by Clare Revell
Lou stood up. “I must get dressed.”
Mum caught her arm. “Are you sure you’re OK with this?”
“Yes. Like I told him last night, I couldn’t ask for a nicer stepdad. There is one thing though.”
“Anything. What?”
“After the wedding, when you move into Jack’s room, can I have your room? It’s got a bath and a shower in the en-suite.”
Mum laughed. “Of course. Will you do something for me?”
“Anything.”
“Will you be my chief bridesmaid?”
Lou flung her arms round her mother’s neck. “Of course. I’d love to. Thank you.” She let go just as the telephone began to ring.
“Nichola? Jack’s on the phone for you,” Jim called.
Lou got dressed and then went downstairs.
Mum was down just before her, with a pile of clothes in her arms. “Jack will be home soon,” she said. “We need to talk to you all, so don’t disappear.”
“OK.” Jim looked at Lou. “Do you know what’s going on?”
“Why should I?” Lou grinned. She’d noticed that her mother had taken off the engagement ring.
Staci left the room, still mumbling and scrawling in the notepad.
“What is she doing?” Lou asked.
“I take it that’s a rhetorical question,” Jim said. “Or do you really expect me to know?”
Ailsa gathered up her books. “I’m going to study in the den for a bit,” she said. “Call me when they want us, will you?”
“Sure. Do you want some help to study?”
“No thanks, Jim. Your idea of help is not what I had in mind.”
****
Jack arrived home just before one, having done a twelve-hour shift. Mum went out to meet him, while the others sat round the table in the dining room. Staci was still scribbling in the notepad. Lou sat silently, while Jim and Ailsa tried to guess what was going on. Jack and Mum came in and sat down.
“OK,” Jack began. “We’ve called this family meeting because there are things we need to tell you.”
Jim looked at him. “Family meeting?”
Jack looked round the table. “I used the word family deliberately. Last night I asked Nicky to marry me.” He took her hand, now displaying the ring. “She made me the happiest man alive when she said yes.”
“Congratulations,” Ailsa said. Jim and Staci added their congratulations too.
Jack smiled at them. “Of course,” he continued, “this will affect all of you. Jim lives here, and Staci will be living here whenever Bill and Di are away. Ailsa, you are as much a part of this family as any of us.” He winked at her. “I’m guessing wherever Jim goes, you’ll go too, but while he’s based here, you’re welcome to stay as well.”
She smiled. “Thank you.”
Jack looked at Lou. “I’d like to adopt you. If that’s OK?”
Lou grinned. “It’s more than OK, Uncle Jack.”
“Quit with the uncle.” He grinned. “You can take my surname or keep your dad’s surname or hyphenate and double barrel them or whatever, I don’t mind.”
“We’ve arranged the wedding for September 30,” Mum said.
“But Mum and Dad are away; they just left.” Jim frowned. “You can’t get married without them.”
“We’re not going to. They’ll be here for the wedding. Bill’s giving me away. Jack’s been doing a lot of plotting and planning without me. It seems he’s been taking lessons from you lot in how to be sneaky. And I’d like you girls to be my bridesmaids.”
“Yes, please,” Staci and Ailsa said together.
Jack looked at Lou. “Are you OK, Lou?” he asked. “You’re rather quiet.”
“I’ve got a headache,” she replied. “I’m really pleased for you both.”
Jim grabbed her hand under the table and squeezed it. He shot her an understanding glance. “She’s just lost for words,” he said. “She’s excited on the inside.”
Lou squeezed his hand gratefully. He knew her too well. It was just a shame— She broke off. Jim was with Ailsa now and she just had to accept that and move on.
“We need to go dress shopping then,” Mum said. “There is a lot to do and very little time to do it in. We’ll go now.”
Lou pushed slowly to her feet, just the thought of going out making her feel sick. But she’d do this for her mother.
Staci reluctantly left her notebook behind long enough to go shopping that afternoon. They were sworn to secrecy over the color but were all pleased with the dresses they ended up choosing, especially since Lou’s was floor length and hid her false leg.
