether to laugh or not. Is he planning to stick this wand inside of me? I watch as he rolls a condom down the wand and lubes it up. Yep, he's definitely sticking this inside of me. I try to relax and keep my eyes on the small screen to my right side. Within a few moments, a black and white image appears, followed by a fast, rhythmic sound that seems to glow white.
"That's the baby's heart beat."
I squint my eyes and gaze at the screen. There, right in the middle, is a small image that resembles a gummy bear and sure enough, there is a beating heart. I'm not an overly emotional person, but when I see that, I cry. A mixture of emotions are surging through me—love, fear, resolve, courage—you name it. I wipe my eyes, carefully avoiding my mascara.
"It happens to everyone," the doctor says. "The first appointment is always emotional."
"You can say that again," I laugh. I wonder what Michael would've thought or felt, standing in this room today. But now I'll never know.
Once the appointment is over, I drive back home. On the seat next to me is a printed sonogram picture. The doctor gave it to me so that I could share it with Michael, although I doubt he'll care. I keep this picture in my hand as I walk into our home. The hall light is on, which is strange. Michael must already be here.
"Hello?" I call out. There's no reply. I walk upstairs. I still don't hear anyone, but I can smell a hint of cologne and there are a number of different lights on throughout the house. It's not Michael's cologne that I smell, but still something familiar. Where do I know that smell?
I walk toward his study. There's a light on. He must be answering emails or reading one of his books. I turn the knob and push the door open. What I see in the middle of the room makes me drop the picture in my hand, and it flutters to the ground.
"Oh fuck, yes," Michael says. He's sitting in his chair, and there's a man's face in his naked lap. His hands are buried in the man's dark hair, and he's rhythmically pushing it down on his cock. I recognize the man as Kenneth. Now I recognize the cologne.
"Come for me," Kenneth growls. I can hardly believe what I'm seeing. I knew Michael and Kenneth were having an affair, but I never thought they'd bring it here. Michael grunts and cums hard into Kenneth's mouth until he's completely drained, every last drop. It seems I arrived just in time for the finale. His cock spasms, and I watch as it dies down. I can see thick strands of cum drip from his mouth, and coat his tongue and lips. Kenneth is still on his knees and gets up slightly, placing his hands affectionately on Michael's chest. "You can have this every day—you are I, pure bliss—just say so. We can be happy together," Kenneth says, and then leans in to Michael, pressing his lips to him. He brushes his tongue against his lips, and Michael sucks it eagerly, cleaning it of the cum that covers it.
It is only at that point that both men notice my presence at the doorway. They both pull away from each other and gaze at me, wordless. There is a thickness to the silence, and for a moment, no one knows what to do. Kenneth seems pleased that I've just witnessed it all. A sly grin dances across his face. Michael is stunned, and debates how he should respond. I can almost see his mind working overtime. Then he finally speaks, "Really now, Jocelyn. Don't look so surprised." He bends down and picks up his pants, carefully pulling them on, one leg at a time.
"You were supposed to be at the doctor appointment with me today."
"I changed my mind," he responds, shrugging his shoulders. "And besides, this was only a fair turn of events. While you go off and fuck—who—no, I don't even want to know—whoever it is that you're fucking, I'll get mine."
I look at Kenneth and he nods his approval. He looks ecstatic and casually runs his fingers through his hair, smoothing it back into place. I bet this was his idea to be here, in this house, with Michael today. It would make sense.
"As you wish," I say, all emotion hidden. I tell myself that I shouldn't care. This was always a marriage of necessity. A favor for my father. I've never loved Michael and he's never loved me.
Michael clears his throat and says, "Good, now if you know what's good for you, you'll close that door and run
along."
53
LANCE
Sometimes, love means letting go.
I swear, I fucking tried. After that fucking awful night out, I went home ready to take on the world. I wouldn’t let anything get in the way—in my mind, Jocelyn and I were meant to be together, and I wouldn’t allow for that not to happen. Of course, that was nothing more than a childish thought. It fucking hurts to put it like this, but she was fucking right: I’m nothing more than a kid, and I was living nothing more than a fucking fantasy.
