by Carl Weber
“To be honest with you, Jay, the only thing I found was that everything I was looking for is right here in New York.”
At that point, the ride became silent. I think all of us, including Kyle, were trying to figure out exactly what he meant by his last statement.
11
Kyle
Allen pulled his Maxima into my driveway and turned to me with a solemn look. After he and Jay picked me up at the airport, we made a quick stop at my apartment to drop off my bags, then headed over to the house so I could see my kids. Allen had been more than a little upset to find out I’d rented my own place. And believe me, for a guy that hates to argue, he sure let me know how he felt.
“You want us to go in with you?” Jay asked from the back seat.
“Yeah, bro, why don’t we go in with you?” Allen had already taken off his seatbelt. Although he was probably sincere, I wasn’t sure if he wanted to go in to support me or to find out why I left Lisa.
“No, this is something I have to do by myself,” I told them.
I sighed heavily as I opened the car door. It had been over four weeks since I’d seen my family, and I missed my girls terribly. Truth is, I started missing Lisa too, once those horrible dreams stopped. I just didn’t miss her as a husband misses his wife, but more as one friend would miss another. To use an old cliché, I loved Lisa, but I wasn’t in love with her anymore. As I stepped out of the car, I said goodbye to Allen. I really appreciated that he was there to support me.
“Hey, Kyle. Sorry about the way I acted back at your new place. It’s just that if you and Lisa can’t make it, what chance do me and Rose have?” Allen asked sincerely.
I didn’t answer him, ’cause I didn’t have an answer. For his sake, I hoped Allen and Rose worked out, but in the back of my mind I gave them a year, tops.
“I know you’re not ready to talk yet, but whenever you are, I’m here for you.” Jay stepped out of the car and gave me a one-arm hug.
“Yeah, I know,” I replied, watching him get into the front seat.
As they pulled off, I walked to the front door of my house. I had butterflies in my stomach, and perspiration was forming on my forehead. I was more than a little nervous about what kind of reaction Lisa would have to my sudden reappearance. I was about to coward out and go back to my apartment, but Allen had pulled off and was headed down the street.
At that point I had no choice but to face the music. I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one to calm my nerves. I smiled, releasing the smoke as I listened to my girls playing on the other side of the door. Hearing their laughter made me put all concern for their mother’s reaction behind me. I dropped the cigarette, crushing it with my foot as I rang the bell. I was greeted by Lisa’s best friend, Karen.
“Oh, my God. What are you doin’ here?” She rolled her eyes.
“I’m here to see my family,” I said humbly. I could tell she was about to say something smart, but my two youngest daughters interrupted.
“Daddy!” They ran over to me, and I scooped them up in one huge bear hug. I kissed both of them, trying my best to hold back the tears. There is no way to describe how good it felt to hold them again.
“I missed you guys.”
“We missed you too, Daddy,” they said in unison.
“Where’s Jewel?” I asked, carrying them past Karen.
“She’s in the family room with Mommy,” Jade told me.
I walked down the hall to the family room, nervous but eager to see my oldest daughter Jewel. I found her in front of the TV playing with her Barbies. Lisa sat in a chair nearby.
“Jewel,” I called out softly, still standing in the doorway.
She turned toward me and smiled, then looked to her mother. Suddenly her smile became a frown and she ran to Lisa, grabbing her tight. I felt so empty at that moment I just wanted to burst into tears. Out of all my kids, I had been closest to Jewel. Ever since she was born, she was the one who always wanted to go with Daddy or sit on Daddy’s lap. We’d developed a bond that I thought would never be broken. Until now.
“Jewel,” I called again, this time a little sterner. My heart sank when she gripped her mother tighter. It took everything I had to stop myself from screaming at Lisa, who silently glared at me from her seat on the couch. This had to be all her doing. Why else would Jewel run from me?
“Get down for a minute, girls.” I let my two little ones down and walked into the family room toward Lisa and Jewel. “Come’ere, Jewel. Daddy wants to talk to you.” I stretched my arms out, and Jewel buried her head into Lisa’s breast.
