“No. I didn’t. I was listening to music.” I show him my ear buds to prove it. I don’t know why. I owe no explanation, but I think I was hoping that he’ll stop looking angry if he thinks I wasn’t purposely ignoring him.
It didn’t work.
“All you girls are the same. You think you’re too good to give other people the time of day. You think you can run around looking like you do and rub it in people’s faces that we’re not good enough! You’re all just a bunch of whores! A bunch of fucking whores!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” My heart is beating out of my chest and I’m scared. I look down at my arm where he still holds on tight, pinching me he’s squeezing so hard. “Ouch! You’re hurting me!”
He squeezes tighter.
“I was trying to talk to you, you snooty little bitch, but you kept running. You think you’re too good to talk to me? Is that it?”
“I told you I didn’t hear you.” Showing him my ear buds one more time. “I don’t think I’m too good to talk. I just didn’t hear you or see you.”
“You’re such a liar. I know girls like you. Stuck up bitches. I’m gonna teach you a lesson you won’t soon forget.”
The stench of his breath makes me want to vomit. I try to hold it in. I try not breathing in his rancid smell. I dry heave once. He leans in and licks my face.
I throw up on his shoes.
“Why you little bitch!” He raises his arm and slams his closed fist on my face. I feel pain immediately. My right eye throbs but before I can even think about it I feel another slam to my face. I’m being dragged by my hair and my feet are dragging the ground until I see grass underneath. I am thrown to the hard ground. I try to stand up to run and feel my side splinter. I gasp for air. He kicks me again, and then pulls me up by my shirt. I hear it ripping and tearing.
“Look at you! Just like I said you were – a fucking whore!”
“Pl…pl…please. Sto…stop.”
He pushes me back onto the ground and climbs on top of me. “I’m not done with you yet.” I can’t lift him off me. I find the skin underneath his arm and pinch and twist as hard as I can. In one swift move I’m lifted off the ground again. “AHHHHH, YOU FUCKING BITCH!”
“HELP ME! SOMEONE HELP ME. Please.”
Everything is dark. I can’t see. I don’t hear him anymore. I don’t hear anything anymore. I feel like I’m floating. I feel so light. The pain has stopped. I like this feeling. I don’t want to go back. I want to stay here. I like feeling so light. So light…
“She’s been… long time.”
BEEP!
“It’s been four…”
BEEP!
“Worry…she…not…days.”
BEEP! BEEP!
Where am I? I try to lift up my head. Pain. And nausea. I feel sick. I hear people talking. They sound so far away. Machines. I hear machines.
“Watch…only…orders.”
BEEP!
BEEP!
BEEP!
“She’s starting to wake up.”
“Lily? Look at me.”
“Lily? Look at me baby.”
I blinked and looked around. I was sitting in Cooper’s car. I shook my head and pulled my knees up to my chest.
“Where did you go?” I look at him in confusion. “Just now, where did you go? It was like you checked out. You weren’t responding to me. God, baby, you scared me.”
“I was remembering,” I whispered. “How did I get in your car?”
“I carried you. You fell to the ground and you were just looking out into the field. You kept saying, ‘I didn’t hear you.’ You looked so scared. I scooped you up and sat you down right here and kept talking to you until you snapped out of it.” He pulled back, inspecting every square inch of me. “Are you okay?”
Am I? “I will be.”
“What do you remember?”
I looked down at my hands and rubbed them together nervously. “Enough. I remember… enough.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means…” I said softly, still rubbing my hands together, “…it means I saw his face.”
“I’m confronting him, Lily. Don’t try to talk me out of it.” Cooper grabbed his keys and headed for the door. He had taken me back to his house when we left the field and listened intently to everything I remembered.
“Cooper, wait!”
He stopped at the door but didn’t turn around. “I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do, baby. Everything. But this… you gotta give me this.”
“Please. Don’t go. I’m begging you.”
He slowly turned around to look at me, eyes still tormented. “I have to, Lil. I let him get away once. I have to fix this.”
“You have nothing to fix, Cooper. You didn’t hurt me. You’re not the one who beat me. This is not your problem to fix. You were the one who…”
Cooper winced and held his hand up to me. “Stop.” A look of pain flickered across his face. “This is not my problem to fix? What the hell, Lily? I am in love with you. Everything that involves you involves me. Not my problem? It damn well is my problem!”
My heart felt like it took a running leap into my throat. “Cooper, I didn’t mean it like that.” The threat of tears stings my eyes. “I’m just scared. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Do you have any idea what it’s been like for me to watch you go through hell? Having no idea how to help you? Knowing that I can’t undo what’s been done? Waiting for you to wake up screaming every night so I can hold you and hope you feel safe? This helplessness is killing me. It’s eating me up inside and ripping me to shreds. And now that I can actually do something about your nightmares you want me not to? You can’t ask that of me, Lily. That’s probably the one thing I can’t give you. Hell, I could probably find a way to tie a rope around every star in the sky and give them to you one by one if you asked me to….But I can’t do what you’re asking.”
He walked back to me and held my face in his hands. My tears were falling like raindrops now and I couldn’t stop them.
