by Skyy
Misha’s heart was racing. She was busted. She hadn’t realized how obvious her feelings were. Sweat began to form on her brow. “Patrick . . .”
“Are you seeing someone else?”
“No! How can you even think that?”
“You know exactly why I can think it. You think I didn’t notice after you spent your little time away that you changed? It would be after you go kick it with Carmen that you start acting brand new.” Patrick was fuming.
Misha’s head jerked around. “Are you serious right now, Patrick? I thought you were past that. . . .”
“I was. You are the one who is acting different. Were you around her, Misha?”
Misha couldn’t believe her ears. Four years and Patrick still was stuck on Cooley. She couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt. She’d been affected by seeing Cooley, and she was having feelings she hadn’t had in years, but thinking wasn’t the same as cheating.
You could hear a pin drop in the room. Patrick wouldn’t take his eyes off of her. He wanted answers and knew that she couldn’t lie to him. Misha lowered her head.
“I haven’t cheated on you. I wouldn’t do that. I love you. . . .” Her heart was breaking. She could see the fear in his eyes.
“Misha, I love you, but I’m not going to try to make you stay somewhere you don’t want to be. If you want . . . that . . . then by all means, there’s the door. I’m not going to compete with . . . with no one, especially not a fucking dyke.”
Misha felt her world crashing down around her. As much as she wanted to punch him for his homophobic attitude, she also wanted to hold him and make him see that she was committed to him. Misha knew she had to get her feelings in check before she lost her family over feelings that she couldn’t completely explain.
“Patrick, I chose you. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there is something missing in my life. Patrick, I don’t want anyone else, but I can’t continue to just be a housewife. I feel myself dying each day that I’m not doing something productive.”
“And raising our son isn’t productive for you? That’s the most important job in the world, Misha.”
Misha wanted to scream. She again felt like she was talking to a brick wall. His statement rang true, since raising their son should be the number one priority. But Misha didn’t see why she couldn’t do more than one thing.
“Patrick, listen to me. I am unhappy just cooking and cleaning. I want more.”
“So leaving our son with some strange people so you can go out and pull in a check we don’t need is that damn important to you?”
“Why do you have to say it like that?”
“Because, Misha, admit it. You didn’t want this. You didn’t want a family. You still don’t want one!” His voice carried throughout the house.
Misha was offended. “So me wanting to do more with my life besides cook, clean, and wash your fucking dirty drawers means I don’t want a family? Fuck you, Patrick! I love you and I love our son, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love and want more for myself as well, you insensitive asshole!” Misha pushed him with all of her might, but he didn’t move.
“Misha, we both gave up I for a we when we got married. You think I don’t miss my old life? I used to travel all over. Now I’m stuck behind a desk because I can’t be the agent I used to be due to my love for my family. We could be bringing in so much more money, but I took the promotion so I could be home instead of on the road. But you don’t fucking get that. All you think about is you!”
Misha felt horrible. Patrick was right. He had taken a management job, which meant an end to the high commissions he was making as an agent, just so he could come home to them every night. Although he was right, she still couldn’t shake the emptiness that was in her heart.
“Patrick, I knew what I was getting into when we got married, but I never knew I would have to give up everything that I wanted in life. You’ve known me my whole life, and you’ve always known how badly I wanted to be a lawyer. You know how hard I worked to get into college. You, of all people, should understand why I’m not completely fulfilled.”
Patrick sat on the couch. He sighed. “I know. But we don’t have the money to put you through law school right now.”
“Can I at least try? Let me try to get some financial aid, maybe even a scholarship. I won’t know until I at least try.” Misha sat down next to him. “I’m feeling empty inside, Patrick. I need this. Please.”
Patrick sat so still, Misha wondered if he was breathing. “Misha, look me in my eyes and tell me that this feeling of emptiness has nothing at all to do with your past lifestyle.”
Misha knew this was it. She inched her body closer to her husband. Misha put her hands on Patrick’s waist. She stared directly into his pain-stricken eyes.