“Can’t you see she doesn’t wanna talk to you, Kyle?” Lisa’s voice was hard, almost threatening. Some kind of strange mixture between anger at me and concern for her child. But whatever it was, she knew better than to speak to me that way in front of my children.
“What have you been telling her to make her hate me?” I shouted.
Lisa’s eyes became small and she gave me a look that made me take a step back. In one fluid motion, she moved Jewel from her lap and was in my face.
“I didn’t tell her shit, Kyle, because I didn’t know shit. But what I shoulda told her was that her poor excuse for a father walked out on us ’cause he ain’t worth shit.”
If she had punched me in the face, Lisa couldn’t have hit me with a harder blow. Not that I had a right to be, but I felt so disrespected that I almost struck her. I guess the thing I hated most was that everything she had said was the truth.
“Get out of my face, Lisa,” I demanded, my eyes never leaving hers.
“Hey, girls.” Karen took hold of Jade and Willow’s hands. “Why don’t we go in the kitchen and get some cookies?”
“That’s a good idea,” Lisa told them, still staring angrily at me.
“I don’t want any cookies,” Jewel pouted.
“Go get some cookies while I talk to your father, Jewel,” Lisa told her in a no-nonsense tone.
“Come on, Jewel.” Karen called.
Jewel got up and reluctantly walked to the kitchen.
“You gonna be all right, Lisa?” Karen asked.
“Yeah, I’ll be all right.” Lisa gave her friend a reassuring look. “He’s already been to jail once. He didn’t like it.”
“Okay.” Karen turned, closing the family room door behind her.
Lisa and I stared at each other silently for a good two or three minutes, neither of us saying a word. I didn’t speak mostly ’cause I didn’t know what to say, and because I didn’t wanna say the wrong thing. Finally Lisa broke our silence with a question I was totally unprepared for.
“Who is she, Kyle?”
“Who is who?”
“Who the fuck did you leave me for? And please don’t tell me it’s a man,” she said sarcastically.
I don’t know why, but I cracked a smile. Something I regretted as soon as I felt Lisa’s hand connect with my face. The blow hadn’t really hurt, but the fact that she’d done it was painful.
“What the hell was that for?” I asked, touching my face in disbelief.
“That’s to remind you that I’m not a fuckin’ fool!” She’d taken a step back for safety, but her attitude was definitely still there. “Now who the fuck is she, and don’t insult my intelligence.”
“There is nobody else, Lisa. I swear to God.” I took a step backward myself just in case she decided to swing again. But her hands stayed by her side.
“Then why, Kyle? What did I do that was so bad that you had to leave us?”
“It’s not you, Lisa. It’s me. I’ve got issues.”
She sat down, unable to control her tears.
I thought about telling her the whole truth. About the dreams and what Dr. Stanley had told me. But I couldn’t. In seven years of marriage, Lisa and I had always been able to talk, but for some reason I just couldn’t bring myself to admit these things to her.
“What kind of issues, Kyle? Are we in trouble financially again? Diane told me that the Mafia was after you.”
“Oh, God. Please don’t tell me you’ve been talkin’ to Diane about our problems?” I shook my head in disgust.
“You damn right I talked to Diane. You’ve been gone a month. After a week I was ready to talk to anyone who might make some sense out of this shit.”
I sat down next to her. “No, it’s not money, and it’s not the Mob.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. As awkward as this whole reunion was, I hated to see her so upset.
She shrugged me off, reaching for a box of tissues on the coffee table. “Well, if it’s not money and it’s not another woman, then what is it?”
“I’m just not happy with my life,” I answered weakly.
“What do you mean you’re not happy with your life? Aren’t you coming back home?”
I thought about the question, then lowered my head. I could see by the look of disappointment on her face that she knew my answer.
“No,” I replied quietly. “I just came by to see the girls.”
“My God. This has got to be a nightmare.” She buried her face in her hands. “Do you want a divorce?” She turned her head toward me.