“You don’t need to worry about me, baby,” Cooper said. “I’ll be fine. I’m going to get the information I need and give it to the police. Joe has already informed me that he’s at the bar and Hayden won’t let him leave before I get there.” He kissed me on my forehead and swallowed me up in his embrace. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
I knew I had to let Cooper do this. This was as much for him as it was for me. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” My tone was pleading.
“I won’t, I promise.”
Waiting for Cooper to get back was going to be my undoing. What information was he going to come home with? And what would that mean for me? For us? There was still so much unknown but I knew with every ounce of life I had in me that when we had a name to go with the face, we would make sure he never did anything like this to anyone else. That man at the bar who had inevitably flipped the switch to my memory was probably wishing he’d never stepped foot in Joe’s bar tonight. A small part of me actually smiled thinking about Cooper, Joe, and Hayden bending someone’s will to the point of breaking it. I hoped they didn’t have to break anything else to get the information. Or maybe I hoped they did.
I shook out my hands in an attempt to calm my rattled nerves. I’d paced the floor between the living room and front door so much I’d worn a path. I checked my watch again and realized it had only been three minutes since the last time I checked, and only two minutes since the time before that. I was making myself crazy. I couldn’t just sit there.
I grabbed my keys and climbed inside my car. On auto pilot, I pulled into the parking lot at Joe’s and looked around suspiciously. I was on edge and now that I was there, I realized that I shouldn’t be. I walked inside and my senses were hit with a rush of loud music. I did my best to sort out all the different random voices, straining to hear the only voice I needed to hear – Cooper’s. My eyes were busy scanning every surface, every fa
ce, every corner, but I didn’t see him, nor did I see Joe or Hayden. I made my way toward the center of the room where Joe would normally be bartending and spotted Brice, one of Joe’s employees.
“Oh hey, Lily,” he said when he saw me. “How’s it going?”
“Fine. Listen, have you seen Cooper, Joe or Hayden?”
“Yeah, I think I saw them walk to the back. Check Joe’s office.”
I made my way through the noisy crowd until I reached the back hallway. Joe’s office was at the end and I saw light seeping through the cracked door. When I inched my way closer I heard voices. Muffled at first, but then becoming decipherable.
“Don’t give me any shit. She saw you!”
Peeking through the door, I saw Cooper standing tall over the man who I recognized as the man who, with mere words, brought back the trauma I had buried deep.
“Warren, I’m not gonna ask you again. You will talk to me one way or another.”
Warren?
Joe and Hayden stood alongside Cooper, all three looking particularly intimidating. Cooper had his arms folded in front of his chest with his legs slightly apart. Joe looked like he was ready to bang Warren’s head on the table if he didn’t start talking. Hayden was leaning against the wall with one foot propped flat against it, the other foot flat against the floor and both hands shoved into his front pockets.
The man took stock of the three men standing over him before bringing his hands up to his face. “It wasn’t me,” he said. “It was my twin brother.” He brought his hands back down and set them flat on the table. “My brother had rage issues. I tried getting him help. IED, is what they called it. Intermittent Explosive Disorder. He was given medication to help control his rages, but he would refuse to take it most of the time.” Warren brought his hands back up to his face and traced along his jaw line. “He’s been kicked out of every place he’s ever lived. I didn’t know where he was or how he was living. He showed back up a few months ago after being gone for several years. He told me that he hurt someone really bad – a girl. He told me where and when and I remembered hearing about that and reading it in the paper when it happened. I had hoped that because he was telling me everything it was because he wanted to turn himself in – confess to his crime, but I was wrong. When I told him he needed to turn himself in, he flew into another rage. I didn’t know how to help him. I never did. How do you help someone who refuses the help?”
“How long have you known? Why haven’t you gone to the police, Warren? What, you’re just gonna let him wander around out there so he can hurt someone else? He would have killed Lily if I hadn’t been there! I can’t believe you can sit there so calmly like he can’t hurt anyone else!”
“He can’t.” It was barely audible but that’s what I thought I heard Warren say. Warren’s head started to sag and his shoulders were moving up and down. Is he crying?
“Can’t? What do you mean he can’t? What are you talking about?!” I could sense Cooper’s frustration, but Hayden and Joe were still taking a back seat to this interrogation, only stepping in when necessary, which apparently hadn’t happened yet.
When Warren didn’t answer, Cooper pushed his chair back, grabbed him by the shirt collar, and yanked him up, feet dangling. Cooper’s face was inches from his.
“You better start talking or I’m going to have some issues of my own.” Cooper wasn’t yelling or even ranting. He was calm. Scary calm. And yet the intimidation meter was fully pegged. He set him back down onto the chair haphazardly and stepped back, re-folded his arms across his chest and waited.
Warren attempted to straighten himself back out but took one look at Cooper and decided against it.
“My brother is dead. He can’t hurt anyone else. He died the night he came back and told me what he had done. He took off in his car and I never saw him again. An officer showed up at my door and told me there had been an accident. He said my brother was speeding and hit another car head on. Both cars were split in half, both drivers killed on impact.” He looked up at Cooper, then Joe, and then to Hayden with tear soaked eyes. “The last thing my brother did on this earth was kill someone. But I know that he can’t ever hurt anyone else again.”
