by Jodi Picoult
CINDERELLA
(to Felicity)
Girl, if you know what’s good for you,
(MORE)
CINDERELLA (CONT’D)
you’ll make sure you’re never close enough for Prince Jack to even THINK the word “MARRIAGE.”
FELICITY
Oh, the last thing he’d ever want is --
CINDERELLA
A free maid?
SNOW WHITE
A free nanny?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
A free. . .
Sleeping Beauty sways on her feet, eyes closed, and snores. As she topples sideways Felicity catches her, and she wakes.
SONG 7: HAPPILY NEVER AFTER
CINDERELLA:
When traveling by pumpkin,
your dress smells like a squash.
And no one likes a twelve o’clock curfew.
Who needs glass slippers, give me Jimmy Choo.
Prince Charming leaves his stockings on the ground,
and never puts the toilet seat back down.
That wavy head of hair? Guess what, it’s a toupee!
I’ll take happily never after any day.
SNOW WHITE:
They’re whiny. They’re cranky.
They’re always underfoot.
They leave a trail of carnage through the house.
I’m not talkin’ seven dwarfs, just one grown spouse.
I said “I do” but didn’t know the terms meant diaper rash and rhinovirus germs.
I wanted true love’s kiss; I wound up with child’s play.
I’ll take happily never after any day.
SLEEPING BEAUTY:
I needed some coffee,
a clock with an alarm.
I got a guy to wake me up instead,
a guy who snores all night when we’re in bed.
He doesn’t see I need a good night’s rest.
Some NyQuil or some Ambien works best.
Give me beauty sleep, not fancy lingerie.
I’ll take happily never after any day!
ALL:
Thought a prince would save me,
set me on a throne.
No one ever told me
that I could do it alone!
The fairy tale’s over.
It’s never what you’d think.
I spend a lot of time wondering why
a girl needs to be rescued by some guy.
I wish I knew back then what I know now.
Each princess ought to take a solemn vow.
Before some royal pain becomes your fiancé,
take happily never after any day.
Happily never after any day!
SCENE 8: The Enchanted Forest
DURING SCENE CHANGE:
NEWSBOY
Breaking news! Two water carriers hospitalized in critical condition after a fall at local well!
Two TREES are standing there.
TREE 1
You wanna go swimming?
TREE 2
Nah. I’ve only got one pair of trunks.
(beat)
How about a game of checkers instead?
TREE 1
No thanks. I’m a chestnut.
TREE 2
Shhhh. I think I hear someone coming.
Luna enters in her boy’s costume. She pulls off her cap and shakes her long hair free. Then she peeks into her bag, and the light of the moon starts to glow.
LUNA
I don’t know how long I can keep up this disguise.
TREE 1
Might help to put your hat back on.
LUNA
(gasps)
Did you. . .did you just talk?
TREE 2
(gasps)
Holy cow!! A talking tree!
LUNA
Trees don’t talk.
TREE 1
And moons don’t run around pretending to be human.
TREE 2
Relax. Your secret’s safe with us. Our bite is much worse than our bark.
TREE 1
Hey, if you tell a joke in a forest and no one laughs, is it still a joke?
LUNA
I think I hear footsteps.
She hides behind one of the trees as Prince Jack enters.
PRINCE JACK
Felicity must think I’m an idiot.
TREE 1
Can you blame her?
LUNA
SHHH! He’ll hear you!
Jack listens, frowning. The trees fall silent and stop moving.
PRINCE JACK
Great. Now I’m not just losing the girl -- I’m losing my mind. At this rate, I’ll never get married.
LUNA
That’s not true!
Shocked, she covers her mouth with her hand.
PRINCE JACK
Is someone there?
The trees try to push Luna forward. She resists, but they’re stronger and she tumbles backward -- into the prince’s arms.
PRINCE JACK (CONT’D)
You!? Why, hello.
LUNA
(smitten)
Hi. . .
PRINCE JACK
We must stop bumping into each other.
LUNA
I’m. . .sorry.
PRINCE JACK
Not your fault. It’s not like the trees pushed you, right?
Behind them, the trees high-five.
PRINCE JACK (CONT’D)
Here, let me take your sack. It looks awfully heavy.
LUNA
No!! I mean, no, thank you. I’m stronger than I look.
PRINCE JACK
I remember being a boy your age, and saying that very same thing. What’s your name?
LUNA
Lu. . .Leo.
PRINCE JACK
Leo! It’s a pleasure to meet you.
LUNA
I couldn’t help but hear you saying that you were. . .unlucky in love.
PRINCE JACK
Yeah, well, that’s true.
LUNA
I could help you.
PRINCE JACK
You? You’re just a kid!
LUNA
But. . .I’m a very good listener.
SONG 8: PERFECT COUPLE
JACK:
When you think of history,
there are certain names you link,
loves that last forever,
couples who stayed in sync.
JFK and Jackie,
Superman and Lois Lane,
Lancelot and Guinevere,
and Tarzan and Jane.
CHORUS:
A couple of kisses,
a couple of dates,
a couple of whispers, a couple soul mates.
If only I knew how to make her agree
how perfect a couple we’d be.
George Burns and his Gracie,
Romeo and Juliet,
Hepburn and her Tracy,
Scarlett, she fell for Rhett.
Lady and the Tramp,
Humphrey Bogart and Bacall.
Where would Ricky Ricardo be
without Lucille Ball?
CHORUS:
A couple of kisses,
a couple of dates,
a couple of whispers,
a couple soul mates.
If only I knew how to make her agree
how perfect a couple we’d be.