“It has absolutely nothing to do with my past. I gave that up, Patrick, and I don’t want it. I just want to be happy with you and our son.”
Patrick stared into his wife’s eyes. He searched for any sign that she was lying, but saw nothing. He let out a sigh of relief. Patrick couldn’t take seeing Misha in so much pain. He put his arm around her.
“Fine. I don’t want to see you unhappy. See what you can do, and we will work on it from there.”
Misha felt a warm sensation come over her body. She threw her arms around him. She kissed his lips. His beard no longer bothered her, and she found herself aroused. Patrick pulled Misha close. She pulled his shirt over his head. Her name and Jaylin’s name were tattooed over his right bicep. She kissed her name.
Patrick entered her. Her wetness covered his shaft. She was wetter than she had been in a very long time. She moaned for more as he made love to her. It wasn’t the touch of a woman that excited her. It was the strong touch of a man. His massive arms made her feel safe in every way. The hardness of his body was something no woman could match. He let out a loud groan when he came. She could feel his seeds rushing through her body.
He sat up. “I think I just made you pregnant with that one, baby.” He smiled.
Misha turned her head. She knew it was one secret she couldn’t tell, or it would mark the end of their relationship, and losing him—or having another child— was something she wasn’t willing to do. She locked it away in the vault of secrets, which was growing. She could never tell him that she didn’t want another child or that she still craved women.
Chapter 18
“So, superstar, how does it feel to be home?” Carmen said as she plopped down on her plush couch next to Denise.
“Believe it or not, it feels great.” Denise smiled as Nic joined them, sitting down in her recliner chair.
Denise wanted to enjoy her two last months. In two months she would be leaving to spend the next six months of her life on a remote island in the Caribbean to shoot the next installment in the Fast and Furious series. Although in interviews most actors said it was amazing to shoot films in gorgeous places, Denise had heard the behind-the-scenes talk of long hours, the hot sun, bugs, and dirt. Even though the stories put her on edge, she was still excited. If she was going to be an actress, at least she got to be a gun-toting, fast-car-driving actress.
“So you are okay about Cameron?” Nic took a sip from her favorite mug.
“Yeah, it’s cool. I mean, sure I would have loved to do it, but in the end Fast just was a better fit for now. And the Aqua movie is a great opportunity.”
“I’m just glad you came to visit.” Carmen hugged Denise. Denise put her arm around her best friend. She felt bad that missing Carmen was not the entire motivation for her visit.
Denise couldn’t take it anymore. She felt as though the amazing feeling she had had with Farih must have been left behind in their apartment in New York. As soon as they made it to Atlanta, the super-short honeymoon was over.
Farih without a job was almost as bad as Farih with a job. As soon as they landed in Atlanta, it was the Farih and Denise show. Farih felt the need to be on the scene at all times. Denise knew the reason why. Farih finally ha
d fame again, and she was doing everything in her power not to let it go. Once again the Farih she loved was gone, now replaced with an attention-seeking. always-on-the-scene Farih. She didn’t have an attitude, unless Denise didn’t want to go to some swanky nightclub where they could be seen and photographed. Denise missed the days of chilling in the house and calling for late-night takeout.
What made matters worse was that Farih seemed to want to go out only with Denise. Denise didn’t know when the dependency had started, but since making it to Atlanta, it had only gotten worse. Farih used to go out with her model friends all the time in New York without Denise. Now she didn’t want to go anywhere without her. Denise needed a break before she did something she might regret in the end.
“So this wedding . . . Canada, aye?”
Carmen’s face lit up at Denise’s words. Nic had managed to talk Carmen out of a royal wedding, but she had only talked her into something else, a destination wedding. Carmen and Nic knew that in Tennessee the only thing they could do was exchange vows that would mean absolutely nothing. They decided they wanted to go somewhere they could legally be married, even if when they returned to Tennessee, it wouldn’t mean a thing.
