by Keta Kendric
“What are you watching, boss?” came a voice that had my head snapping up from my phone.
I’d been concentrating so hard on Regina that I’d let Franklin, one of my managers, sneak in on me.
“This is grown folks’ shit, Franklin,” I informed, giving him a stern eye, even though the man was nearly a decade older than me. “Shouldn’t you be somewhere getting this place freak-fly for tonight?”
“I just stepped in to say hello. We haven’t been seeing you much around here lately, and when we do, you stop in and jet out like the place is on fire.”
I stood. “Well, call the fucking fire department. I gotta go.” I pointed at my laptop. “Check these accounting reports. There’s something I need to do.”
Franklin jerked his head back like my request was shocking. His ass knew I was like an elephant when it came to remembering shit. Before he protested, I pointed out, “Don’t feed me shit about you not knowing how to do this either. You have a fucking business degree from Berkeley, and you did accounting for your wife’s father before you came here. Why in the hell you think you were hired in the first place?”
“Okay, boss,” he relented with a deep smile. “I’ll get right on it and text you if something’s off.”
I was already out of the door walking at a brisk pace. When I’d left this morning, Regina had been tired as hell. I’d ensured she would be. I’d also left her with a wide grin on her face. Now, it appeared she’d lost a kidney to a non-licensed doctor.
She’d revealed that she’d been seeing images of her cousin again. Was it time I got her professional help? I’d studied the fuck out of psychology in an attempt to figure out my own fractured mind and had barely scratched the surface. If Regina and I were both legit crazy, it was a recipe for disaster. One of us needed to hold the key to sanity, and that someone damn sure wasn’t me.
By the time I stepped into the apartment, Regina was stretched out on the couch, asleep. This wasn’t unusual since she didn’t sleep well throughout the night unless I got ahold of her. I sat on the arm of the couch and watched her sleep. There was a lot of shit I vowed I’d never do, but when it came to Regina, a lot of nevers had been going up in flames.
My jacket and tie came off before I kicked off my shoes. I stopped at the notion of taking my pants off too. It would lead to us fucking, and I didn’t think fucking was what Regina needed. She needed to know that I had her back, even if it was just me being there with her.
I eased down onto the couch, making her stir. A lazy groan escaped as she turned her body blindly with my help. She automatically knew what to do as her leg fell over mine and her hand slid across the top of my chest. My arm tightened around her back, drawing her in closer, allowing her warmth to cover me and her scent to invigorate my senses. The movements caused her to stir awake before she lifted her head. Her sleep-heavy gaze found mine.
“Ansel?”
“Yep, unless you’re expecting another good-looking, sexy as hell motherfucker. And if you did, his ass would be deader than a rusty doornail.”
My reply had her giggling as she kept her gaze pinned on mine. This was the Regina I liked seeing. Most of her body was snuggled into mine with the rest of her pinned against the back of the couch. I relaxed my head against the arm of the couch.
There was no use resisting the pull. The hand I’d placed under and around her back slid lower and rested on her ass. My other sat on the hip of the leg draped across mine. I didn’t acknowledge her staring at me even though our faces were inches apart. I already knew what she was thinking.
“I thought you said there’d be no snuggling. This feels like snuggling to me,” she sang in a cute, teasing tone. The big smile on her face was all I’d needed to see, even if I broke every rule I’d established to make it happen.
“Go back to sleep before I give you something to talk about,” I replied playfully.
After a low giggle, she nestled her head into my chest and squeezed her arm around me a bit tighter. I lowered my head and rested my mouth to the top of her hair. My chest rose and fell in quick movements that I couldn’t control as my heart pounded under her cheek.
An emotion I’d ignored since the moment I’d met Regina decided to surface. It was at this moment, with her, that I accepted that fighting it made it worse. I was arrogant, never wanting to admit to any type of defeat. But this, this thing between Regina and me, was slaying my ass whether I wanted to accept it or not.
My lips found the top of her hair before a deep inhale lifted my chest. A light cherry-almond scent came from it. When mixed with her natural vanilla-cocoa aroma, the mixture was damn near irresistible.
I slid my hand up her hip until I reached her chin and lifted. As soon as her gaze met mine, she inched her head up higher, and I inched mine down. Our lips met, and we kept them together for a paused moment, enjoying the connection. She danced her fingers over my cheek and lured my gaze back to hers when I eased our lips apart. I stifled a gasp when our eyes locked, and I swear, a strong force flew from her and knocked me in my chest.
My lips crashed into hers and delved deeper into another kiss while wrestling with the overpowering sensation that rode me hard and wouldn’t let go. The kiss amplified the emotions swirling between us. The amount of passion from this simple kiss sent sharp jolts through my body and raised goosebumps on my arms before it settled into my bloodstream.
This was some powerful shit that caused my entire body to catch a chill. I’m not going to lie, I was no punk, but the shit stirring between us scared the shit out of me. Enough that I stopped the kiss and pulled back. I knew Regina felt it too. My gaze found the telling details in the goosebumps that covered the bare skin of her arms. Her harsh breathing was fast and warm against my body as it swept over the material of my shirt.