PRINCE JACK
If I could get her to listen to me, I’d say this one thing: We could be Mark Antony and Cleopatra, but without the part at the end where everyone dies. Or Barbie and Ken, but with a healthier body image. Or Donald and Daisy, except I’d be wearing pants.
(frustrated)
Oh, well, you know what I mean, right? I love you!
Mickey without Minnie
is just wrong, to say the least.
What’s Bert without Ernie,
Beauty without the Beast?
Siegfried needs his Roy.
Who is Bonnie without Clyde?
Where would Homer
Simpson be
if Marge were not his bride?
CHORUS:
A couple of kisses,
a couple of dates,
a couple of whispers,
a couple soul mates.
If only I knew how to make her agree
that we could go down in history.
Wish there’s a way I could get her to see
how perfect a couple we’d be.
When he finishes, Luna gazes at him with unbridled
PRINCE JACK
Gosh, Leo. I wish I could talk to
Felicity as easily as I talk to you.
TREE 1
Well, here’s your chance.
Felicity enters holding a chain saw. The trees freak out.
TREE 2
She’s got a chain saw! We need to blend in!
TREE 1
Quick! Look like a tree!
FELICITY
(to someone offstage)
Glad I could help you get that pie off your hand, Mr. Horner! And don’t worry -- I’m sure the doctors will be able to reattach your thumb!
PRINCE JACK
It’s Felicity. I’m gonna do it.
I’m gonna talk to her. I’m gonna. . .
(beat)
. . .Be sick.
He runs behind a tree. Felicity sees Luna and her jaw drops.
FELICITY
(smitten)
I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.
LUNA
Is that. . .a chain saw?
FELICITY
Uh, I’m not actually holding a power tool. Ladies would never do that. I was just. . .shaving my legs.
(beat)
I’m Felicity.
LUNA
I’m Lu. . .Leo.
FELICITY
Luleo. That’s a beautiful name!
Jack gathers courage to emerge.
PRINCE JACK
Hello, Lady Felicity. How beest thou on this summer day, with thy eyes sparkling like brackish moat water?
FELICITY
Perfect timing, Jack.
(to audience)
Just when I finally met someone interesting!
PRINCE JACK
(to audience)
No matter what I say to her, the words come out like mush.
LUNA
(to audience)
If I tell him how I really feel, will he even notice?
SONG 9: THE WORDS I CAN’T SAY
JACK:
If I had a thousand words, it wouldn’t be enough to tell you
all the ways I wish you could be mine forevermore, and, well, you
understand we could be grand. You’re perfect, and I only wish you’d
see my eyes and realize how long I’ve waited now to kiss you.
LUNA:
If I could speak my heart, I’d tell you that you’re part of me,
A piece I didn’t even know till now was lost.
If you would only hear how much I hold you dear to me,
how much I wish that you could see me as I am.
FELICITY:
What is this feeling? Could I have been so wrong?
Is it as simple as finding the one you long for?
What if he looks up? Could he see me as I see him?
What if my love is all I can guarantee him?
REFRAIN:
Didn’t believe in happy endings, didn’t care.
That was before I saw my future standing there.
ALL VERSES AT ONCE,
Then REFRAIN
ALL:
Every night when I close my eyes, you’re in my arms.
Every night I hope that my dreams might soon come true.
But then I wake and see there’s no one here with me.
Every day, anyway, I will keep on waiting here for you.
TREE 2
That was awfully romantic.
TREE 1
You are such a sap!
(to Jack)
Go on. Ask her out.
PRINCE JACK
I can’t ever find the words.
TREE 2
Well, who said you need to talk? Throw a ball!
PRINCE JACK
My pitching arm’s a little weak. . .
LUNA
No, Jack! This is perfect.
(to Felicity)
Felicity, will you come to a royal ball tomorrow night?
FELICITY
(looking at Luna)
Will YOU be going?
LUNA
(looking at Jack)
I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
FELICITY
I’ll see you there.
(picks up chain saw)
Well, I should return this to someone big and burly who would own one of these, since it certainly doesn’t belong to delicate little me. . .
She exits.
PRINCE JACK
A ball? You’re brilliant, Leo!
Luna’s bag glows.
PRINCE JACK (CONT’D)
I can propose to Felicity there!
The glow dims. They exit.
TREE 1
I think the ball was OUR idea.
TREE 2
We don’t get no respect.
TREE 1
Hmmm. Now that they’re gone, what should we do? I’m bored. . .
TREE 2
Nah, I’m pretty sure you’re still a tree.
Lights fade. They exit.
SCENE 9: Ferocia’s castle
DURING SCENE CHANGE:
NEWSBOY
Extra! Extra! Farmer’s wife goes postal on three rodents with disabilities. . .
Pinocchio is serving breakfast. Gertrude stares at a carton of orange juice on the breakfast table as Eunice watches.
EUNICE
You’ve been staring at that carton of orange juice for half an hour. What’s the problem?
GERTRUDE
Shhhh! It says CONCENTRATE!
EUNICE
(to Pinocchio)
Pinocchio, I’ll have the eggs.
PINOCCHIO
With pleasure.
EUNICE
No, with bacon.
Ferocia is opening her mail at the breakfast table.
FEROCIA
(sips coffee and spits)
Pinocchio, this coffee tastes like dirt!
PINOCCHIO
What do you expect!? It was ground just this morning. . .
Ferocia glares at him and reads a letter.
FEROCIA
Dear Majesty, You are the perfect ruler. Love, A Fan.
(sighs happily)
Dear Queen Ferocia, You’re pretty.
(beat)
You know, Pinocchio, these letters would be much more effective if you made an effort to change your handwriting.
(reads another letter)
Wait a second -- this one wasn’t written by you.