He shrugged. “Well, I wanted to make sure that you were aware of the limited time I have… and to make sure that it was something you’d want.”
“Oh,” I sighed.
He smiled, but his usually confident façade was slipping. “Yeah.”
I bit my lip and stared at the greatest ice cream in the world that was melting in my hands.
“Well, um, obviously the time thing sucks,” I replied slowly, impressed that my voice was holding even. “But why live in the future just to waste the present?”
He glanced up at me, his eyebrow lifting as if the words were the last thing that he expected me to say.
“So, you’re saying that we should just go with it and see what happens?” he asked.
“Sure why not?” I smiled, returning to my dessert.
He nodded. “Just promise me that you’ll let me know if things get…”
“Right, I promise not to fall in love with you or anything.”
He made a noise of amusement that made embarrassment creep up from the pit of my stomach.
Good one, Alice, way to act casual about the whole thing.
“If they get too much,” he finished.
I gave a nod. “I will always tell you the truth.”
“Good.”
And with that, the subject was dropped as quickly as it had been initiated. We didn’t talk much as we finished eating the little cups of heaven. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I just focused intently on my ice cream, and if James didn’t fall for it, he didn’t say so.
Relief sat in my stomach next to the anticipation of what would come next. What would come next? My mind started working in overdrive, in reaction to his sudden interest in me. It wasn’t possible. It was James. James would never want someone like me. A part of me wondered what had compelled him to pursue me, whether it was the innocent stirrings of his friends, or whether he’d realised on his own after all these years that I was in front of him. I didn’t want to consider that maybe he was just lonely, and since he was leaving soon, it was a good opportunity to see whether there was anything between us without making it serious. I didn’t want to consider it, but I was not naïve enough to not let it enter into my mind.
James dropped me home after we’d finished and, in an unexpected change of events, he walked me to my door without prompting; and then something else changed. The atmosphere surrounding us, the bubble got thicker, hazier. It was horribly awkward.
I opened my arms to hug him as he stepped in for a kiss. Misreading his intentions, I moved to give him a quick peck before continuing to a hug. My eyes shot open in shock when his mouth didn’t move from mine, and I belatedly realised that I was, in fact, being kissed, and I wasn’t doing it right at all. My mind kicked into gear, throwing me off, and by the time it had sent the message to my lips to do something, he was already pulling away. I stepped forward, and fell off the step I was on, then let my arms, that were still half-frozen for the hug that never came, fall back to my side.
His eyebrows rose with surprise, and I couldn’t feel what expression was plastered on my face because I was too numb. I would have gladly melted into thin air with absolute humiliation.
“Well, see you,” he said, managing a shy smile.
“B-bye.”
I tried to wave and cursed my awkward arms again. He started to walk away, and I shook my head in frustration. I couldn’t let him walk away, not like that.
“So, that was really awkward,” I called after him.
James turned and chuckled. “Yes, it was.”
“I’m a little out of practice.”
“I probably just took you by surprise.”
I nodded. “That too.”
He slipped his hands in his pockets and looked down at his expensive shoes. “We’ll get better with practice.”
“Practice.” I smiled. “Something to look forward to.”
He looked up and laughed. “Yeah, we might need a lot of practice.”
I bit my lip and James hesitated, half turning to leave.
“Wait.” I exhaled, skipping over to him before I could chicken out.
He raised his eyebrows as I lifted my hands to the sides of his face. He didn’t move, he just watched as I assessed the beauty in his features. He was patient, silent, as I lifted to my tip-toes to gently press my lips to his. At first, he didn’t react. It was as if he was letting me explore the sentiment on my own, but then, when I was about to pull away, he wound his arms around me, binding my body against his. The intensity of the embrace scared me. It made me feel like I would combust with desire. His soft lips moved against mine like an artist moulding clay, burning the fire through my body and into the ground beneath me. Too soon, he pulled away, and I almost toppled over again. He smiled in smug satisfaction.
“Practice makes perfect,” he murmured, reaching to take my hand. He lifted it to his lips. “I’ll call you.”
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I watched him leave and wondered, as my spinning head began to slow and reality sank in, how on earth I had just managed to kiss James Butler.
Chapter 4
Complicated
James didn’t call. Not that I particularly expected him to, despite checking my phone neurotically for the next two days to make sure it was switched on and still working. It was.
On the third day, I succeeded with great effort to put the kiss behind me, or at least convince myself that it had been a vivid dream. Of course, that was the day he decided to call. It was Tuesday, and he asked me to go around to his house and hang out after work. In a snap decision of agreement, and I spent the rest of the day agonising over how things might play out. Would I kiss him hello? What would we do when I went around? Would he expect more from me? What would he expect from me? What were we now? Did it matter?
All my worrying seemed futile when I arrived at his house to find Scott there lounging across one of the white couches. I hadn’t seen James in a T-shirt since he was seventeen and in high school, but today he wore one with denim shorts. It really made him look like the young heartbreaker that I remembered.
“Hey, Alice. Come on in,” He said with a grin. “You remember Scotty.”