“Well, Canada is on the list,” Carmen replied. “It’s that or just going to Lena’s house in the Hamptons since gay marriage is legal in New York too. Those are two of the best options. Canada is awesome, but Lena’s house is free.”
“And I mean, who wants to get married in Iowa?” Nic frowned.
“What about Mass? You could go to P-Town.” Denise offered her little bit of knowledge. She had hosted an event in the small town on the extreme tip of Cape Cod, which was a lesbian and gay paradise. Denise had fallen in love with the friendly locals and the old beauty. “I mean, it kinda reminds me of the Hamptons but super gay.”
“We thought about that, but again, we can have Hamptons luxury for free.” Nic nodded.
“But Canada is Canada,” Carmen added.
“Well, whatever you choose, I’m sure it will be perfect.” Denise gave Carmen a peck on her cheek, causing Carmen to blush. Denise hated that her friend’s main issue was financial. Nic wanted to be responsible, whereas the free spirit Carmen didn’t want to look at numbers when it came to her life. Denise understood Nic’s concerns. Even though she had money now, it was only a few years ago that she didn’t have much at all. The three sat in silence. Denise closed her eyes. “Man, this is the life.”
“What? Hollywood’s not all it’s cracked up to be?” Nic asked and glanced at Carmen, giving her a look that said “I told you so.” Carmen rolled her eyes.
“Oh, it’s everything you think, and then some. But this, this is living.”
“Is something wrong?” Carmen instantly picked up on Denise’s emotions.
“Nah. It’s just . . . I miss this. Just being able to kick it without any fame shit, ya know. If I was in Atlanta right now, I wouldn’t have homemade fried chicken and be chilling with my friends.”
“What about Cooley?” Nic asked.
“What about Cooley? She’s so busy, I hardly ever see her. That girl is focused. She hasn’t even been able to go catch up with Sahara on tour yet.”
“Damn.” Nic shook her head.
“How are things with Farih?” Carmen asked. She could feel that Denise was leaving out important information.
“They’re okay,” Denise lied. She didn’t want Carmen to worry. “I guess I’m just homesick.”
Carmen let out a loud chuckle. “Not Miss I Can’t Wait to Get the Fuck Out of Memphis.”
Denise smiled. “Yeah, I know. But there were some good things about Memphis. My grandma Mema, you guys, school.” Denise thought about Lena. “Those years at Freedom, even with the drama, were great.”
They all thought about Denise’s statement. Their lives had changed drastically since college. Denise was right: Their college years were full of ups and downs. Cooley and her share of crazy girlfriends, Carmen and her horrible taste in an ex-girlfriend, and Denise and her Lena love issues. Denise didn’t realize then how many good times they had had because of the craziness. She missed playing basketball and kicking it in their dorm rooms. She missed going to the club, where she would turn down every girl who even attempted to get with her. She had been so focused on graduating that she had let the good times pass by without pausing to reflect. She didn’t think about them then, but they were always on her mind now.
“Why don’t we go on campus?” Carmen sat up. “Don’t you know what weekend it is?” Carmen could tell by the lost look on their faces that she was the only one who actually had school spirit. “It’s alumni weekend, jerks.”
“Wow, it is the end of the year, isn’t it?” Denise could not help but think about Lena. It was during alumni weekend that Lena revealed that she wanted to sleep with Denise, though moments before Brandon had asked her to marry him. “I’m down.”
“Yea, and the Chi Thetas are coming out tonight, so that makes this even better. I’m sure they aren’t expecting a real live Hollywood star to be at their probate.”
“Hell, do I need to wear black and act like security?” Nic asked, joking with Denise about her fame.
Carmen jumped up to get dressed. She wouldn’t miss a chance to wear her sorority letters.
“Hey, I need to stop by my school real quick. I left my iPod in my desk, and if I don’t get it, I bet it won’t be there tomorrow,” Carmen said as she, Nic, and Denise drove to Freedom.
“It’s probably gone by now,” Nic joked.