Once they got home, Staci shut herself away with the notebook again.
Jack took Lou to one side, leaving Mum to make a start on dinner. “Lou, are you really OK with the wedding?” he asked.
Lou looked at him. “I’m fine about it, honestly. I’m just having a bad day, that’s all.”
Jack looked at her. “The truth.”
She sighed. “It’s the date you’ve chosen. September 30 is the day this happened. It’ll be the first anniversary of it.” She pointed to her leg.
Jack smiled. “Lou, honey. That’s one of the reasons we chose it. We know it will be a hard day for you. This will give you something else to remember the day for. If you have a problem with the wedding, please say so now.”
“No problem, honest. I’m looking forward to it.” She sucked in a deep breath. “Can you see if I can go talk to Dr. Andrews? She offered me some meds a while back to help with the anxiety issues and I think maybe…maybe I should try them.”
20
As the day of the wedding grew closer, Lou became more and more withdrawn. She was having a hard time coping, despite the medication and her newfound faith. She had begun to experience panic attacks brought on by the ever-increasing flashbacks.
So far she had managed to keep them secret, but they were getting progressively worse. Little things set them off at first—a smell or turn of phrase. As the anniversary of the shark attack approached, the attacks grew in intensity and frequency, getting to the point where the sound of running water or even rain could trigger a full-blown attack.
She could no longer go swimming and she no longer went out anywhere—except to church—but even that in itself was an ordeal. She was literally sick before they left and after they got back. She had also begun to experience nightmares like she had never done before. She blamed her inability to go out on her headaches. She knew she should get help, but that meant going outside. Besides, she felt she could only confide in Jack and he had more important things on his mind with the wedding coming up.
She’d seen Dr. Andrews a couple of times, but not being able to leave the house kyboshed any attempt at seeing her again before it had even started.
Mum and Jack had decided against having a honeymoon. Instead, they had opted to stay at home with their family. After a long talk with her mum, Lou decided to change her name to Fitzgerald, keeping Benson as a middle name. She’d assume it after the wedding, even though the official papers wouldn’t be through for several months yet. And she’d already decided to call Jack Dad after the wedding. That would be her own special present to him.
Mum and Jack had bought her a puppy, a cute golden Labrador they’d called Benjy, but she couldn’t bring herself to take him for a walk. Instead, she let one of the others do that, and she just played with him indoors.
The day of the hen/stag parties arrived. The wedding was only two days away and all the arrangements were completed. Both pre-wedding parties were being held at the same restaurant, although at different tables. Ailsa and Staci chatted excitedly while getting changed. Lou sat on her bed, watching them, feeling sick.
Staci looked at her through the mirror. “You’re not coming like that, are you?” she asked, brushing her hair. “It’s a posh restaurant. They won’t let you in wearing jeans.”
Lou rose and made a dash for the bathroom. It took longer than usual to control the heaves and sha
kes. She splashed cold water on her face and slowly opened the bathroom door. She headed into her room, closing the door behind her. A few seconds later, someone knocked on it.
“Come in.”
Jack opened the door and crossed over to Lou. “Staci says you’re not feeling so good.”
“I’ve got a headache,” Lou said shortly.
Jack looked at Ailsa. “Can you give us a minute?” he asked.
Ailsa nodded and left, shutting the door behind her.
As soon as she had, Jack sat on the bed next to Lou, his eyes full of concern. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “You’ve been looking forward to this evening and planning it for ages.”
“I’ve got a headache. Nothing much I can do about it.”
“You’ve been having way too many headaches recently. You’ve had to give up swimming and your physio because of them. And you’ve lost weight where you aren’t eating properly. Maybe I should take you to see the doc tomorrow.”
Lou pulled a face and leaned back on the pillows. “I’m fine. It’ll go. I’ll sleep it off.”
“Are you sure there is nothing else worrying you?”
Lou looked away. “I’ll be fine.”
“Is it the wedding?” Jack asked. “Are you having second thoughts?”