But there’s one thing that I won’t let go of: I love her. I fucking love her. With all my being. To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever love another woman like this. It’s just fucking impossible. So why am I not going after her? I’m astonished that you still have to fucking ask. Have you read the newspapers? Have you seen the fucking news on TV? She’s happy. Fucking happy. Swear to God, it hurts like a motherfucker to say it, but Jocelyn is happy. And she’s carrying my father’s child. Let me put it like this so you can understand it: I’m going to have a fucking brother. How can I come crashing into her life now? How can we ever be together like this? Fuck, I’d do anything to have her with me, but I won’t fucking ruin her happiness… I fucking won’t. It might cost me my own fucking happiness, but I don’t give a fuck. As long as she’s all right, the world will keep spinning on its axis…
That’s why I left in the middle of the night, not bothering to tell a soul that I was leaving. I packed my shit up in a duffel bag and called a cab. Half an hour later I was checking in at the Plaza, laptop propped up on my knees as I booked a flight to London.
Yeah, that’s right, come tomorrow morning, I’m getting the fuck out of New York. Maybe being on the other side of the planet, as far from her and my father as I can fucking get, will help. Or maybe it fucking won’t. Whatever, I’ll take the British night by assault and I’ll work through everything by going back to being good ol’ Lance Anders.
Yeah, sure, I know what you’re thinking. Things didn’t exactly go the way I intended the last time I tried to work through things like that. But, listen, this isn’t the way I wanted things to go. But what do you want me to fucking do? Try and break Jocelyn and my father apart, now that they’re waiting for a child? I’m an asshole, sure, but I’m not a fucking evil bastard. I have fucking limits. It might not look like it, but there’s a fucking conscience inside this pretty head of mine. Don’t believe me? Well, fuck you then.
Laying here on the bed of my hotel room, my head is racing, going at an hundred miles per hour. My mind is fucking brimming with scattered thoughts, a big gaping hole in my chest. Inside my heart, there’s fucking emptiness. I never felt like this. Never.
There’s a knock on my door, but I don’t even bother with it. I’m fucking crushed right now. Sprawled on top of the bed, I’m just staring at the ceiling while the seconds go by. It’s not like I’m fucking busy, but I won’t let room service fucking interrupt me. Besides, I have the fucking “Do Not Disturb” sign hanging outside the door, so these assholes can go fuck themselves.
There’s another knock, this time louder. Jesus Christ, do not disturb means do not fucking disturb, what’s so fucking hard about it? I sit up on the bed and, sighing, go up to my feet and walk to the door. I’m already in a foul fucking mood, and having someone knocking at the door isn’t fucking helping. While I’m crossing the room, whoever is on the other side starts to knock more insistently. Fucking hell.
“I’m on my fucking way,” I say, feeling more and more pissed by the second. What the fuck? Can’t I fucking wallow by myself for one fucking minute? Let a man be, for fuck’s sake. Seething, I grab the handle, turning it. The door swings open and my heart almost stops beating.
“Hello, Lance.” I have to blink twice in order to be sure that I’m not fucking dreaming. Jocelyn? What the fuck is she doing here? “Going somewhere?” Yeah, the other side of the planet.
“London,” I tell her without thinking. I’m still dazed by the fact that she has managed to track me down. “How the fuck did you find me here?”
“Your father’s name carries some weight,” she says with a smile. “That and you left a booking note on your bed stand.”
Fuck.
“Yeah, alright. That doesn’t explain why you came halfway across the city to bang on my door,” I tell her, stepping aside and letting her walk into the room. I turn my back to her and head to the bed, sitting on the edge while I prepare for her fucking speech. No hard feelings, yada yada, and some bullshit more. I’ve given that speech countless fucking times, but I never actually thought I’d end up on the receiving end of it. Karma can be a fucking bitch, let me tell you.
“I came to stop you.”
“Stop me?” I raise one eyebrow at her. Does she think I can stay in New York, living under the same roof as her and my father? I’m not a fucking masochist, thank you very much. I’d jump out of the fucking building before I let that happen.
“You can’t leave,” she insists, an expression of desperation taking over her face. Her beautiful face. Fuck, I just want to take her into my arms right now. Okay, be fucking strong, Lance. You can do this.
