I missed James a lot, and although my heart felt shattered in every way, I began to realise that I needed to keep it beating for the life inside of me. No matter how lonely I felt, I wouldn’t be alone forever, and I needed make sure that I was strong for our baby.
At the eight-week mark since James had left, my abdomen began to swell like a bee sting. It felt bizarre, but I liked it. I liked knowing that what grew inside of me was part of both James and I. Acceptance eventually took over, and I felt an extreme warmth when I thought about meeting our child, even if James would never know them.
“Ciao,” Maria said. She walked over to where I was sitting on the floor and knelt beside me. It was Thursday, and she and Scott were flying out the next day.
“Hi,” I replied.
“Tough day?” she asked.
“They’re all tough.”
She held out her hand. “Come on.”
“Where?”
“Dinner party. I have prepared something for us all.”
“All?”
Maria smiled. “Scott, Logan, Nina, Greg, and Kylie – if she wants. She and Greg are fighting again.”
“Again,” I sighed. “Didn’t they break up?”
She rolled her eyes. “They were back together, now they are fighting. Who knows with those two?”
“At least they care enough to fight for each other.”
“Alice.”
“I’m okay,” I said.
“Yes, you are. You are great.”
I exhaled. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I will always be only a phone call away,” she answered. “Besides, I need to stay updated on your little bambino.”
I nodded.
“Smile,” she whispered. “Ti amo.”
I smiled weakly. “Love you too.”
**
The dinner was lovely, and everyone was there, even Kylie. Things seemed a little frosty between her and Greg, but they both made an effort for Scott and Maria.
Scott and Maria, the lovebirds ready to embark on their own adventure.
Logan and Nina, newly engaged and expecting a baby.
Then there was me, alone. No, not alone – with a child. I would never be alone again.
I went to the airport with Logan and Nina the next morning to see Scott and Maria off. It was comforting to go through the motions, despite the fact it was painful to lose more people that I loved from my life.
“Do you want to get morning tea somewhere?” Nina asked as Logan drove me home. “I’ve got the biggest craving for a ham and cheese croissant.”
I smiled. “No, thanks. I should get to work.”
“Work?” Logan asked. “Seriously?”
“I can’t afford to miss anymore,” I answered. “My boss has been patient enough with me.”
They both understood.
When I got home, I got changed and headed straight into work. It was almost lunchtime by then, but there was still a lot of work to catch up on. We were two staff members down due to illness, so those who were there needed to work twice as hard to get everything done. I ended up staying back to complete my full eight hours, and I was near the point of collapsing when I eventually made it back home. I barely had enough energy to eat, but my stomach begged for food. Once I wouldn’t have bothered too much, but I had more than just myself to consider now.
I made bacon and eggs for dinner, then brushed my teeth and headed straight to bed. I didn’t have work on Saturday, so I was glad for the opportunity to catch up on sleep. I woke up at eleven-twenty the next morning and, for once, felt well-rested. I got up slowly and made myself some breakfast and, as I was cleaning up, there was a knock at my door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, so didn’t hurry to answer it.
My heart stopped as I opened the door and blinked at the figure who stood before me. I didn’t react right away because I didn’t trust my vision. I was sure I was hallucinating.
“Hello, Alice,” James said with a smile.
“James,” I answered.
He’s here, he’s back. Why was he back? Was it really him?
“Well, aren’t you going to invite me in?”
I continued to stare at him and moved my hand moved to my swollen abdomen. My heart was beating so quickly that it made my body shake. Moments passed and James looked down. I guess he knew that he had some explaining to do.
“I’m sorry, Alice,” he said quietly, but it wasn’t anywhere near enough.
“You just left, James,” I whispered. I couldn’t even shout because I was too afraid that I’d choke on my words. “You didn’t even say goodbye, you didn’t let me say goodbye. You ignored me for the whole day, and then you left. You just left.”
“I know.” He frowned. “I handled it badly. I just knew that if I had to face you, I wouldn’t have had the strength to leave.”
“Now that’s selfish.”
“Maybe, but it’s also true.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t call; you didn’t message me, or email me. I heard nothing from you for two months, and now you think you can just turn up on my doorstep with an apology? What do you expect from me?”
He bit his lip. “I don’t know, Alice. I don’t know what to say.”
I swallowed back tears. “You hurt my heart, James.”
His face crumpled. “Just tell me, Alice, tell me what would make you happy and I’ll do it. Anything, just say the word.”
“No. It’s too late, James.”
“Please don’t say that, Alice,” he said as anguish creased his brow. “I’ll do anything.”
“No, you don’t make me feel good about myself. I wish things were different, James. I really wish that they were different, but they’re not. You’re not, and you keep getting my hopes up and then walking away as they fall. Then I’m left to pick up the pieces.”
“Not this time, Alice. I promise.”