“Jack, you’re marrying Mum, not me.”
“You know what I mean.”
Lou smiled at him. “No, I’m not having second thoughts. Now, you guys need to go or you’ll be late. Please give Mum my apologies. See you when you get back.”
Jack watched her for a minute or two and then left the room, shutting the door behind him.
Lou lay with her eyes closed, listening to the others chatting in the hall and calling goodbyes up the stairs to her. The front door shut and car doors banged. As the car started and pulled away, Lou opened her eyes. She sat up on the bed.
She desperately wanted to go, but just couldn’t face going outside. She grabbed her crutches and swung herself across to the wardrobe where her bridesmaid dress hung. She opened the door and looked at it. It was beautiful, but she had lost so much weight, it didn’t really fit anymore. Ailsa had carefully added ties to the back of the dress, under the bow, so she could adjust it on the day itself.
As she looked at the dress, the familiar panic rose within her. She’d never make the wedding, she realized as she threw up again. But if she didn’t go, her mother and Jack would get the wrong idea. They would assume that she didn’t approve and nothing could be further from the truth. She loved Jack as much as she had her father. She was looking forward to him becoming her new dad. The problem wasn’t them getting married; the problem was it meant her leaving the house. If it rained, it would trigger an attack. Or she may have one anyway. She couldn’t allow that to happen. Everyone would see. Bad enough they’d see her false leg and not her.
She pulled her phone across and rang the base. “Could I speak to Dr. Andrews please?” She got put on hold and eventually someone in the infirmary answered. “Hi,” she repeated. “This is Lou Benson. Could I speak to Dr. Andrews please?”
“I’m afraid she’s not on duty right now. Would you like to speak to the duty doctor instead?”
Lou sighed. “No. Just tell her I rang.”
Benjy jumped onto her bed and curled up next to her.
Lou rubbed his ears. “Glad you’re here,” she whispered. “You’re like Jack. You don’t replace the ones who’ve gone on ahead; you just help us learn to love again.”
****
The night before the wedding, Jack slept at the base, so as not to see Mum. Lou as usual didn’t sleep much, if at all, and threw up first thing.
Jim caught her as she came out of the bathroom. “Isn’t it the bride who’s supposed to throw up? Or are you afraid your mum won’t turn up and you’ll have to marry Jack instead?” he joked. He looked closely at her. “Are you OK? You look dreadful.”
“I’m gonna be sick again.” She ran back into the bathroom.
Jim waited at a respectable distance until she came out. “Lou,” he began.
“Don’t tell Mum,” she replied. “I’ve got a headache. That’s what’s making me sick.”
“Are you gonna manage today?”
“I have to.” She went into her room and sat on the bed. She began to shake and couldn’t stop.
Staci glanced up. “Lou, can I borrow your per— You OK?” she asked.
Lou didn’t answer.
Then seemingly the next minute, her mum was there. “What’s wrong, darling?” she asked.
Lou shook her head, shaking so much she was unable to reply. This was the last thing she wanted. She was ruining everything.
Mum looked at Ailsa, who’d followed her in. “Ring Jack.”
“But you’re not supposed to see him.”
“Never mind that. Just go ring him and get him here.”
Fifteen minutes later, Jack dashed up the stairs. He shooed the others out of the room. “I’ll see to her.”
Ailsa looked at Jack. “Sorry to drag you back here. Nichola insisted I call you.”
“That’s OK.” He crossed over to the bed and sat next to Lou.
Lou sat on the bed, drenched in sweat. She was still shaking and gasping for breath, tears streaming down her face.
Jack gathered her into his arms, holding her tightly. He spoke calmly, rocking her gently until the shaking stopped and her breathing was no longer coming in ragged gasps. He stroked her hair and held her, still talking softly and calmly until the storm of tears had passed. When it had, he loosened his grip, but not releasing her entirely. He handed her the tissues.
Lou took one. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t want to spoil your day.”