“I sure can. I’m leaving in the morning. And before you ask, I didn’t buy a return ticket. One way only.”
“You can’t,” she repeats, a sense of urgency in her words. She’s desperate. Why? She takes two steps toward me, looking me in the eyes. “I love you, Lance. Please don’t go.”
Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck is going on? Where the fuck is this coming from? I look into her eyes, trying to decipher if she’s fucking playing me, tugging on my rope just to string me along. But what I see there has nothing to do with that—there’s only truth there.
“But--”
“I know,” she says, cutting me short. “I said awful things. Terrible things. I meant none of it. And I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Lance. I wish I could take it all back.”
“Then why the fuck would you say those things?” I ask her softly, still not sure where the conversation is going. Even if she loves me… She’s fucking carrying my brother in her belly, for fuck’s sake. And if she loves me, that makes it all even more fucking depressing. Because now there’s no fucking way we’ll be able to be together.
“Because… I was afraid. I didn’t know what to do. When I found out that I was pregnant, I… I told your father and… I had no choice, Lance. He was so mad over it…”
Mad? He was fucking beaming during the pregnancy announcement. The old bastard was over joyous, telling the whole fucking world he was going to have another heir. The fucking prick hates it that I’m his only fucking son, a burden to his political aspirations. Unless… Oh, fuck. Oh, fucking fuck. It can’t be.
“Don’t tell me that…?” I ask her, my heart fucking racing. Jesus Christ, I think I’m going to be fucking sick. She simply nods, hesitant. Holy fuck, am I dreaming? Please tell me that I’m not fucking dreaming. “I’m going to be a father?”
“You’re going to be a father, Lance,” she tells me, a tender smile lighting her face up. Suddenly, the whole world stops spinning. I’m going to be a fucking father! My heart is ready to burst. Happiness floods me and I smile, going up to my feet. I grab her by the waist and pick her up, spinning her across the room.
“I’m going to be a father!” I laugh, overjoyed. Can you imagine it? A little Lance running around, peeking under the girl’s skirts! Or maybe a little Jocelyn, ready to dazzle the whole fucking world with her looks and smarts! Fuck, this started as the worst day of my life—and it became the very best one.
“I love you. I love you so fucking much,” I tell her, placing my hands on her cheeks as I put her on the floor.
“I love you too,” she whispers into me, that desperation no longer on his face. There’s only happiness there, making her even more fucking beautiful, as if that could be fucking possible. I press my mouth against hers, the touch of her lips marking the best day of my life.
I’m going to be a fucking
dad!
54
JOCELYN
“I love you. I love you so fucking much!” Lance says, his words like honey and wine. They’re curt and perfect, and above all, they are everything I need to hear. After everything that I told him, after trying to drive him away… That’s the thing with love, I think. He can’t be driven away when it really exists.
“I love you too,” I tell him, my heart brimming with happiness. “But I want you to prove it to me,” I say with a smile, taking one step toward him, our mouths just two inches away from each other. Smiling back, he brushes the back of his hand against my face, tucking a stray lock of hair over my ear.
“I’ll do more than that,” he tells me, leaning in and brushing his lips against mine. I feel that familiar spark of pleasure running through me, the touch of his mouth on mine is one of the sweetest things I have ever experienced in my entire life. “Close your eyes,” he says, pulling back from me.
“Why?” My heart is starting to beat faster, anxiety crawling under my skin as every fiber of my body starts to ache for him.
“Just do it.” I comply, my eyelids drooping before he even finishes speaking. There’s something in the tone of his voice. He showed up in my life as young brash boy, but he’s maturing. He’s shaping up into a man, one who towers above all other mortals. But, in the end, it doesn’t matter how much he grows up: he will always be my Lance.
I hear him walk across the room, his sure footsteps taking him away from he. He rummages through something—one of his travel bags, I assume—and then walks back toward me. I tremble slightly as he presses something over my face, soft fabric brushing against my skin. He places it over my eyes and runs it around my head, tying the slender piece of fabric tightly. It’s a tie, an expensive one, judging by the smoothness of it.