The trio pulled into the teachers’ parking lot at Carmen’s school. They noticed Michael walking out of the building, wearing basketball shorts and a tee, covered in sweat. He waved as they got out of the car.
“Who is that?” Denise asked, wondering if she needed to stay in the car.
“That’s Carmen’s boyfriend.” Nic smiled.
“Shut up. Hey, Mike,” Carmen said as they walked up to each other. “What have you been doing?”
“Just decided to get a quick workout in at the gym before I left. What brings you back?”
“Left something in my desk. I’ll be right back.” Carmen skipped off, leaving the three together.
Michael looked at Denise. “Hey, aren’t you . . .”
“This is Denise.” Nic introduced the two.
“I remember you from the end of the year. I saw your movie. Very good.”
“Thank you, man.” Denise shook Michael’s hand. “So you are the reason I have to wake up and work out tomorrow morning?”
“Guilty.” Michael smiled. The new highlight of his morning was working out with Carmen. She had finally agreed to his 6:00 A.M. schedule. Seeing her in her spandex stiffened his manhood on a regular basis. “So you are joining us?”
“I haven’t decided yet, but she wants me to.”
The thought didn’t sit well with Michael. He didn’t want to share the little time he got with Carmen with the likes of anyone, not even a movie star.
“Well, I need to get going. Nic, Denise.” Michael quickly disappeared.
Denise looked at Nic. Nic laughed. “I told you.”
“Man, he does know she’s gay, right?”
“When has that ever stopped a man?” Nic quipped. She and Denise leaned against their car as Carmen came running back to the vehicle.
“Carmen, what’s with your dude? You know he’s trying to fuck, right?” Denise joked.
“He’s harmless. Just a friend.”
Denise shook her head. “Friend, my ass. That man is in love with you.”
“Told you.” Nic patted Carmen on her ass.
“Come on, so a guy can’t be friends with a lesbian without wanting to screw her?”
“Sure, but not that dude,” Denise said as they got back in the car. “You better check that before it gets out of hand. Most men aren’t going to spend this much time on a woman if they aren’t getting anything in return. One day he might expect you to pay up.”
“Like hell he will,” N
ic interjected.
“Okay, my two protectors. I’m good. Trust me. He’s just a friend. I actually think he’s dating someone.” Carmen knew she was lying. Michael’s flirtation gave her something to get her through the days with the kids, and she didn’t want to give it up yet.
A warm feeling came over Denise as they drove past memorable campus spots. She saw the route she took on her morning runs. She couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride when they passed the women’s gym, where she broke school records as a ballplayer. They passed the University Center where Cooley was confronted by a scorned lover named Cynthia their junior year and where Carmen finally stood up for herself after her ex Tameka had broken her heart for the last time. Mixed emotions came over Denise when they passed the hall where her ex Rhonda changed her life.
As much as she wanted to hate Rhonda, she couldn’t. Her ex was the reason for the complete change in her life. Their senior year, before Denise left for her new career on the New York Liberty, her ex went crazy. In a dorm room standoff Denise was stabbed while Rhonda attempted to attack Cooley. The injury and the bad press caused the Liberty to change their minds and drop Denise. With the help of her agent, Denise was able to book her first modeling job. Although the small scar would always be there, Rhonda’s attack gave her a new career and a new outlook on life. But sometimes she couldn’t help but wonder, What if . . .
“You okay?” Carmen had noticed the blank expression on Denise’s face.
“Yeah, I’m cool. I was just thinking about our old crazy days.”
“They were crazy.” Carmen smiled.
Denise nodded and continued to look out the window.
They pulled in front of Jamerson Hall, the dormitory named after Lena’s mother and where the Chi Theta coming-out would happen. Denise’s whole body tensed. She saw the parking spot where Lena had parked the first time she’d ever laid eyes on her. She remembered walking with Cooley, staring at the beautiful stranger. Denise thought about walking in to their room for the first time to see Lena standing on a chair. She could see Lena’s eyes when she caught her when she lost her balance on the chair.