“What is going to be different this time, James?” I asked. “What do you want from me?”
“You,” he breathed. “Just you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes I do,” he said. His voice was strong with conviction, and it broke me.
“Don’t say that. I can’t take it,” I sobbed. “I can’t take you saying these things to me when I know you’re just going to leave me again.”
“No, I’m not. I’m not leaving you again, Alice. I’m here, I love you, and I’m just doing what it takes to be with you, simple as that.”
I frowned. “You—you love me?”
I’d wanted to hear him say those words to me for so long, but now that he was saying them, I wanted him to take them back. Those words had the power to break me as much as they had the power to build me up.
“Yes, Alice I love you,” he said. “And I will tell you that every day, and every minute, for as long as it takes for you to believe me.”
I shook my head. “No, you don’t. Stop.”
He stepped forward and rested his hands on my forearms.
“No, Alice, you stop,” he answered. “Why don’t you believe me?”
“Because I know you, James.”
“Then you know that me being here when I should be in Europe is my way of making some kind of grand gesture to prove the way I feel about you.”
Right, Europe.
“What about Europe?” I asked. “The experience, the hotels?”
“That’s not important right now. My priority is you.”
I stared at James. It was definitely him standing before me, but his words did sound like they belonged to him. They sounded more like something…
“Did Scott say something to you?” I asked. “Are you back because of the baby?”
James frowned. “Baby? You mean Nina’s baby?”
“No… our baby.”
His eyebrows lifted. “Our baby? What do you mean? Are you pregnant?”
“So, he didn’t tell you.”
“Tell me?”
His eyes dropped to my hand, which still rested protectively
over my abdomen. He was silent, without so much as a breath, then he looked up. As his eyes met mine, his face was a mixture of wonder and panic, which quickly melted into warm affection as a smile stretched across his face.
“We’re having a baby?” he asked. “You and I?”
I nodded numbly.
“We’re going to be a family?”
I shrugged. “I guess that’s up to you.”
He smiled and reached up to brush the tears from my cheek. I hadn’t even realised I was still crying.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry that it’s me you’re stuck with.”
I stepped back “Stuck with? Don’t you know, James? You must know.”
“Know what?”
“You really don’t get it, do you? You really are blind.”
“Get what, Alice?”
I sighed. “That I’ve been hopelessly in love you with since high school.
James blinked and his expression looked blank. It was actually news to him.
I shook my head and headed back to the kitchen to put my dishes away. After a moment, James followed me.
“Hold on, high school?” James asked. “Alice, are you being serious right now? Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
I looked at him incredulously. “Are you being serious right now?”
“Vicky always used to make comments about it, but I thought she was just being a girl.”
“Apparently not.”
“But I thought… oh,” he sighed. I looked over at him, and he seemed to be having some kind of epiphany. His eyes were unseeing like his mind was far away.
“James?” I said.
“You just wanted to be with me,” he murmured. “I am such a blind idiot.”
“Apparently.”
“I’m sorry, Alice, really.”
I shook my head. “You need to stop apologising.”
“Well, I have a lot to be sorry for.”
“Then quit messing up.”
He smiled. “Okay.”
I folded my arms. “Right. So what happens now?”
“I guess that’s up to you.”
“Up to me?”
He walked towards me. “Yes. I’m here, Alice, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you and I want to be with you. I want to be there for our baby…and for all of our kids, all five of them, or however many you want. I want this. I want you. I want us.”
“You do?”
“I do.” He nodded. “But enough about what I want, what do you want?”
I stared at him. Here he was in my kitchen, the man of my dreams telling me everything that I’d ever wanted to hear –that he wanted me, that he wanted a family with me, and that he would never leave me again. What more did I want?
“So, what do you say, Alice?” he asked. “Will you take a chance on me?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know…”
“Okay,” he whispered. “I can give you some space to think about it.”
“No,” I said. “James.”
His eyes glistened with pain. “No?”
“No,” I answered. “I mean, yes.”
He blinked. “Yes?”
“No, I don’t need time to think,” I sighed. “When I said I don’t know, I meant that I don’t know why you even need to ask. Of course, I want to be with you, you fool. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
James exhaled. “Really?”
“Really,” I answered.
“Well, okay then,” he said, then walked forward to kiss me. Every cell within me felt alive and I felt as if I had woken after being in a deep sleep.
I sighed as we parted, and his forehead rested against mine.
“You’re not leaving,” I whispered.
“I’m never leaving again.”
I smiled. “Because you love me.”
“I do.”
“Did you miss me?”
He nodded. “More than you know.”
“I need you to promise me, James, because I can’t do this without you.”
His hand brushed my cheek. “I promise you, Alice. From now on, it’s you and me.”
“All right,” I whispered. “Now the hard part starts.”
“Well, I’m ready for it,” he said. “Whatever the future brings, we’ll face it together.”