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I haven’t made up my mind yet.” I stood up and walked to the window, looking outside in a daze.
“Kyle, look at me.” She gazed across the room. “Do you still love me?”
“I don’t know that either, Lisa.” I felt like shit as the words escaped my mouth.
“Then what the fuck do you know?” she yelled. “I’ve given you seven fucking years of my life and you don’t know if you love me. You don’t know if you’re ever coming home. You don’t know if you want to stay married. You fucking bastard!” She picked up an ashtray and threw it at me wildly, then collapsed in hysterics on the couch. When she finally composed herself enough to speak, she stared at me through her tears and asked, “It’s the black-white thing, isn’t it?”
I let out a slight gasp, amazed that she was so close to the truth.
“Isn’t it!” she demanded.
“How’d you know?” My eyes began to tear as I felt the shame in that truth.
“When you disappeared, Wil mentioned it to Diane. She didn’t believe it, but now that I think about it, it’s the only thing that makes sense. Your impotence, the way you avoided me before you left. It all adds up. When you said you’re not happy with your life, you didn’t really mean your whole life. You’re not happy with me.”
At that minute, I wanted to kill Wil for having such a big mouth.
“I always thought it would end up being some glamorous black woman who’d take you away from me. I never thought it would be my skin.”
“Lisa . . .” I tried to explain, but she stopped me.
“When, Kyle? When did all this happen? When did you decide that I wasn’t good enough for you? I thought we were happy together.”
“We were, but—”
“But what? You woke up and realized I was white?” Now she was getting angry. “You know what? This is ridiculous. Just forget it. I can’t apologize for who I am. So if you’re not happy with the choice you made seven years ago, then maybe we do need to end this marriage.”
Lisa stood up, wiped her eyes, and looked down at me. She wasn’t crying anymore, and her voice was more serious now than it had been during the entire conversation.
“Do you love your children?”
“Yes, I do love them. More than life itself.”
“Then go in the kitchen and spend some time with them. Before I kill you,” she said flatly. “They need you Kyle, especially Jewel.”
“I know.” I stood up and looked at Lisa. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.”
“Save it, okay.” She turned her back on me, so I headed for the kitchen. She stopped me before I left the room.
“Kyle.”
“Yeah?”
“I was a good wife to you.”
“I know that, Lisa.”
“How could you hurt me like this?”
I didn’t have any answer, so I walked to the kitchen without another word.
12
Jay
It was a warm Saturday afternoon when I strolled up the steps to Allen AME Church on Merrick Boulevard. I was holding the hands of my daughter Tiffany and my wife as I entered. The three of us really looked like a family in our matching navy blue and white. Kenya had bought some fabric that coordinated with my Sunday suit and made dresses for her and Tiffany. For me she made a tie. I wasn’t really a churchgoing guy, but this was Wil’s daughter’s christening, and there was no way I was gonna miss that. Wil and Diane had been Tiffany’s godparents. Besides, I was really into anything that had to do with our kids.
Speaking of kids, our second child was practically due. Things had been going really well between Kenya and me, and I hadn’t fooled around in over three months. She’d really busted her ass to keep me satisfied after the pledge she made. But now that she was almost due, she’d cut me off again. Don’t get me wrong, I understood why. Shit, she was gonna have the baby soon. But that didn’t stop me from being horny as hell. I wished I had as much self-control as Kyle or Wil, ’cause I was going damn near crazy. I really didn’t want to have to resort to my old ways to get some satisfaction, but she was leaving me no choice.
When we entered the building, Kyle greeted us. He was handing out programs as he kept an eye on his three girls playing in the back row. As soon as Tiffany saw them, she let go of my hand and ran to the girls. Our kids loved each other like cousins. I looked at Kyle, and his smile was as wide as mine. We were both thinking the same thing. We’d always envisioned our kids would be this close.
I looked around to see if Lisa had come. It was Kyle’s weekend with the girls, but Diane had made it clear that Lisa was her friend, and as far as she was concerned, Lisa was more welcomed than Kyle. I have to admit it was still weird seeing Kyle without Lisa. I’d become so used to seeing them together he looked like an unfinished painting without her.