I smiled at the blond boy with the chiselled jawline beside James. He looked as though he’d just woken up.
“Hi,” I said. I could hear the quiver in my voice and hoped the boys didn’t.
“Hey,” Scott replied.
“How was work?” James asked.
I shrugged. “It was work.”
“Can I get you anything? A drink?”
“No. Thanks.”
“Have a seat,” James said. He gestured to the other couch as he sat down beside Scott. I waited for a moment before reacting, mostly because his behaviour confused me. Had he forgotten our kiss from the other day? Did he regret it? I sat down and waited for what would come next.
Scott’s phone chimed and he groaned.
James chuckled. “Ball and chain?”
“It’s not like that, why do you talk about her like that?” Scott mumbled.
“You’re the one that groaned.” James shrugged. “I thought you were breaking up with her anyway.”
Scott sighed. “It’s a little complicated.”
“Greg’s not keen on it?”
“Kylie’s not keen on it.”
“You’d stay with Nina because her friend wants you to?” James rolled his eyes. “Do you know how nuts that sounds?”
“Relationships are hard enough without the motivation behind them being skewed,” I added. The two boys turned towards me as if to just remember I was still there.
James looked down and Scott smirked.
“And what about you, Alice?” he asked. “What motivates you?”
I didn’t have an answer, so I pinned my lips together. There was a knock at the door and Scott rose to answer it as James’ eyes met mine. He shuffled down the couch towards me and smiled.
“Can I ask you something?” I whis
pered.
He nodded. “Of course.”
“Why did you want me to come here?” I asked. I felt embarrassed to even verbalise it, but clearly, he didn’t intend on doing anything.
He shrugged. “I thought you might want to hang out.”
“Okay.”
“Is it okay?”
“I’m just a bit confused,” I replied, glancing towards the door to see Scott with a young auburn-haired girl. I assumed it was his girlfriend, Nina. They didn’t seem to have any interest in James and me.
“You’re confused because I want to hang out with you?” James asked with a frown.
I drew in a breath and slowly shook my head, becoming surer of myself as it moved. He slid from the other couch to sit beside me.
“Then what are you confused about?”
I rested my head back. “What made you change your mind?”
His head fell back too, so his eyes were level with mine. “About what?”
“About not starting anything before you leave.”
His eyes glanced to the side. “We’re not really starting anything, are we?”
“Well… no, I suppose not.”
“And I guess I wasn’t really looking for anything.” He shrugged. “But as long as the girl understood that there was an end date, and we agreed on that…”
“A gentleman’s agreement.” I nodded, resisting the urge to roll my eyes.
“Right.” A wry smile curved his lips, causing his soft blue-green eyes to sparkle. “But, I mean, the whole hanging out with benefits thing… most girls wouldn’t be into that.”
“Well, that makes me feel better.” I scoffed. “That’s what every girl wants to hear.”
He sat forward. “Well, Alice, I’m gone in two months, and it’s not as if I’ll be sending ‘I miss you’ messages to you every day.”
I folded my arms across my chest, where my heart used to beat. “Nice, James.”
He laughed and shook his head. “Look, maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore.”
Regardless of how cheap I felt, the thought made me frown. “Why?”
Scott and Nina made their way into the lounge room and James shuffled closer, lowering his voice.
“Because I don’t want you to get hurt,” he whispered.
I felt like I was drowning in his eyes. “Why don’t you let me worry about that?”
“Are you sure?”
“Don’t worry, James. I told you that I won’t fall in love with you.”
Too late…
He frowned and shifted in his seat.
“What?” I laughed.
He shook his head. “Don’t even joke about that.”
“What’s your problem?”
James glanced at Scott and Nina, then leant towards me.
“You know this isn’t like that. I’m not your boyfriend. We’re not doing that.”
“I know because you keep reminding me that this is just a time-filler,” I said a little curtly. “And I’m, you know, agreeing with you.”
“So, James has finally found himself a girl?” Nina’s musical voice asked. It was soft and lovely. She sounded kind.
“Oh, hello, Nina. You’re here,” James answered, not nearly as pleasantly. I slapped James in the arm with the back of my hand.
“What he means is that I’m not his girl. We’re just old friends hanging out,” I replied, hearing the condescension in my voice. “I’m Alice. You must be Nina.”
“I guess you’ve heard a lot about me,” she said, then smiled warmly at Scott. My returning smile felt sympathetic.
“I wouldn’t say a lot, but your name has definitely come up,” I replied as lightly as I could.
Scott shot James a look that I probably wasn’t supposed to see.
James cleared his throat. “Well, Alice and I were about to go and get some ice cream.”
He stood up and he held out his hand. I wasn’t sure whether his haste to leave was due to the fact that he apparently didn’t trust me enough to not say anything else to Nina, or because he wanted to give them space so Scott could break up with her. Regardless, I wasn’t really in the mood for ice cream, even the best tasting ice cream in the world with the guy of my dreams. Even if most of the time he didn’t deserve that title.