“Together.” I nodded. “Deal.”
He kissed me. “Deal.”
Epilogue
Karma
James
Alice looked weak. I had never seen her look so weak before. She was so beautiful, so radiant, but so weak. Almost lifeless.
She ran her fingertip down our daughter’s cheek, her blue eyes glistening with adoration at the little life we’d created –the third little life we brought into the world together.
Madeline. Maddie. She was only four days old, but she was so beautiful, just like her mother. Bright blue eyes, blonde hair, perfect. I couldn’t imagine living without her.
“Where are the boys? Are they okay?” Alice asked tiredly. Her voice sounded like it was cracked and hollow, not trickling with life like it normally was. “I want to see them. I miss them already.”
“They are fine, sweetheart, they miss you too,” I said with a weak smile. “They’re with their Aunty Victoria, and their cousins, Anna and Holly. I’ll get Vicky to bring them down as soon as you’re feeling more up to it.”
The boys, our boys – Jacob and Dean. Jake was our first, and he was already five years old. He looked just like me, with my bluish-green eyes and dark brown hair. Alice fell in love with him the moment she set eyes on him – just like she had with me, or so she says. He may look like me, but Jake had Alice’s compassion. He was exceedingly protective over his little brother. Dean had just turned two, and had been blessed with Alice’s brilliant blue eyes and my dark hair. He was the perfect mix of the both of us, but with his love of drawing, I expected him to be creative like Alice was when he grew up.
Now we had a little girl, Madeline, who looked just like her mother. I knew as soon as she was born that I would be a fool for that little girl, just like I was a fool for her mother.
It had taken me a while to get my act together and allow myself to love her, my Alice. I resisted it because I was afraid that my feelings would control me, but I hadn’t realised that they already were.
I knew that I would have to leave, and I knew that it would hurt her, so I resisted it. I didn’t allow myself to love her the way she deserved because I knew that it would kill us both when I left. So I ended it, I left, and it was torture.
For two months, it killed me knowing that I’d just left her, knowing that she would be hurting over the way I left. I tried to tell myself that she would move on, that it was better this way, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, I couldn’t stop wondering how she was. I wore myself down and returned to South Coast and somehow, after everything, she took me back.
She still loved me, even though I was a fool. A lucky fool.
Alice gave me more chances than I deserved, but I never took her for granted after that day. I just never gave her the opportunity to forget that I loved her and that I would never leave her. We would face the future together.
“James,” she breathed. She sounded so weak that it splintered my heart. I knelt beside her and rested my hand on hers.
“I’m here, Alice. I’m always here,” I said.
“I know,” she sighed. “I love you.”
“I love you too, darling.”
She blinked slowly, looking from baby Madeline to me. Her arms weren’t strong enough to hold Madeline up, but they were locked around her protectively. Maddie was fast asleep.
“Promise me, James,” Alice whispered.
“Anything.”
Her breathing was laboured and each breath sounded painful.
“Promise me that you’ll tell the boys I love them,” she said.
I blinked back moisture. “You can tell them yourself.”
She frowned. “Promise me.”
/>
“Okay.”
“Say it.”
“I promise.”
She sighed. “Look after them, James… and make sure they look after each other.”
“Alice, honey, why are you talking like this? You’re going to be there,” I murmured. “You have to be there, we’re going to do this together, remember? The two of us, the three of them, like we said.”
Alice smiled with some effort. Her hand lifted to touch my cheek and it was cold. I rested mine on it and felt her wedding band and eternity ring moved around her shrunken finger.
“James,” she breathed. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise, Alice. Just rest.”
She closed her eyes. “I’m so tired.”
“I know you are, sweetheart. It’s okay. You’ll be okay.”
“James…” Her eyes struggled to open, and I could almost feel her slipping away.
No, Alice, stay with me.
“Alice?”
She looked at me. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I said. “Forever.”
Her eyelids closed for what would be the last time, and a small smile lingered on her lips. The hand against my cheek went limp, and her arm around our daughter slipped back to her side. Her breathing slowed quieter, and her breaths were numbered. The silence in the room got louder.
I watched in hopelessness as my wife, the mother of my children, and my whole world began to slip away from me. I rested my head on her shoulder. I couldn’t do this without her. How was I supposed to do this without her? This isn’t what we planned. This wasn’t how our life was supposed to be. I didn’t know how to raise three kids alone.
Maddie let out a cry and I raised my tear sodden eyes to look at her – our daughter, my daughter. I sniffled and rose to my feet, then picked up Madeline to return her to her bassinette. I returned to Alice’s side and gripped her hand in an effort to diffuse some of my life into her.
“Stay with me, Alice,” I whispered. “I need you.”
Her breathing was slow now, too slow, and too shallow. A nurse appeared at the door, but I barely noticed. I only heard her footsteps as I listened hard to the remaining short breaths of the love of my life.
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