“Hey, Kyle!” Kenya opened her arms for a hug.
“What’s up, sister-in-law?” Kyle smiled. “Now look, I don’t want you havin’ that baby in here, aw’ight?”
“If I do, you gonna deliver it,” she joked.
“Now I really don’t want you ta have that baby in here.” Kyle gave her a bug-eyed look.
“What’s up there, bro?” He hugged me.
“Nothin’ much, dawg.”
“Jay, keep an eye on Tiffany. I’m gonna go say hello to everyone,” Kenya told me.
“Aw’ight, baby.” I grabbed her by the hand and kissed her passionately. “I love you, Kenya.”
“I love you, too.” She walked away smiling.
“Damn, I haven’t seen you two like this since before you were married.” Kyle looked happy.
“I know, but I’m not gonna lie. I’ve been fiendin’ for some booty. Kenya ain’t gave me none in two weeks.”
“You need to stop. The girl’s gonna have a baby in a few weeks. Give her a break.” Kyle looked disappointed. “Two weeks. You know how long it’s been for me?”
“No, and I don’t really care. If you really wanted some ass, you’d go home to your wife and stop actin’ like a little bitch.” Kyle looked at me with disbelief. He probably was trying to figure out how I could be such a hypocrite. So was I.
“Who the fuck are you to be givin’ me advice on marriage?” I had definitely hit a nerve. “You been faithful for three months, and now you’re a fucking expert?”
“Nope, I’m no expert, but I am your best friend. I was there when you got married. I tried to talk you out of it, remember? But you were in love, and you still are.”
“That’s what you think.”
“No, that’s what I know. You might be fooling everyone else, Kyle, but you’re not fooling me. You’re hurting inside, man. You’re hurting real bad. I just haven’t figured out why.”
“Oh, so you’re a psychic now? You can read my mind?” He was real sarcastic.
“Nope, I can read your face. You might be sm
iling, but your face tells it all. You’ve got the same look you had when you got cut from the basketball team in eighth grade. The same look you had when Kelly Wright dumped you for Bubba Richardson in college. So don’t be bullshitting with me. I know you too well for that.” I could see his eyes starting to water.
“Jay, man, this whole thing’s a lot more complicated than you think.”
“Yeah, well, I got some time.” I folded my arms and stared into Kyle’s face.
Kyle started a story that I never would have expected to hear. This was no ordinary I-left-my-wife-’cause-I-was-bored scenario. He explained everything about his impotence, his shrink’s evaluation, and the dreams he’d been having. I was pretty much blown away. I had some serious problems in my marriage, but nothing compared to his. He was honestly scared of Lisa.
“Look, Kyle, I don’t know what to say, man. If there’s anything I can do ...”
“I know you wanna help, Jay, but this is something I have to work out myself.”
I nodded. I understood what he was saying, but I felt helpless. Here was my best friend who really needed me, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to help him.
“Yo, Jay, don’t sweat it, man,” Kyle reassured me. “I made an appointment to go see my shrink on Tuesday. I’ve been away from my family for three months. It’s about time I got myself together and went back home.”
“I’m glad to hear it, man,” I told him as I turned to watch our daughters playing. “Those kids really need you at home and so does Lisa.”
After the baptism we all went over to Wil and Diane’s place. Al’s mom had cooked most of the food, and Mama Jackson could cook her ass off. There were over thirty-five people in Wil’s little house, and five minutes after they served the food, you couldn’t hear a sound other than black folks sucking ribs and shoving collard greens in their mouths. I’d gotten up to get Kenya another plate of ribs when Allen’s cousin Malcolm bumped into me. That fool spilled his whole plate of ribs all over my suit.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I screamed. Every head in the room turned. I could see Wil, Allen, and Kyle all heading toward us from different directions in the room. They must have thought I was gonna knock Malcolm’s sorry ass out. And if my daughter hadn’t been in that room, I probably would have.