I stood up, ignoring his outstretched hand. “You know, I might just head home. It’s been a long day.”
“What?” James frowned. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “Yep, I’m really tired.”
“Alice, let me buy you ice cream. You can’t really, honestly say no to ice cream.”
“It sounds like she’s saying no to you, Jamesy,” Nina said with a giggle.
James shot Nina a silencing look and I suppressed a smile.
“It was nice to meet you, Nina, and, Scott, it was good to see you again,” I said.
“You too, Alice,” Scott answered, pressed his lips together as he glanced at James.
James rolled his eyes. “For goodness sake, Alice, you just got here.”
“And now I’m going,” I replied. “That’s the beauty of friendship – fly-by visits.”
James tipped his head back and I headed to the door, waving at Scott and Nina as I went. I could hear him in tow behind me and resisted the urge to turn and confront him. I had reached my car before he demanded my attention back. His hand pushed my door closed as I opened it.
“Alice,” he sighed, pinning me between himself and the car. “What’s going on?”
I exhaled. “I’m leaving, that’s what’s going on.”
“But I thought we were going to hang out,” he said, and then pouted in a way that was irresistible to me. I closed my eyes to not be influenced by his charm.
“I can’t, not today. Come by the shop tomorrow though. We can do coffee or something.”
His fingers tipped my chin up, and I opened my eyes.
“Tomorrow,” he said.
I nodded.
He thought for a moment. “Then what am I going to do now?”
“Read? Go for a walk? I don’t know, James, I’m not your keeper.” I laughed a little breathlessly and his fingers moved to brush my neck before running off the ends of my hair.
“Or you could come and get ice cream with me?” he offered.
“James, not today.”
He seemed to sober quickly, reaching to open my door as he took a step back. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Tomorrow then,” I answered. Tomorrow couldn’t come fast enough. Why, again, was I saying no to him now?
“Enjoy your afternoon.”
“Okay, you too,” I said, climbing in my car. “See you tomorrow.”
James smiled weakly, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I started my car and shifted into reverse. I felt as though all the progress we’d made had been flushed away in the last twenty minutes. I drove away feeling uneasy.
I hated that feeling.
**
“Alice, this is crazy, you need to eat,” Maria sighed. She was following me around The Red Chandelier with a container of food as I cleaned the following day. It was a little after twelve-thirty, and the feeling of apprehension still hadn’t gone away. In fact, it felt as though it had multiplied and transformed into giant, mutant moths in my stomach.
“He said he was coming, so he’ll be here,” I replied. “I’ll take my lunch break then.”
I could hear myself and knew how I sounded. I wanted to believe that I wasn’t being naïve and that James would walk in the door at any moment. But why would today be any different? Why would he decide to honour his word today? Even I had to admit that, as the clocked ticked over to two o’clock and he still hadn’t shown, it wasn’t a good sign. He still hadn’t turned up as it ticked over to two thirty. At a quarter to three, with just shy of an hour left of my shift, I began to accept that he’d let me down. Again.
Maria still hadn’t left after her short-planned visit. For that, I was both glad and sorry at the same time. It was getting a little painful
to keep up the façade, even if her company was worth it.
“Caro me, my new boss just walked in,” Maria murmured in her silky Italian tongue.
“Who? The knowledgeable, arrogant…” I smiled and glanced up, letting my words trail off. I felt my stomach clench as if someone had gripped it with their fist.
“Hey, Potter,” he said, lifting his eyebrows. I was too disappointed to react.
“James,” I breathed.
“James?” Maria echoed. “This is your James?”
I gave a nervous laugh. “He’s not my James.”
“It’s nice to meet you.” James grinned, extending a hand towards Maria. “Are you a friend of Alice’s?”
“Si—I mean, yes,” Maria said. “I also work at Eclipse, in the restaurant.”
“Oh, no kidding.” James nodded. “I don’t remember seeing you.”
I bit my lip.
“So, how’s your day been?” he asked turning to me as he leant against one of the floating walls. “I, for one, have gotten a lot done today. I’ve organised all my visas and things for travel.”
I felt my fury melt away. How could I stay angry at him when we were running out of time? How could I be so selfish when he needed the days to prepare for his future?
“Oh,” I sighed. “Great.”
“So how have you been today?” he asked again. His eyes were clear and earnest, and he seemed to have either forgotten that Maria was there, or was simply ignoring her. Butler pride. “Been busy?”
“Not, um, not really,” I answered slowly. “I’m actually pretty tired today. It’s gone a little slow.”
He smiled. “Oh well, you’re almost finished aren’t you?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, well I’m going to go. I’ll catch you later.”
I felt my eyebrows lift. Was he leaving? Already? He’d just got here.
“I’m, um, working tomorrow,” I replied. “If you’re in the neighbourhood.”
“Okay, cool.” He nodded. “I should have more time then, so I might swing by, all right?”
Was that really a question? “Right.”
He smiled, gave a parting nod at Maria, then left.
He left. Disappeared.
Maria frowned at me.
“You are a fool, Alice,” she sighed. “That boy is no good for you.”
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