My lips met the top of her hair again when she snuggled back into my chest. My face remained buried in her hair as I fought to keep my mind from overloading.
I was bad, damaged, fucked up in more ways than I could count. Did I deserve to have this connection with Regina? Did I deserve to experience this type of emotional purity? This was the type of blessing reserved for the good guys. The people that made the world a better place. Not for a demon like me. This couldn’t have been something meant for me. I was stealing—taking something that didn’t belong to me.
There was no use in attempting to settle my mind. No matter how many times I sequenced the logical aspects of us in my head, it never added up. My ideas hovered until I felt myself drifting.
41
Ansel
The sharp jerk of my neck registered, but the world I’d been lured into refused to release its suffocating grip and set me free.
“Ansel wake up,” her soothing voice sounded, reaching through the darkness to reconnect my mind to the light. “You’re safe here with me.”
The light trace of delicate fingers stroked my stubbled jaw, and my eyes fluttered open. And what a beautiful view they opened to. Regina was laid out on top of me. The concern etched on her face indicated that she’d heard my dream-inspired ramblings.
My dreams usually had me on edge, cagey like a feral animal, but Regina’s presence cast it away, easing my anxiety into a faint trace of mist. Her radiating warmth chased away the chill the dream had left in my body. The press of her weight on top of me felt natural like she was in her rightful place.
The dark view outside sparkling with city lights indicated that we’d been out for at least a few hours. One of my hands was full of ass and pinned between her body and the couch. My other hand had worked its way under her top as it rested against the warm silkiness of her side.
She ground her pussy against my hip, and I shook my head at her.
“You don’t want that, Doc. My dick is always hungry for you, but I’m being considerate. You have a case of the sore pussy, and I want my little pussy queen as good as new so I can wreck her all over again.”
She burst into a fit of laughter that enticed me to join her. The shit tha
t fell out of my mouth was ridiculous, but I enjoyed the sound of Regina’s laughter.
“How is she by the way?” I inquired, glancing down in that direction. “I’m going to need her to do whatever it is she does and snap back because, fuck,” I stated, fighting the heat that blazed between us. I reached down and gripped my dick that had started to jump up as soon as the word pussy was mentioned.
“Sooo,” she inquired with suspicious eyes, dragging out the word. “Does this mean we have adopted the role of a couple now?”
A glance down showed me how wrapped up in each other we were, and I sat up, taking her up with me. Her words had snapped me from this little fantasy we were in. We sure as shit had started to act like a couple.
“No. You know I can’t go there with you, Regina. I don’t think I’m equipped to handle a normal relationship.”
“Oh,” was all she said as I sat all the way up, threw my legs over the couch and let my feet hit the cold floor. She eased back but remained kneeling, her side pressed into my arm as her arm rested over my shoulder. I sensed her gaze on me, so I turned and glanced at her.
“It’s not that I don’t want you, Regina. Don’t ever think that. But, I do want better for you than me. You’re a doctor. You’ve worked your ass off to earn that title. I’ve watched you over the short time we’ve been together. You study your ass off, and you haven’t even started applying for jobs yet. I know that you’d be the hardest worker, the kind that would pour your heart and soul into your work. I think you’d also do the same in a relationship.” I released a deep sigh. “I can’t give you that kind of dedication and care in return.”
“I believe you can,” she stated matter-of-factly. There was a hint of opposition in her tone. She was set to challenge my ass. “You want to sex me and cuff me. You want me obedient and submissive, but you don’t want any of the baggage or work it might take to turn our relationship into a real one? God forbid that you actually admit to yourself that you care about me.”
“I can’t go there with you, Regina. I wasn’t taught the principles of manhood. I learned the best way I could. The guidelines I follow are warped, twisted. All you’d have with me is a temporary relationship that would burn itself out before we even got started. I’m not capable of giving the kind of love you deserve. There are too many fucking demons in me. I’d end up being the devil that ruins your life.”
“You can’t go there with me, Ansel, or you just don’t want to?”
This damn woman here. She wasn’t listening to a damned thing I was saying.
My nostrils flared with anger, and for the life of me, I couldn’t direct any of it at her. She bent down and kissed me, dragging her lips over mine with a light caress. I’d be damned if her kiss didn’t calm me right the fuck down. She kept her palm planted against my chin, ensuring I didn’t turn away.
“You’ve protected me. You’ve provided me shelter, food, and everything I need. You’ve fought for me, killed for me. You keep me satisfied in a way that I’ve never experienced before. You support the fact that I’m a doctor where some men are intimidated by it. You handed me a credit card with virtually no limit and refused to let me give it back.”
When she outed my actions like that, it did appear I’d been more generous than even I’d realized.
“You appreciate my body, even though I have scars and am not a size two. Not only did you introduce me to layers of yourself, it feels like you’ve introduced me to myself. Even when it seems like you aren’t listening to a thing I rant about, you’ll say something that lets me know you were attentive the whole time.
“You know how to make me open up in a way that’s allowed me to exercise some of the toxic thoughts that haunt me. What more is there for me to want or need? You’ve done for me more than some husbands are willing to do for their wives.”