“When did this happen?” Cooper asked.
“Four months ago.” He kept his head down. “I know what you’re thinking,” nodding his head in confirmation. “He killed her father when he slammed into his car.”
“No…” I gasped, struggling for air. All four men turned to see me standing in the doorway. Cooper rushed toward me and then like before, everything went black.
Twenty-One
Stolen Breaths
Sadness.
It was all around me. It was all I could feel. It consumed me. It was in the air I breathed. It sank me to the deepest pit of hell, swept me off my feet and knocked me to the ground. It was unforgiving, unapologetic. Cruel. Its torturous peril enveloped me and seeped into every pore of my skin. It surrounded me and wrapped me in knots so I couldn’t escape its grip. It owned me.
Sadness.
There should be another word for what I felt. Maybe there was, but I didn’t have the wherewithal to conjure the care to even attempt to find one. I was empty and if the world were to open up and swallow me I would welcome it. But I was stuck with sadness until then.
My lungs tried to take in air but the air was saturated with heartache and all I could breathe in was pain. It entered my body and cut me from the inside out, leaving my body a heaving pile of aching bones. It left me nothing but sorrow, grasping and clinging to my new reality. A reality I didn’t want.
A reality of stolen breaths.
Twenty-Two
Who Am I?
I shook my head in an attempt to rebel against the sadness. I stood up and rushed for the door. I needed to get the hell out of there and I needed to get the hell out of there now. Cooper rose with me and held on to me like he was afraid I would faint again. I wasn’t going to faint, but I was going to stop breathing if I didn’t leave this room in the next five seconds.
“Baby, wait.”
I clutched my purse and spun around to face Cooper, making sure I didn’t make eye contact with Warren.
“Cooper, I have to go. You have to get me out of here. I need to not be here. I can’t be here.” My voice was shaking and my body started trembling uncontrollably.
Cooper immediately took charge and got me out of that room. He guided me down the hall, through the bar, and put me in his car, even securing my seatbelt before closing my door and sliding into the driver’s seat. All the while my mind was playing a movie in my head and someone had pushed the fast-forward button. Images of Daddy and me beginning at my earliest memories and playing straight through to the present. Birthdays, Father-Daughter dances, holidays, late night talks, ice cream runs. Then, like a punch to the gut, those images were replaced with the memories of telephone calls, funeral homes, caskets, gravesides, and sadness.
I pulled my knees up to my chest, placed my hands over my ears, and began to rock, keeping my eyes squeezed closed, doing everything I could to shut it out – shut it all out.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
I could feel the anger bubbling up inside of me. I wanted to punch something. Hit something. Scream at something. I rocked faster and I could feel myself clenching my hair in my fists as I tried to tamp down the madness raging inside of my head.
It’s not working. It’s not working.
“Stop the car, Cooper.”
“Baby, we’re almost—”
“Stop the car, Cooper!”
“Lily, listen to me…”
I unclicked my seatbelt and pulled the handle on the door, pushing it open about the time Cooper swerved and skidded onto the side of the road, blowing gravel and dirt up in the air. He threw the car in park and I jumped out and start running down the road, ignoring his pleas to stop. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going. I just knew that I needed air. I needed to breathe.
I needed to scream.
I could feel Cooper coming up behind me long before I ever saw him. Sensing that he’d try to get me to stop my freak-out moment, I ran faster, speeding up, still feeling caged and unable to breathe. His footsteps were hurried, his breathing heavy.
“Don’t stop me, Cooper. Just leave me alone!”
“I’m not trying to stop you. Scream, Lily! Let it out! Here, hit me.”
“What?! I don’t want to hit you!”
“Damn it, Lily, hit me! I want you to. Take it out on me! I know you need to hit something. I’d rather you hit me! Hit me damn it!”
“NO!”
“You don’t deserve any of this, Lily! You’re the best person I’ve ever known. I want so much to take all of this away from you. I want for you to never know what a broken heart feels like. I want so much to be able to erase everything bad that’s ever happened to you! I can’t. I can’t do anything to remove the past. But I know what you need right now – in this moment. That son of bitch killed your father! Get angry about it!”
“I am angry!”
“Good! Show me how angry you are!”
“What do you want me to do, huh? God, I want to…” I clenched my fists together tightly and bent over to grab a handful of dirt and rocks. I threw it in the air. “WHAT IS IT YOU WANT ME TO DO?”
“I WANT YOU TO FUCKING SCREAM!”
“I’m afraid!”
“Of what?”
“I’m afraid of myself! I want to…” I stopped myself from saying it out loud.
“Just say it. Say it, Lily!”
“I want to kill the son of a bitch! I want to bring him back to life so I can kill him!” Then the flood gates opened. I screamed. I screamed until it felt like I’d swallowed razor blades. I screamed until I could feel the veins in my head bulging around my temples. I screamed until I realized that I had clenched my fists so tight that my fingernails had dug deeply enough into my skin to draw blood. “I’m so ANGRRRYYYYY!” I shouted it so loud that it made my head hurt. “I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!”
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