“You haven’t spoilt anything. It’s OK, honey. You’re safe now. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“It isn’t always this bad.”
“How long has it been going on?”
“A while. It started off with little things, but it has been getting worse. The headaches were the cover story,” Lou admitted. “I can’t go out in case it rains. I can’t even swim because it reminds, reminds...me...of...” She broke off, panic rising within her again.
Jack tightened his grip. “Calm down. Nice deep breaths. That’s it.”
Lou tried to do as he said.
“You need to talk these things through,” Jack told her. “You need to see a counselor. And you do it soon. Doc Andrews said that one would come here if you’d find it easier to start with. You can’t keep it bottled up. Promise me you’ll talk to someone.”
“I’m not crazy.”
“No one said you are. This is a normal reaction to a traumatic event. You just need to talk it through, that’s all. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Promise?”
“I promise. And it’s S.O.P. for any solider returning from a war zone. No one thinks them crazy.”
“OK. I’ll talk to her.”
Jack hugged her. “Good girl.”
Jim knocked and stuck his head round the door. “Sorry to interrupt. Only time’s getting on. We only have an hour before we have to leave.”
“I must go,” Jack said, giving Lou a final hug before releasing her. “I have to get changed and meet Ed. Will you be OK now?”
Lou nodded.
“This is that prescription you got but never filled.” Jack took a container from his pocket and pressed it into her hand. “One now, one tonight, and then one in the morning. The doc wants to see you soon.”
“Thanks, Jack. See you at the church.”
Jack stood up. He left, pausing on the landing. “I’m going now, Nicky. It’s safe to come out. See you in church. Don’t be late.”
“I wouldn’t dare,” came the reply. As the front door slammed shut, Mum came into Lou’s room and sat next to her. “Are you OK, love?”
“I think so. Thanks for calling him. I’m sorry, Mum. I didn’t want to spoil your day.”
“Oh, Lou.” Mum hugged her. “You can’t keep
things bottled up like this. You need to talk to someone. And you haven’t spoilt anything.”
“That’s almost word for word what Jack said.”
“There you are then. It must be true.”
“Here you are,” Jim said, handing Lou a glass of water.
Lou took it and swallowed one of the tablets Jack had given her. “Thanks, Jim,” she said. She looked at Mum. “Do you want a hand to get into your dress?”
“If you feel up to it, love.”
“Course I do. It’s your big day. Can’t have you late for it, can we?”
As the cars arrived to collect them, Staci put down the notebook. “It’s finished,” she said triumphantly.
“Good,” Jim said. “Perhaps now you can concentrate on us for a change.”
“Don’t you even want to know what it is?” Staci asked, a hurt expression covering her face.
“Later, kiddo,” he said, straightening his tie and putting on his jacket.
Ailsa grinned. “You look very smart, Jim,” she said.
“And you look beautiful,” he replied.
Ailsa did a twirl. “Thank you,” she said, the full skirt billowing around her.
“What about me?” Staci said.
“You look gorgeous too, kiddo.”
The lilac satin dresses fell to the floor, with puffed sleeves, bows on the overskirts and at the back, and very full skirts. The necklines were heart-shaped and the necklines, sleeves, and bodices had piping and sequins on them.
A cough from upstairs made them look round. Mum stood at the top of the stairs.
Jim said, “Wow. You look amazing.” Her ivory dress was similar in style to the bridesmaids, with the exception of the overskirt and the addition of long sleeves and a three-foot train. The bodice was also covered in sequins. Her long hair hung in ringlets with a short sequined veil and a simple floral headdress.
Lou held the crutches tightly. Despite the tablets, she felt sick and nervous, but was determined not to show it.
Bill offered Nichola an arm. “Let’s go.”
21
They arrived at the base chapel five minutes early, to be met by an honor guard of airmen extending from the lych-gate to the church door. The organ was playing and Lou leaned down to arrange Mum’s train, balancing on one crutch as she did so. She straightened up and caught hold of both crutches. She nodded to the chaplain and he went inside to tell Jack they had arrived.