My hand lifted at her statement, and I turned my face away from her palm. “What I’m doing is a part of my job of protecting you, not what you’re making it out to be.”
“I know. I know,” she uttered as I scooted away from her to the edge of the couch. “We are not a couple, Ansel. I’m just saying. You say you can’t give me what I deserve, but you’ve already given me so much more. And no matter what you say, it doesn’t all feel like it’s a part of you doing your job.”
Her slight movement registered behind me. The low scrunch of the couch sounded, and the cushion dipped as she drew closer.
“I don’t understand why we can’t be more than what we are. However, I have no choice but to respect your choice.”
The sincerity in her tone stirred something within me that caused me to glance back at her. And I hadn’t missed the stress she’d placed on the word your. She wasn’t hiding shit from me, and I don’t think she ever had. She’d fallen for me, and her gaze revealed the truth of her words.
Sadness flashed in her eyes, making them appear too heavy for her to hold open. She wanted something that I wasn’t sure I could give her. Shit was getting too deep. Way deeper than I expected it to go with us. It was hitting nerves and stirring emotions. Exposing a connection that had been woven together by a force that neither of us had control over. When had we become these people? Why hadn’t I followed my own advice and stuck to the rules?
42
Ansel
I expected Regina to get up after my reaction to her declarations. So, when her arms wrapped around me from behind, I froze. She buried her face in my neck, kneeling behind me, and I was fucking done for. A stunning force immobilized my body before Regina’s warm breath washed over the skin of my neck and caused a chill to ripple over me.
“Ansel.” She let my name linger in the air before she placed her mouth to my ear. Her arms tightened around me. “I love you.”
Suffocating tension grew thick enough to stifle my breath before my heart exploded. Three words. Eight letters. They were a combination of words and letters that had never been spoken to me in that delicate way. In that loving manner. In that meaningful tone. There was so much intense power behind those words that they’d reduced me into a mindless vessel powered by emotions.
Every hair on my body stood up. Every nerve ending shorted out by an overabundance of energy. Every neuron in my brain sparked too fast. My heart dropped into my stomach, and a tornado was in there ripping it to shreds.
“What…we…” My attempt to utter a response faltered because no words would form. Gasping, I choked on my own breaths. It took me a moment to realize that I was shaking as this beautiful woman’s love flowed into my body.
As my body shook, uncontrolled, my mind followed, my heart fluttered, and my brain quaked. She’d unleashed too much, and I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle the intensity and angst of such a deep connection.
I had no idea words could do this to a person. However, words spoken by the right person could wield the power of an army because I’d been slain. The depth of those three words had cut so deep they immobilized me. Speech muted. Held captive. I couldn’t even gather myself enough to move away from her.
No one had loved me like this. How could they? How could she? I wasn’t the man you loved. I wasn’t good for anything but the devil’s work: killing, sex, and salacious acts that others avoided.
There was no need to glance into Regina’s eyes or search for certain telling indicators to know that those words had traveled straight from her heart. The power of them radiated through me and filled my body and mind to max capacity. One coherent thought surfaced. This can’t be real.
“Shit. Regina. Fuck!” Fell from my lips in a harsh whisper. Not the thing you say to a woman that just admitted she loves you. My face was scrunched with confusion and nagging emotion. I couldn’t focus on anything because I was too busy keeping my thoughts contained. Regina’s grip grew tighter around me.
“Don’t worry. I don’t expect you to say it back. I know you don’t love me back, Ansel. You may not be able to give me love, but you have given me everything else. I’m willing to accept the way it is…�
� her words trailed off.
What was she saying?
“Let me have this, Ansel. I’ve never had someone to love before. You don’t have to do anything in return. Just let me love you. Okay?”
Her soft lips fell on the back of my neck, and my eyes slammed shut from the powerful impact. My ass was stuck. Half of me desired everything Regina offered, but the other half didn’t want to ruin her life. Did I have feelings for Regina? There’s no way in hell I couldn’t have them. Could I give her as much love as she poured into me? I doubted it.
Regina spoke words that my heart sang in silence, but she’d crossed a bridge I wasn’t ready to cross. Her face nuzzled in my neck and shoulder and her arms remained wrapped around me. Her warm, soft body melded into my back.
This woman.
Her embrace was so warm and inviting she had me sinking into that overwhelming sensation. The embrace swallowed my body, warmed me to the core, and comforted me into a relaxed state. I floated atop happiness, glided along joy, and breathed in pure love.
My eyes popped open, and I shook off the heavy wave of feelings she’d stirred. Her warm lips caressed my neck, and her soft pecks sounded before she buried her face against my skin, inhaling me deeply. Her arms adjusted around me, and my eyes closed at the sensation of her heart pounding against my back.
“Regina,” I called lightly.
“Yes,” she answered, her warm breath sliding over my skin. It felt good to have someone want me like this, but I couldn’t allow it.
My hand tightened around her forearm, intending to separate her from me. “I’ll fucking kill anybody that touches you. You know that right?”